Games SpoilTED Part III

A Word From Ted

What?! Looking at the headings, this looks just like part II and the roman numero looks damn similar too. I’m writing more about Ni No Kuni and Dragon Ball Z because I realized that last time I actually didn’t spoil anything about those games at all. For the sake to sticking with the title, I will go on and write some spoilers for those games too, not that there’s much to spoil. I wrote my last entry a couple days ago and since then, I have now finished Dragon Ball and Atelier Ayesha. An average game lasts about 10 hours so it seems I can play through an average of a game a day which is ridiculously retarded. You know what I say: A video game a day, keeps the pussies away.

Ni No Kuni

Throughout the whole game, the main character is special because he can do magic. Magic… the lazy explanation for everything. All the bad guys are originally good guys turned evil due to tragic reasons. Boohoo. “I used to be good but something shitty happened and now I will destroy the world.”

Dragon Ball Z Ultimate Tenkaichi

Goku beats up all the bad guys. That’s the whole story, saga after saga. While playing story mode, I hated the battle system and thought that it would be more interesting if I at least gained experience and level up from the battles. Then I played hero mode and that’s exactly what the game gave me but somehow that game was even shittier.

Atelier Ayesha

Super gorgeous anime girls talk suggestively about lesbian tendencies and stripping a male character to put ointment on him. I was blown away with how great the game looked and I just loved looking at all the girls. Yes, I’m an anime pervert. They should make an H game with these great graphics. If you don’t know what an H game is, good for you. You’re better off not knowing.

I didn’t keep track of how long I played but I think I played for 30 hours and loved it. But then the game decided to kick me in the balls. The object of the game is to research alchemy and save your sister who will disappear in 3 years. The counter on the year was odd because it didn’t change to year 2 on January 1 so I assumed that the year was based on story points. Then all of a sudden, the game told me I ran out of time and sent me to the bad ending and now I have to start over. Fuck that shit. Why the fuck do game developers make games with a grand timer that limits your exploration of the game? Especially for a fuckin’ game where you collect tons of items to perform alchemy. I wanted to love the game, and I did, until it fucked me over. I started playing from the beginning again with my equipment carried over but it simply wasn’t worth it. I loved the music, loved the graphics, loved the characters, and loved the dialogue, but I can’t be bothered to replay the game again. Maybe someday… Fuckin’ beautiful piece of shit game…

Games SpoilTED Part II

A Word From Ted
This is a heads up that this entry turned out to be more about gaming than I would have preferred. This is a little warning for non-gamers that they might not enjoy this entry as much as my other hilarious ones. Personally, I think it’s still funny and interesting enough for non-gamers to read because I wrote it and I’m an amazing writer. Anyway, I just don’t want anyone to read it and feel like they’ve wasted their time. Use your own judgement. You have been warned.

Ni No Kuni

It seems they only have enough budget to do 5% of the voice-overs. I didn’t think I’d mind it this much, but it bugs me a lot. The game is also very slowly paced with a very flawed battle system. My allies and I always get tangled up in a knot and walk into each other, blocking each other’s way from attacking the enemies. It happens in every battle and it’s so annoying that it practically ruined the whole game for me. Somewhere, someone in charge saw this and said it was fine and left this terrible bugginess in the game. As a critically acclaimed game, it’s terrible. This would be a great game to stumble upon with no expectations but if you even expect it to be adequate, you might get disappointed.

Dragon Ball Z Ultimate Tenkaichi

I went into this game without knowing what dragon balls are and was thoroughly confused by the game. Just kidding, I’ve play too many Dragonball Z games to count so I’m technically a fan. I have fond memories of watching the anime as a child but I think a lot of that is lost in the modern day for someone to see the series for the first time. I’ve only “played” a few hours so far and I plan to finish it but I’ve seen enough that I’m ready to judge. The word “play” was in quotes because I can hardly consider this a game. It’s pure button mashing, even more so than the traditional sense of the word. If you own a controller that can press buttons repeatedly by holding down a button, then you’ve pretty much beat half the game. The other half of the game is simply choose one of two choices and if both players picked the same thing, the attack is blocked. Otherwise, the attack is successful. It is as stupid as it sounds.The fights feel more like I’m telling the characters what to do rather than controlling them and making them do it. There are also bullshit “chase battles” where you “play” the chase scenes with shitty game mechanics.

The moves are flashy and fun to watch. The story mode also has lots of original anime-style cutscenes. It’s basically just watching the show except a lot of animations are repeated. Oh wait, that’s exactly like the anime. Seriously though, the only reason that this is called a game is because you push buttons and it’s not in 30 minute episodes. That said, I do mildly enjoy watching the things the go on in the TV and I’ll probably play the game to its completion unless it somehow pisses me off.

Games SpoilTED Part I

Soul Calibur V
A sword will disguise itself as an angel and pretend to be your mom to trick you to do bad things. Why? Because it can. I’m not fond of fighting games so I knew I wasn’t going to like it from the start. It’s alright for a fighting game though. I just played through the stupid story and then made a girl character with the biggest possible boobs and played with that for another five minutes until I got bored. Okay I lied. I played with Tifa (the big boobed girl I made) for about 2 hours before I got bored.

No More Heroes: Heroes Paradise

I played the original 2 games on the wii. The gameplay and graphics were pretty shitty but it was excusable since it was on the wii. I liked the dialogues like this little gem of a pep talk where this chick tells you the boss you’re about to fight isn’t as tough as he looks and that he only looks tough because his mom is an ugly bitch. I was disappointed to find that the graphics had no noticeable improvements and the overall quality of the game is no longer excusable for the ps3. I actually didn’t bother playing past the first stage once I realized it was the same game.

Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood

You hit on your female co-worker for a while (the whole game) and then you stab her with a knife because “someone else was controlling your body”. Sounds like a necrophiliac rapist to me. In all seriousness, I liked the game. The first game was meh. The second game had some cool things added but it felt like there wasn’t enough of it. And this game heads down the same path, the right path, so I look forward to playing the next two games. There were a lot of collectables and side missions that I didn’t do because “in the end, it doesn’t even matter” to quote Linkin Park.

F.E.A.R 2: Project Origin

The crazy bitch from the ring jumps in your face every few minutes just to scare you for no reason. I’m not a fan of first person shooters nor horror games and I only played the game because it was rated M for partial nudity. Yes, I’m THAT horny. Gigabytes upon gigabytes of online porn isn’t enough for me… I actually enjoyed the game quite a bit, more than supposedly better games such as Crysis 2.

Crysis 2

I wanted to play through the game on easy just to see the work that’s put in but the game designers didn’t want me to finish the game. Time and time again, they don’t tell me where to go and I have to waste so much time trying to jump on everything. Actually, it’s worse than not telling me where to go because they pretend to tell you where to go, mark the location on your map, but make the locations unnecessarily convoluted to reach and make you feel like a dumbass for not knowing where to go right away. There are too many other games to play so I didn’t bother finishing this game.

Infamous 2
You have some crazy powers and you get to choose between 2 girls who also has crazy powers as well as choosing to be moral or immoral. The asian girl is morally good and the black girl is evil. Throughout the game, you choose to be good or evil and you get different powers (and girl) based on your choices. On the last mission, for lousy reasons, just to fuck with you, the crazy bitches switch roles. The black girl becomes good and the asian one becomes bad. Basically, you gotta choose between sticking to your morals (or the lack thereof) or sticking to your crazy girl getting mad at things for no reason. Sounds too much like real life… I play video games so that I don’t have to deal with these girl problems and the developers thought it would be funny to invade virginland with it. In all seriousness, it was a really fun game and I look forward to maybe replaying it on the opposite side someday. For now, I’ve got too many games queued up that I want to go through first.

More Words From Ted
(This first entry was particularly long because… because… … …I don’t know why. Because I randomly decided I want to write more to make up for a few days of absence and I did that by writing less about each game.)

That is in parentheses because I realized after writing it that it was stupid so I was about to delete it but since I already wrote it, I’m just going to put it in parentheses instead. Yes, I agree. Ted’s mind is indeed retarded. I also just realized I forgot to include Ni No Kuni and instead of going back and adding it, I’m going to save it for another topic. I just started Dragon Ball Z Ultimate Tenkaichi and I also have Atelier Ayesha and Crysis 3 with me. I will also be getting my hands on Final Fantasy XIII-2 in a few days. I also want to say that I also noticed that I used the word “also” a lot in the last two sentences. I also notice I use “anyway” and “realize” a lot. I realize that I don’t know what to make of this note I just made so I probably should’ve just kept it in my head. Anyway, those will be the games I will be writing about for the next part.

New Topic (Games SpoilTED)

Am I serious? Another asian man with glasses is going to talk about video games? Yes, I’m serious. This is happening. I haven’t written in a few days and felt a little urge to write again… just a tiny bit of urge. If I really wanted to, I’d just do it because I don’t have much off the top of my head to write about, I only get 1 or 2 new reader each time I write, and it’s more work than fun. I have lots of better ways to waste my time. That’s all I’ve literally been doing these days: waste time. It’s hard to get the motivation to do anything more than that. Anyway, this entry is to explain a new set of topics on video games that I’ll be writing.

I know that most of my readers are (previously) depressed and suicidal people and couldn’t give less of a shit about video games. (Giving less of a shit… would that be a fart? I digress… ) My hope is to poke fun at video games and write about them in ways that’ll be funny and interesting to non-gamers too. Chances are, I will fail; most games aren’t that funny or interesting to write about. But what do I have to lose? My 22 followers? Boohoo. Woe is me.

Ever since I started working at the library, I have discovered that the library actually has a lot of very new and recent games to borrow. Surprised, right? I know I was. I was surprised and pissed that I spent so much money buying games as recent as last weekend, after I already started working at the library and should’ve known better. When the depression gets bad, it’s hard to make the effort to play games and some stupid games demand more effort than they’re worth. For now, it seems I am able to force myself to play all these games. Even for free, I hardly feel like playing games because I’ve gotten so goddamn lazy but I literally have nothing better to do.

I plan to only talk about each game briefly, to make it more readable for non-gamers. The idea is that I’ll basically spoil the ending and sum up the game in a sentence or two to make it look stupid. For non-gamers, spoilers won’t be a problem and for gamers, the spoilers should also not be a problem. I actually don’t get why people care about spoilers. I personally don’t mind spoilers because it’s the journey that matters, not the ending. Look at life: Spoiler Alert: Everyone dies. It’s always the same ending but that does not reduce the value or uniqueness of each individual life. But anyway, if you are afraid of spoilers, it’s in the title so that’s warning enough. If that’s too subtle for you, then you’re too much of a dumbass for me to cater to and I hope I spoil everything for you. Lastly, the title is just a stupid way for me to literally shove my name into a word. There’s nothing clever about it. It’s just a manifestation of my narcissism.