The Depth of Depression

There are many levels of depression. For a lot of my life, depression had lingered around, tampering with my motivation and making it harder to do things. But that’s all it used to do, make things harder. In the past few days, it has become debilitating. That is a whole different level. It’s a miracle that I can even write this blog in my current state. As of now, I am completely misunderstood and if I were to end my life, people would think that it was a stupid and impulsive thing to do. Stupid? Maybe. Some people think that suicide is always stupid. They’re entitled to their opinions. But impulsive? No. But it’s hard to justify that given I’m only 22 and haven’t lived my life at all yet.

I force myself to treat this blog as my last attempt to get people to understand me. Even as I write this, I realize its futility and perhaps in just a couple of days, I will lose the motivation to continue writing. Every time I re-read one of my sentences, I recognize how stupid it sounds and my motivation drops. I mean, c’mon, getting people to understand me? Who gives a shit? I can’t believe I even wrote that. Why am I lying to myself? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I’m doing this for money and recognition. Even when I don’t give a shit about life, I’m still so vain as to pursue the impossible dream of making a name for myself.

I envy the depressed people who can’t find a reason to get out of bed. Being riddled with insomnia is another reason why I’m doing this. I can’t even lay in bed like a corpse. I get up, check my email and facebook and find zero messages. Look for someone who I can complain about my shitty life to. Find no one. Go to bed. Can’t sleep. And repeat this hellish cycle again.

When I listened to Marc Maron’s WTF podcast episode 190, the interview with Todd Hanson, it really opened my eyes. I will provide the link again here:

Todd Hanson had been experiencing his depression for 20 or so years before he decided he should just end his life. I’ve only been depressed for 6 years or so and I still have a bit of desire to live. But if I extrapolate the bleakness of life to 20 more years, I can completely understand why Todd decided that it’s better off for him to end his life.

Then Todd talks about how he tried to end his life. I started becoming more interested and used his experience as a simulation for what could happen if I go down the same path. Somehow he survives but he ended up being in the hospital for 30 days. During that time, he was really touched by all the people who visited him. Even when they failed to cheer him up, they kept showing up to be there for him. There was one woman in particular who showed up practically everyday. Then I started thinking about what would’ve happened if I were in the hospital recovering from a failed suicide attempt. I wouldn’t have anyone visiting me. Even if there were people who are there for me during that time, it’s only a temporary thing. Once I get out of the hospital, everything will be back to normal and I’ll be just as alone as I was before. In fact, that happened to Todd too to some degree. I’m amazed that he was able to survive the tough times after that. To know that people will show up and pretend to be there for me, but they can’t spare time for me when I need them most on lonely nights, that would kill me. Actually, I would be the one killing myself, but that would be the reason for it.

I had these feelings when I first listened to the podcast a few months ago. Before writing this entry, I listened to it again and the feelings are even stronger now. Back to the question of why I’m writing this suicide blog… it’s a very petty reason. I don’t want people to look down on me when I end my life. I want them to know it’s their fault. Fuck everyone who wasn’t there for me when I was alive. I’m not saying I deserve help just cause I’m crying for help like a baby with this blog. But if you read this and do nothing about it, when I die, don’t go spewing nonsense saying you don’t understand why I would do something like this. You never gave a shit when I was alive, so don’t pretend to give a shit after I die.

10 thoughts on “The Depth of Depression

  1. It would seem pretty fake if people came to your bedside and then disappeared once you were out. I think it is an act of caring though if they showed up. Perhaps a bit for you and a bit for their guilty conscience. But it’s true, often people don’t care for very long. They need to get something out of it. No one gives a shit about anyone without a selfish reason almost all of the time. If Tom Cruise lost all his money and his looks sooner or later no one would come around. People will look down on anyone who kills themselves unless if they had no arms and legs. It makes people feel better about themselves to look down on someone who seemingly did one of the worst things imaginable.

    • I don’t remember if I had wrote this in the blog, but I hate how people look SO down on suicide. If I make it look like a traffic accident, they view it so differently.

  2. Ugh Todd Hanson is a whiny self-indulgent navel grazing moron and that podcast was awful. If you’re too dumb to even kill yourself correctly, I swear the doctors should just take you out back and shoot you. Honest to God the world is overpopulated as it is. If you aren’t contributing anything to humanity and have a miserable life, the truth is you probably would be better off dead. Sorry to sound harsh, but it’s true.

    Oh and mental hospitals are the most depressing places in the world. The happiest person ever would kill themselves if they were stuck in one. Go figure!

  3. It takes an exceedingly crazy amount of courage for one to set forth the action of ending his or her life.
    I really love the brutal honesty that shines through your blog:)
    If you ever do need someone to hear you out, just wanted to let you know that I will always be here to hear you out!
    You still have a sensational life to live ((:

      • Haha. Sometimes, that happens to me too. The honest interactions that I have with people can come off too blatant and “in-your-face”. But, I am learning how to try to tone that down. I guess that is why I love writing because I can be brutally honest when I express myself!:)

        • I’m trying to learn that too. The other problem is that I don’t like “small talk”. I acknowledge it’s usefulness but Im never interested in those conversation. I’ll find out those info eventually but with all my close friends, I dive straight into more integrating conversation first and then eventually I learn about the small talk facts.

            • To me, small talk is anything generic enough that you ask the exact question to different people. I enjoy deeper, more personal conversations. Examples of small talk would be like:

              What did you study in school? What school do you go to? What do you do? How many siblings do you have? etc.

              I understand that those questions are functional and those are basic information I should know about someone early on but the reason I don’t like them is because I know they’ve given the exact same answer a hundred times and I know I don’t like being repetitive so I’m trying not to force people to have to be repetitive either. I don’t know, I’m just weird like that, lol.

              Eventually, if I happen to talk about how crappy the education system is, then I might squeeze in the question and ask what school the other person went to. I just don’t like asking all those same repetitive questions in a row, because the conversation doesn’t feel dynamic enough.

              • Hmmmm, wow. Thank you for taking the time to write that out. I really appreciate it and that is by no means small talk hahaha

                I like how you define small talk and feel the same way too but I must say that it does take a while to find ppl who are willing enough and find joy in going beyond the small talk to discuss much deeper things.

                When discussing issues that are deep, I think the fact that the issues can afford to be deep would require the person to inject sheer honesty into what they’re talking about!

                And that being said, it’s good to know that you also enjoy dynamic conversations:)

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