Stand Up Material

Last week I was planning to do a 5 minute open mic to promote my blog a bit. Once it’s written, the material is there so I might as well try to get more people to enjoy it. I contacted Yuk Yuk’s but they didn’t contact me back. Plus, WordPress seems to be linking people to my blog pretty well so I don’t think I will be using that material anymore. Some of it is repeated material from previous entries but some of it is brand new. I liked it but for some reason my friends didn’t like it. Maybe my blog followers would enjoy it as much as I do.

The first thing you should know about me is that I’m a very depressed person. Once I got depressed past a certain point, past thoughts of suicide, nothing matters anymore. It’s great because I can pretty much do anything I want now and not care about consequences. I always have the backup option of not living anymore.

Offending people is awesome cause they can’t do anything to me. What, are they going to kill me? Please. No really, please, I beg you, do it. … Just to be clear, I don’t actually want anyone to kill me tonight. I needed to make that clarification just in case one of you are crazy. I mean, I don’t want to live anymore, but I don’t want to die either. Dying is too painful. I’m dying enough on stage already. I call my current state, passively suicidal.

The other new thing is that I’ve forsaken all goals and ambitions. With none of that, I realized that I think I actually want to go to prison. Why should I bother working to live if I don’t even enjoy living? I don’t want all the responsibilities of paying bills or even cooking or buying food for myself. Plus, I don’t enjoy anything anymore so I don’t need the freedom either. When I tell my friends about my prison plan, their first reaction is to ask me if I’m a faggot cause I’m going to get butt raped. I’m actually not too worried about the butt rape because I know I can at least go down fighting. In my current life, I can’t fight against anything. My mom tells me to go get a job and I can’t just punch her in the face. But if a dude is trying to rape me, I think I’d be justified to throw a few punches. I don’t think I would go down easily either. When they pin me down, they would have to pin me facing the wall or the floor and then they come at me from behind… cause that’s where my butt is. I used to bench over 200 pounds so I think I can push my way out of it. Think about it, when the guy is raping me, he has to go in and out. When he’s out, there’ll will be room for me to push out of it. I know it sounds like I’m reverse humping a guy who’s humping me, but I think it’ll work. Even if my resistance is futile, I wonder, how bad could it be? People do enjoy anal sex after all so maybe I’ll actually like it. At least I’ll finally be getting laid. I’m very open minded.

After having thoughts like those, I begin to wonder whether I’m actually gay. Think about it, I’m still a virgin and all my friends are guys. I pretty much avoid talking to girls so maybe I really am gay. And then I catch myself masturbating to lesbian porn and realize that I can’t be gay. If anything, I’m a lesbian. So when my friends ask me if I’m a faggot for wanting to go to prison… Well, what if I AM a faggot? Does that make everything okay? As much as I like being called a faggot, I’m not gay unfortunately.

That’s all I’ve got. I think I’m funnier in writing so I want to recommended anyone who doesn’t have an aversion to reading to check out my blog. It’s tedgaming.blogspot.ca or you can add me on facebook.com/tedgaming. Thanks, bye.

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If you liked what you read, please comment. As a blogger with few followers, I need the affirmation lol.

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