By now, you should already know that I don’t get embarrassed easily. You’re dealing with a guy who can write about his asshole hair and post it on facebook. And yet I still have some embarrassing shopping experiences to write about.
A few years ago, I was in one of those network marketing pyramid schemes and my job was to sell sanitary napkins. Not to be mistaken with wet wipes, I’m talking about pads for women’s periods. I’ve sold to my family, neighbors, strangers, both men and women and I did it with a complete straight face. I was not embarrassed one bit. Thinking back, I don’t know why I wasn’t. What’s that saying about selling ice to eskimos? Well whatever the fuck it is, I trump it by having literally sold pads to men.
Selling pads was no problem for me. However, the presentation included a demonstration comparing our product with the market brands and buying pads from the grocery store was one helluvan embarrassing time. A few crazy people have told me that I don’t need to be embarrassed because I could be buying it for my mother or imaginary girlfriend. That doesn’t work unless I hold up a sign to let the whole store know and I’m sure that would’ve been much worse.
I had no idea how I was supposed to hold the product. Should I be holding it proudly on display or trying to conceal it? What if I was mistaken for stealing pads? That would’ve been a whole other nightmare. Or maybe not. If a security guard catches a man stealing pads, he should just let him go out of sympathy. While waiting in line, I had a super heightened sense of hearing and self-consciousness. I heard girls giggling in the background and I was convinced that it was because they saw what I was holding. It probably wasn’t the case but it didn’t affect how I felt about the situation. I looked straight ahead the whole time and moved stiffer than I’ve ever moved. Fortunately, everything went smoothly. It would’ve been embarrassing if I didn’t have enough money. Like the security guard, if you’re a cashier and you’re serving a man trying to buy pads with insufficient funds, just show some mercy and let him go.
My other embarrassing shopping experience was when I bought condoms for the first time. It wouldn’t be embarrassing if the guy bought them confidently but I was not a confident condom buyer. I think the main reason I was embarrassed is because I didn’t know where to find them and had to ask the middle-aged Chinese female employee where the condoms were. That was basically a public announcement of my virginity. And it didn’t help that she couldn’t hear me the first time and I had to repeat myself.
All of what I just wrote pale in comparison to THE absolute most embarrassing experience I can imagine. And that would be refunding the condoms because you never got to use them and will not be using them in the foreseeable future and you really want those $10 back. Even with all my asian cheapness, I didn’t go that far and just paid the $10 not to experience that.