I’m Done With Life

This is pretty pointless because I can’t be bothered to write anything interesting when I’m feeling like total shit but I’m writing anyway because I don’t know what else to do. Nobody else gives a shit. If you’re reading this and you care but not that much because I’m just a random dude on the internet, just know that that’s more care than anyone else is giving me.

 

I just got home after three nights at my girlfriend’s university resident and I’m feeling shittier than ever. I’ve been feel shitty lately but I didn’t blog about it. Shit happened and I may write about it but it seems more effort than it’s worth and it wouldn’t matter anyway once I’m gone. For a long time, I’m just passively suicidal but I don’t know how passive it’s staying. I don’t have any plans to do anything yet but it definitely feels horrible enough that I just want it to end. I don’t know why I give a shit about what people would think of me if I killed myself. I shouldn’t care because it won’t affect me at all once I’m gone.

 

I haven’t blogged about having a girlfriend yet and I have my reasons for that. There were no fights or anything during this weekend, but that’s only because I’m amazing at avoiding conflict and I’m also such a good person in all situations but it’s a very tiring job and apparently so unrewarding that it makes me want to die. During my previous depressed years, I always thought that having a girlfriend is the last thing I want to try before deciding life isn’t worth living. Maybe it’s my bad luck that my first and only girlfriend is not a good one.

 

She’s pretty oblivious to all this shit but I think I might send her a link to this blog entry. I’ve been completely uncheap with her and have been making her feel great in all ways while I’m with her so of course there’s a part of me she really likes. But she doesn’t really care about me at all and I don’t know if I can cope with it anymore. We have practically no common interests. It’s almost amazing how little we have in common. She doesn’t enjoy the shit I have to say and doesn’t enjoy my sense of humor. She likes games but doesn’t give a shit about my game developing career and doesn’t like any of the games I like. She doesn’t read this blog. There’s simply nothing. I thought at least I might stay for the sex and hope the other things might get better over time. But nope, those aren’t getting better over time and the sex isn’t worth it. I don’t know if it’s my depression or what, but sex is fairly unenjoyable for me. I’m still constantly horny and always ready to do stuff, but it hasn’t been good. Maybe it’s because I’m not good at it yet but without the opportunity to practise, I can’t get better. Condoms also make the whole thing pretty pointless because I don’t feel anything. Over the past 3 nights, we were sexually active and yet I still had to jerk myself off each night. It’s depressing. I offer for her to help me ejaculate each time but she chooses not to and I’m not going to force her. I’m leaving out a lot of details but the stats are true and I feel shitty about it and no one is doing anything about it.

 

Today, the last day i was there, I made it abundantly clear that I was unhappy. She observed that I looked “lifeless” and when asked if I was okay, my answer (yes) was “unconvincing”. I’ve briefed her on my depression but she barely knows anything because we can never carry a long conversation. She tells me to just not think shitty thoughts and to just be happier. She claims it’s possible because she’s done it too. That’s not justified reasoning. I’ve done it too for years and years since I’ve always been depressed and I’m still alive as of this moment. But it gets worse and worse each time and I know depression more than most people, especially her. She tells me to try to make new friends but that’s stupid. My current friends are making me unhappy. If I am to replace them with new and better friends, then I won’t need anything to do with the old batch of which she’s a part of. My visit ended with me saying that I don’t want to go home and her telling me that “there’s nothing for [me] here.” I rebuttled by saying there’s nothing for me anywhere. It’s as if she wasn’t even trying to make me feel better and just wanted to get rid of me.

 

There’s a lot more but I’m not going to write everything because I’m not here to complain about my girlfriend. I’m complaining about all of life. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m unwanted everywhere. If it didn’t hurt so bad, I would just keep on wasting time and living without doing anything. But it’s hurting so much now. My hurt feelings are manifesting as physical pain. It’s happened before but those were only for a night or two. This one isn’t going away and it has no reason to go away. It’s absolutely not due to a lack of trying on my part. I know what can make me feel better. I just want people to care and appreciate me. When I’m a guest, I cook, I clean, I wash dishes, and I offer to help out in all other possible ways but my help isn’t wanted. I don’t know if they’re just hesitant to receive help from someone they barely know or if the help is really unwanted. Either way, I’m left feeling like shit. There are 3 households that I’ve been a guest of so I’ve definitely gave it a shot. Maybe life just isn’t for me. Maybe I’m not as awesome and helpful as a guest as I thought I was being. Maybe I’m just a shitty person to be around. It might be my fault that my life is so crappy or everyone else’s fault. But it doesn’t really matter because no matter what, my life is still crappy and nobody wants me around, especially me.

19 thoughts on “I’m Done With Life

    • It didn’t help. I’ve been on the verge of crying for days and some tears almost shed out from general sadness while reading, not at anything specific. I got jealous that you have people who love you. I got jealous that you have plans and suicide attempts. I tend to succeed in most things so I’m pretty sure I would perform a suicide successfully if I ever tried, so I would never really have any suicide “attempts” to speak of. I tell people all the time how depressed I am and how I’m pretty much suicidal. It makes people feel shitty but no one really cares enough to really do anything about it.

      I’m good at cutting losses, in gambling, in work, in life. I feel like I should maybe cut my losses with life too since it doesn’t seem to be working out. I honestly can’t pinpoint the exact reason why I’m still staying alive. I’m waiting for someone to help but no one’s helping. I can’t completely blame them either. Who wants to take in a suicidal and depressing person.

      • I’m sorry that it didn’t help and that it may have even done the opposite. My desire was to spread some hope, but if that wasn’t the case I am very sorry. In my life, I had to be the one to reach out- to say I cant do this alone. Please help me. No one noticed on their own..I had to take the first step. I pray that if you haven’t already, you will do the same. Seek counseling. Don’t give up. You are worthy of a good story and worthy to be loved.

  1. It is tough but you matter to someone. I know that’s hard to understand, especially in this state, but believe me you do. Maybe you just haven’t found them yet – or maybe you have and you just don’t know it. Whatever you do, don’t give up.

    • I would like to believe that but it’s just not realistic for me. I know my death will definitely affect people, but that doesn’t mean my life matters to anyone. If I disappear (safely) without dying, people hardly be affected. I’ve pretty much proven that already.

  2. All I can say is that people who tell you to “cheer up” or “think happier thoughts” are people that don’t understand, and haven’t actually been through it, as much as they try to claim that they have. I mean, what do they expect is going to come out of saying that? “Oh wow, I hadn’t thought of that myself! I should just be happier. Thanks a lot!” It’s worthless advice from someone who not only doesn’t understand, but can’t understand.

    I wish you as well as I possibly can. I suffer from pretty terrible bouts of depression, and managing my anxiety is a constant war that I will never actually finish fighting.

    I don’t have awesome advice though. That’s the thing: no one does. It’s just a shitty, shitty thing that you have to deal with and no one knows how to make it better. All I can do is tell you the same shit you hear from everyone else: Medication is good, therapy is good, and having a creative outlet is good.

    I wish I had something more useful to say, something more tangible, but I don’t. No one ever told me anything that fixed my problems. No one has ever really said anything to me that’s clicked. I just started taking my meds, starting actually pulling myself out of bed, and started going to a self-harm support group. I’m not even really “fixed” or anything, because that’s not how depression works. I do feel a little better. I feel well enough to get some things done, and getting those things done makes me feel better in return. It’s a shitty, horrible thing to deal with, but it’s worth fighting through it. I’m really glad I didn’t take my own life.

    Good luck. I hope things get a little better for you. Also, sex isn’t as awesome as everyone tells you it is. It’s cool, it’s fun, but it’s not a drug, and it’s not the focal point of the universe, like people say it is. Don’t feel too bad that it’s not great. Sometimes, it’s just not great. and that’s okay.

    Okay. Done rambling.

    • That first paragraph you wrote should be printed on a poster.

      You know how you say that no one ever told you anything that helped with your depression. That’s what I think seeing therapy will be. That’s why I’ve leaned against them. I’m not dead set against them or anything. If someone will take me right to a therapist’s door, I’ll go in and talk. But no one’s doing that for me and making the appointments don’t feel worthwhile.

      • I don’t think that therapy is good because they tell you things you need to hear, or anything. It’s just nice to have someone who is paid to give a shit about your mood. It sounds lame, I know, but it feels good nonetheless.

        • My friends let me bother them with that already, lol. It’s obviously not fun for them but they’re nice enough to hear me out for the most part. For the first few rounds of depression that seems to help but nowadays I don’t even enjoy talking about it anymore. I would talk about it, but I would need someone to really give a shit and not just willing to listen.

        • I know it’s kind of against the “depression code” to have friends but that’s just a simple way of labelling them. These are people that I go months and years without speaking to. So I definitely still feel unimportant in their lives.

          • Yeah, I get you. You get sick of talking about. So half the time, I don’t. I just talk about other bullshit, things I’m angry at and things that happened half the time.

            It’s hard to explain, but there’s just something about the environment of talking with a therapist that’s different than talking with friends. Like, you’re not invested in the relationship with your therapist. You don’t have to care about what he thinks of everything, you don’t have to care that you’re bothering them, and you don’t have to feel pressured to “get better” for the therapists sake. I think that’s the number one reason why talking with friends never really worked for me. They give a shit, sure, but not enough to just let you be you. They all want you to get better. And yeah, sure, that’s great, whatever, but it makes it feel like the depression is suddenly about the relationship, and I always feel pressure to “feel better” when I talk with them about it.

            But that’s just me, I’m not living your life, so I certainly don’t know what works and what doesn’t for you.

  3. Hi. I played your robot game and ended up here. Sorry to hear about your depression. I havent lived through that but know many who have. One thing in common with them was that meds helped. Not always the first one they tried, and it does take a while, but eventually there would be improvement. Someone who will listen to you is worth hanging on to. A lot of the shitty things feel that way because you’re depressed, if you get your meds right then things in general will seem a lot better. Even if you dont see it now, you are important, dont give up. There will be better times ahead. Wish you the best.

  4. And by the way I liked the game, nice to see a game where you actually have to think a bit and have several possible ways of doing things without being too longwinded or complex. More of this please 😀

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