Shit Stories Part VIII: Asshole Hair

Finally, the asshole hair story has arrived. …Actually I take that back. I’m going to delay that story a little more… I hope I’m not inadvertently hyping up that story too much.

Delayed again?

Delayed again?

(edited) I’m often amazed at how young pretty girls (like this one http://acaffeinatedbrunette.com/about/) actually appreciates my shit humor. Too bad that the closest I ever get to these girls is over the safe distant gap of the internet. The thought of a pretty girl laughing at my shit and gaping hairy asshole is a bittersweet image. I should post pictures of gorgeous girls in my Shit Stories to create a wonderful contrast of imagery.

I'm a pretty girl too, right?

I’m a pretty girl too, right?

Hmm… That’s actually not a bad idea. I should post random pictures of pretty girls to my shit stories just for a laugh. It’s hilarious because it subliminally associates these pretty girls to my shit stories. If 10 people likes this entry, I’ll make it happen.

Because of this stupid context I got mixed up in, now it looks like I've having an accident.

Because of this stupid context I got mixed up in, now it looks like I’ve having an accident.

Finally, for real this time: Asshole Hair. I’m asian and don’t have body hair for the most part so it freaks me out to know that I have hair in a place as disgusting as my asshole. Because I can’t actually see it, I have some denial of its existence. Maybe I’m too smart for my own good because I can’t fool myself and I know it’s there. I know it’s real because I can feel it when I scrub my asshole during showers.

I'm asian and scrubbing my hair too. I'm talking about the other hand you can't see.

I’m asian and scrubbing my hair too. I’m talking about the other hand you can’t see.

I’ve been paying more attention to my shits lately to gather material for this blog. (It’s sad that this is what my life has become… a shit blogger…) I was thinking about my asshole hair one day and realized something disgusting about it. When I shit, those asshole hairs are bound to get smeared with fecal matter. And when I wipe, because I’m not wiping each strand of asshole hair individually, there’s no way they’re clean. Does this mean I spend most of my days with traces of shit in my pants? Since I’m not the only one with asshole hair, that means most people are walking around with shit in their pants. For sanitary reasons, I want to get rid of those hairs but there’s no way I can do that on my own; it’s a recipe for a comedic disaster. Maybe I need to pay someone to trim my asshole hair. I feel sorry for whoever has that job.

Does that... does that mean I have shit in my pants too? =(

Does that… does that mean I have shit in my pants too? =(

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30 thoughts on “Shit Stories Part VIII: Asshole Hair

    • Would you like to volunteer a picture for me to use? Just kidding. When the time comes, I guess I’ll be googling “pretty girl pictures”. I want to make a snide comment about that but I’m drawing a blank. I’m deciding whether I should use the picture of the girl mentioned in this entry. …I think I will.

      Oh man I’m coming up with some good ideas already. C’mon people, let’s bump it up to 10 comments/likes. I’m already asking for so little and yet I won’t get it. Story of my life.

    • Oh, now I feel bad for being such a dick about it. Now that you’ve responded, I won’t use your pic anymore. Would you also like me to remove the link to your page within the article? I’d be happy to do that if that bothers you. No need to regret reading my shit stories. I’m retracting my dickiness 🙂

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  2. LOL! This post!
    Despite contrary belief, Ted, I’m sure there are a lot of girls out there who give a shit about your Shit Blogs. I, for one, find them hilarious (though not sure I’d admit to that in real life. If you ask, I’ll deny it, nothing personal).
    Keep posting! It’s the comical blunt honesty that keeps me coming back!

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  5. I have to give you a big LOL!! And yes everyone suffers this predicament you’re in. Unfortunately, I’m not going to blog about it because I do a parenting blog, but I have two words for you. Brazilian wax. Learn it. Live it. I won’t say love it because it hurts like a mother. But it will fix your um hairy situation. Maybe on some night in the far away future, and I’m drunk, I will tell the tale of the at home Brazilian wax.

        • It might take me a while though. Living at home, I have trouble disposing products I don’t want my parents to see. I walked to my elementary school to toss out my condom receipt. I wonder if I’m the only one who does this and what kind of crazy things can be found there lol.

          • Ah yes living with the parental units does not offer much in the way of privacy in which to test out some of these things. Not sure of your age but you may want to broaden your horizons and move out. There’s a whole world out there, full of adventures you can blog about once you experience freedom. 🙂

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    • Not sure if you intended this, but your choice of words created an imagery in my head where the face is an ass and the mouth would be the asshole. I haven’t been shaving lately and it made think about my facial hair as asshole hair.

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