Word Cloud Game

This isn’t the offensive entry I was hyping in the last post but I just discovered a hilarious word cloud game. When I make a word cloud of all the tags I’ve used in my blog, hilarious phrases start to appear. It probably only works so well for me because of how random my blog is. My favorite thing about this game is that alliteration is naturally built in by virtue of the words being in alphabetical order.

 

tagcloud1ass assassin’s creed asshole

asshole atelier

bad beautiful bike

bitch black blog

blood boobs

boobs brakes

bullshit bully butts

childhood chinaman

chinese chocolate circle

cool crazy crysis dad

dad dating death

diarrhea dick

facebook faggot faggotry

fake fat fat fuck

flamboyant food friend

good hard hate

homophobic horny humor

infamous insect insurance

lesbian library

Louis CK making fun Marc Maron masturbate

masturbatory milf milk

naked nature

never new blog

nice nightmare

nightmare ni no kuni nipple

nipple no money

paradox pardo

parents passively pee pictures

piece of shit piss plug

porn practice

pretend pretty prison

random rant rape

rape realize rejection

retarded review

self sex

shit slave

slow soul

The Heart Aches When It’s Frozen

There is no such thing as cold. What we call cold, is simply a lack of heat. I will expand on that later. Don’t worry, I’m not turning into an emotional-poet-wannabe. This is actually about something stupid that I do and my thoughts about it. This is about physical heart pains I experience when I put ice near my chest.

Be prepared to read for a while.

Be prepared to read for a while.

Okay, why the heck is Ted putting ice near his chest? This will take a number of sentences to explain. I bought a beast of a computer recently and placed it in my room, which is pretty small. Being the beast that it is, the computer is huge and generates a lot of heat. But this computer is no dumb beast. It’s a well-built beast so it has tons of fans to keep it cool. As a result, my beastly computer pushes all the hot air into my tiny room.

If Ted says "beast" one more time, I'll kill him.

If Ted says “beast” one more time, I’ll kill him.

My computer’s a beast so there’s not much I can do about it. My room isn’t that small and I’m not complaining about its size. It’s just not very well ventilated. Why is it not ventilated? Because the door is closed most of the time. Why is the door closed most of the time? To keep noise from coming in or going out. When my family’s around, they’re loud and I hate them so I would rather not hear them. At night, I try not to make too much noise because I’m a considerate person and I don’t want to disturb them when they’re trying to sleep. There are also handfuls of other reasons why I would want to close the door.

Pun intended. Teehee.

Occasionally, I bring ice packs into the room to cool it down a bit. I used to put the ice packs right next to the beast but then there are lots of pools of condensation water and I don’t want to get it wet. So now, I just put the ice packs on the desk, in front of the keyboard, so that the part of the room near the computer will still be somewhat cooler. That is why I have ice near my chest.

Long ass background story.

Long ass background story.

The ice isn’t actually touching my body so it’s not a frost-bitey kind of pain. For some reason, my heart is the thing that’s in pain. As far as I know, I don’t have any heart problems. In fact, I used to be pretty fit. A few years ago, I was running 10km everyday, as a means of transportation. I was a beast. In fact, I feel the heart pain right now. It’s an odd kind of pain. I don’t know what a heart attack feels like, but this feels like the prologue. I guess it feels like I’m dying? I still have the ice packs in front of me so I’m pretty sure that’s the reason I feel the pain, not because the girl from the picture is killing me for continuing to say “beast”.

Looks like I'll have to kill Ted the old fashioned way.

Looks like I’ll have to kill Ted the old fashioned way.

You know when you do hardcore cardiovascular exercises and your heart hurts because it’s working so hard? It feels a little bit like that but my heart isn’t beating any faster and I’m not breathing any differently. I don’t think it’s beating slower either. Remember the first lines of this entry? Back in high school, a smart girl named Emma sat near me in science class and I overheard her thinking that out loud. Heat is a type of energy and cold is just the lack of that energy. If I try to visualize how the ice packs affect the temperature in the room, I see cold air emanating from it. But cold isn’t a thing, heat is. So the ice packs are actually absorbing the surrounding heat. Energy is flowing towards it, not away from it. With the ice near my chest, it’s literally sucking (heat) energy from my heart.

Kind of like staring at her chest drains all my energy to do anything else...

Kind of like staring at her chest drains all my energy to do anything else…

Maybe the ice packs are causing condensation to happen within my body (maybe in my lungs?). And maybe condensation hurts. Maybe. Or maybe not. I don’t really care. If I cared, I would start by moving the ice packs further away instead of stupidly feeling discomfort. Before I end this entry, I want to warn any new readers I may have. My last couple posts have been more thoughtful and significantly less profane than what I usually write. The next entry is going to be back to being crude. The title will be a dead giveaway so don’t read it if you can’t handle it. If you do decide to read and you find something offensive, stop reading immediately because it’s not going to get any less offensive. People who love my sense of humor is going to love it. I won’t taint this entry with the title, but let’s just say it’s going to be about a handful of things. I have a lot of material which will take several hours to write. I’m deciding whether I should release it in parts or just release one really long entry. If I release in parts, it’ll just mean that you can read it sooner and I’ll still be releasing the full version when it’s done. Basically, if you just read this as my latest blog entry and you want to read more of my awesomeness right NOW, let me know and I will start releasing it in chunks.

I eagerly look forward to it since he's hyping it up so much.

I eagerly look forward to it since he’s hyping it up so much.

What is the Point of Grammar and Syntax?

Along with language, the sole practical purpose of grammar and syntax is the facilitate communication. Worthless nerds who correct people on technicality are just wasting everyone’s time. If the errors cause no hindrance, or possibly even accelerate the reader’s comprehension, then it’s not really an error, is it? Not sure if there should be a comma? Doesn’t matter as long as it’s readable. Run on sentences and sentence fragments? Bring them on. Comma splices, grandma’s lices. It doesn’t matter. I like to put punctuations outside of the closing quotation mark because I find that easier to read. People who tries to correct me on these should flick off and go flick themselves.

FLICK.

FLICK.

I don’t give a flying flock of avians about technicality. If my words can do its jobs (communicating my thoughts), then that’s all that matters. People who correct other people for making those mistakes are just losers with nothing better to say but they still feel the stupid need to say something. I would know because I’m one of those people. Technicality is not the reason to follow grammar but that doesn’t mean you should never follow it either. There’s no reason for any respectable human being to write like a teenager who just discovered that he can replace letters with numbers.

I’ve mentioned the importance of communication and self-respect, but typos don’t necessary reflect those things. There are plenty of differnet kinds of typos that don’t slow down the reader so it doesn’t affect commuincation. By definition, typos are mistakes and since all humans make mistake, it’s not a matter of self-respect either. But typos are still bad because they show a lack of care. If you’re not double-checking and triple-checking your work, you’re telling the reader that you don’t give a shred of poo about them. When I read something that’s typo-free, it helps me trust the writer more. I get the sense that they actually spent time and didn’t rush through it. When I see typos, I get the sense that the writer didn’t even read over his own work and if he’s not reading it, why should I?

Unlearning Things

A lot of things can be unlearned, like the things we learn in school. For a lot of subjects, as soon as you hand in the exam, everything is immediately forgotten. After a few years, at best, I can remember the names of the things I’ve studied with none of the detail retained. For most classes, I can’t even name a couple things I’ve supposedly learned because they are completely unlearned.

However, there are other things that aren’t easily unlearned and it’s hard to imagine how you would think without the knowledge. Everyone has their own unique personal examples of these but it is universally difficult to unlearn language, communication, and thought. We may forget how to read or write in languages we haven’t used in a long time but it’s impossible to forget the entire language.

Gestures like thumbs up and thumbs down are just symbols humans have invented. Everyone knows them and it’s hard to imagine how you would react if you didn’t know the gesture and you saw someone doing it. I really can’t imagine how I would interpret those symbols without prior knowledge of them. The obvious interpretation is that I might think it’s pointing up or down, but that’s not very creative. Maybe I would think they’re motioning me to jump or jerk. Maybe I would think that the thumb is my head and I’m supposed to hug myself. These aren’t good examples because I can’t imagine it which is exactly what I said four sentences ago.

There are certain words and expressions that we use very often and sometimes they’re the only way to express a thought. Let’s take the word sarcasm for example. That one word is so concise and without it, it’s really hard to describe what it is. You need a full sentence to replace that word, defining sarcasm as saying the opposite of what you mean but you’re not lying because the intent is to condescend as opposed to deceive. Okay, without the word, you can still kind of grasp at the concept. Now, what about a situation where the wrong person is being mildly sarcastic and the rebel utterly lacks sarcasm which makes it funny. For example, if a teacher lectures a student and jokingly compares his actions to terrorism and the student just says “no” to the teacher with a straight face. The humor and the irony would be completely lost because there was no concise understanding of sarcasm. And if you don’t know the words “crazy psycho confusing crap”, then how can you describe what you’ve just read?

Movie Magic: Nostalgic Callbacks (Ongoing List)

Everybody loves nostalgia. You can’t hate it. You have to like it by definition of the word. If you don’t like it, then you’re not experiencing nostalgia; you’re just remembering a crappy memory. Movies aren’t very long long so it’s pretty amazing when they can make us feel nostalgic during the movie for something that happened an hour ago. We feel nostalgic about the movie before it’s even over.

I noticed a common way that movies do that and I call it nostalgic callbacks. Early on in the movie, a character would say something idiotic or make up a crazy web of lies for comedic effect. This first event has to be out of the ordinary so that it’s memorable because crazy things are easier to remember than normal things. Near the end of the movie, they bring this idea back but this time, you actually see it happening instead of just hearing the characters talk about it. When done right, it’s delivers a more immersive experience because you feel like you’re in on an inside joke.

Just for fun, I will begin compiling a list of movies that use nostalgic callbacks effectively. I’m going to start the list small, with just the movies I watched today. When you recognize the movie, I’m sure you would feel nostalgic about it again. It’s a gift that keeps on giving. You can help me fill out this list too!

(I wish it was needless to say that there’s going to be spoilers but spoiler alerts are always needed to be said.)

…I started summarizing the movies and the nostalgic callbacks but that was too much work and boring to read. So I’ll just be listing the movies and the keywords in the nostalgic callbacks. That should suffice.

The Green Hornet

Nun-chucks and ejection seats.

Nun-chucks and ejection seats.

Madagascar 3

Madagascar 3

Trapeze Americano, aquatic cobras, jetpacks, balloons.

Ice Age

Ice Age

Peek-a-boo.

Madagascar 2

Madagascar 2

Dancing out of trouble?

I’m grasping at straws here. I’m not very good at making this list, but maybe you guys can do a better job.

Ice Age 3

Peaches.

Peaches.

A Quick Guide to Fixing 3D Crosstalk / Ghosting

My blog’s all over the place. I should really pick a few topics to focus on but I’m a real word slut and really want people to see my words so I’ll write anything that needs writing. I was looking into this problem and didn’t find a solution on the first page of Google so I found my own solution and here’s to hoping this guide will make it to the first page of Google. By the time someone searches for a guide to fix this, they already know what 3D crosstalk and ghosting is but for those who don’t know, it’s when your 3D movie is making you see more than 1 image when it’s not supposed to.

The real solution is to buy a better TV without the problem. But for everyone else, you can practically eliminate it by reducing brightness and contrast levels on your display. Easy.

Now that I’ve fixed your problem, help me share my blog online and make me famous. Stop watching stupid 3D movies and read my dumb jokes instead, lol.

For people who don’t have 3D TVs, here’s a George Carlin joke for you so you didn’t just waste your time reading something completely irrelevant. Why George Carlin? Because he’s simply better than me. Anyway, the joke is:

“Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that.”

Best Deleted Scene in Funny People

Unfortunately, I don’t have the clip. As much as I loved the movie, there were a lot of bonus clips in the blu-ray that weren’t so great and they showed repeated material so many times. However, there’s this one really funny scene I don’t know why they cut out.


Remember this scene where Eminem gets pissed off with Ray Romano? After the confrontation, Eminem also says this line sarcastically: “I gotta watch my back whenever I go out cause otherwise, what am I going to say to my daughter? ‘Daddy’s not going to be home anymore. Daddy made a mistake; Daddy got popped by Ray Romano.’” The way he says that last line so rhythmically, gangsta, and serious made it the funniest scene ever.

Survival of the What?

With the advent of technology and human intelligence, one can be very unfit and still survive pretty easily. It’s almost baffling that money is the biggest determinant of fitness. With a little eye surgery, plastic surgery, and oral surgery, you can have the most hideous genes and still be the most attractive person. Money is powerful, but yet, it’s just a volatile concept we’re all playing along with. In times of crises, money is worth absolutely nothing. I think first world countries have been relaxed for too long and we need a couple disasters to help clean our gene pool.

I go to the beach so I don't even have a pool for you to clean.

I go to the beach so I don’t even have a pool for you to clean.

Basically, anyone is fit to survive. So I started thinking about what kind of people would be the fittest in this crazy world we live in. If we’re talking about spreading seeds to carry on one’s genes, the fittest people are kind of the most horrible people. If a guy can get multiple girls to fall in love with him in addition to regularly having casual sex with strangers, he could potentially create a lot of offspring. This kind of guy might also be known as a sleazy cheating bastard. A stealthy rapist might also achieve comparable results.

This eye-wear makes me so stealthy that she doesn't even know I'm right beside her.

This eye-wear makes me so stealthy that she doesn’t even know I’m right beside her.

Let’s take a look at the surviving side of things. Smart and creative people tend to be more prone to depression and suicide which is completely unfit for surviving. Ambitious, corporate ladder climbing people, just like anyone else, could pretty much lose their job at any moment and those people have a much harder time accepting these harsh hypothetical realities. The fat corporate cats who nepotized their way into wealth are usually fat so they’ll be dying from bodily dysfunctions young enough. The other benefactors of nepotism would have spent too much time on their bodies and not enough time on their brains. There are too few “perfect” people who has the brains, body, and wealth so I will be ignoring that demographic when searching for this “fittest” person of the modern age.

Don't forget about women. We have plenty of steady job options. Like cooking. That IS why you hired us, yes?

Don’t forget about women. We have plenty of steady job options. Like cooking. That IS why you hired us, yes?

So what kind of lay men are the fittest? He can’t be too smart or creative. The dumber the better so he doesn’t need to think any unnecessary thoughts. He would have no ambition and be willing to take all kinds of shits from his boss. He would do labour jobs because there’s always an abundance of those and it’ll also keep him in good physical shape at the same time. It would seem that boring unambitious dumb sheep are the fittest people to survive in this day and age. Great job, humans.

This was the other picture I was going to use for "stealthy" but now she'll be disapproving humanity.

This was the other picture I was going to use for “stealthy” but now she’ll be disapproving humanity.

Veep Croissant

Veep

 

I haven’t blogged for a while but instead of talking about my sad pathetic life, I’m going to paraphrase a joke a from Veep instead. Julia Louis-Dreyfus, as the vice-president on the show, scolds this at someone after he screwed up a situation: “Why would you gather intel from an idiot? It’s like trying to use a croissant as a dildo. It doesn’t work and you just make a mess.”

croissant

Making Sense Out of Fiction

A friend of mine showed me an article where the author developed something he called “the pixar theory”. The theory tries to explain how every pixar movie is within the same universe and are all connected. To me, that is a perfect example of someone with way too much time on the hands and trying way too hard to earn people’s approval of his intelligence.

I hate that I'm using this picture so many times but it's just so appropriate to what I'm saying.

I hate that I’m using this picture so many times but it’s just so appropriate to what I’m saying.

So you can chain together similarities between all the movies, big whop.You know what else is similar between all the movies? They’re all animated with computers, they’re all the stories born from human imagination, and they’re all fiction. Fiction means that it’s not real, which means that ANYTHING can happen. If anything can happen, then you can explain anything you want, as long as you want to.

I want to cover myself with snow and freeze half to death to take a artsy picture.

I want to cover myself with snow and freeze half to death to take a artsy picture.

As a creator of stories and things, I like to throw in cameos from my other works just for fun and no other reason whatsoever. Even if pixar claims to have had plans all along, it doesn’t mean it’s true. What do you think a big company would want to do? Would they want to borrow a fan idea, alter it and make it into their own, have that fan shit his pants with joy, and gain free publicity? Or would they rather call that fan a dumbass douche that needs to spend his time doing more important things?

Or do less important things like holding up a fake book about red squares that I'm not even reading because I'm too busy staring at the camera.

Or do less important things like holding up a fake book about red squares that I’m not even reading because I’m too busy staring at the camera.

Have you ever seen an accomplished scientist come up with these extensive movie theories? No, because they’re spending their time doing more important things. If coming up with these theories is so brilliant, why doesn’t the person use that brilliance to actually do something… brilliant.

Do something brilliant like pretending to read a smart book. Look at me, I'm totally reading it. Look how I'm adjusting my glasses because that's how smart people read.

Do something brilliant like pretending to read a smart book. Look at me, I’m totally reading it. Look how I’m adjusting my glasses because that’s how smart people read.

Sorry if I sounded a little harsh on some people. I don’t think I’m better than you or anything. It’s just that I’m an attention-craving bum myself so I know one when I see one.

We don't need to know how to spell because we're hot.

We don’t need to know how to spell because we’re hot.