Please Don’t Raise Cheap Children

I was raised to be cheap and that has officially fucked with my entire life. Growing up, my parents always complained about the price of everything and I was taught to value cheap things because I don’t need expensive things. Because of the way that I was raised, my life is now completely fucked. I can’t hold jobs for more than a few months because I don’t need the jobs because I don’t need the money because I practically don’t use any money. The very fact that I’m alive is proof that I don’t need those jobs because I’ve quit them all and I’m still alive.

Now, I’m still living with my parents so that’s why I don’t need to pay bills and shit. Sooner or later, I’m going to need money, right? I think not. Partially because it pains me to spend money, there’s literally nothing I look forward to in life anymore. With nothing to look forward to, I don’t really need to extend this life. I’ve adapted to not needing to spend money to survive which led to not having any fun and now I’ve adapted to accept death. If you don’t want to raise a fuckin’ mess of a child like me, don’t raise your children to be cheap. Get them hooked on drugs so they feel the need to earn money to buy more drugs. At least they have a will to live.

I went to another branch of the library today to pick up a few dvds and met an ex co-worker. There was bullshit small talk and I jokingly asked if there were any rumors about me ever when I suddenly quit. She told me that some people thought I might have committed suicide. That actually made me happy. As social beings, humans like to share things. Since my life is pure misery, that just happens to be the only thing I can share.

8 Things I’ve Tried That Did NOT Make My Blog Popular

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Actually, I know that I’m doing with it; I’m doing absolutely nothing with it and have no intentions of doing anything with it either. I don’t want to spiral into another depressing rant so I’ll just cut to the part where I find that I’ve got a keen sense of comedy and maybe I should try to do something with it. I figured I’ll start a blog to pour my comedy into and see if it gets me anywhere. 120 blog entries later, my blog is still hardly recognized. I have tried a number of things to get people to see it but they turned out to be exercises in futility. Here is a list of 8 of these things:

1. Create Lots of Quality Content

I’ve written freakin’ over 10 entries. They’re not all award winning masterpieces but a couple of them have literally won awards from wordpress (These aren’t esteemed awards or anything, but at least it shows that some people really liked them. Trust me, I honestly don’t think very highly of these.) The handful of people who see my work really love it but the problem is that not enough people gets to see it. There are simply too many bloggers out there and my blog falls instantly into obscurity the moment I publish it. Okay, so let me try to get more people to see it.

2. Adding Tags For Search Engine Optimization

I need to make it possible for people to find my blog so I add plenty of relevant tags. I have used 570 tags and the site keeps good track of how people enter the site so I know exactly how few people are able to find the site on their own. I even created a word cloud game with all these tags that I’ve used. I can also see the search engine terms and although they’re hilarious to look at, the person probably didn’t find what they were looking for in my blog. “girl shit diarrhea after”: I’ve written about girls and I’ve written about diarrhea, but not together. “photo penis gay masturbation erection”: I’ve written about each of those words individually but I’ve never written about gay masturbation and I surely don’t have any photos of that.

3. Following Other People’s Blogs

When you follow another person’s blog, wordpress sends them an email and tells them to check out my blog in return. I shamefully admit that I’ve gone around blindly following others without reading their blog in order to make my blog more visible. That is how I got a couple hundred followers but now I suspect that the majority of them didn’t actually read my blog either. I’ve gotten some of my biggest followers this way but this method is too slow to be practical. It’ll never lead to virality and would take years to reach any substantial number.

4. Using My Social Networks

The biggest flaw with this is that it requires me to have a social network to begin with, which I don’t. If I had one, it would solve a lot of my problems but how is a person supposed to get one to begin with? A social network is one of those things that some people just have and if you don’t have one, there’s not much you can do to get a good one. I have 0 followers on twitter because I don’t have an account and 99% of my facebook friends completely ignore me. I only have 90 facebook friends so mathematically, I’m saying that only 1 person responds to me and he doesn’t even respond every time. Reddit isn’t any help either if I can’t get a few friends to bump it up when I create the post.

5. Write Edgy or Controversial Content

I don’t have a lot of boundaries so a lot of the stuff I write is edgy to begin with. That didn’t seem to suffice so I wrote some controversial and provocative things. All that accomplished was offending one gay guy. I found an hugely popular article about a Pixar Theory which tries to explain how all the Pixar movies are all intertwined. I wrote a response entry that attacks it a little and linked it in the comment section to try to feed off some of those readers. I actually got a couple hundred views from this stunt but all it accomplished was get me 3 haters.

6. Write Clean Content

I’m capable of writing clean content so I decided to write a few clean ones just to see if more people would like that. I thought that I was still able to write some pretty funny clean jokes but my hardcore followers just told me I should go back to writing dirty shit jokes.

7. Add Pictures to Engage Readers

I’ve been adding images for my last 40 entries. It all started during one of my many shit stories that people seems to love reading about. One of the shit stories got a follower who was this sexy young girl and I suspected that she didn’t actually read it and I called her out on it. Turned out that I made an ass and a dick out of myself but it created this funny idea of putting pictures of pretty girls in my shit stories to create a bittersweet juxtaposition. I started adding funny caption, akin to cracked style, and I wound up adding pictures and captions for all my entries, not just the ones about shit. People love it but they were the same people who already love my blog. The pictures didn’t get me any new readers.

8. Write About Popular Things

Instead of just writing my shit stories, I’ve also tried writing about movies, video games, and tv shows that I like but it didn’t help make my blog more visible. Too many people already write about these things and at the end of the day, it’s just really hard to find new blogs when there are so many out there. Even if the blog has great original content, and I’m going to assume that I do, it’s still really hard to overcome the odds and succeed. I hope you’ve learned from my experience and know that trying these things alone is not enough to get a popular blog. You’ll need to do more than this or just do a better job at these than I did, for example, by having more friends than I do.

Loner vs. Loser

I am a true loner. On rare occasions, I get jealous of other people having fun with friends, or girlfriends, or boyfriends, or all of the above. But I don’t think I actually want to have some of my own. I think I’m just misinterpreting my hate for the noise they make. I simply hate seeing other people have fun, with or without me.

For the most part, I’m pretty content with being a loner. That’s different than a loser who’s alone. I have high standards for who I would befriend and since the standards are beyond what anyone’s capable of, I’m fine with not having anyone. A lonely loser has low standards and still fails to find people to meet them. He’ll cling to anyone or anything that shows them an inkling of kindness.

Being a loner and being a loser is not mutually inclusive. Above all else, I am a loner. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m not a loser. I kinda am. I’ve lost at life. I’m just saying that I’m not a loner because I’m a loser.

Fact on Fat Action

I was just lying in bed, mulling over how shitty life is and I remembered a random shitty moment from the past. One day, during recess when I was in grade 5, a girl walked up to me and asked if I’ve seen her friend, let’s call the friend Elaine. I have to make up a name for the friend because I didn’t bother to learn the name of this person who doesn’t affect my life. I wasn’t 100% sure who Elaine was, and I asked if it was her fat friend. It was, but I hadn’t seen her so that was the end of that.

After recess was over, the teacher called me over to make me apologize for calling the girl fat. That was stupid. I only used “fat” as an accurate descriptor to clarify a question I was asked. There was no contempt involved. I wasn’t prancing around asking if she lost her fat friend. There was no other way to describe her anyway. What, you mean the Elaine who’s not in my class who I’ve never talked to and isn’t skinny? Fuck that, she’s fat.

Nice People Ruin My Day

More specifically, nice girls ruin my day. On an intellectual level, I know that they’re just being nice and not doing anything wrong but on a practical level, my day just gets ruined. This kind of thing happens to me pretty often when I go out so I guess it’s a good thing I only leave the house about once a month. I shall bitch about what just happened to me which is an example of one of these things that I’m being so vague about.

I walked to a supermarket to buy 3 bags of ketchup chips. None of the detail I mentioned matters to the story at all except for the part that I was in the supermarket. One of the few joys I’ve got left in the world is eating junk food but I’m not getting obese because I’m walking an hour to the store to buy the crap I put in my body. Being depressed, I don’t actually have the motivation to exercise and I only chose to walk instead of drive because my mom angry-nagged me a few days ago and I don’t want to use her car now. I don’t want to use it because I don’t want to give her more reasons to angrily re-nag me. To her, it might seem like I’m mad at her and shunning her but I’m not. I’m talking to her as little as I normally do but she just thinks I’m mad at her because she feels guilty. Fuck, I’m digressing. Everything about my life is so retarded that I have to explain and explain and it still doesn’t really make any fuckin’ sense so I’m going to move on now.

On my walk to the store, I noticed that not only do I not like talking to people, I don’t like looking at them either. Well, that’s not exactly right. I don’t like interacting with them in any way and making eye contact might instigate a smile, a nod, a salutation, or a confrontation so I rather just look away and avoid all that. When I walk past people on the streets, I’m actually actively avoiding eye contact. It’s not that I hate all interactions, but I just don’t like pleasantries.

Before I write about my interaction with the nice girl, I’d like to go on record and say that I’m a pretty attractive person. It’s hard to put an objective value on looks and attraction but no one’s ever told me I’m ugly and people often tell me that I’m handsome or good looking or pretty or cute (The last two ain’t that great because it makes me feel androgynous which I know I kinda am). I suspect that some of those times, people just tell me that to be polite but to say the least, I’m arguably attractive. I’m also awkward and don’t know how to smile. I don’t smile around friends and family but that’s mostly because I have shitty friends and family. But I can’t smile for pictures either. It just feels awkward to me. However, I can smile during small talk with strangers. I realized that as I reflected on the events of today. Just a random fact. I don’t know what to make of it yet.

I go in the store and grabbed 3 bags of chips. I’m wearing an oversized superman shirt, not because I like superman, but because I got the shirt for free from my aunt years ago and it’s big and comfy. At the check out, the young cashier girl looks at me for a while and says “Hi.” Then she asks if I’m preparing for a gaming marathon. I told her it was just for myself with was unnecessarily truthful. When the transaction was done, she says “Hope you kick some ass!” I thought it was a little weird that she continued to presume I was gaming but that’s not important.

Most people might tell me that she was just being nice but I think it was a bit more than that. I won’t go as far as to say that she’s hitting on me, but maybe she wants me to hit on her. I think that because I can’t possibly fathom why she would say those things to me, how she can possibly enjoy saying those things without an agenda. But then again, maybe that’s just extroversion because I don’t understand that either. Even assuming that some of these girls might be interested in me, there’s no way I’m asking them out because I hate small talk and I’m cheap so I don’t like the idea of paying money to sit at some place when I don’t even want to be there. After these interactions, I’m left mulling over it for the rest of the day, thinking about whether I should’ve done something. I’d like to have someone to be comfortable with right away, someone to watch tv and just sit around with. But I can’t just go up to a random girl and ask if she wants to come to my house, my parents’ house, and watch tv with me. Society deems that as creepy and I don’t want to get arrested on a hunch that I think the girl wants me to hit on her. Actually, maybe I should do that next time because I don’t have anything to lose and I’ve previously said that I wanted to go to prison anyway.