Best Deleted Scene in Funny People

Unfortunately, I don’t have the clip. As much as I loved the movie, there were a lot of bonus clips in the blu-ray that weren’t so great and they showed repeated material so many times. However, there’s this one really funny scene I don’t know why they cut out.


Remember this scene where Eminem gets pissed off with Ray Romano? After the confrontation, Eminem also says this line sarcastically: “I gotta watch my back whenever I go out cause otherwise, what am I going to say to my daughter? ‘Daddy’s not going to be home anymore. Daddy made a mistake; Daddy got popped by Ray Romano.’” The way he says that last line so rhythmically, gangsta, and serious made it the funniest scene ever.

Perpetual Self Improvement

Some of you might wonder: How does Ted do it? How can he write so much and be so funny all the time? Nobody’s ever actually said that to me but I will accept your silent agreements. If nothing else, just let me masturbate my ego on my path to becoming a truly masturbatory being.

 Forget those fake sexy pose. This is what true masturbation looks like.


Forget those fake sexy pose. This is what true masturbation looks like.

I’m able to push myself to greater limits because I’m my own biggest fan AND harshest critic. I am constantly beating myself up for coming up with bad jokes so I have to try harder to impress myself. By the end of the day, I’m usually pretty happy with what I’ve done. I am constantly reading and re-reading my own work.

Me too! I've been reading this book forever. You'll never catch me doing anything else. And I wrote this book myself! Too bad I don't know how to write so I'm actually just staring at a blank page.

Me too! I’ve been reading this book forever. You’ll never catch me doing anything else. And I wrote this book myself! Too bad I don’t know how to write so I’m actually just staring at a blank page.

Then a day passes. I look back at what I’ve done yesterday and it’s never enough. I also hate repetition so I have to constantly come up with new and better jokes. This will happen indefinitely until I become the most famous comedian in the world, or if my parents finally kick out of the house for being unemployed and on the computer all day.

So I'm not the only one who's unemployed and on the computer all day. I can't even afford furniture, Lol.

So I’m not the only one who’s unemployed and on the computer all day. I can’t even afford furniture, Lol.

With all that said and done, it might not actually be wise to take this as advice because I broke every rule I just stated. I reused an old joke and this isn’t even as funny as the last few things I wrote.

What? I shouldn't be listening to Ted? But he told me to enlarge my breasts so that I get more out of doing push ups. Was that just a ruse so he can see bigger boobs?

What? I shouldn’t be listening to Ted? But he told me to enlarge my breasts so that I get more out of doing push ups. Was that just a ruse so he can see bigger boobs?

Talking Dirty and Cyber Sex

These two things are pretty much the same to me. I can differentiate that cyber sex resides exclusively on the internet while talking dirty can happen in person. But as a virgin, those two things have no difference to me. I never really understood the appeal of cyber sex. If you’re looking for sexual stimulation on the internet and you’re begging a girl to write you a book, you’re doing it wrong. And that’s the other thing, good cyber sex is like poetry which to me sounds like more work than fun. A couple years ago, I accidentally stumbled into cyber sexting with a girl. How does that happen? I couldn’t tell you. I really can’t. I don’t remember how it happened and can’t imagine a logical progression.

I can tell you what happened. I walked into a bar... backwards...

I can tell you what happened. I walked into a bar… backwards…

I didn’t know what to do and wasn’t interested in learning how to do it either. I remember a couple days earlier I had saw a funny picture online of some hot and heavy cybering and once the guy gets really into it, the “girl” “pulls out her huge cock” and start whipping it on his face. It was a hilarious prank that toys with the horniness of dumb teenage boys.

And then I whipped out my huge cock.

And then I whipped out my huge cock.

Back to the sext I walked into, (too bad I can’t just accidentally walk into sex the same way) I started copying the dialogue from the prank. I present to you, a master of half-assery.

And I'm a master of full-assery. (writer's note: I want to us a picture of a fuller, plumper ass here but I don't have one readily available. If you want to suggest a picture for me, I can swap it with this one.)

And I’m a master of full-assery. (writer’s note: I want to us a picture of a fuller, plumper ass here but I don’t have one readily available. If you want to suggest a picture for me, I can swap it with this one.)

Recently, I started sending dirty emails with a girl. At first I wasn’t really into it for I have never done it before save for that one time if you want to count that. I guess I was just really lonely and wanted a connection with another human being. But then this girl changed me. I started getting more and more into and now I can’t stop myself from writing more. I’m convinced that this girl can get me to do anything. I have become a slave to her sexual whims.

Unfortunately, sex counts even if you weren't into it.

Unfortunately, sex counts even if you weren’t into it.

Imagine if time travel was possible. If the old me travelled to the present time, I might accidentally sext with myself and then the old me would cybertronically whip his “huge cock” across my face.

I don't need a time machine to rub my ass against myself.

I don’t need a time machine to rub my ass against myself.

I can’t think of a good joke here and reused a picture so I’ll add another one. Two mediocres don’t make a good but you can never have two many sexy girls. Was that a pun or a typo? Whichever one is less embarrassing in your mind.

In the cyber world, I'm more than just a cardboard cut-out. (Obscure 30 Rock reference no one will get.)

In the cyber world, I’m more than just a cardboard cut-out. (Obscure 30 Rock reference no one will get.)

Most Embarrassing Shopping Experiences

By now, you should already know that I don’t get embarrassed easily. You’re dealing with a guy who can write about his asshole hair and post it on facebook. And yet I still have some embarrassing shopping experiences to write about.

Is he still talking about asshole hair? Stop reminding me about them!

Is he still talking about asshole hair? Stop reminding me about them!

A few years ago, I was in one of those network marketing pyramid schemes and my job was to sell sanitary napkins. Not to be mistaken with wet wipes, I’m talking about pads for women’s periods. I’ve sold to my family, neighbors, strangers, both men and women and I did it with a complete straight face. I was not embarrassed one bit. Thinking back, I don’t know why I wasn’t. What’s that saying about selling ice to eskimos? Well whatever the fuck it is, I trump it by having literally sold pads to men. 

This guy is so embarrassing that I can't even show my face here.

This guy is so embarrassing that I can’t even show my face here.

Selling pads was no problem for me. However, the presentation included a demonstration comparing our product with the market brands and buying pads from the grocery store was one helluvan embarrassing time. A few crazy people have told me that I don’t need to be embarrassed because I could be buying it for my mother or imaginary girlfriend. That doesn’t work unless I hold up a sign to let the whole store know and I’m sure that would’ve been much worse.

Let me post on facebook that I'm buying the pads for my mom. Just in case my friends see me buying them.

Let me post on facebook that I’m buying the pads for my mom. Just in case my friends see me buying them.

I had no idea how I was supposed to hold the product. Should I be holding it proudly on display or trying to conceal it? What if I was mistaken for stealing pads? That would’ve been a whole other nightmare. Or maybe not. If a security guard catches a man stealing pads, he should just let him go out of sympathy. While waiting in line, I had a super heightened sense of hearing and self-consciousness. I heard girls giggling in the background and I was convinced that it was because they saw what I was holding. It probably wasn’t the case but it didn’t affect how I felt about the situation. I looked straight ahead the whole time and moved stiffer than I’ve ever moved. Fortunately, everything went smoothly. It would’ve been embarrassing if I didn’t have enough money. Like the security guard, if you’re a cashier and you’re serving a man trying to buy pads with insufficient funds, just show some mercy and let him go.

We're not laughing at you. We're laughing at the other guy buying pads. LOL.

We’re not laughing at you. We’re laughing at the “other” guy buying pads. LOL.

My other embarrassing shopping experience was when I bought condoms for the first time. It wouldn’t be embarrassing if the guy bought them confidently but I was not a confident condom buyer. I think the main reason I was embarrassed is because I didn’t know where to find them and had to ask the middle-aged Chinese female employee where the condoms were. That was basically a public announcement of my virginity. And it didn’t help that she couldn’t hear me the first time and I had to repeat myself.

Sorry I wasn't listening. Can you say that again? Louder this time so everyone can hear you.

Sorry I wasn’t listening. Can you say that again? Louder this time so everyone can hear you.

All of what I just wrote pale in comparison to THE absolute most embarrassing experience I can imagine. And that would be refunding the condoms because you never got to use them and will not be using them in the foreseeable future and you really want those $10 back. Even with all my asian cheapness, I didn’t go that far and just paid the $10 not to experience that.

Are you sure I can't buy your dignity with these? Oh wait, never mind. You have none.

Are you sure I can’t buy your dignity with these? Oh wait, never mind. You have none.

Ass Scab Scars

When you pull scabs off prematurely, it leaves a scar. I call those scab scars and I’ve got ass scab scars.

Huh? Ass cab what?

Huh? Ass cab what?

A few months back, I remember lying in bed and feeling a little bump on my ass. I scratched it to see what it was. I think it maybe have started off as a pimple or something but I kept scratching it off and eventually I was scratching off scabs. I had thought that I was scratching the same spot but a few days ago, when I accidentally saw my naked ass in the mirror, I saw those ass scab scars, and there were 3 of them.

There are three of us and you have three of what?

There are three of us and you have three of what?

How does one accidentally see one’s own naked ass you ask? Prepared to be enlightened. I recently tried masturbating with moisturizer for the first time. Because this is new to me, I haven’t found a way to streamline the procedure yet. With plain old masturbation, I know my exact specifications but I still need more practice with moisturizer to perfect it.

I'm not accidentally seeing no ass in the mirror right now. ...I don't need to make sense, I'm hot.

I’m not accidentally seeing no ass in the mirror right now. …I don’t need to make sense, I’m hot.

In the first draft of this entry, this is where I started describing my experience losing my moisturizer virginity. I felt that it went too far off track so suffice to say my dick is moister than it’s ever been. Bringing this back on track, I didn’t know what to expect and wanted to keep my clothes clean so I ended up wandering nude around the house more than usual. It was then that I passed a mirror and saw my ass scab scars.

I looked kinda like this except I was more nude, had 3 ass scab scars, and a dick dangling out the front.

I looked kinda like this except I was more nude, had 3 ass scab scars, and a dick dangling out the front.

What was the point of this entry again? I don’t think I ever had one. I just wanted to say ass scab scars because it sounds funny.

Is that all you've got to say for yourself Ted? I'm going back to playing with my pussy. Too bad you can't see it with the cat blocking the view.

Is that all you’ve got to say for yourself Ted? I’m going back to playing with my pussy. Too bad you can’t see it with the cat blocking the view.

Shit Stories Part XII

There are some words that just sound funny together, like anal leakage. Unfortunately, I don’t actually have a story about that. The closest thing I can think of is still just hypothetical. In Shit Stories Part V, I mentioned that I had wiped some blood from my asshole. I haven’t wiped any more blood since, but if I did, then I would’ve needed to consider using tampons.

I'm high as a kite and have no idea wtf I just read.

I’m high as a kite and have no idea wtf I just read.

The only productive thing I’ve been doing all week is writing these shit stories and this isn’t even productive at all. It’s sad that I actually fantasized about getting laid from these shit stories. There’s 0% chance of that happening and it’s still the closest I’ve ever been to getting laid.

Ted knows as little about sex as we do about basketball.

Ted knows as little about sex as we do about basketball.

There wasn’t really much of a shit story this time. I just wanted to use some more of these pictures since I spent so much time downloading them. Anyway, it’s past midnight and my whole family’s asleep so I shall proceed to use this freedom to entertain myself, feel shitty for several minutes, then entertain myself again.

That's how Ted's going to look when he's waiting his several minutes.

That’s how Ted’s going to look when he’s waiting his several minutes.

Shit Stories Part XI: Anal Pleasures

Congratulations. My asshole hair got 10 likes so I will now be adding pictures of pretty girls to all my shit stories. I have also gone back and retroactively added them to all previous shit stories. I spent a lot of time on these so you should revisit them and appreciate all my hard work. Let me help you. https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/category/shit-stories/ And don’t forget the older ones too. https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/category/shit-stories/page/2/

Like a good book, I can read these shit stories again and again.

Like a good book, I can read these shit stories again and again.


Okay, anal pleasures. The more homophobic readers might think this is gay; but it’s not. There are sensitive nerve endings in our assholes that give us pleasure when stimulated. That is a fact. That is why taking a good healthy shit feels wonderful. It’s the way our bodies have evolved to encourage us to get rid of waste instead of keeping it in the body. The thicker and longer the shit, the better it feels. Read: Phallic objects feel good in our asses. That said, it’s only gay when you put an actual dick in there.

Wink.

Wink.

I haven’t fingered my ass yet so this isn’t a post-justification; it’s a pre-justification. I’m still waiting to get 100 likes here. Once I get 100 likes, I will do it as promised. I need these arbitrary rules in my life. Even though I still can’t blame anyone but myself if things go wrong, at least I know there will be people who gets a laugh out of it. With all my recent anal talk and my discussion with MrJohnson about fleshlights in the comment section here, I’m turning into quite a sex-freak and shit-monger. Living with my parents, I don’t have many places I can hide a fleshlight but I just thought of a brilliant place for it. Now I just need someone to send me a fleshlight so I can make some delightful pictures for the internet to see. Sponsors are welcomed. Come on, sex toy shops, are you reading this?

C'mon sponsors. Please?

C’mon sponsors. Please?

As a tech savvy person, I always joked that it would be funny if I ran a porn site because of what I have to say at family gatherings when people ask me what I do. Now it will be even funnier if I get sponsored to play with and blog about sex toys.

Your family will forever avoid eye contact like I'm doing right now.

Your family will forever avoid eye contact like I’m doing right now.