Motivation, Where Did You Go?

What the fuck is motivation? Whatever it is, I am severely lacking in it. Many things in my life have been slowly building up to the current perfect fucked up state it is in right now. The false appearance of being relatively healthy on the surface makes things worse. This entry might not make a lot of sense. I don’t know if there’s any order to present my problems that makes it easiest to understand.

 

Motivation to live is important. By default, people would want to avoid as much discomfort as possible. Dying isn’t comfortable so it’s very natural to have a motivation to live, and to live well. Why am I missing that? Depression is a part of it but where the hell did that come from? I know I’m never really depressed when I’m hanging out with friends, but that doesn’t happen very often. People have lives and they’re busy. I always feel like a burden if I try to make plans with people so I end up never really making plans. I also have an aversion to going out and all that shit. I got off track a bit. How did I lose the default desire to be comfortable? Well, part of it is because I’ve been getting used to coping with the discomforts of life. Every life has its sets of discomforts and people need to learn to deal with them. The way I dealt with it in my life is by sheer endurance. After a while, I’ve learned to endure more and more shitty things. I’ve learned to endure hunger. Starvation doesn’t really bother me much. No food? No problem. It’s not that I don’t feel the discomforts of a growling stomach, but I can deal with it very easily. That is not a good thing because it removes my motivation to work for money for food. Plus, being in the first world environment I live in, there’s enough unwanted leftovers for me to get obese off of.

 

I’ve put my endurance to the test. As a self-challenged weight loss regimen, I’ve forced myself to sit in hot baths and sweat like crazy. The water heater isn’t set hot enough so I would boil pots of water and add that to the bath to make it hotter. Often times, it’s too hot to jump in at first. After taking these baths several times a day, everyday for over a week, I was gradually able to get into hotter and hotter water, and enduring the discomfort. One time, my limbs started to get numb. I continued staying in the bath until I started to very numb and something didn’t seem right. I went into the shower to cool down and kept drinking shower water because I was so dehydrated. It took a long time before I started feeling normal again. I’m pretty sure my body was actually dying at that point. It was tough to get in, and stay in, such hot water, but by the time my body was numbing and shutting down, it was actually pretty easy to just stay in the tub until I died… or passed out… or whatever. This sounds like a bullshit exaggerated anecdote but I believe it. If it sounds retarded, it’s probably because I cooked a bunch of brain cells from those baths.

 

Being able to endure death along with the occasional desire to die from depression is not a good combination. Another motivation to work hard and live a successful life is so that other people don’t think you’re a loser. Being a loser sucks. I’ve accidentally removed the aversion of being a loser in my life. In attempts to being funny, I’ve learned to take jokes at my expense. I can identify my own flaws and blow them up for humor. I joke about being a loser way too much. I can do that so easily with my friends because I’ve already proven that I’m not a “real”l loser, whatever that means. I’ve accomplished enough in my life that all my friends acknowledge my intellect. This way, I can freely brag about how I’m being such a failure in life without feeling utterly worthless. Failure has become a choice and a way of life.

 

Then there’s my ingrained cheapness. I’ve been raised not to enjoy spending money and I’m now fully conditioned not to enjoy things. A big part of depression is not being able to enjoy life. I’ve literally been raised to be depressed. A normal person growing up would learn that they need to earn their own money so they can spend it. My blind endurance allowed me to simply not enjoy the things that money can buy so I don’t need to earn money.

 

… I was hoping that writing this would help me discover something about myself but I just feel like more of a loser for how poorly this is written. I could go on but I don’t feel like this is getting anywhere. I’m actually getting paid to make a game right now and I’ve been procrastinating from it forever. fuck fuck fuck. I need to work. I don’t know why I can’t apply my blind endurance to work. It’s fucked up. I currently want to play Path of Exile but I’ve indulged enough that I need to stop. I can apply my endurance to not play the game and attempt to work, but I just end up staring at the screen and not working. Maybe it’s because I have a neverending amount of work. I don’t know. I’m tired of being depressed. I hope I can get some work done after posting this. I gotta…

 

This is not a great version of the game to see, but you can see it at: http://tedgaming.com/skid_row/

 

arrow keys to move, ctrl to attack and Z to change weapon.

Advertisements

69 thoughts on “Motivation, Where Did You Go?

  1. Hey, Ted. What the Hell is going on with you? It sounds like you’re all alone and guessing too much at what to do. STOP!!! If you don’t really KNOW what to do, don’t do anything at all. Any act in a state of confusion only leads to MORE CONFUSION. Just stop, be still, go to sleep. I can help if you’ll listen. You’re not suppose to have it together yet, you’re a teenager, right?! Sleep for awhile and talk to me later. Cheers, Barbara Jean.

    • Thanks for being there Barb. I guess I sound like a teenager huh? I’m actually 24, lol…

      I actually slept like 15 hours on and off last night and just woke up a few hours ago. I’m going to try to get whatever minute amount of work I can do and I’ll take it easy if I start to get frustrated. I’d like to hear your advice. I fear I might just start making up excuses like I always do but I really would appreciate it.

      • Make all the excuses you want, man. I’ll tell you what I think about them. It’s your choice what you do. But I’ll tell you this, motivation comes from doing what you love. I know writing code for games is all the thing, but it sounds like you really hate doing it, so much so, you can’t get motivated. I may be wrong, it is cool, my husband writes code, but take a break, walk outside and refocus on some distant trees. Just vegetate in peace out of doors, for a few minutes. Cheers, B. J.

          • Of course you will, just don’t buy into the f—ing time line everyone wants to put on you. Go your own speed, mate. Nothing is so important it’s worth being unhappy about. I used to stop into cemeteries when I was bicycle touring a lot. It was always a quiet, peaceful place to sit and rest, at least in the daylight. So, go visit the ancestors, it’s a very wise thing to do. Cheers.

            • Going out with my family didn’t help at all. They yell too much about nothing lol. Left on my own, I’m not sure I would do anything with my life. I’m having a hard time writing comment responses too. Sorry for being such a downer.

              • No worries, mate. Be a downer. I can take it. It’s been so long since I was around family, I can’t remember what it’s like. Now, how’s that for being blue?! It’s all part of it – life. Feeling good, feeling bad, and everything in between. Do you have some food? Are you broke and hungry? I can send you a care package. Cheers, B. J.

                • Oh man that is so sweet. That is very generous of you. I’m touched, really. It’s okay though. I live with my parents so there’s food. My average spending / earning per month is $0. I’m arguably very spoiled. I don’t feel that way although I have to admit there are similarities. I feel like a spoiled person thinks they deserve all the goodness they’re given and get angry when it’s taken away meanwhile I don’t expect it and I’m miserable with it. Maybe I need life to beat me up a bit since one could say that I haven’t faced “real life” yet.

                    • I hate my blog’s layout and how the comment replies keep shrinking.

                      Anyway, I agree with everything you wrote there. It’s great that you can back it up with experience. I guess the parts most applicable to me is the first part on convenience and comfort and how they can be detrimental. Even knowing the truth though, it’s hard for me to just up and change.

                      I wish I could apply your advice more but my depression kinda makes it hard for me to try anything. I do try things when others make it easy for me, but it’d be hard for me to find the motivation to just up and travel, given that I haven’t historically enjoyed travelling and seeing things. Then there’s also the thing where I should involve other people in my life more. I don’t know how to get out of my introverted rut. I joke that I’m either a high functioning autistic or a super low functioning non-autistic. I generally have pretty good control of myself but I practically envy crazy people because they don’t need to try as hard. Being in my rut (for years), I simply don’t “feel” like doing anything…

                    • Interesting, very interesting. I am totally introverted by nature, but when my Mom died, there was just no going home anymore. Everything had to be sold, by the will and I just wandered off. I learned how to be around people, because the thought of being alone in a house or apartment was just too hard. So, I stayed out, traveling until the money ran out, and then working along the way for a few months here or there. I’m glad you’re safe and at home with your family. I think you’re just too smart for your own good. Or some such nonsense like that. The comment thread must be unreadable by now. Right some more angst, Ted, and I’ll respond if I can help. I’ve had an idea in mind for another post and I’m going to dedicate it to you. Cheers, B. J.

                    • I’d like to think I’m too smart for my own good too or something like that but that feels arrogant to proclaim, lol. There’s no way to truly measure intelligence and it’s just more sad if I’m miserable and not even that smart. I mean, what I’m doing with my life right now isn’t very “smart” at all.

                      I feel like I’m just going to keep burdening people until everyone gets sick of me and leave. It’s sad to realize that I’m really not that special and my life isn’t actually worth much unless I make myself useful, and I’m not currently doing that. I don’t know… it’s weird to acknowledge how small we are as individuals and that the world will just move on with or without me.

                      I just want to let you know again that I really appreciate your care when I’m feeling all alone today.

  2. Okay, I’m starting another comment thread. You’re 24! You’ve got lots of time to smarten up, so just accept being dumb, unmotivated and of ‘no value’. (I’m teasing you.) Is your Mom cooking dinner tonight? Dude, do you know what I’d give to crack the door of my Mom’s house for one more meal by her? ANYTHING, EVERYTHING. Be grateful Ted. Try to be grateful. There’s some nonsense built into this stupid country that you have to succeed and be great, yadda, yadda, yadda. It’s bullsh–! Just enjoy your Mom’s cooking for one more day, man. for as long as it lasts. ( : Oh, man, I think I need the care package. : ) We are so small, a speck on a speck of dust on a speck of dust, ad infinitum. It’s kind of a relief, because even though we are so small, we can still enjoy the taste of Mom’s cooking. Let me know what she made. Cheers, mate.

    • Thanks for trying to cheer me up but time to be a bummer again. My parents don’t get along and it annoys me a lot, just the noise pollution. I’m at a friend’s now and had son leftovers. I know I complained about no friends and stuff but I only hang out like once a week at most some weeks and it just doesn’t cure the loneliness during the alone times, y’know?

      • Oh, man, I’m sorry your folks don’t get along. I didn’t go through that. My Mom was widowed, and she and I became best friends after my Dad passed away. Well, I’m glad you’re with someone you like to hang out with, right now. I’m really just talking about food to take your mind off things. I’m working on my new post entitled, ‘I’m a human being, not a human doing…’ It’s something a British traveler said to me once, long ago, and it made me think about a lot of things differently. The post is just a story about the early years, it probably won’t help, but it may be a fun (distracting) read. I know you need to work, but hey, pick up some fantasy trilogy and get lost in it. Sorry no solutions, man. Just eat and sleep and get through the days ahead until they change, or you figure out how to change them. Or, until something totally new and different comes along, y’know? I enjoy chatting with you. I think (know) you’re very bright, and I’m in a tiny town, in the middle of nowhere, looking for signs of intelligent life, and not having much luck. I fell in love here by accident while passing through, and got married a couple years ago. And I love that, but the place is kind of tough to get used to. I’m isolated, too, but I have my husband, who is wonderful, and my garden, so nothing else matters much. And here we are…doing life. Such it is.

        • You’ve been amazing company for me through this random tough time. The depression just randomly sprang up on me again and you’ve been a great help.

          I think I know how you feel about your husband, maybe. It sounds like you love him but don’t get as much time with him as you’d like cause of work and stuff I’m guessing. My friends are like that too. I enjoy hanging out with them a lot but I simply don’t get as much time with them as I’d like. I can imagine the way you feel for your husband would be even more intense

        • Although I’ve lost a lot of interest in games in recent years, I presently enjoy Path of Exile quite a bit. I could probably play that and listen to podcasts to pass the days quite easily (for now). Heck, I was basically doing that all last week. But it doesn’t feel right to do that with all the freelance work I took on recently. It’s one thing when I was slacking and no jobs were coming in before, but it’s worse to let go of money that’s basically already mine, especially when I owe my parents quite a bit of money from the past couple months. (Thousands.)

          It’s very encouraging to hear your words that lessen the guilt of just passing the time unproductively if I start feeling too shitty.

          • Honey, we all have owed our parents thousands. We’ve all felt that guilt. I think maybe if you just realize that your situation is nothing new, and it will pass, you might just get motivated again. So, I know you’re not Catholic, but I’m waving my hands in the air and absolving you ‘my son’, now go and rest easy, empty your mind and have some fun, and it’s very likely the next inspiration of code will come. Cheers, mate.

      • I’ve spent a lot of time in B. C. and thought it was just hilarious when I first heard that expression, ‘banana boys’. Americans can’t take a poke at themselves like that, it’s so uptight here. Oh, Canada! Hey, you seem better, food helps, always. I’m off to bed, goodnight B-boy. Don’t stay up too late staring at that damn computer screen.

        • Yeah it’s been alright since I’m hanging out with friends all night until tomorrow night. I think it’s just a temporary mood uplift but it’s better than nothing I guess. Sometimes it feels shittier when im alone again because of the contrast.

          I’m really glad we’ve become friends 🙂

          • Me too, Ted, you’re a very sweet guy. I was thinking have you ever volunteered your time? When I got to this town, I volunteered at the Computer Lab in the Senior Center, teaching retirees how to use the Internet and do word processing. It sounds boring as H—, but it was actually so rewarding.
            I had just gone through a difficult time, and by helping other people it helped me get out of my own head . Know what I mean? And, I met my husband there. He was volunteering as a programmer for the computer lab and he started helping me get back into a research project that I had left behind.
            Volunteering is also cool because it’s not like a job for pay, no one can really tell you what to do or anything, and you may ‘meet someone’. I personally foresee an older woman in your future, Ted. Maybe not forever, but for long enough to get you to a different ‘place’.
            Well, who knows. You can always chat with me, and say whatever you need to say. I’ve heard it all, it won’t phase me. I won’t bail on you. And you will come out the other side of this part of your life, just fine. Don’t despair, mate.
            Cheers, B.J.

            • People have suggested volunteering before but I haven’t really done it much. It probably just sounds like a lame excuse but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. If someone were to bring me with them to volunteer, I wouldn’t object to it.

              …You’ve really got me thinking about it. Even if it’s for the selfish reason to possibly meet someone, lol.

              • Sorry I keep calling you honey, but honey, we all are motivated by selfish reasons, if the bi-product is happy and benign, so what!!! Are you in Toronto? I’m going to be that friend that takes you someplace to volunteer, you’ll just have to carry me in your pocket inside your cellular device. : ) I’ll search the web for some cool volunteer gigs and run them by you. Leave it to me, Ted, just give me your travel range. Cheers, B. J.

                • It’s not that I’m not willing to try things out, but I’m probably going to be pretty selective considering I SHOULD be doing work and even if I’m not working, I would kind of prefer playing games and chatting with you instead, lol. That said, if you find something close by for a couple of hours, I’m willing to go do that. I just don’t want to feel like I’m wasting your time looking for these if I might not even do them.

                  I live in Markham which is 30-60 mins north of Toronto. Toronto is a bit of a hassle to get to but if you find something within Markham, Richmond Hill, Scarborough, or maybe even Stouffville, I could give it a try.

                  • Okay, I understand, and it’s okay if you blow it off after I’ve spent my time. I don’t equate time with money, or any such nonsense. It will just give us something to chat about and keep you (and me) company. Whether you do anything or not, it’s all good. I’m sure it can yield some yuks. Deal? And I agree, I don’t care to go into Toronto, even in the safety of your pocket. : ) I’ll check the burbs. And believe me, if you get up and go out the door to do something constructive, even though you may not get paid, you may get laid (can I say that), and I bet your parents will appreciate your effort to change things.

                    • man you’re too cool :D. Deal. K, I’m going out for a few hours now. I’ll talk to you later on. I should be online too but sort of working at friend’s until tonight.

                    • You mentioned you didn’t want to go into Toronto either. You don’t like big cities either?

                      Oh and remember the banana talk? Back in school there were white people who jokingly said they were eggs, lol.

                    • No, I try to avoid big cities. I can do it, but the crunch is tough on me. I really am an introverted hermit by nature. I just traveled so long that I learned to deal with people. And my Mom understood human nature very well. Her wisdom surfaces all the time.
                      I hope it’s not a derogatory term, banana boy. I heard it on the CBC, about the ‘banana boys of Toronto’ and laughed my a– off. I hadn’t heard the egg joke, though. That’s killer.
                      Let me tell you about white folk, there are hard-boiled and soft centered. I’m a softy. I’ve also been called a naturally occurring Zen Taoist, so I guess I’m a little yellow in the middle, at that. Awesome.

                    • I never thought much about whether banana boy is offensive or not because it actually never comes up. Either way, I don’t mind you saying it cause I know you’re not being mean and I’m not offended by it.

                      I wonder if there are Boston Cream Donut people out there. White in the middle, brown on the outside and with black hair, lol.

                      Your mom sounds like a great woman. It must have been really tough losing her. Losing anyone is tough enough; it’s hard to imagine losing someone that’s actually really great.

                    • It nearly killed me when she died. I was literally ‘sick with grief’. It took two years to get past the worst of it, Ted. The grief never ended, I just learned how to live with it. Now, it’s like an old friend. I’m comfortable with it. She was special, and the thing is, she adopted me through Catholic Charities. Fate gave me that mother. How lucky was that? I can’t help but live in gratitude.

    • Is Karey someone special or just a hot piece of ass I can pursue? (Pardon the crudeness. I just think it sounds funny. I don’t mean it literally but at the same time, I’d be dishonest to say it’s not completely true.)

      • I understand. I said get laid because it rhymed with paid, that’s the (almost) the only reason. I’m with you. She’s just eye candy from the volunteer site to try to inspire you. : )

  3. Here’s something, Ted. If it were me, I’d be all over this volunteer position. This is the one I want to do, from your pocket. Every Canadian should plant a tree. Check it out and tell me what you think. It seems like something so completely unlike what you spend your time doing, that it could be an excellent and utterly new experience. And there will probably be loads of people (girls) there. Check it out. It’s a one-time thing on Sunday, April 26, in Markham, and they provide shuttles: http://york.cioc.ca/volunteer/record/V-MKM0340?Number=7

    • I have a feeling I’m just going to go and work in my own little corner but I’ll give it a shot. …for the exercise if nothing else 🙂 Thanks for finding it for me.

      • Wow, really. Take me with you, man. Or send me some photos of the day, okay? Do you want me to do the ‘legwork’ for you and send the email?
        Oh, and hey, you should go on the extremely beautiful Korean babe’s Facebook site and leave a comment like, ‘Hey, I saw you liked the Markham volunteer website (yadda, yadda). Did you do any volunteering? I’m looking for something to do to get me out of a personal funk I’m in (or something like that).’
        It could instigate some tree planting together, man. I mean it. : ) Cheers, B. J.

        • Is she Korean? I just went to her page and says she’s from Hong Kong. So am I, lol. Thanks for everything you’re doing. You’re too awesome. I sent an email asking if I’m supposed to sign up somewhere or just show up so I guess I’ll wait for that response. As dumb as it sounds, I get in so much of a funk sometimes that I really would want you to help me do that legwork and send an email lol but I’m doing okay right now I think.

          Thanks for the dating pointers too. I need those kinds of pushes. I’m not going to do that for now though since I sort of have a girlfriend right now lol. It’s weird. Not to play blame games and without getting into too much detail, I’m just not happy. Got some serious talks coming up that I don’t look forward to and that was part of the reason I’ve been feeling so bummy too.

          • My mistake. I saw something about Korea on her site and made an assumption. I’m glad she’s from Hong Kong. She’s beautiful beyond compare and the inverted peace sign photo is way cool.
            But anyway, I was wondering if you were seeing someone. You were so happy in one of your posts. You said that you had met someone. I was really happy for you, after the small penis situation. I’m sorry you’re hitting a rough spot, but I’m glad you like the dating pointers. I don’t want to butt in too far.
            The thing is, always just tell the truth with women. Never try a line. The truth is good enough. Women are generally sympathetic, be human and flawed, and utterly truthful about things, and they will be there for you. The good ones will, anyway.
            Let me know when you hear back about the tree planting gig. Maybe in a few weeks, you might be in a better head space to share the event with that lovely young lady. Don’t rule it out, Ted. I have a feeling. Cheers, B. J.

            • Yeah, I saw that you liked that post too. On top of whatever problems are already there, my girlfriend lives in the states. Met her through that small penis post actually, lol.

              • Is that girl who was talking you through it at first? She made some good sense. I really liked the things she said to you. It was real and caring. But, long distance is tough, Ted. Is she just over the line or down farther south?

                  • I actually crashed the car on the way there. It was a heavy snow storm that night and I was driving too recklessly at 70mph when there was way too much snow. I would’ve had to drive at 30 to be reasonably safe but that would’ve turned a 12 drive to a 24 hour drive which brings on a new host of problems. The repairs costed 2.6k which is one of the sums I’m currently owing my parents lol.

                    • This all happened a couple months back when I wrote about my small penis lol. It was going good for a while but not so much anymore I guess =\.

                      By the way, got a response from the volunteer thing and i just need to show up. Is it a Canadian thing or do high schools in most places require students to do 40 hours of volunteer? That was one of my excuses that averts me from volunteering because of the presence of dumb kids trying to fill a quota. Either people will think I’m one of them (I look young) or I might be surrounded by them. It’s not a good excuse but it has its validity since the volunteer email person did assume I was a student based on no information except for my email address (tedgaming) which I guess you can’t blame her for assuming lol.

                    • I know, Ted. That’s what I noticed yesterday when I was searched yesterday, 35 hours a week and student gigs. I didn’t think you’d like that crowd. That’s why I went with one day gigs. I found two or three others, like Applefest in September. I think you just pour apple cider for people and hang out and listen to the entertainment. What do you think? Here’s the link: http://york.cioc.ca/volunteer/record/V-MKM0275?Number=10
                      Then, there was a longer term one that caught my eye was a wildlife care volunteer, only four hours a week but a 10 month commitment. Here’s that link: http://york.cioc.ca/volunteer/record/V-MKM0080?Number=9
                      I’m really looking for totally different experiences and getting outside and doing things. What do you think, Ted, am I on the right track? Cheers, mate.

                    • Hmm the Applefest one looks pretty good. I don’t think there’s anything I’d jump on and anything could be a hit or miss, that’s how I see it. With the tree planting, at least I could guarantee myself some exercise, lol. But yeah, I could check Applefest out but maybe when it’s closer to the date because September feels so far right now.

                      This may be another excuse but if I did try too hard to compete for volunteer spots, I feel like I’m stealing hours away from high school kids that need it to graduate, lol.

                      I don’t think I’m into the animal one. The more I read the less I got into it. It costs $20 for printing fees or whatever which turned me off, lol. I’ve never been great with animals. I can be okay sometimes, but I’ve never picked them up so I might not be good for the job. Cleaning up poop doesn’t sound fun either, lol. I think the commitment is too big for me for something I might not like. Thanks for finding them though.

                      I don’t really know what to expect out of volunteering and I don’t think there’s anything I’m absolutely not willing to try. But just the fact that you’re helping at all is on a great track :D. Making me try new things is good, but your volunteer about helping people on computers sounded alright too as something I can do to help people and get out of the house.

  4. It’s true that the main motivation for life is to not feel or have people think you are a loser. Oddly though, a lot of people can’t see that. For guys, being a loser generally means being poor which translates into having no females being interested in you. Not always true but that’s the general idea.

    You say you cope with the discomforts of your life but it sounds like you’re pretty comfortable. To do anything more would be a discomfort. You live at home, don’t really work and eat potato chips. That sounds pretty comfortable..lol. Your high speed porn is free.

    Lack of motivation is a bitch. I hear you on that one. I’ve grown to accept that I’m just not self-motivated and get bored easily with most things. We’re taught that if we give up on anything that it’s our fault and that we have it in us to do more but if we don’t then we should feel shame. But I’m always looking still. Otherwise I might as well just kill myself.

    Most people are motivated by their plans of wanting a wife, kids, a home of their own and fitting in. That doesn’t sound like your motivation…not at this moment anyway. Not associating with the people I used to identify myself with has helped me. But I guess it’s possible that it could contribute to my potential suicide. But it’s been a freeing and enlightening experience.

    I agree with the above commenter about volunteering. At least it gets you out of the house and you can tell them to fuck off if they are losers. But they will probably treat you decent because they know there’s not much stopping you from walking out the door.

    And who are you fooling about enduring starvation? You don’t look like a person who has ever been hungry…lol

    • lol yeah I do have it comfortable in many ways but I treat it the same way as being spoiled. I don’t expect it and I don’t complain when I lose it. It’s not uncommon for people to say “I’m Starving, let’s eat!” or “Wtf there’s no wi fi?” but those words have never come out of my mouth ever.

      On the surface, my life does seem comfortable but for example I have uncomfortable chairs that I don’t bother spending money to replace. Given that I sit on my ass all day, that’s a very real discomfort, lol.

      Like you, this past year I’ve been starting to accept that maybe I just don’t have self-motivation in me. I’m still grappling with that one.

      How do you think that the previous people you associate with was dragging you down?

      And hey, I may be fat but I endure starvation all the time lol. I often go a day without eating. A couple weeks ago I was in diarrhea-ville for a week and barely ate anything. Eating is a discomfort for me lol. It’s been ingrained in me not to waste food so I clean out leftovers a lot of times which is actually the main reason for my weight. But I’ve been realizing that eating the food without enjoying it is even more of a waste because it costs time, energy, and health for me to work off those calories that I easily could’ve thrown away.

      • I guess anyone can rationalize some sort of discomfort in their life. If you want to believe it then go ahead..lol

        The being cheap part is like a disease. Not wanting to treat yourself well is a sickness that I’ve also dealt with. I kind of wished I worked more when I was around your age just so that I could blow money foolishly. Instead I worked and saved then quit my job to live a frugal existence. Not exactly grabbing life by the balls.

        It’s possible there is something that would motivate you but it just hasn’t crossed your path yet. You are kind of young so who knows what will happen. Maybe you can start a support group for men who cry during action movies.

        When you identify with a group of people it takes over your mentality. It’s like being part of a religion. You live based on the rules someone else made up and it becomes how you look for satisfaction even if it always eludes you. Be around people that you enjoy and have things in common with. A lot of people stick with each other for the feeling of wanting to be cared for or to care for someone. Another ingredient of a loser is a person who has no friends and people will try to avoid that.

        A fat guy who endures starvation all the time…hmmmm. That’s like an alcoholic saying they hardly ever drink…lol. Of course you barely ate anything when you had diarrhea…haha. Unless of course you get your kicks from pissing gravey out of your ass.

    • Hey, Mr. Johnson. You need any help with the ‘legwork’ to find a volunteer spot? I’m just a suburban housewife with lots of time on my hands. Don’t go suicidal if I can help. Cheers, B. J.

  5. New thread, Ted. Okay. I didn’t think you would be an animal person. There were several computer related volunteer positions. I’ll send you a list of links. I’m glad you would like to help people on the computer. I thought it might be too close quarters. Back in a mo’.

  6. hmm I don’t think it’s too out there. I always play the devils advocate whether it’s out loud or in my head. So, yes, confetti bomb is better than real bomb, but as she jumped up with a fist full of unknown material, the other side had to defend themselves as if it was the worst case scenario. I think the actions would be considered threats? Anyway, that’s beside the point. I think it’s cool you’re gonna print the shirt though. When I first saw “dick-tatorship”, I thought it would have something to do with penises lol.

    • Thanks for the pep talk. I’ve been able to do some work on and off but yeah, I probably need to make some big changes. I feel like I can get out of my comfort zone pretty easily but it’s hard to find a reason to force myself to do so. When someone else forces me to, I don’t have any trouble tagging along. Maybe that’s just a roundabout way to describe that I’m still stuck in my comfort zone, lol.

If you liked what you read, please comment. As a blogger with few followers, I need the affirmation lol.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s