Political Dating

In politics, candidates run campaigns and make tons of speeches and promises to look as good as possible regardless of whether they can be keep their word or not. The only goal is to get people’s approval and vote. After that, whatever happens happens and reality can never live up to the promises. As long as they are appealing at first, that’s all that matters. Dating is just like that. Sales is like that too. Heck, all of life is like that and I hate that.

 

In dating, guys will do everything in their power to make themselves as appealing as possible to girls. They have to, because everyone else is doing it. Everyone does it because it works. Without knowing anyone in depth, why wouldn’t a girl choose a guy who seems better on the surface? Who knows what’s under the surface. Some people can have a shitty surface and shitty insides. With a pretty surface, there’s at least that.

 

This is why life fails me… or why I fail at life, however you want to put it. I have no interest in putting up a show. I’m not going to wow anyone on a first date. I’m great in the long run but that doesn’t matter because I don’t ever get to start. I’m reliable, nice, and good at many things. I’ll be fun and funny eventually, just not at first. I’m helpful in many way. I’ll drive you to the airport with no complaints. I’ll drive your relatives to the airport. I’ll do anything. All you have to do is ask but no one’s asking.

Someone

Someone went through my blog and read tens of entries a couple days ago. I wonder who it was and what he/she thought. Whether it was silly, stupid, or interesting, something seemed to hold their attention. I wish people leave comments more often. The people I want to hear from most are usually people wise enough not to comment just for the sake of commenting. I’m not shitting on any of my existing commenters though. Surprisingly, I get pretty much all quality comments but I see the internet and other blogs constantly filled with pointless comments.

 

I just want someone to speak up, anyone. I give credit to all who’ve spoken out to me but I’ve tired them out, understandably so. Might as well speak to me while I’m still around. Not that I’m necessarily dying anytime soon, but I would easily abandon blogging if I don’t see enough activity.

 

Speaking of someone, someone apparently was somewhat interested in me today, at least briefly. It was an older lady at a bar, probably in her 30s. I went to a bar with some friends, female friends who I don’t normally talk to. We’re like drinking buddies except I rarely drink. Apparently they saw that lady sitting next to me looking me up and down. I was too depressed and unmotivated to do anything. There was also loud music which makes conversation impossible so attempting would’ve simply been futile. I don’t get how people can bother trying to talk in these places. I just sat silently. She said something to me but I couldn’t hear her so I just smiled. A little while later, some dude just comes and starts making out with her. I assumed he was her boyfriend. Further evidence suggests that they were actually probably strangers. I can’t compete with that kind of behavior though. I refuse to. The girl wasn’t very attractive but she could’ve had me if she made a move. I would take anyone at this point. Not a very attractive thing for me to say, but it’s true. But she got that guy anyway so I wasn’t needed… once again… Good for her though.

I’m feeling the most grim

even though I’m now trim.

I worked my ass off,

literally fat ass weight came off.

From people I feel no affection.

All I feel is defection.

Why the fuck am I rhyming?

It’s not like it’s ever good timing.

Why do people insist I live

when they don’t want the things I give.

Life’s bad with lots of trouble.

I’m sad with mood that don’t uphold.

To me, people are so unappreciative.

Or maybe I’m not taking enough initiative.

Whether the problem lies outward or inward,

matter not because either way I’ve been hurt.

Would I be strong to endure the pain?

Or just a dumb dong with nothing to gain.

There’s nothing left for me to enjoy.

No wish, no dream, no toy.

Well, I do want love: unconditional.

Though that term’s definition: null.

Conditions exist, however inane,

like for me not to be insane.

But that kind of love cannot be attained

because my motivation has been detained.

I am but a speck in a population.

No one to seek me for interrelation.

To stand out,

without a doubt,

I would need to bullshit and pretend

like people with full shit in their hand.

Their gestures seem gracious and appealing.

like desk chairs that are spacious with soft filling.

But over time the truth will come out.

Things wear out and smell like trout.

Half these rhymes might make no sense.

That’s a sign I might be dense.

Dating, falsely charming, I will not participate.

Decaying, slowly dying, I have to anticipate.

I want people who wants me to be there.

Otherwise, suicide prevention is not fair.

Taking Anti-Depressants Now…

I just went to the doctor and now I’m taking anti-depressants and sleeping pills. They say anti-depressants often give people suicidal thoughts. I’ve heard it explained that depressed people are too unmotivated to even kill themselves but once they get a little motivation back, they become motivated enough to commit suicide. I kinda hope that happens to me. I’m supposed to go see doctor or emergency room immediately if I get suicidal thoughts but emergency room sounds pretty horrible. I’ve been there enough times with my uncle who died from cancer to know that they’re too busy to give a shit about me and they’ll probably just strap me onto a bed so I can’t kill myself. Sounds torturous.

 

I went to a walk in clinic and it took them a long time to see me. It’s right next to the pharmacy so I spoke with the pharmacist a couple times while I was waiting. I asked how long it takes for anti-depressants to take effect and he told me 6 weeks. The doctor later confirmed that. That blew my mind. I need something to help me immediately. I don’t know if I can stand feeling this shitty for 6 weeks…

I’m Done With Life

This is pretty pointless because I can’t be bothered to write anything interesting when I’m feeling like total shit but I’m writing anyway because I don’t know what else to do. Nobody else gives a shit. If you’re reading this and you care but not that much because I’m just a random dude on the internet, just know that that’s more care than anyone else is giving me.

 

I just got home after three nights at my girlfriend’s university resident and I’m feeling shittier than ever. I’ve been feel shitty lately but I didn’t blog about it. Shit happened and I may write about it but it seems more effort than it’s worth and it wouldn’t matter anyway once I’m gone. For a long time, I’m just passively suicidal but I don’t know how passive it’s staying. I don’t have any plans to do anything yet but it definitely feels horrible enough that I just want it to end. I don’t know why I give a shit about what people would think of me if I killed myself. I shouldn’t care because it won’t affect me at all once I’m gone.

 

I haven’t blogged about having a girlfriend yet and I have my reasons for that. There were no fights or anything during this weekend, but that’s only because I’m amazing at avoiding conflict and I’m also such a good person in all situations but it’s a very tiring job and apparently so unrewarding that it makes me want to die. During my previous depressed years, I always thought that having a girlfriend is the last thing I want to try before deciding life isn’t worth living. Maybe it’s my bad luck that my first and only girlfriend is not a good one.

 

She’s pretty oblivious to all this shit but I think I might send her a link to this blog entry. I’ve been completely uncheap with her and have been making her feel great in all ways while I’m with her so of course there’s a part of me she really likes. But she doesn’t really care about me at all and I don’t know if I can cope with it anymore. We have practically no common interests. It’s almost amazing how little we have in common. She doesn’t enjoy the shit I have to say and doesn’t enjoy my sense of humor. She likes games but doesn’t give a shit about my game developing career and doesn’t like any of the games I like. She doesn’t read this blog. There’s simply nothing. I thought at least I might stay for the sex and hope the other things might get better over time. But nope, those aren’t getting better over time and the sex isn’t worth it. I don’t know if it’s my depression or what, but sex is fairly unenjoyable for me. I’m still constantly horny and always ready to do stuff, but it hasn’t been good. Maybe it’s because I’m not good at it yet but without the opportunity to practise, I can’t get better. Condoms also make the whole thing pretty pointless because I don’t feel anything. Over the past 3 nights, we were sexually active and yet I still had to jerk myself off each night. It’s depressing. I offer for her to help me ejaculate each time but she chooses not to and I’m not going to force her. I’m leaving out a lot of details but the stats are true and I feel shitty about it and no one is doing anything about it.

 

Today, the last day i was there, I made it abundantly clear that I was unhappy. She observed that I looked “lifeless” and when asked if I was okay, my answer (yes) was “unconvincing”. I’ve briefed her on my depression but she barely knows anything because we can never carry a long conversation. She tells me to just not think shitty thoughts and to just be happier. She claims it’s possible because she’s done it too. That’s not justified reasoning. I’ve done it too for years and years since I’ve always been depressed and I’m still alive as of this moment. But it gets worse and worse each time and I know depression more than most people, especially her. She tells me to try to make new friends but that’s stupid. My current friends are making me unhappy. If I am to replace them with new and better friends, then I won’t need anything to do with the old batch of which she’s a part of. My visit ended with me saying that I don’t want to go home and her telling me that “there’s nothing for [me] here.” I rebuttled by saying there’s nothing for me anywhere. It’s as if she wasn’t even trying to make me feel better and just wanted to get rid of me.

 

There’s a lot more but I’m not going to write everything because I’m not here to complain about my girlfriend. I’m complaining about all of life. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m unwanted everywhere. If it didn’t hurt so bad, I would just keep on wasting time and living without doing anything. But it’s hurting so much now. My hurt feelings are manifesting as physical pain. It’s happened before but those were only for a night or two. This one isn’t going away and it has no reason to go away. It’s absolutely not due to a lack of trying on my part. I know what can make me feel better. I just want people to care and appreciate me. When I’m a guest, I cook, I clean, I wash dishes, and I offer to help out in all other possible ways but my help isn’t wanted. I don’t know if they’re just hesitant to receive help from someone they barely know or if the help is really unwanted. Either way, I’m left feeling like shit. There are 3 households that I’ve been a guest of so I’ve definitely gave it a shot. Maybe life just isn’t for me. Maybe I’m not as awesome and helpful as a guest as I thought I was being. Maybe I’m just a shitty person to be around. It might be my fault that my life is so crappy or everyone else’s fault. But it doesn’t really matter because no matter what, my life is still crappy and nobody wants me around, especially me.

My Favorite Tweets Part 2

More tweets by me, @tedgaming_ted:

 

People should know that they can say things so #stupid that it automatically forfeits the value of their #opinion.

 

Last night I was thinking that I should start #blogging daily, for consistency or whatnot. Then I thought: “Nah, I’m too #lazy for that.”

 

…super #anal #clean… … …I don’t think anyone’s #anus is that clean.

 

Just noticed that my last tweet was on my #birthday and it was about #porn

 

Somehow, #Godzilla can be in the middle of the ocean and still only be waist-deep in water.

 

I never #drive when I’m #drunk. Not that I #remember anyway.

 

I took a #shit, finished, stood up, #sneezed, and found a drop of #pee on the floor. Glad it was pee and not the other thing. #sneeze #poo

 

I’m half ambidextrous.