Shitless Thoughts

After writing a few entries without using a random word generator, it feels like a step back to use it again. Still, it’s better to use that and write something than not writing anything at all. It’s not that I haven’t had any of my own thoughts in the past day but the topics don’t feel rich enough to blog about. It’s not like I’m going to write about what I thought about every time I took a shit. …Actually, I did that at one point and people apparently enjoyed that quite a bit. I had more readers then than any other time lol. I actually come up with some of my most interesting thoughts while sitting on the can. It’s one of few times I can sit and think to myself without any electronic devices around. Silly as it may sound, the shitter is an awesome place to get lost in deep thoughts. But my shits have been too quick lately. Who knew that having a healthy bowel would be detrimental to being an interesting blogger. I could just write about my day; anything could be made interesting. But I’m going with the random words because interesting mundane things are probably not as good as interesting varied topics. …”Interesting” may be too strong a word.

 

Okay, first word is strickle. A strickle was originally a blunt rod used to level off heaps of grain so that they can be properly measured. Gradually, that word gets used for a number of other tools that has the features of a blunt rod. And now, in modern gadget-driven society, that word isn’t used at all. Who’s even heard of the word strickle? I know I haven’t. If that word were more commonplace, it would surely be eventually added to the multitude of euphemisms for penis. I wonder if the verb would make it into sex though. Strickling is more of a combing motion, and as far as I know, people don’t horizontally comb pussies with their dicks as part of foreplay. Let’s try envisioning it: A man behind a woman, holding up one of her legs and tilting her to the side a little, demonstrating ample strength and control. Forming a perpendicular “T” with the entrance of the vagina, he combs his hard dick along the outside. With every stroke, it feels like he may be about to enter her and she gasps in anticipation of the good feelings to come. Sounds like it could be a good tease if it’s done right. By expanding our verbal vernacular, we would also expand our sexual vernacular.

 

Next word is familyish. Funny that that’s the word we get after I just turned the last one into a sex word. Sex is a pretty familyish activity. It’s necessary in order to start a family but then it’s taboo for it to take place within the family thereafter. Even with the parents, they have to secretly do it behind the children’s backs, not literally right behind them of course. Incest is an interesting topic and it feels taboo to even call it interesting. First off, anything non consensual or reproductive is objectively bad, but I think there could be argument to be made for recreational incest. If you look around at certain corners of the internet, those are tons of these stories, especially between cousins. It’s easy to judge others if you haven’t been put into the situation where you have a sexy person seducing you who also happens to be your cousin. Under certain circumstances, when you don’t have easy access to sex and you really want it (maybe because you’re a horny teenager still living with parents) and then you’re presented with alone time with another person who also wants it bad, you can’t really blame them for doing it, as long as they stay safe. I’m not trying to justify my past or anything. I haven’t been blessed with any sexy sisters or cousins so I’ve never done anything of the like. Maybe I am trying to justify my thoughts though since I did just used the word “blessed” in the last sentence.

 

The next word is schorl. A schorl is a type of tourmaline that is black and rich in iron. Now the next question is, what the fuck is a tourmaline? I’m learning two words here, two for one deal. Is there a word for having to look up a word within the definition of another word? Maybe that’s just called stupid, meta-stupid, lol. I could regurgitate the composition of tourmaline but basically it’s just a pretty rock and it’s much more interesting to see it than read about it, so here you go:

Tourmaline

Tourmaline

 

I wonder if anyone ever used the word schorl metaphorically to describe a black person within a group. It might be possible that everyone open-minded enough to know a word like this aren’t racists so they won’t use the word like I just did. Come on, there has to be racist jewellers out there, right? Not that I’m encouraging racism or anything, but I also don’t believe that everything racey is racist. I’m sure plenty of people have written about that already.

 

Next word is synonymized. That is an awesome word. I love seeing words in new forms I haven’t seen before. It’s like seeing a pokemon evolve that you didn’t know could evolve. Unfortunately, it’s not a very useful word. Still sounds cool though. I’m trying to think of even one example I could use that word and it’s tough. Merging is a more appropriate word in most cases and in a society where we’re discouraged from generalizing and stereotyping things, that leaves less room for me to synonymize. I want to be a synonymist, just for the title. Actually, I think I might be doing that already. I find out all these uncommon words and I find more common words that are synonymous. Yay, I’m a synonymist. I’m pretty sure I know what that means based on the root word, but sometimes a word could mean something I completely did not expect.

 

Unexpected word definitions lead to funny stories. I know a guy who once thought “obese” just meant chubby and that fat was a more insulting term. I corrected him. Can you imagine all the times he may have accidentally called someone obese? “No no, you’re not fat at all, you’re just obese, mom.” I have a way more embarrassing story than that. I’m not saying I’m not fat, but I’m also “big-boned”. I’ve got pretty dense bones and muscles so my BMI misrepresents me. Nobody called me fat or anything, but one day I randomly decided to call myself dense. When you call someone dense, it means they’re stupid. I was not fully aware of that. So I basically went around, stupidly calling myself stupid without even knowing it. It was autological behaviour. There, I used a new word I learned in a previous entry =D.

 

Last word is reflectingly. I always reflect on what I just wrote and now I have excuse to talk about it. I always talk about it anyway, but now I have an excuse too. The last few times I did these random word entries, I felt that I was unable to use the words as jumping off points for fun stories. I think this entry turned out pretty good so I like these random words again. I need better titles though. This one really sucked. Anyway, it’s been fun writing this and I hope you enjoyed reading it!

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Mercy, Dream

I know I’ve had this thought before but I don’t think I wrote about it on the blog. I don’t like to be repetitive so I hope I didn’t. If I did, it would have been a long time ago anyway.

 

I’ve read that within an 8 hour sleep, we go through 3 or 4 REM cycles which is where the dreams occur. I’ve also read that we can only remember dreams if we wake up in the middle of them. Thereby, unless you’re waking up multiple times a night, you only remember one dream at most and the rest are completely forgotten before you wake up.

 

Assuming all of that is true, what is the right thing to do when you see someone suffering in their sleep? If you wake them up to end the suffering, they’ll remember what happened. If you let them suffer, at least there’s a decent chance that they’ll forget all about it by the time they wake up.

Clash Of The Ti -ny Personalities

I want to expand on the personality clashes I mentioned in the last post. I mentioned that I didn’t have many shared interests with that girl. I’ve always been on the receiving end of that and it’s a real bummer to hear. I was ashamed of even thinking of saying the same thing because it’s not exactly truthful. In 99% of the cases, there are at least some shared interests. The real truth is just that the other person is less than you expected, usually because you have expectations that are too high. At least that was the case for me. Lack of shared interest, much like looks, does not need to be the be-all and end-all of things. Take me and my ex-girlfriend for example. We had a profound lack of shared interests. Every interaction, we found we have less in common. Sure it didn’t work out but it was still able to last a while because I put in the effort. If I were more crass, I could say I got everything out of her that I needed. …I just said it so I’m already that crass; I didn’t need to be snobby about it as well.

 

Above all, the thing that didn’t work out the most is language and communication. As a purveyor of words, language is very important to me. Whether it’s a love interest or just a guy friend, I need the other person to have an appreciation of the language and be comfortable with it. This does not mean that all my friends need to be patronizing multi-syllabic superficial word whores. They don’t even need to be active readers. Heck, I’m not. I rarely tell people to read my blog because I don’t want to be a nuisance. But when I do, there are people who cower at the wall of text, and people who enjoy, appreciate, and even get inspired by them. People may even get turned on, if I will it. Some of my best friends can’t differentiate “then” and “than” if their balls depended on it. But they still respect good writing when they see it.

 

The girl last night did not possess the language proficiency that I desire. Her English is fine, but there’s still just too many errors all the time and it does not feel comfortable for her. Her English is probably above average for an ESL person, but the lack of interest and appreciation for my work loses her a few points. This reminds me of the last season of Louie where he pursued a love interest who didn’t speak a lick of English. He toured the city and went on dates with her, all the while not being able to understand each other. I could never do that.

Charity Dating

Even without the dickish title, there’s nothing I can say that won’t sound bad. I’m going to try to pour all my thoughts in this blog entry. There will be some horrible thoughts that’s better left unsaid, unwritten. In fact, most of this will be horrible…

 

So… I went on a date tonight. This was not a sexy hot date. I sort of went on the date out of sympathy. I had been warned not to date someone out of sympathy and perhaps I should have heeded that advice. I’d like to think I’m a fairly attractive person, especially since I started working out again and getting back my hot bod, lol. I’m sort of kidding of course. It’s hard to know for sure whether I’m good looking or not because I’m obviously biased and you never know when people are just being polite when they tell me that. I have my doubts because it’s not like girls throw themselves at me but nobody ever seemed repulsed by me either so there’s that. All we can say for sure is that… I’m very self-absorbed…. I’ve been talking about myself for a while now.

 

As for the girl I saw tonight, we wouldn’t even throw the term “attractiveness” around. She has very visible deformities and she was nice enough to warn me about it ahead of time instead of surprising me with it. And I was “nice” enough to… be nice about it…. I may actually be doing a bad thing by accidentally stringing her along. That wouldn’t be nice. I don’t want to seem like a shallow person so I say that looks isn’t the most important thing. It’s a nice bonus, but personality counts more. I was certainly put to the test tonight.

 

This next section is going to make me sound bad, especially because I’m not even trying to be mean, which makes it worse. I’m going to describe her looks a little. When I first saw her pictures, I thought she sort of looked like a classic rendering of an extraterrestrial alien. I get scared of ghosts and aliens easily. If you show me even a kid’s drawing of an alien, I’m going to feel fear and paranoia for the next little while, and possibly have trouble sleeping. In fact, I even get scared of the words “ghosts and aliens” because they trigger thoughts. I’m getting a little scared right now even though I’m the one using those words. I’m trying to overlook appearances but if I’m going to have nightmares, it’s not going to work out. I’m not exaggerating. She’s done a few background acting jobs and they’ve used her for sci-fi shows and medical patients in pain.

 

Next up is one of many horrible thoughts to come. After hearing her talk about how thrifty she is with money and how she visits the food bank, I realized she didn’t dress sharply either and could pass as a homeless person. She has dark markings all over her skin which someone might think is dirt on a homeless person. I am also very thrifty and don’t dress sharply so I’m not judging that at all. Thing is, you never see a beautiful homeless person. The fairy-tale explanation is that beautiful people will find a way to be taken care of and live cush lives. The dark reality is that if there ever was a beautiful homeless person, it won’t take long until they get raped or killed or both.

 

Prior to the date, I had time to organize my thoughts and I should’ve ended things before they started. But I procrastinated… Then she texted me saying that she was feeling lonely and depressed and wanted to go see a movie with me. I know what it’s like to feel lonely and depressed and since I was able to help, I decided to take her out and give her a chance. Who knows, I might be surprised and actually enjoy her personality. …I did not enjoy her personality. It wasn’t bad and she was nice, but we just didn’t click. To be fair, I started feeling that way even before seeing the pictures. One of the first things she did was tease me that my iphone 3 is old and urging me to get a new phone. Teasing is fine, but she said (jokingly? half-jokingly?): “Why don’t you just get a new phone?” which has the subtext of “what is wrong with you?” By comparison, the last girl I saw (who doesn’t even want a relationship with me) found novelty value in my even older Nokia brick phone. The girl tonight has no interest in gaming, the games I’ve made, comedy I’m involved in, and my blog. Most people don’t care and I’ve learned not to expect people to care. Once again, comparing to the last girl, she was actually interested in everything I’ve done. She checked them all out and enjoyed them (because they’re great, lol, just kidding… half kidding). In fact, she’s probably reading this right now. Howdy. She hasn’t seen the comedy stuff yet but she’ll probably like those too since she likes my sense of humour. It’s good to have someone like that in your life, who actually appreciate your work. Umm… I didn’t mean for this to turn into a comparison fest and then into a letter of appreciation. Moving on…

 

Back to the “charity date”, how can I tell a person, who only has her personality to offer, that I did not enjoy it? Well, that’s easy, but how can I do it without feeling bad afterwards? I feel like a coward for not saying anything sooner and still haven’t said anything yet. The longer I wait, the worse it’s going to be. She tells me that she likes me. How can she not? I was very nice and I’m already such a likeable person ;). I imagine she doesn’t have many dating options so it’s easy for her to fixate on someone really quickly. I’ve done the same thing in the past. If I learned to talk smoothly to strangers and date properly, I’d probably do okay. But I’m not into that kind of lifestyle so I haven’t pursued it. Now I’m started to get an idea of what kind of pressure I’ve been putting on the girls in my past. It’s a tough situation and it’s tough to let people down, so I sincerely apologize for that behaviour. I’ve never had to let someone down before. It’s hard. I have to steel myself for it or it’s not going to work. Girls have to do it all the time. Must be tough.

 

Did I even do a charity tonight or am I just about to hurt someone really bad? I did pay for everything so at least that part was charitable. No date ever took me out and paid for everything and if girls wanted to throw me a bone every so often, I would feel bad to complain about it. The girl tonight had a tough life and I can see how it’s hard for her personality to fully develop. It’s almost impossible not to react to her condition. People either avoid her or act extra nice around her. I’m guilty of the latter too. I probably shouldn’t have done this “charity” though. I’m not a fan of charities. I’m not saying they’re bad, but they get very problematic. The thing is, there is no end to suffering, starving, unfortunate people. Once you get involved, you realize how much problem there really is and how powerless you are to effect any big changes. It’s a perfect example for how ignorance is bliss.

 

I was able to learn a lot about myself tonight. I learned some empathy and my humanity (or maybe the lack thereof). I feel like there’s lots of room to learn a lot more too. But I’m not eager to learn. I’ve never been eager to learn things.

 

I know I always ask for comments but this time I need it more than ever. If you don’t think I’m a horrible person, please please please let me know. If you do think I’m horrible, you can leave a comment too but I’m not begging for those, lol.

Persistent Preoccupying Ponders

Here I go with the words again. The first one is preimport. … I don’t know what I’m doing with these words. I don’t really feel like blogging right now and I was going to just blaze through the 5 words, get snippy with them and just post a short little entry like that. But then I remember my post a couple hours ago about half-assing stuff and I don’t want to seem like a bullshitter so I’m going to try to suck it up and write a half decent entry on these words. Preimporting should be when one anticipates that something needs to be imported, and they import it ahead of time. This term can only be used relatively. When the guy is preimporting something, during the the act, he’s just importing. If you tell someone you’re preimporting something, it’s like you’re begging them to ask you what you’re preimporting it for. When I feel like a stranger wants me to ask them something, I sometimes make an effort not to ask it. Just now, I was trying to think about why I do that and I can’t think of a reason that doesn’t make me sound like a dick.

 

Next word is brackened. A bracken is a large fern so being brackened would be being covered with a large fern I guess? Ferns make me think of Between Two Ferns. In the definition, it says that a brake means fern but when I look up brake, I only get the definition we’re all familiar with – the car brakes. This confuses me. I’ve been confused all day. There’s this girl and I thought we were having a great time together but then she suddenly doesn’t want to see me at all and doesn’t give me a good reason for it. She doesn’t owe me a reason but I really have no idea what went wrong. At the end of the day, I guess if she doesn’t want to see me, there’s no point in trying to get a reason out of her. I’m going to do my best not to relate every word back to this but maybe that’s what’s going to happen. I don’t know yet.

 

Next word is incriminate. Incriminate, that reminds me of when I told the girl that… – just kidding, I’m not actually bringing it back to that. The first thing that comes to mind is Charlie Day’s character in Horrible Bosses. The character is a registered sex offender because he peed in a school yard while there were kids there. When I first met the girl, we watched Horrible Bosses 1 and Horrible Bosses 2 together so I guess every word is reminding me of her after all. I don’t think I should keep mentioning her. I think maybe one of the reasons she doesn’t want to see me is because I’m too obsessive. I sort of am, but sort of not. I’d like to think I’m obsessive in a good way, because I’m willing to give it my all. I don’t think I’m obsessive in the bad way because I don’t expect full reciprocation and I don’t get angry.

 

Anyway, moving on, the next word is deficiently. Well, how can I not relate that to all this girl talk? lol. Let me broaden it some more. I feel like I exist deficiently. I really don’t get it. I’m pretty sure I perform great and I feel like people have a great time with me but no one really feels like they need to see me again. Are they all just pretending to have a good time when I’m around? Am I really so unneeded by everyone? No matter what the explanation is, there seems to be something missing, something deficient. …I’m staring at the soda and snacks on my desk and it occurred to me that I’m probably pretty nutrient deficient too.

 

Last word is hayward. That’s an old term used to describe a man who was in charge of fences and enclosures. That word reminds me of a song in Rock Band called Wayward Son or something. I don’t really know what wayward means… let me look it up. … I thought that word meant lost or missing a sense of direction but it turns out that it means uncontrollable pervert. It’s weird when words mean something totally different than what I expect. I may have accidentally described myself as wayward in the past, lol…

Eggs In A Basket

When I do things, I don’t like to do them half-assedly. I want to go full ass. The expression “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is true under one axiom: if you can’t afford to lose your eggs. In real life, eggs (or whatever they are a metaphor for) would not end your life even if you broke them all. They’re just eggs. Go buy more. We shouldn’t be expecting the eggs to go wrong in one basket either. Reinforce the basket to ensure nothing goes wrong. Plus, carrying multiple baskets will increase your chances of screwing up.

 

I’ve had this next thought for a while now. You know the old news about when Justin Beiber totalled his car? I was thinking about that and want to use it as an example, and defend him in my example. First off, I want to be clear that I don’t like the guy. I don’t feel strongly about it, but he’s just easy to dislike. I feel mostly neutral about him but if I had to pick a side, I would easily pick the hater side. Anyway, I don’t know any detail about that news but I can imagine hypothetically, in a similar situation, a guy could be a little reckless but might not necessary fuck things up. It’s very possible that there were people nagging him and telling him to be less reckless, which ticked him off, occupied his mind, and is what tipped over the recklessness to actually cause an incident. Basically, I’m saying that there are times where nagger are the cause of problems so don’t nag. Don’t be annoying. If things are bad, nagging makes it worse, not better.

 

Lastly, I’m going to write about my dream last night. I was listening to podcasts when I went to bed and fell asleep while listening to the Nerdist podcast with Metallica as the guest. Then in my dream, I was part of the band and I was driving them around. I don’t know how they look like but I was basically just hanging out with 5 “cool” dudes in the dream. I don’t even know how many people are in the band. Anyway, in the dream, I drove them around in a Volkswagen Beetle and the thought kept crossing my mind that it was an unmanly car. It’s not that I even like that car or anything but that’s just what happened in my dream. I had weird anxious feelings that they might make fun of me for my car choice but then the drive worked out and I felt relieved that I picked a car that worked. Not sure why there was the idea that another car might not have worked. Then the dream moved on to us staying at a place and as we were leaving, I looked in the closet and it had some of the same clothes as my closet. That was odd. Was it my closet? I took a look at the other clothes and it was not my closet but there were surprisingly some of the same clothes. I thought I should take them with me since they were “my clothes” and then a pacman ghost floated into the closet. I felt fear and the place now seems haunted. I put the clothes back and woke up. I’m sure all this dream talk made no sense at all. They sound like they might be emulating some deep seeded emotions or something but beyond that, it didn’t make much sense and I really don’t think I did a good job describing it. I had those dreams in my first sleep that I woke up from at 2am. Maybe I could’ve done a better job if I wrote about it then but I chose to sleep instead. Hopefully my next dream entry will make more sense than this.

Dreaming Of Virginity

Jcckeith suggested I write an entry about dreams. In preparation for that, I searched my blog on everything I’ve written about dreams and read those entries. I gotta say, I enjoyed reading it more than I thought I would and had a few good laughs. I used to make a lot of jokes around the fact that I was a virgin and it made me think that I was funnier when I was a virgin. It makes me wish I was a virgin again if that somehow made me funnier.

 

… I’ve been getting some texts that I’m not happy to see so I’m a little bummed out right now…. I’ll try to wrap up this entry with a dream story. Not sure if it’ll be any good though…

 

It’s hard to remember old dreams in detail. There’s only one I remember at the moment so I’m going to write about that. In the dream, I was in a gym locker room with a bunch of naked guys and I started looking at their penises and was happy that mine wasn’t the smallest. I’ve never done that in real life and if I did, I might not see the same results. Until that dream, I’ve never dreamt of penises. Don’t try to suggest something’s there. It was nothing. This dream happened the day before I went on a first “date” with a girl. It wasn’t really a date but let’s just call it that for convenience sake. Telling the dream wasn’t as funny as I thought it’d be. It didn’t fall flat, but it was definitely more weird than funny. Nothing ever happened with that girl. I’m pretty sure my penis dream story wasn’t the reason for that, but it certainly didn’t help.