Shitting in Pants is a Blessing in Disguise

I’m writing this story right after shitting my pants. Correction: I’m writing this story right after cleaning myself for shitting my pants. I dealt with it very pragmatically, almost as if it was no big deal. If I were a regular pant-shitter, then shitting in my pants wouldn’t be a big deal. But I’m not a regular pant-shitter. I swear. Normally, it would be a big deal to shit my pants but I was able to react calmly because the conditions were just right: I was at the comfort of my home and there was no one around to ask me why I started smelling like shit all of a sudden.

Let me tell you how I shit my pants. Unfortunately, it’s not an amazing story. I was taking a piss and felt something that I was 100% sure it was a fart but when I let it out, some shit came out. Worse yet, it was was diarrhea shit. Sure, it was shocking at first but I didn’t let the shock faze me at all. I finished my piss, and then went to clean myself.

I’m sure I don’t need to convince anyone that shitting in your pants is a bad thing, but while I was cleaning my shit, I realized that it was a blessing in disguise. In fact, all pant-shitting events are blessings in disguise. You see, non-retarded humans learn from mistakes and shitting in my pants was definitely a mistake. The important thing is, I was able to learn from the experience. I now know that I should trust my farts a lot less. It truly is a blessing because from now on, I will be less prone to make the same mistake again. And there are ALWAYS worse situations to have shit in your pants. Shitting myself at home and learning the lesson could’ve prevented me from shitting myself in public. If one learned this lesson from a public experience, there can always be things to make it worse, like having done it on live TV or having the president around. And if that was already the case? Maybe you’ll lose your fingers one day and it’s easier to deal with shit with fully functional hands.

Ultimately, shitting my pants marks the worst case scenario for pant-shitting for me because I won’t make the same mistake again with worse conditions. The shit happened. I dealt with it. As bad as the situation may be, it’s over now. The peace of mind of knowing that life will get better after having shit myself makes life seem more positive.

Also, I normally wouldn’t study types of diarrhea, but cleaning it has taught me a few things about diarrhea that I never would’ve learned otherwise. However, I was exactly studying my shit, so that was kind of a missed opportunity for me. All I learned was that this particular shit was composed of tiny clumps and was not entirely liquid. Basically, I just learned that diarrhea doesn’t have to be all liquid and I am now familiar with how it looks when you spray water on it. Will this knowledge do me any good, ever? Probably not, but it doesn’t hurt to know.

4 thoughts on “Shitting in Pants is a Blessing in Disguise

  1. I love how you use the term pant-shitter like it’s a thing… :/ you are the oddest little creature Ted, definitely can’t say i mind tho.

  2. Hey Ted, SHIT HAPPENS!

    Being a Pants-Shitter at home is always the best choice. Such events are uncomfortable when happening at work, driving the car, or in an elevator. Such events are extremely uncomfortable when riding a motorcycle. But, believe it or not most of us acquire such experience as we age. If you drink, such event may become common occurrence if you over indulge to the extent that the booze is the cause. If you are a “crankster” such event can be created shortly after doing the drug. If you are into paper towel tubes and gerbils, such event might be medically induced subsequent to loss of the gerbil. But the worst of all is subsequent to some authentic Mexican food with a good hot sauce. There is not much worse in this world than a case of the “drizzling shits” that burns . . .

    Just thought you would appreciate a more worldly opinion on the subject.

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