Learning People’s Tempers (Comment Greatly Appreciated)

I really want some feedback on this. I have a theory but it’s quite a condescending one so assuming I might be in the wrong, I really want to know why so I can learn from it.

 

So I was talking to this girl and we actually kicked it off pretty well. Turns out we live on the same street and knew a lot of the same people growing up so it felt like there’s a history or connection or something even though we only barely knew of the people in common so the history doesn’t actually play any particularly big role in all this.

 

I chatted with her for a couple days and all seemed well at first. I think it was about 3 days in when we had a phone chat. The phone chat was okay but not great. I asked about past relationships and she cried a bit while retelling the most recent tale. I tried to be nice and let her know that she didn’t have to talk about it if it’s hard but she carried on and finished her story. There was talk about sex – about our history with sex. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned my experience with prostitution but I did because I’m honest to a dumbass fault. It seemed to have stained her impression of me as dating material, but I don’t think there was anything negative as a human being during that conversation.

 

Since then, she seemed less interested in the conversations, understandably so. But she would still start a conversation every so often. She was working away from home and only came home on the weekends. She’s really busy which made meeting a little hard. After 2 weeks, we finally met up for a walk and talk yesterday.

 

By this point, I feel like she all but lost interest already. I would often ask questions that gets completely ignored. I chalked it up as her being busy since she really was busy. She would respond and at least courteously inform me she’s busy, but there are chunks of conversations she seems to completely ignore.

 

The walk was okay, again, not great. And from the follow up conversation, it seemed like that’s pretty much it and she’s not interested.

 

Early on, I had already casually opened up the discussion of whether or not we see each other as dating material. She wanted it to just be casual at first, maybe at a friend level or something, and I was fine with that. I brought that up to mention that I’ve opened up the conversation. So today, she informs me that I’m probably not dating material for her and that we could still be friends and whatnot. You know, the same old lines. She ended by saying I could always talk to her if I want someone to talk to.

 

I will start quoting the conversation at this point. I tried to sum up everything up until now but the wording from this point might begin to matter.

 

Her: anyway. yea. if you ever just wanna chat or anything, I’m always around 🙂

 

Me: sure, but you’re also always super busy so…
lol

 

Her: lol one thing about me. my family and friends I put above all in my life.

even if I’m busy. I try to make time.

 

Me: And apparently I’m not family nor friend so that leaves me with nothing. I’ve always shown that I always want to talk but, especially the last few times, you’ve been a lot less respondent.

I don’t know if you say the “if you want to talk” thing just purely as a polite thing or if you mean it. I know I’ve been guilty of saying it and thinking I mean it but looking back and analyzing it closely, not really.

 

Her: lol. well that is truly your loss then. your small talk isn’t exactly the easiest to follow…and not to mention I am studying for exams and working.

sometimes its hard to follow.

but to be honest, if this is how you make everyone feel, I now see why it is hard to keep longterm friendships

so I’m sorry ted. maybe you’re right. even friendship isn’t an option because friends don’t say shit like that and they try to at least be understanding of a situation

and you’re right I have no obligation to you. I did it because I was genuinely trying to be nice and get to know you

and whatever I do know about you tells me you’re not my kind of person.

 

I tried to keep this as unbiased as possible without over telling my side of the story.

 

Sure, that last thing i said wasn’t the greatest but I felt like she jumped in and became way too angry and defensive and offensive. There was no point in advancing the conversation with her any further so I just apologized for being passive aggressive and left it at that.

 

My question to you is: was my response really that bad? If anyone’s interested, I’ll happily provide more background info. I wanted to keep this first post a little shorter.

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4 thoughts on “Learning People’s Tempers (Comment Greatly Appreciated)

  1. It wasn’t a great response, no, but honestly, once you cross that “Wait, I actually don’t want to interact with this person after all” threshold, say whatever makes you feel better.

    I feel like you saying after passing that threshold is what pushed her past the same threshold, which is why she gave you the response she did.

    Now I don’t know how you actually feel about this person, but the vibe I get from reading this post (keep in mind, that’s literally all of the context I have) makes me think that you’re not actually interested in this particular girl, and that you’re actually interested in any girl in general. Now, that’s fine on some level, but I think that girls… well, no. I think that people can kind of pick up on that.

    I’ve had my fair share of conversations that read similarly to that, and I can tell you that almost every time that it’s happened, I didn’t have any actual feelings for that girl in particular, I just wanted affection from someone.

    I feel like I need to reiterate the fact that I have very limited context for this scenario and am mostly projecting my own personal experiences onto the situation. I just know that conversations like that rarely happened between myself and someone I had legitimate feelings for; those fights were always much more… personal.

    I do also think that her reaction was totally normal and to be expected, and she’s probably not a bad person or anything for behaving the way she is. She has every right to not be interested in you, and while she could have (obviously) handled the situation better, handling these kinds of situations with grace and empathy is a pretty damn high expectation to have for a person. The kind of people that are capable of doing that are the kinds of people that are especially worth being around, and there really aren’t a lot of those.

    • Thanks for the response! Hmm, I guess I did pass that threshold a bit but not really. There were plenty of nasty things I could’ve said but I didn’t say any of them. I wasn’t out to hurt her feelings. I guess my next question is, was what I said really hurtful? I didn’t put myself above the situation and if it wasn’t true, she could’ve easily just said that. I was calling her out on bs basically but it wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t spewing bs lol.

      You’re right about the just being interested in girls in general thing. The problem is, no girls, her included, has done anything (that I can see) that would warrant anyone to like them. She’s completely taken on a passive role in the conversations. There was nothing to be liked.

      You think her reaction was normal and not over reacting? I guess I’m still missing the part where I’m THAT wrong. The more I read it, I get more of a sense that I was more wrong than I thought but still not THAT wrong. Remember, the way I isolated the conversation did not do me any justice at all and I purposefully did that. But with the context given, I always talk to her and she’s been responding less and less.

      I guess it’s kind of hard for me to relate because I don’t tend to bs much and the few times someone point me out to them, I actually enjoy it cause it opens my mind to it. If I do bs, it’s usually accidental and I appreciate having it pointed out. Now that I’m putting it this way though, I guess I do know that most people don’t necessarily like having their bs pointed out.

      You said her response is to be expected. I honestly did not anticipate such a big reaction from her at all. Can you help me narrow down which thing I said was the most irksome?

      • Okay, so my answer is going to be a little off-putting, but it’s based on how I view humanity as a whole, which is an extremely cynical view.

        I just don’t think that most people are really capable of handling criticism aimed towards either who they are or how they’ve been acting. Most people want to believe that they are inherently good people and make the right choices. When presented with a person who believes otherwise, it is far easier for them to assume that the person criticising them is in the wrong, rather than look inwardly at themselves. This is probably why she took s much offense to what you said.

        That, and the fact of the matter is that what you said probably didn’t need to be said. Yeah, you were calling her on her BS, but sometimes, I’ve found it’s better to just let that sort of thing go. Calling people out generally doesn’t solve any problems, it just makes the other person feel bad and you feel worse. That’s just what I’ve found from my own personal experience, take it how you will.

        Also, finding people who genuinely interest you isnt easy. I’ve come across -maybe- three and a half people in my entire life who I was interested in enough that I would truly enjoy just hanging out with them with no romantic anything involved. And yeah, I’m including friends in that number. I’ve found that most people, guys and girls, just aren’t that interesting, period. So yeah, it’s tough to find a girl who I have genuine romantic feelings for, because it’s tough to find -anyone- that I’m interested in being around for extended periods of time. Those people do exist, though. I met one at an intensive outpatient program I was in after getting out of the hospital. She wasn’t the type of girl that I usually chased after, but she legitimately interested me and I liked being around her enough that it didn’t even bother me that we weren’t romantically involved.

        Okay, after all of that meandering, I think I’ve finally figured out what the hell I’m actually trying to say: You’ll know you’ve found someone you actually like when the status of your relationship doesn’t bother you anymore. I have no idea if that makes any sense, or if it’s even relevant, but there’s my (long-winded) feelings on that subject.

        Also, to finish this long-ass comment off, when I say that her response was to be expected, I don’t exactly mean that it’s because you said something incredibly terrible. Like, you were a little mean and rude, but I don’t really think that’s why she responded like that. She’s probably been feeling negative emotions about you for a while now (which she previously expressed by blowing you off) and took what you said as an opportunity to -actually- express those feelings. I never said she wasn’t overreacting, she probably was, but I still think her response was to be expected in (what little I have context of) this exchange.

        • Yeah, makes sense. Sad thing is, when I said what I said, I didn’t even say it with any ill will at all. I just don’t like being boring and look for any opportunity to say anything that might trigger interesting conversation – at least more interesting than small talk. I actually said it thinking it make spawn interesting-ish conversation or filter out someone who’ll never get me. I guess I got the latter.

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