Even without the dickish title, there’s nothing I can say that won’t sound bad. I’m going to try to pour all my thoughts in this blog entry. There will be some horrible thoughts that’s better left unsaid, unwritten. In fact, most of this will be horrible…
So… I went on a date tonight. This was not a sexy hot date. I sort of went on the date out of sympathy. I had been warned not to date someone out of sympathy and perhaps I should have heeded that advice. I’d like to think I’m a fairly attractive person, especially since I started working out again and getting back my hot bod, lol. I’m sort of kidding of course. It’s hard to know for sure whether I’m good looking or not because I’m obviously biased and you never know when people are just being polite when they tell me that. I have my doubts because it’s not like girls throw themselves at me but nobody ever seemed repulsed by me either so there’s that. All we can say for sure is that… I’m very self-absorbed…. I’ve been talking about myself for a while now.
As for the girl I saw tonight, we wouldn’t even throw the term “attractiveness” around. She has very visible deformities and she was nice enough to warn me about it ahead of time instead of surprising me with it. And I was “nice” enough to… be nice about it…. I may actually be doing a bad thing by accidentally stringing her along. That wouldn’t be nice. I don’t want to seem like a shallow person so I say that looks isn’t the most important thing. It’s a nice bonus, but personality counts more. I was certainly put to the test tonight.
This next section is going to make me sound bad, especially because I’m not even trying to be mean, which makes it worse. I’m going to describe her looks a little. When I first saw her pictures, I thought she sort of looked like a classic rendering of an extraterrestrial alien. I get scared of ghosts and aliens easily. If you show me even a kid’s drawing of an alien, I’m going to feel fear and paranoia for the next little while, and possibly have trouble sleeping. In fact, I even get scared of the words “ghosts and aliens” because they trigger thoughts. I’m getting a little scared right now even though I’m the one using those words. I’m trying to overlook appearances but if I’m going to have nightmares, it’s not going to work out. I’m not exaggerating. She’s done a few background acting jobs and they’ve used her for sci-fi shows and medical patients in pain.
Next up is one of many horrible thoughts to come. After hearing her talk about how thrifty she is with money and how she visits the food bank, I realized she didn’t dress sharply either and could pass as a homeless person. She has dark markings all over her skin which someone might think is dirt on a homeless person. I am also very thrifty and don’t dress sharply so I’m not judging that at all. Thing is, you never see a beautiful homeless person. The fairy-tale explanation is that beautiful people will find a way to be taken care of and live cush lives. The dark reality is that if there ever was a beautiful homeless person, it won’t take long until they get raped or killed or both.
Prior to the date, I had time to organize my thoughts and I should’ve ended things before they started. But I procrastinated… Then she texted me saying that she was feeling lonely and depressed and wanted to go see a movie with me. I know what it’s like to feel lonely and depressed and since I was able to help, I decided to take her out and give her a chance. Who knows, I might be surprised and actually enjoy her personality. …I did not enjoy her personality. It wasn’t bad and she was nice, but we just didn’t click. To be fair, I started feeling that way even before seeing the pictures. One of the first things she did was tease me that my iphone 3 is old and urging me to get a new phone. Teasing is fine, but she said (jokingly? half-jokingly?): “Why don’t you just get a new phone?” which has the subtext of “what is wrong with you?” By comparison, the last girl I saw (who doesn’t even want a relationship with me) found novelty value in my even older Nokia brick phone. The girl tonight has no interest in gaming, the games I’ve made, comedy I’m involved in, and my blog. Most people don’t care and I’ve learned not to expect people to care. Once again, comparing to the last girl, she was actually interested in everything I’ve done. She checked them all out and enjoyed them (because they’re great, lol, just kidding… half kidding). In fact, she’s probably reading this right now. Howdy. She hasn’t seen the comedy stuff yet but she’ll probably like those too since she likes my sense of humour. It’s good to have someone like that in your life, who actually appreciate your work. Umm… I didn’t mean for this to turn into a comparison fest and then into a letter of appreciation. Moving on…
Back to the “charity date”, how can I tell a person, who only has her personality to offer, that I did not enjoy it? Well, that’s easy, but how can I do it without feeling bad afterwards? I feel like a coward for not saying anything sooner and still haven’t said anything yet. The longer I wait, the worse it’s going to be. She tells me that she likes me. How can she not? I was very nice and I’m already such a likeable person ;). I imagine she doesn’t have many dating options so it’s easy for her to fixate on someone really quickly. I’ve done the same thing in the past. If I learned to talk smoothly to strangers and date properly, I’d probably do okay. But I’m not into that kind of lifestyle so I haven’t pursued it. Now I’m started to get an idea of what kind of pressure I’ve been putting on the girls in my past. It’s a tough situation and it’s tough to let people down, so I sincerely apologize for that behaviour. I’ve never had to let someone down before. It’s hard. I have to steel myself for it or it’s not going to work. Girls have to do it all the time. Must be tough.
Did I even do a charity tonight or am I just about to hurt someone really bad? I did pay for everything so at least that part was charitable. No date ever took me out and paid for everything and if girls wanted to throw me a bone every so often, I would feel bad to complain about it. The girl tonight had a tough life and I can see how it’s hard for her personality to fully develop. It’s almost impossible not to react to her condition. People either avoid her or act extra nice around her. I’m guilty of the latter too. I probably shouldn’t have done this “charity” though. I’m not a fan of charities. I’m not saying they’re bad, but they get very problematic. The thing is, there is no end to suffering, starving, unfortunate people. Once you get involved, you realize how much problem there really is and how powerless you are to effect any big changes. It’s a perfect example for how ignorance is bliss.
I was able to learn a lot about myself tonight. I learned some empathy and my humanity (or maybe the lack thereof). I feel like there’s lots of room to learn a lot more too. But I’m not eager to learn. I’ve never been eager to learn things.
I know I always ask for comments but this time I need it more than ever. If you don’t think I’m a horrible person, please please please let me know. If you do think I’m horrible, you can leave a comment too but I’m not begging for those, lol.