Passionate My Ass

Last night I got lonely and tried to find a girl to talk to online. Most days, I don’t even get any responses so when one responded, it was kind of a treat already. The treat doesn’t last long though. Once I’ve got a responsive person, I then have to actually carry a conversation with her which is an impossibility for me. I totally suck at talking with people. Recent studies have shown that I’m only capable of talking about myself, my ass, and the kinds of shits that come out of my ass. I’m sane enough to not start conversations with these topics. I don’t talk about myself too much either because I’m self-conscious that people might not give a shit and I’m wasting my finger energy stroking the keyboard when I could be using that energy to stroke other parts of my body. …It is pretty rare and difficult for me to carry out a successful conversation.

What? Was Ted saying something? I'm just busy staring at my own boobs. Boooobies...

What? Was Ted saying something? I’m just busy staring at my own boobs. Boooobies…

Anyway, we talked for a little while, asking each other introductory questions. She responded quickly which was great. It sucks when people don’t respond quickly. The conversation was going as poorly as it normally would, but that’s fine. Most conversations start slow anyway. I continued trying to ask some questions and answering other questions when all of a sudden, she quits by telling me she just got out of a bad relationship. Bear in mind that I found her through craigslist where she was posting an ad looking for a relationship.

Totally unrelated image. If the picture is small enough, it looks like she has a weirdly shaped bottom lip.

Totally unrelated image. If the picture is small enough, it looks like she has a weirdly shaped bottom lip.

Without knowing wtf just happened and having nothing else to do in life, I emailed her back and asked what it was that abruptly made her stop giving a fuck. This is the conversation that followed:


I’m just a really passionate person

and it doesn’t really seem like you’re that passionate about anything

which is a big thing for me

I’m sorry

Being passionate is a big thing for me, like my big round ass.

Being passionate is a big thing for me, like my big round ass.

Okay, fair enough. And here’s how I responded:

Hmm… well I’m pretty passionate about comedy and the work I produce be it a blog, stand up material, or video games. I’m not passionate in the sense that I won’t ramble on about them to someone who might not be interested. I’m passionate about improving my life enough that I’m still trying to talk to you some more and see if we can be friends or anything. But at the same time I’m not going to stalk you and try forever. If I still don’t turn you around at all with this email then I’m done trying. I’m just a reasonable person. Too reasonable to a fault maybe.

I mentioned earlier that I’m very flexible with my interests so I can try to get passionate about the things you’re passionate about. That’s one of the advantage of me being an open slate.

Sure, I may sound like a desperate little bitch but I think was still being very fair and should at least be given a shot to CHAT; I’m not asking for her virgin pussy or anything.

Ted is such a whiny little bitch...

Ted is such a whiny little bitch…

And finally, this is how she responds:

I don’t want someone who just picks up my interests

I want someone who has their own interests they’re passionate about, some of which are in common

I’m sorry, you’re probably really nice, just not what I’m looking for.

She doesn’t want someone who’ll do things for her? Is she a masochist or retarded? She had previously mentioned that she liked baking, cooking, and singing. She’s basically looking for a guy who doesn’t share her interests and will probably treat her like shit, or a homosexual.

Yeah, go find your own interests like crawling across a ravine on all fours.

Yeah, go find your own interests like crawling across a ravine on all fours.

I thought about sending an angry-ish email with basically what I just wrote but I didn’t end up doing it because I don’t give enough of a shit about this. I actually don’t really care about this whole thing at all and I’m only writing this because I wanted to write something for the blog. Hopefully it was entertaining enough for you.

Wow that was very entertaining, Ted. This is totally not a fake smile.

Wow that was very entertaining, Ted. This is totally not a fake smile.

12 thoughts on “Passionate My Ass

    • To paraphrase a Louis C.K. joke, if you really do feel sorry for “unfuckable” people like me, then come fuck me. Otherwise, you don’t get to feel bad about it.

      Just kidding, I’m not unfuckable. I’ve just been unfuckable thus far. And just kidding about you not being allowed to feel bad. You can feel all the sympathy and empathy you want. Yeah… I don’t know wtf I’m doing here… Sometimes I should just learn to stfu.

  1. If it’s any consolation – she sounds kinda crazy anyway and probably has no clue what she really wants out of a relationship or life in general!

    AND – you can chat with me anytime, about anything! 😉

    • I agree. She’s young, 19, and is probably deluded into thinking that the world owes her the best of everything even beyond her imagination. She probably wants some handsome dude to sweep her off her feet who also happens to be a sparkling vampire. (I assume I used that pop culture reference correctly. The only things I know about it is from other pop culture references, usually parodying it.)

      If you can guide me through a conversation, I’d love to experience that with you. (My awkward choice of words will probably seem very insightful in retrospect if we do ever engage in conversation.)

      • So – I think it’s actually “shimmer” – not sparkling but since my only knowledge of it is to make fun of it, I may actually start to call it sparkle out of spite! And a way to weed out the crazies – if they correct me and go on to provide details of the series then I will know to turn and run as far and as fast as I can! 🙂

        We can certainly engage in ramblings – which is most likely to occur as I prefer to just mind dump on people quite a bit! Most find it annoying – I find their inability to even attempt to express the thoughts in their head annoying!

        Although – sometimes the mindless make for good fucks so I guess they are good for something after all! 🙂

        I better stop now before I back myself too far into the pretentious bitch corner! 😉

        • lol i like the idea of using an adjective out of spite. How about glitter? Fuckin’ glittered vampires.

          You can use me to dump your mind away. (lol I can’t think of a right way to phrase that sentence.) Especially if your mind has positive dumps about me. I can never get enough of that. Dump away even if it’s not about me. Okay, I should stop saying dump now.

          I keep clicking your blog but I get scared to read too much. I’m afraid that I’ll read and get aroused and then get frustrated cause I have nowhere to release lol. Sigh… I really wish my getting-laid-from-shit-blogging fantasy comes true some day lol.

  2. First off, you’re not bad at conversation. I promise… in other news: who posts on craigslist looking for a relationship?? :/ Have you ever heard of any successful craigslist relationships??
    also, she definitely wants an asshole who’s so self absorbed he’ll only pass by when he needs sex and then she’ll spend the rest of her days stalking him… he’ll probably have a giant beer belly and really bad hair loss.

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