The Day I Got Circumcised

I don’t know how many people remembers the day they got circumcised as vividly as I do. It was kind of a nightmare to go through but I have to admit that certain things must’ve looked hilarious to people who aren’t me so I’ll write about it for your entertainment. At first, I was trying to think of a title that’s parodies “the day I lost my virginity” and make it about my dick instead. I think it would’ve been one of my horrible failed pun titles so be glad that I went with a straightforward one instead. And now, let the story of the unfolding of my foreskin unfold. (Dammit, I hate it when force stupid puns that don’t really work but I can’t stop doing it.)

I wish I could smile like that and call myself silly with those puns but I actually harbor a lot of hate for myself for making them.

I wish I could smile like that and call myself silly with those puns but I actually harbor a lot of hate for myself for making them.

I don’t remember the exact age that I had my penis circumcised. I know it happened while I was in Hong Kong and I moved to Canada at 6 so it would’ve been one of those first 6 years. I think it was when I was 2 or 3 years old but I’m not too sure so it might also have been when I was 1 or 4 or 5. I only know that it’s not 0 or 6. I was a nice and obedient child so when my parents took me out that day, I didn’t ask stupid questions. Thinking back, I wonder why I never questioned any part of it at any point. I just went along with everything because I trusted my parents 100%. What a dumb kid I was. But then again, at 3 years old, I’m completely powerless anyway.

I would also be completely powerless as a girl because I'll just stare at my boobs all day.

I would also be completely powerless as a girl because I’ll just stare at my boobs all day.

I laid on the doctor’s table and followed his every instruction with a smile on my face. I just realized that I was actually a happy enthusiastic child but my parents wore me down over the years and now I’m a super cynical and depressed piece of shit. I don’t think any anesthesia was used for the procedure. Or maybe the doctor just snuck it in there without me knowing. He told me to count to 100 and I was proudly showing off my ability to do so. He may have told me to count odd or even numbers only because otherwise, I must’ve been retarded to be proud of being able to count. Actually, being proud to skip numbers is still pretty retarded.

Almost as retarded as a girl fixing her hair while stretching in her underwear on a field. Almost.

Almost as retarded as a girl fixing her hair while stretching in her underwear on a field. Almost.

I started off counting super fast and the doctor told me to slow down. I started over again and only got to around 40 when the doctor said he’s all done. At this point, I had no idea what procedure I just went through. I had to take off my pants and I knew he was working on my nether regions but I actually didn’t bother to think about what just happened. I was like a stupid little retard. I don’t know how much slack I should cut myself for being 3 at the time. We left the clinic and my parents called a cab. I literally jumped into the cab, just being the active happy child that I was. When I landed on the seat, I paused for a moment, realized that I felt immense pain, and started crying. The cab driver must’ve been like “wtf” but I don’t remember paying any attention to him at all because I was too busy crying like a little bitch who hurt his dick from sitting. My parents handed me the game boy and I started holding back my tears so I can play Super Mario Land.

It was one of these old school 1st gen game boys.

It was one of these old school 1st gen game boys.

Even at the time, I realized how stupid it was that I can be pleased so easily, but that didn’t stop me from getting pleased that easily. Because I was a stupid kid, I was only able to pass the first 2 levels so I just played those over and over again. I guess that’s the story of the day I got circumcised. I remember that for weeks after, I had to put empty toilet paper rolls around my dick like dogs with their cones. I also remembered that the first time peeing after the circumcision was painful and it made me cry and I was afraid of peeing for a little while.

If she just had her dick circumcised, that pose would be so painful.

If she just had her dick circumcised, that pose would be so painful.

Ted’s Little Bitch Corner on Video Games

Lately, I’ve pretty lost interest in everything. It makes life not worth living when nothing’s enjoyable anymore. I don’t know if I can still say “lately” if it seems to be the permanent state I’m taking on and it’s been already been a year and counting. My tolerance for everything has significantly decreased. I can tolerate a lot of shit, but I don’t bother anymore because it’s not worth it.

Basically, I just bitch about everything a lot more than I used to. I can hardly play through video games anymore. If you want to read my bitchings on video games, let me know and I’ll write something up. I hate how I have to get people to tell me to do things instead of just doing the shit.

Porns and Recreation

In short, this is a compilation of a bunch of observations I have about porn. I’ve made a lot of observations because I’m an avid porn collector. …I just stared at the screen for 20 minutes trying to think of the next line that would justify that remark but I can’t come up with anything. I guess that’s just honestly who I am now, plain and simple. I mean, I spent all of last night binge browsing for new videos to collect and I’m writing about it right now so porn is pretty much my whole life. This entry is a composition of my musings from one night of porn browsing.

 

Instead of a book, I had a computer. Instead of an opened shirt, I had opened pants. And I pretty much looked just as unamused.

Instead of a book, I had a computer. Instead of an opened shirt, I had opened pants. And I pretty much looked just as unamused.

It’s not uncommon for guys complain about fake tits. But it is uncommon to hear guys praising fake tits. I don’t get it. Why don’t I hear more people praising them? I’ll be the first to say I love fake tits as much as I love real ones. Maybe I only think that because anything is better than nothing and I’ve always had nothing. Or maybe I just have weird tastes because I also often prefer girls with glasses. There’s a porn video called Girls With Glasses but 1 minute into the video, one of the girls takes off her glasses, wtf?

That's like the equivalent of me saying I'm going to fuck all night long and then finishing after a minute.

That’s like the equivalent of me saying I’m going to fuck all night long and then finishing after a minute.

Speaking of porn titles, when guys see the name of their girlfriend or their ex, they simply have to check out the video. The chance of it being the same girl is nearly impossible but we just have to make sure. It’s a bit of a weird mentality. Kind of like how sometimes I’ll see a girl that looks decent but isn’t nearly as good as some of the girls in other videos that I have but I keep the video anyway because I’d feel sorry for her if I deleted it. That’s a really fucked up kind of sympathy.

"Eeeeee-okay I'll keep this video" - fucked up sympathy face.

“Eeeeee-okay I’ll keep this video” – fucked up sympathy face.

I’m a very hardcore fan. When I like something, I need to have EVERYTHING. This applies to games, movies, tv shows, comedians, actors, and porn actors. Some of the videos aren’t even good but I keep it anyway because I’m such a loyal fan. Evidently, I like porn a lot so I’m basically downloading all the porn which proves to be problematic in many ways. I’ve complained about my internet a few times on this blog already. I switched internet service providers a couple months ago and I’ve been having problems ever since. I have this problem where I can’t surf the web when I’m downloading stuff. So now I have to choose between downloading porn, or continue browsing for videos to add to my huge ass porn queue.

They look like they might be queuing and they have asses. ...Not every caption's gonna be comedy gold, okay?

They look like they might be queuing and they have asses. …Not every caption’s gonna be comedy gold, okay?

Now I’m not literally downloading all the porn because that would be insane. Like many other men, I don’t enjoy seeing penises when I engage in sexual activity and masturbation is my only sexual activity. So I basically just download all the lesbian porn. I’ve recently discovered that my porn preference is even more specific and it’s fairly odd. It turns out that I don’t like sexy girls. I actually don’t like watching sex, not even lesbian sex. I basically just enjoy watching pretty girls doing anything as long as they’re nude. On some rare occasions, I keep softcore porn that has guys in it. In those cases, I prefer the guy to be offscreen as much as possible and when he’s on screen, I prefer that he’s clothed. Again, sexiness isn’t part of the equation for me. It’s all about naked girls and boobies. I’m pretty sure this won’t bode well in my future sex life, if I ever get one.

Am I actually suggesting that this doesn't turn me on? Kinda. I actually have a whole rant about kissing but I won't get into here since this entry is super long already.

Am I actually suggesting that this doesn’t turn me on? Kinda. I actually have a whole rant about kissing but I won’t get into here since this entry is super long already.

I’m still fairly young and I’ve lived with my parents all my life. It just makes sense to watch porn with no sound, especially when I’m watching while other people are home. Every so often, I would be home alone and I decide to unmute the porn to enjoy it at its fullest. Maybe it’s because I’m used to getting sexually aroused with no sound, but the girls’ sexual cries actually make me uncomfortable and I end up re-muting the video most of the time. I feel sorry for the girl who takes my virginity because I’m such a sexual disaster.

That would probably be the look on the girl after I do whatever I do.

That would probably be the look on the girl after I do whatever I do.

But hey, there’s a good chance that no girls will ever have to go through that because I might never lose my virginity. I’ve previously written about my misadventures on craigslist and it seems I just never learn from my mistakes because I’m visiting craigslist again. The response rate is relatively low and I just get spam ads for sex sites most of the time. I sent off some emails a couple days ago and this time I haven’t gotten a single response, not even spam. I’m so lonely that I even miss the spam. That’s just sad and retarded.

I might as well join her and do whatever she's doing.

I might as well join her and do whatever she’s doing.

I may be young, but I’m getting older and I’m at the age now where most of my life, I’m used to seeing “working people” as people who are older than me. By working, I mean anything that pays pretty much: restaurant waiters, grocery store clerks, customer service representatives, actors, porn actors, and literally everything else. But now I’m at an age where I start to see “working people” who are younger than me. It makes me feel old, especially when I’m jerking off to a younger girl. I saw a video with a guy who looked much younger than me. I was pissed enough just from seeing a guy in my porn, but I actually found myself getting really mad that he’s so young and he’s getting laid while I’m still a virgin and he’s rubbing it in my face.

Just like how she's rubbing in everything I don't have. I have no holiday spirits, no gifts, and no girls.

Just like how she’s rubbing in everything I don’t have. I have no holiday spirits, no gifts, and no girls.

In the far foreseeable future, my only sex partner will be my hand. My intolerance for dicks in porn saddens me. Not because I want to be more gay-curious, but because I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of hot girls who appear exclusively in straight videos. Browsing through the titles, II recognized the name of a girl from lesbian videos. The girl was brunette and now she’s blonde and she looks great both ways. I want to add that to my rotation but there’s a damn dick in this new video.

They look good both ways, front and back. Now imagine a damn dick ruining this image.

They look good both ways, front and back. Now imagine a damn dick ruining this image.

Because I’m only looking for lesbian porn, when I see the word “gay” in the title, I actually click to check and see if they might be using the term broadly to include lesbianism. As much as I hate seeing dicks, I actually don’t mind checking out a gay video just to make sure I don’t want it. Speaking of dicks, I had a long discussion with a friend about whether dicks are more often circumcised or not and we used porn for reference.

I won't post dick pics but this picture looks like there's a huge black dick sneaking up on her.

I won’t post dick pics but this picture looks like there’s a huge black dick sneaking up on her.

Even though I never use videos with dicks, I have seen a lot of them when I scan through videos. I have seen hundreds of dicks. It makes me sad to know how true that statement is. I’m circumcised and my friend is not. I thought that the majority of men in North America are circumcised and my friend thinks they’re not. We actually looked it up in wikipedia. If you think I’m kind of disgusting, then you don’t have respect for knowledge. To truly respect knowledge means you can casually google dicks with your guy friends for research. The findings are inconclusive and that kind of makes sense since we’re not asked about our penises in the census. What’s surprising is that I use porn as source that most dicks are circumcised but my friend insists that most porn he has seen do not have circumcised dicks and he claims he’s more knowledgeable because he watches straight porn, unlike me. He may have watched dicks longer than I have, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen more different dicks because I watch (a lot) more porn. I’m an intelligent person and I realized that I might actually be wrong about the circumcised porn dicks. It’s true that I have seen hundreds of dicks, but I rarely see dick heads. I usually just see the shaft and I move on to the next video.

I'm so phallic-phobic that I don't even like the metal shafts here.

I’m so phallic-phobic that I don’t even like the metal shafts here.

I’m going to end this entry here. I actually have a lot more notes taken down but this entry is getting long and I’m getting tired of writing. I’ve been writing less lately and just generally been doing nothing so this has been a lot of work for me. You should appreciate it.

I'm going to go pass out on a bed except I won't be able to fall asleep and no one will be checking out my ass.

I’m going to go pass out on a bed except I won’t be able to fall asleep and no one will be checking out my ass.

Word Cloud Game

This isn’t the offensive entry I was hyping in the last post but I just discovered a hilarious word cloud game. When I make a word cloud of all the tags I’ve used in my blog, hilarious phrases start to appear. It probably only works so well for me because of how random my blog is. My favorite thing about this game is that alliteration is naturally built in by virtue of the words being in alphabetical order.

 

tagcloud1ass assassin’s creed asshole

asshole atelier

bad beautiful bike

bitch black blog

blood boobs

boobs brakes

bullshit bully butts

childhood chinaman

chinese chocolate circle

cool crazy crysis dad

dad dating death

diarrhea dick

facebook faggot faggotry

fake fat fat fuck

flamboyant food friend

good hard hate

homophobic horny humor

infamous insect insurance

lesbian library

Louis CK making fun Marc Maron masturbate

masturbatory milf milk

naked nature

never new blog

nice nightmare

nightmare ni no kuni nipple

nipple no money

paradox pardo

parents passively pee pictures

piece of shit piss plug

porn practice

pretend pretty prison

random rant rape

rape realize rejection

retarded review

self sex

shit slave

slow soul

The Heart Aches When It’s Frozen

There is no such thing as cold. What we call cold, is simply a lack of heat. I will expand on that later. Don’t worry, I’m not turning into an emotional-poet-wannabe. This is actually about something stupid that I do and my thoughts about it. This is about physical heart pains I experience when I put ice near my chest.

Be prepared to read for a while.

Be prepared to read for a while.

Okay, why the heck is Ted putting ice near his chest? This will take a number of sentences to explain. I bought a beast of a computer recently and placed it in my room, which is pretty small. Being the beast that it is, the computer is huge and generates a lot of heat. But this computer is no dumb beast. It’s a well-built beast so it has tons of fans to keep it cool. As a result, my beastly computer pushes all the hot air into my tiny room.

If Ted says "beast" one more time, I'll kill him.

If Ted says “beast” one more time, I’ll kill him.

My computer’s a beast so there’s not much I can do about it. My room isn’t that small and I’m not complaining about its size. It’s just not very well ventilated. Why is it not ventilated? Because the door is closed most of the time. Why is the door closed most of the time? To keep noise from coming in or going out. When my family’s around, they’re loud and I hate them so I would rather not hear them. At night, I try not to make too much noise because I’m a considerate person and I don’t want to disturb them when they’re trying to sleep. There are also handfuls of other reasons why I would want to close the door.

Pun intended. Teehee.

Occasionally, I bring ice packs into the room to cool it down a bit. I used to put the ice packs right next to the beast but then there are lots of pools of condensation water and I don’t want to get it wet. So now, I just put the ice packs on the desk, in front of the keyboard, so that the part of the room near the computer will still be somewhat cooler. That is why I have ice near my chest.

Long ass background story.

Long ass background story.

The ice isn’t actually touching my body so it’s not a frost-bitey kind of pain. For some reason, my heart is the thing that’s in pain. As far as I know, I don’t have any heart problems. In fact, I used to be pretty fit. A few years ago, I was running 10km everyday, as a means of transportation. I was a beast. In fact, I feel the heart pain right now. It’s an odd kind of pain. I don’t know what a heart attack feels like, but this feels like the prologue. I guess it feels like I’m dying? I still have the ice packs in front of me so I’m pretty sure that’s the reason I feel the pain, not because the girl from the picture is killing me for continuing to say “beast”.

Looks like I'll have to kill Ted the old fashioned way.

Looks like I’ll have to kill Ted the old fashioned way.

You know when you do hardcore cardiovascular exercises and your heart hurts because it’s working so hard? It feels a little bit like that but my heart isn’t beating any faster and I’m not breathing any differently. I don’t think it’s beating slower either. Remember the first lines of this entry? Back in high school, a smart girl named Emma sat near me in science class and I overheard her thinking that out loud. Heat is a type of energy and cold is just the lack of that energy. If I try to visualize how the ice packs affect the temperature in the room, I see cold air emanating from it. But cold isn’t a thing, heat is. So the ice packs are actually absorbing the surrounding heat. Energy is flowing towards it, not away from it. With the ice near my chest, it’s literally sucking (heat) energy from my heart.

Kind of like staring at her chest drains all my energy to do anything else...

Kind of like staring at her chest drains all my energy to do anything else…

Maybe the ice packs are causing condensation to happen within my body (maybe in my lungs?). And maybe condensation hurts. Maybe. Or maybe not. I don’t really care. If I cared, I would start by moving the ice packs further away instead of stupidly feeling discomfort. Before I end this entry, I want to warn any new readers I may have. My last couple posts have been more thoughtful and significantly less profane than what I usually write. The next entry is going to be back to being crude. The title will be a dead giveaway so don’t read it if you can’t handle it. If you do decide to read and you find something offensive, stop reading immediately because it’s not going to get any less offensive. People who love my sense of humor is going to love it. I won’t taint this entry with the title, but let’s just say it’s going to be about a handful of things. I have a lot of material which will take several hours to write. I’m deciding whether I should release it in parts or just release one really long entry. If I release in parts, it’ll just mean that you can read it sooner and I’ll still be releasing the full version when it’s done. Basically, if you just read this as my latest blog entry and you want to read more of my awesomeness right NOW, let me know and I will start releasing it in chunks.

I eagerly look forward to it since he's hyping it up so much.

I eagerly look forward to it since he’s hyping it up so much.

What is the Point of Grammar and Syntax?

Along with language, the sole practical purpose of grammar and syntax is the facilitate communication. Worthless nerds who correct people on technicality are just wasting everyone’s time. If the errors cause no hindrance, or possibly even accelerate the reader’s comprehension, then it’s not really an error, is it? Not sure if there should be a comma? Doesn’t matter as long as it’s readable. Run on sentences and sentence fragments? Bring them on. Comma splices, grandma’s lices. It doesn’t matter. I like to put punctuations outside of the closing quotation mark because I find that easier to read. People who tries to correct me on these should flick off and go flick themselves.

FLICK.

FLICK.

I don’t give a flying flock of avians about technicality. If my words can do its jobs (communicating my thoughts), then that’s all that matters. People who correct other people for making those mistakes are just losers with nothing better to say but they still feel the stupid need to say something. I would know because I’m one of those people. Technicality is not the reason to follow grammar but that doesn’t mean you should never follow it either. There’s no reason for any respectable human being to write like a teenager who just discovered that he can replace letters with numbers.

I’ve mentioned the importance of communication and self-respect, but typos don’t necessary reflect those things. There are plenty of differnet kinds of typos that don’t slow down the reader so it doesn’t affect commuincation. By definition, typos are mistakes and since all humans make mistake, it’s not a matter of self-respect either. But typos are still bad because they show a lack of care. If you’re not double-checking and triple-checking your work, you’re telling the reader that you don’t give a shred of poo about them. When I read something that’s typo-free, it helps me trust the writer more. I get the sense that they actually spent time and didn’t rush through it. When I see typos, I get the sense that the writer didn’t even read over his own work and if he’s not reading it, why should I?

Unlearning Things

A lot of things can be unlearned, like the things we learn in school. For a lot of subjects, as soon as you hand in the exam, everything is immediately forgotten. After a few years, at best, I can remember the names of the things I’ve studied with none of the detail retained. For most classes, I can’t even name a couple things I’ve supposedly learned because they are completely unlearned.

However, there are other things that aren’t easily unlearned and it’s hard to imagine how you would think without the knowledge. Everyone has their own unique personal examples of these but it is universally difficult to unlearn language, communication, and thought. We may forget how to read or write in languages we haven’t used in a long time but it’s impossible to forget the entire language.

Gestures like thumbs up and thumbs down are just symbols humans have invented. Everyone knows them and it’s hard to imagine how you would react if you didn’t know the gesture and you saw someone doing it. I really can’t imagine how I would interpret those symbols without prior knowledge of them. The obvious interpretation is that I might think it’s pointing up or down, but that’s not very creative. Maybe I would think they’re motioning me to jump or jerk. Maybe I would think that the thumb is my head and I’m supposed to hug myself. These aren’t good examples because I can’t imagine it which is exactly what I said four sentences ago.

There are certain words and expressions that we use very often and sometimes they’re the only way to express a thought. Let’s take the word sarcasm for example. That one word is so concise and without it, it’s really hard to describe what it is. You need a full sentence to replace that word, defining sarcasm as saying the opposite of what you mean but you’re not lying because the intent is to condescend as opposed to deceive. Okay, without the word, you can still kind of grasp at the concept. Now, what about a situation where the wrong person is being mildly sarcastic and the rebel utterly lacks sarcasm which makes it funny. For example, if a teacher lectures a student and jokingly compares his actions to terrorism and the student just says “no” to the teacher with a straight face. The humor and the irony would be completely lost because there was no concise understanding of sarcasm. And if you don’t know the words “crazy psycho confusing crap”, then how can you describe what you’ve just read?