What the fuck is motivation? Whatever it is, I am severely lacking in it. Many things in my life have been slowly building up to the current perfect fucked up state it is in right now. The false appearance of being relatively healthy on the surface makes things worse. This entry might not make a lot of sense. I don’t know if there’s any order to present my problems that makes it easiest to understand.
Motivation to live is important. By default, people would want to avoid as much discomfort as possible. Dying isn’t comfortable so it’s very natural to have a motivation to live, and to live well. Why am I missing that? Depression is a part of it but where the hell did that come from? I know I’m never really depressed when I’m hanging out with friends, but that doesn’t happen very often. People have lives and they’re busy. I always feel like a burden if I try to make plans with people so I end up never really making plans. I also have an aversion to going out and all that shit. I got off track a bit. How did I lose the default desire to be comfortable? Well, part of it is because I’ve been getting used to coping with the discomforts of life. Every life has its sets of discomforts and people need to learn to deal with them. The way I dealt with it in my life is by sheer endurance. After a while, I’ve learned to endure more and more shitty things. I’ve learned to endure hunger. Starvation doesn’t really bother me much. No food? No problem. It’s not that I don’t feel the discomforts of a growling stomach, but I can deal with it very easily. That is not a good thing because it removes my motivation to work for money for food. Plus, being in the first world environment I live in, there’s enough unwanted leftovers for me to get obese off of.
I’ve put my endurance to the test. As a self-challenged weight loss regimen, I’ve forced myself to sit in hot baths and sweat like crazy. The water heater isn’t set hot enough so I would boil pots of water and add that to the bath to make it hotter. Often times, it’s too hot to jump in at first. After taking these baths several times a day, everyday for over a week, I was gradually able to get into hotter and hotter water, and enduring the discomfort. One time, my limbs started to get numb. I continued staying in the bath until I started to very numb and something didn’t seem right. I went into the shower to cool down and kept drinking shower water because I was so dehydrated. It took a long time before I started feeling normal again. I’m pretty sure my body was actually dying at that point. It was tough to get in, and stay in, such hot water, but by the time my body was numbing and shutting down, it was actually pretty easy to just stay in the tub until I died… or passed out… or whatever. This sounds like a bullshit exaggerated anecdote but I believe it. If it sounds retarded, it’s probably because I cooked a bunch of brain cells from those baths.
Being able to endure death along with the occasional desire to die from depression is not a good combination. Another motivation to work hard and live a successful life is so that other people don’t think you’re a loser. Being a loser sucks. I’ve accidentally removed the aversion of being a loser in my life. In attempts to being funny, I’ve learned to take jokes at my expense. I can identify my own flaws and blow them up for humor. I joke about being a loser way too much. I can do that so easily with my friends because I’ve already proven that I’m not a “real”l loser, whatever that means. I’ve accomplished enough in my life that all my friends acknowledge my intellect. This way, I can freely brag about how I’m being such a failure in life without feeling utterly worthless. Failure has become a choice and a way of life.
Then there’s my ingrained cheapness. I’ve been raised not to enjoy spending money and I’m now fully conditioned not to enjoy things. A big part of depression is not being able to enjoy life. I’ve literally been raised to be depressed. A normal person growing up would learn that they need to earn their own money so they can spend it. My blind endurance allowed me to simply not enjoy the things that money can buy so I don’t need to earn money.
… I was hoping that writing this would help me discover something about myself but I just feel like more of a loser for how poorly this is written. I could go on but I don’t feel like this is getting anywhere. I’m actually getting paid to make a game right now and I’ve been procrastinating from it forever. fuck fuck fuck. I need to work. I don’t know why I can’t apply my blind endurance to work. It’s fucked up. I currently want to play Path of Exile but I’ve indulged enough that I need to stop. I can apply my endurance to not play the game and attempt to work, but I just end up staring at the screen and not working. Maybe it’s because I have a neverending amount of work. I don’t know. I’m tired of being depressed. I hope I can get some work done after posting this. I gotta…
This is not a great version of the game to see, but you can see it at: http://tedgaming.com/skid_row/
arrow keys to move, ctrl to attack and Z to change weapon.