Loneliness and Godlessness

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to include blasphemy in my rants for fear I might offend a lot of people. But then I realized that I’ve already written racist and homophobic things so why stop now. It’s only fair for me to throw religion in the mix.

Being very depressed and lonely lately, I noticed that there’s two types of loneliness. One where I want someone to talk to, and another where I don’t even want to bother talking to people, which is what I’m feeling now. I don’t know which is worse. The latter should be worse but considering I don’t have anyone to talk to, the former is kind of worse for me. Either way, they both suck.

If God exists, why isn’t Jesus keeping me company? Why is he playing hard to get? There have been times when I’ve tried really hard to find Jesus but I’ve never felt a thing with him so it just feels stupid to keep chasing something I’ll never get. It feels even stupider than chasing girls. Even though I get nowhere with either things, at least I know the girls exist. Maybe I just haven’t found the right girls. Maybe Jesus decided it’s not the right time to meet me yet. Maybe I’m just terrible at chasing girls and deities.

About a half a year ago, a friend of a friend brought me to his church to try and help me because I was utterly depressed. He brought me to three different events and I saw no reason why he would think I would enjoy them. It’s as if he planned to just bring me there and let God do the rest. Too bad God doesn’t exist and no one did anything to me.

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14 thoughts on “Loneliness and Godlessness

  1. Sometimes you don’t want to read Bible verses to feel better or talk to anyone. That’s all part of the pain. And for avid Christians who are really nice, you feel bad if you really don’t want to listen to them go on about the next Bible study. I often think, “hey just let me be” and let me put my head on your shoulder for a second.

    • Sometimes I get so desperate that I think I’d rather have the preaching than nothing. Even in desperate times, I haven’t been able to delude myself into feeling the presence of god.

  2. I find that it’s easier to be lonely when you are trying to fit in to a room of people with whom you don’t belong. If you are unable to follow their delusional belief in a god it will only make you feel like more of an outsider and the byproduct would be loneliness.

    I’m a firm believer that finding happiness is the responsibility of the depressed. You can’t sit around waiting for God to remove the obstacle or emotion. Only you can choose to be happy. Only you can overcome whatever obstacle is preventing you from feeling happiness.

    Knowing I control my emotional well being has helped me overcome a deep depression that I suffered from for a long time. That and vitamin D. I have to take 10K IUs for a vitamin deficiency. It’s amazing how much better I felt once they found and treated that deficiency.

    • In theory, I agree that it can be lonelier to be in the presence of people you don’t like but personally, being physically alone leads to the more emotionally taxing loneliness. Only when I’m alone do I feel like I should just cry or go crazy. It’s horrible when I feel really sad and want to cry but I can’t even cry because I’m so emotionally messed up.

      I believe that it’s not the responsibility of others to help a depressed person but I don’t necessarily believe that the depressed person is responsible to make himself feel better either. If he wants to feel better, then it’s his own responsibility, but I’ve gone through many times where I don’t even care to feel better because it takes so much time, effort, and money. I just don’t want to feel any worse. Accepting death as an option makes it easier to not bother with anything.

      Several people have suggested vitamin D to help feel better. I’ve never tried it but I doubt it’d work for me. Even days when I’m outside for many hours and drinking lots of milk, I still don’t feel noticeably better.

      • If you have a primary care doctor they can test your blood. If you have a deficiency milk and sun isn’t enough. You would need to have your blood tested to tell how much you need to take. It stores in your fat so if you take to much it could be toxic. I take a large amount compared to most people.

        It’s night and day if I forget to take it. It almost feels like someone flipped a switch and I become listless. It’s seriously worth looking in to.

        • I’m talking about 2-10 hours in the sun and 1-5 liters of milk which is definitely an excess. But after all that, I just feel uncomfortable from being sunburnt or bloated.

          Is it something they test for in regular blood tests and is it something that develops suddenly? I’ve gotten blood tests before and all they tell me is that I have slightly high cholesterol. It’s hard for me to put in enough effort to see doctors but I did see a doctor once for depression and he didn’t ask to do any blood work. In some ways, I don’t even WANT to feel better. It would be retarded if that were completely true, but it is true to some extent.

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