I won’t pretend like I understand why I’m depressed. I have some theories but they will also be disproved within this entry. One thing I do know is that I hate the flaws of being human. Everything, like my genetic inferiority, mood swings, over stimulation, you name it, I hate it. Emotionally healthy people would be able to embrace these flaws but I can’t stand them. Why must I be depressed? On a logical level, I know that I’m not in a terrible situation and even if I do feel sad, I should get over it. But I can’t get over it. I tell myself to steel my heart and not feel these emotions, but that doesn’t work. I then try the opposite and hope to cry it out, but I can’t shed a fuckin’ tear for myself either.
What is my current situation? I’m 22. I live with my parents. I pay no rent. I do no chores. I have no responsibilities. I neither work nor go to school. I can basically just sit on my ass and watch TV all day. On paper, it sounds fuckin’ awesome but I am absolutely miserable. I have no real aspirations, no goals, no reason for living. I have never had a romantic life, and my social life is pretty barren as well. Actually, one of my friends is coming over right now to play some ping pong. But so what? We hit a few balls, we get amused like chimps and move on with our lives. I may still have a few social interactions here and there, but there’s no connection. Sure, I’m a bit less depressed while I’m cracking jokes with my friends but once they go home, it just leaves me feeling even lonelier afterwards. The instant gratification of living in a developed society has given me an insatiable need to be entertained.
A big part of why I feel depressed right now is because I don’t talk to other humans on a regularly basis. Sure, I live with my parents but I barely say a word to them. In fact, I just grunt most of the time. I have gone days and weeks without saying a word to another human being. If I disappeared, no one would know, and no one would care.
Actually that’s not quite true. My parents would definitely notice if I’m gone. But there’s no love lost there. At the risk of sounding like a stupid teenager, they don’t know me at all. They don’t know anything about my personal projects, what I studied in school, my strengths, my weaknesses, heck they don’t even speak English. Sure they will be sad at first, but only because of the idea of losing a son, not me specifically. They’ll get a bad reputation for being bad parents, so if anything, they might despise me for dying on them. Reputation aside, they should actually be glad that it’s load off their hands since they’ll no longer have to do my laundry or cook for me.
It would seem that if I can somehow find a friend who can commit enough time to me, then my depression problem can be solved. But such a friend does not exist for me. In the previous entry, I mentioned that some people use suicide threats as a cry for help and I said that that was shallow and stupid and they deserve to die. I recognize that this blog is a cry for help and I’m not going to be hypocritical. If I do end up killing myself, I would indeed be one of the shallow and stupid people I hate and I deserve to die. Right now, I’m just shallow, I’m not stupid yet.
At this point, I would almost like to conclude that feelings of depression are strongly tied into a person’s social life. However, my messed up father is the perfect example to disprove that. He has no friends. None. The other day, one of his old friends called to wish him Merry Christmas and he literally got pissed at my mom for bothering him by handing him the phone. He’s a bit of a workaholic and doesn’t appear to have any hobbies. Well, if verbal abuse can be considered a hobby, then that would be his hobby. Several times a day, he’ll yell at my mom for being the dumbass that she is, and he even yells at me on occasion too. But he doesn’t yell at me for long because I don’t respond to him at all and one would get bored very quickly yelling at a rock. How long can a person yell at a rock for? Maybe a minute?
Next I want to discuss my realization of the depth of my depression. Marc Maron’s WTF podcast episode 190, interview with Todd Hanson, helped me a lot in my realization of my own depression. That was an amazing story to listen to. Very sad, very touching. Anyone who gets any joy out of reading sad depression related stories would enjoy it very much. There’s a lot to talk about it so I will give it an entry of its own. Here’s a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mnOgjJwO14