My Dad Vs. Normal Part IV: Catchphrases

I’ve avoided writing about this story for a long time because a lot of it is lost in translation (FYI: I’m Chinese). I don’t really have a good story right now but who knows, sometimes it gets good after I start writing it. I gotta find something to write about because of my stupid rule to write about both parents vs. normal whenever I decide to write one. I’ve been consistently showing you that I follow these rules so if you want more, go back and see some my older entries to see what you can make me do and how you can make me do it. If you need help finding those, let me know and I will gladly help you find them. Or you can just read everything I’ve ever written because my writing so awesome.

This time I'm going to pay more attention and even take notes!

This time I’m going to pay more attention and even take notes!

I don’t know if these constitutes as catch phrases, but I just call it that for simplicity’s sake. They’re words that my dad really likes to say for some reason and he’ll say them all the time. Not only are the words themselves kind of ridiculous, but he ends up misusing them a lot in his effort to keep saying it.

I'll be smarter if I read this book? Okay, I can pretend to do that. Do I look smarter yet?

I’ll be smarter if I read this book? Okay, I can pretend to do that. Do I look smarter yet?

The most famous of my dad’s catchphrases amongst my friends is “redundant”. Think about it. In everyday life, how often can you actually say “redundant” and have it make sense? Not very often, right? At this point, my dad just says “redundant” as a negative adjective for any situation. He’s saying it like some people might say “nonsense” except that would’ve made more sense.

“What? You’re not eating the food? So ‘redundant’.”

“You want me to drive you to work? So ‘redundant’.”

“You don’t want me to drive you to work? So ‘redundant’.”

There are too many girls. So "redundant".

There are too many girls. So “redundant”.

His other catchphrase is “full of himself”. Just like “redundant”, he uses it as a negative adjective to describe anything.

“Ted thinks he can just get a job when he needs one? He’s so ‘full of himself’.”

“Ted thinks he can write? He’s so ‘full of himself’.”

“Ted thinks he doesn’t like eggs? He’s so ‘full of himself’. So ‘redundant’.”

She thinks she can just pick up a book and look smarter? She's so "full of herself". And for me to use the same picture twice, so "redundant".

She thinks she can just pick up a book and look smarter? She’s so “full of herself”. And for me to use the same picture twice, so “redundant”.

Going Out: To Be A Dick or An Ass

As a person living with his parents, it’s only courteous for me to let my parents know whenever I go out, and I’m fine with that. As a very flexible person who can let go of little things, my friends can make, change, or cancel plans up until the last minute and I don’t really mind it. But when you combine these things together along with my parents’ inherent craziness, I always have to wind up being a dick or an ass.

Did someone say ass? Come check out MY ass. me, Me, ME!

Did someone say ass? Come check out MY ass. me, Me, ME!

If I tell my parents I was supposed to go out that night and then it gets cancelled and I don’t end up going out, they make me feel like an ass. My dad’s basically an asshole and would just outright laugh at my face for having friends who bailed out on me. My mom would ask retarded questions and try to drag out the unpleasantness for as long as possible. She wouldn’t be retarded if that was her goal, but it’s not. After telling her the plans are cancelled, she would go on and on: “I thought you were supposed to go out?” “Didn’t you say you were going out at 7? It’s 7 now.” “Oh you’re not going out anymore? How come?” “Really? Your friends cancelled? Why?” You get the idea. There have been many times where a plan got cancelled and I just leave the house and do nothing for a few hours because that’s easier than explaining the cancellation to my parents.

Going out and doing nothing... kind of like this except I'm not a sexy girl at the beach. Okay, maybe it's nothing like this.

Going out and doing nothing… kind of like this except I’m not a sexy girl at the beach. Okay, maybe it’s nothing like this.

In order to avoid being an ass, I’m forced to be a dick. I can’t really control my friends cancelling the plans so that leaves me with one other option, to tell my parents about the plans the moment I leave the house. This makes me a dick because going out usually means going out for dinner and telling my parents last minute would mean they made dinner for me that I’m not going to eat. So I have to choose whether I want to be an ass 90% of the time (apparently I only trust my friends 10%) or be a dick 100% of the time. Because I don’t go out much and I’m a selfish ungrateful child, I choose to be a dick.

So many asses...

So many asses…

Oh and I just realized all this “going out” and “dick” and “ass” talk might sound like euphemisms for gay talk. It’s not. I swear, it’s not. Oh dammit, why did I even put that idea in your minds?…

Oh come on, Ted. Why are you being so homophobic when you love us lesbians so much?

Oh come on, Ted. Why are you being so homophobic when you love us lesbians so much?

My Dad Vs. Normal Part III: Thoughts for Food

These are both food related stories but they’re not really about food. Because I don’t talk to my parents, food just happens to be the only (forced) topic of conversation and you will soon see that they’re not much of a conversation.

Dad: Do you want eggs?

Me: No.

Dad: You’re wrong.

What's that you say? We don't know what we're doing with the basketball? You're wrong.

What’s that you say? We don’t know what we’re doing with the basketball? You’re wrong.

That same dialogue exchange has happened many times in the house. The main problem is, by the time my dad asks if I want eggs, he already really wants me to want eggs and expects me to say yes. I say that’s the main problem because that’s not the only problem. He also fails the grasp the concept that I am capable of thought.

I'm capable of thought too. I'm totally making this face on purpose and not because I got some glitter shit in my eye.

I’m capable of thought too. I’m totally making this face on purpose and not because I got some glitter shit in my eye.

The other day, my dad made breakfast for my brother and he didn’t eat it. At night, he asked me why I didn’t eat it when I saw that my brother didn’t eat it. He was more disappointed in me for not eating leftovers than my brother for creating said leftovers. I wish I could come up with a possible explanation for this but I can’t. It’s just plain old crazy.

As crazy as we are about basketball. By the way, where's the basket? Over where? Oh forget it, just touch me.

As crazy as we are about basketball. By the way, where’s the basket? Over where? Oh forget it, just touch my butt.

My Dad Vs. Normal Part II

I joke that I’m socially retarded but I’m just too lazy to follow social norms. My dad, however, is truly a socially retarded person. He literally has no friends and has no intentions of making any. I know a lot of people who might think their parents have no friends but they just don’t have close friends who keep in touch. My dad actively avoids calls from casual acquaintances of the past. Maybe he has some kind of twisted fear of phones. He would often tell my mom to call people for him, like making appointments with doctors or setting up a dinner with relatives for the holidays. Yesterday, the optometrist called during the day and asked me to tell my dad to call them to confirm his appointment tomorrow. Normally, doctors just tell me to remind the patient but this one really wanted a call back.

I had written this message on a note and left it on the table for him. There was also another call yesterday for my mom and I wrote the message on the same note. My mom read it and told my dad but he just ignored her (normal behavior). Today, the optometrist called again. I didn’t answer it this time because the call woke me up and I didn’t want to bother taking the same message again. Moments ago, during dinner, my mom told my dad again and he continued to ignore her. I don’t know if I should add my say in it and suggest he calls as well. If I say something (, anything), he would either get pissed or make fun of me (even though there’s nothing to make fun of). So I never bother saying anything to them. Maybe I should say something (for his own good, and) so I could record it and transcribe for other people’s entertainment to read and hear about on the internet. If you want me to do it, you gotta comment tonight to tell me because tomorrow will be too late.

My Dad Vs. Normal Part I

I just bitched about my mom so I’ll bitch about my dad too to be fair. I didn’t have anything planned for this but just when I finished writing the last entry, my dad came home from work and from upstairs, I heard him say “gagagagagagagagagagagaga” in a mocking high pitch. If you can’t imagine how that sounds, that’s a testament to how retarded it sounded. He was presumably mocking about something annoying my mom just said but he isn’t aware that his mockery is far more annoying than anything imaginable. Or he just doesn’t care. Oh, and he does this mocking angrily too. Add that to the already unimaginable dialogue. That is simply not a noise a normal person should ever make. I feel retarded when I imitate it for my friends so I can only imagine how retarded it feels to make that noise unironically. Does a retard even feel retarded?

Then he walked past my room and (high-pitch) grunted “aaaarg”. He was annoyed with me but I wasn’t doing anything annoying and he had nothing to complain about. He was annoyed that I was alive basically. He makes that noise no matter what I’m doing. Even if I’m sleeping, he’ll turn on the light to make that noise and make sure I wake up to hear his annoyance with me. And yes, that has happened many times before.