Email Transcript: Sigh…

I just sent an email to my friend Justin. I figured I’ll post it here too. I remember saying I didn’t want to be a bummer but I guess I’m just feeling extra shitty today.

 

You gotta appreciate what you have more man. So I spent the past month or so talking to various girls and none of them panned out at all. I just went for a walk with the girl that lives on my street and basically she just doesn’t like me. Apparently I’m too wild. wtf, seriously? lol. She didn’t say it so conclusively but it’s basically done. Then, after Laura hasn’t replied to a couple messages i sent her for a whole month, she replies saying she was busy with assignments. Like seriously, you can’t be so busy that you couldn’t have told me you were busy earlier. It’s simply an utter lack of respect from everyone. Sadly enough, as shitty as Laura is, if given the chance, I’ll probably go back. I’ve got no other options.

 

There are lots of things different about our lives, especially at this point, and I partially blame environmental conditions for my life’s shittiness. It’s not that I’ve been given conditions so shitty that they can’t be overcomed, but they’re definitely shittier. Think about everything you’ve got. As hard as it was for you to start clubbing, imagine having to make an extra 30 mins commitment per trip on transportation. Same thing with school. As hard as it was to go through it, imagine going through an extra hour of commute or having to work like crazy to have money to drive and park. Eldoled is kind of the reverse where you had to drive 30 mins which you didn’t have to drive if you lived where I lived but if you had my life, you wouldn’t have had the dad to connect you to that job to begin with.

 

Once again, it’s not like I had it so hard that the obstacles couldn’t be overcome but if we compare us 2 where we shared similar paths at one point, I was given shittier conditions at every step of the way. I’m so tired of this stupid life… Maybe I’ve feeling shittier because I’m off my meds now but there are also plenty of shitty external stimuli. I’ve already learned to not take a single word my family says seriously. My brother arranged to play board games with me during the day and he was out of the house the whole day without even a word. It’s one thing to not have anything, but it’s worse to constantly have people blatantly lie about doing stuff and showing complete no need to respect my feelings whatsoever. If I let myself feel more feelings, how could it be any better. I could go into more detail but whatever, there’s no point. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit.

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The Last Of Us: Researching Games

Time and time again, I keep hearing people sing praises about The Last Of Us. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m starting to notice that I get easily influenced in certain ways. Hearing all the praises about the game makes me want to replay it.

 

I first played The Last Of Us one summer. It was either summer 2013 or 2014. I honestly cannot remember. I’ll find out when I see my save file again. It was probably 2013 since I don’t remember much of the tiny details anymore. If it was only a couple months ago, that would be much sadder. Still, best case scenario: a year and a half has lapsed and forgetting so much of the game is still a bad sign for the state of my memory.

 

I don’t expose myself to much news or media. I don’t talk to many people either so often times I never even hear about widely advertised movies and games. This was the case for The Last Of Us. I saw it on a list of games I can borrow from the library and decided to check it out. I remember when I listened to The Indoor Kids a year prior, they mentioned a shooter game that takes place in a desert country and you make hard decisions about whether to kill people or not. Just from the cover and the title, I thought that was what The Last Of Us was. I don’t know what the other game’s called but these are two separate games and I’m pretty sure the other game isn’t nearly as amazing as The Last Of Us.

 

I’m a fan of the Uncharted games and when I loaded up The Last Of Us, I knew right away I was going to have a good time since it’s made by the same company, Naughty Dog. I’m not a fan of shooters, stealth, puzzle, or survival games so I actually didn’t enjoy the gameplay much. I wasn’t too compelled to play the game and had to force myself to play through a couple sections just for the sake of finishing the game. By the end, the overall experience was good and invoked some pretty interesting emotions but I get the sense that my experience wasn’t as epic as it should have been. I would say I got a pretty pure experience of the game without the influence or bias of anyone or anything. I did not feel the need to replay the game or try the multiplayer so that was the end of my experience with the game.

 

Over the past month, I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts, especially video game podcasts. I caught up on the Indoor Kids and found out about HAWPcast which was something right up my alley. HAWP stands for Hey Ash Watcha Playin’. Ashly Burch is the voice of Tiny Tina in Borderlands 2, my favourite character in one of my favourite games. Her brother, Anthony Burch, is the writer for Borderlands 2. Together, they have a podcast, HAWPcast, and I couldn’t wait to hear them talk for hours and hours. I was actually really surprised at how low the sound quality was for their podcast but I chose to bear with it and was still able to enjoy it very much. They often talk about the influence of media on females and feminism which brought a lot of interesting thoughts and ideas. There was one episode where they cried as they talked about how grateful they were to have their group of friends who are basically their family. It saddens me that I don’t have that kind of relationship with anyone but it was still a very touching and enjoyable listen.

 

I am now listening to DLC podcast from Penny Arcade and just caught up to the point where they’re praising The Last Of Us. This sealed the deal for me and made me decide I really want to replay the game. I think I can actually enjoy the game more this time around knowing how good it is and knowing how epicly good the game was for other gamers. It’s odd, but I think just knowing how much others have enjoyed the game is going to make me enjoy it more.. To top off how easily influenced I am, as an admittedly shameful player of Candy Crush, hearing the DLC podcast make fun of Candy Crush gave me the urge to play it. Just the fact that I’m hearing it get mentioned made me want to play a couple games.

 

I think I’ll end this entry here. I have no idea if there was any point to what I just wrote but I hope it was not a complete waste of your time. I’ll probably write another entry on The Last Of Us after I finish replaying it in a couple days. Oh, and I just signed on to co-design a mobile game. I’ll talk more about it some time. I think tomorrow I’m going to write my thoughts on Shadow of Mordor.

Night of Nudity

The night started off with me being bored and looking through craigslist. I found an ad of a photographer that wants to take nude pics and he’ll pay $25 (basically to cover transportation) and he can send over a copy of the photos. Yes, such sketchiness with so little info and yet I accepted it and went to the studio. I was pretty bored with my stagnant life and figured I’d do something wild and risky. If something bad were to happen, at least I’d feel something. I believe that’s the wrist cutter’s mentality. Although I’m not really just doing it to feel something. I figure if something really bad were to happen to me I’d appreciate my life more. At the same time, it’s not like I’m asking for it. I don’t wish for something bad to happen. It’s just that I was aware of the risk and what I’m putting on the line for it. In this case, it would be my rape cherry.

 

I picked a bad time to drive downtown and after I got down there, I continued to hate driving downtown because it’s so much more hectic than uptown. Apparently there was a basketball game tonight and the first parking lot I chose had jacked up prices. I decided to drive a little farther for a cheaper park. The jacked up rate was $20 for the night. I was expecting $10 which is still pricey. When I got back in my car, a guy approached me. He gave a speech about how he was homeless and that he was trying to learn computers to get his life straight but he was hungry and wanted some money. Out of the kindness of my heart, I decided to give him $2 to get a hotdog. He said hotdogs cost $3 so I gave him another dollar. If I were really kind, I probably should’ve given him more but at least it was better than nothing. I never know if these people asking for money is for real or if it’s just a scam. Either way, it was just a couple bucks; I’ve been wasting way more than that lately anyway.

 

After driving around a bit, I found parking at a children’s hospital for $7. I wasn’t aware that I was parking in the hospital when I was parking the car but it was fine. Finally, I met up with the photographer and began my shoot. You know the brief bit of information I gave you about this whole photoshoot? That’s literally all the information I have on it. I didn’t do any background checking or anything. Anything could’ve happened to me.

 

I entered the sketchy building and into his tiny studio. He tried to make me feel at ease with some small talk but I don’t really care for small talk. We started off taking clothed pictures. As he asked me to remove each article of clothing, I wondered if I was going to get raped. After a couple nude shots, he asked me to shave my pubic hair. He had a razor there for me to use. I had never shaved down there before and I started shaving lousily. Eventually, I let the guy shave me. It wasn’t forceful or anything, but yes, that happened. The rest of the shoot was pretty straight forward and I got my $25. I live about an hour away from downtown and since I drove all that way, I decided to wander the streets aimlessly for a bit.

 

After walking in and out of a few shops without doing anything, barely even browsing, I stumbled upon Zanzibar, a strip club. The name actually caught my attention first. The reason I noticed it was because I’ve edited a book for a psychic and he mentions the Zanzibar a lot from his childhood stories. Back then, it was a jazz club. I learned a bit of the history from talking to the strippers. I actually wasn’t too eager to go to a strip club but I figured I was just going to go home anyway so I might as well drop in and take a gander. The door said no cover charge. As a cheap person, that intrigued me. I sat down and it didn’t take long for a waitress to ask for my orders. I didn’t want anything but she told me it’s a one drink minimum and the drinks start at $7. I really didn’t feel like I needed to see live boobs so I walked out to decide whether I want to sit in a strip club for $7. After wandering around the streets a bit more, I figure heck, $7 isn’t too bad. I need to live a little. Plus, I spent way waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more money on my ex-girlfriend, which as her title implies, didn’t work out. Being depressed and having wasted a lot more money on things recently, I’m now a little more loose with my money… until I run out of the cash lying around in my house which shouldn’t take long if I start spending it.

 

Once I decided to re-enter the strip club, the first thing I did was go downstairs to the washroom. I saw an attendant in there and it caught me by surprise. I contemplated whether I should just turn back instantly but I didn’t want to do anything suspicious so I decided to just wash my hands instead. The guy gave me soap and a towel which I didn’t like because I knew where it was going. I tried not to tip because I just washed my hands and I honestly didn’t even need to. The guy seemed a bit angered by it so I just tipped him a dollar to prevent from making a scene. Next time, I should turn around and leave as soon as I see an attendant. I didn’t even pee…

 

After that washroom fiasco, I took a seat and tried to enjoy the show. I was already somewhat aware of the nature of strip clubs – the way strippers try to sell you on dances which are costly and measured by songs. It actually isn’t too costly but a song isn’t very long. Strippers approached me and tried to give me a dance. I asked them how much it costs. It costs $20 cover to get a private room and then it’s $20 per song. I was willing to part with $20 but $40 right off the bat seems a bit steep for me. I turned down several strippers. I starting to feel proud of myself for the restraint I was exercising. Honestly, I quite enjoy the part where they approach me and feign interest in me. Fake or not, it’s still nice to have someone act like they want my attention. If I were a dick, I could actually enjoy myself without spending money by fishing them along for several minutes before finally declining the dance. I don’t intend to waste their time so I let them know very early on that I’m not planning to spend much money tonight.

 

One stripper tried pretty hard to sell me the dance. I let her know early on it’s too pricey for me and I’d need to think about it more but she kept trying so I let her. We made a bit of a small talk. Of course, she then insisted on a dance again and when I said no to that last offer, she immediately ignored me. I actually wanted to ask one more question to wrap up our conversation but she didn’t care anymore. The immediacy of her ignorance felt pretty bad. She was actually pretty close to making the sale with me but not anymore.

 

As more strippers approached me, I decided to ask one to just cuddle with me a bit without getting a room so I don’t need to pay the cover. I was worth it enough for me. I very much enjoy having someone close to me and touching me. This girl wasn’t as touchy as some of the other ones but it was fine. So we sat for a song and I gave her $20. I was content with that spending. I didn’t plan on spending anymore but then a Romanian woman came along that did a pretty good job. I’m not particularly attracted to Romanians or anything though some people might think so based on a previous post. She just seemed nice enough, attractive enough, and I don’t mind parting with another $20. Sales is hard and I want to give them a sale. This girl was pretty good. I stayed at the table without a private room which mean less intimate touching but I was okay with that. She motorboated me a couple times which was a pleasant surprise. She smelled nice and I asked her what her scent was. I guessed strawberry but she told me it was pomegranate and lemon. It didn’t smell crazy good but it was kind of nice and I asked just to give a compliment and make small talk. Although I repeatedly proclaim my dislike for small talk, I see its uses and importance and I don’t take that away from it. In conclusion, those two girls were nice, lol. $40 was a bit more than I thought I’d spend but it wasn’t too bad.

 

I try to extend my stay downtown as much as possible and had been texting Justin (my friend) to see if he wanted to go to a bar. He happened to have plans with his friends and girlfriend to go to a club so I joined them. After posing nude and getting out of my comfort zone, I thought I’d be able to let myself loose in the club instead of just standing in the corner like I usually do. I wasn’t able to let loose as much as I had hoped but it was better than past times. I literally did nothing in previous club outings so doing more than that isn’t saying much. The problem with approaching girls is that I don’t know what’s step two. I can muster up the effort to approach and say any one line, but after that, I’m not really too interested in reacting, whether it would be dancing or conversing. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to girls, but that’s hard enough on it’s own without deafening music making it an impossibility.

 

When I entered the club, I decided to not use the coat check. My jacket wasn’t fancy or anything so I just left it on a chair and expected it to be there for me by the end of the night. I was aware of the risk but it seemed worth it to me. As a precaution for the worst case scenario, I took all valuables out of my jacket and put them in my jean pockets. I had quite a few things: car keys, wallet, cell phone, gps, and psp. The last two are the biggest and most people wouldn’t carry with them but I did. My jeans had big enough pockets that it fit in fairly comfortably so that wasn’t a problem. After dancing for about an hour, I decided to check on my jacket and it was gone. The coat check was only $3 but I decided to gamble and lost. Oh well. I wasn’t too attached to that jacket anyway.

 

To sum up, I spent quite a bit of money tonight. Roughly $10 of gas I’d say, $3 to beggar, $7 parking, $1 washroom attendant, $7 strip club drink, $40 lap dances, $10 club cover fee, totaling $78 and my jacket. I earned $25 in the process so that makes it $53 and my jacket.  Is it worth it? I’m choosing not to think about it too much. The sum itself isn’t too big a deal if I had fun but I can’t really say I had a lot of fun. I tried to make the most out of the night but it’s not exactly more fun than a night in playing video games which costs virtually nothing.


I’ll end this entry with a joke. When I told another friend about my nude posing gig for $25, she joked that I was overpaid. Kudos to her. I thought it was pretty funny.