My Mom Vs. Normal Part IV: Questions

In previous entries, I have not been shy to say that my mom asks retarded questions. Sometimes the questions are just plain stupid. Sometimes it’s the conditions surrounding the question that’s stupid. Sometimes she’s just stupid with the way she asks the questions.

And sometimes, I just like to block the stairway for no reason whatsoever.

And sometimes, I just like to block the stairway for no reason whatsoever.

I feel sorry for some of the questions a cousin of mine had to endure. He’s an academic and my mom’s an idiot and these are two of the many stupid questions she asked him:

“When people sleep on the ground, the ground energy drains them of their life energy and they’ll be more prone to sickness like cancer and stuff. Can you use science to help me explain that?”

“Have there been scientific research that tell us why people with longer arm hair are more intelligent? No? So science isn’t good enough to prove that?”

According to my research, my science can't prove that I'm the prettiest girl in the world. Omg, science can't do anything. Science sucks!

According to my research, my science can’t prove that I’m the prettiest girl in the world. Omg, science can’t do anything. Science sucks!

Like the questions above, sometimes she just has her mind set and she doesn’t even listen anymore but she’s still asking questions and wanting answers.

“Ted, do you want to move the desk from the basement for you to use? You don’t want to use it? Let’s move the desk tonight, okay?”

What's that? You're trying to quit porn? Well I'm just going to pose nude for you anyway, okay?

What’s that? You’re trying to quit porn? Well I’m just going to pose nude for you anyway, okay?

Because of all the stupidity surrounding the questions, I’ve grown to ignore her a lot of times. Before you start thinking that I’m mean, know that she’s asking for it a lot of the times. How does a person “ask” to be ignored? I’ll tell you how. There are times when my mom would ask me a question and then immediately leave the house to get the mail or something. Come back, ask the question again, and leave the fuckin’ house again. She once chained 3 of these in a combo.

3 combo. What are we comboing? Who cares.

3 combo. What are we comboing? Who cares.

Another time, she asked me a question while I was brushing my teeth. Is she not aware that I can’t talk while I’m brushing? Sure, if it were an urgent question, I could stop to answer. But it wasn’t an urgent question; it was a stupid question. It was 3 in the afternoon and she asked if I was brushing my teeth because I just woke up or if I’m about to sleep. The answer was neither. I was just brushing because I ate some sweets. Oh, and not only did she ask a question while I was physically unable to answer, she also left the room right after asking.

Send me an email if you want me to come over to your house right now. ...Oh I'm not getting emails so I guess I'll just go put my clothes back on.

Send me an email if you want me to come over to your house right now. …Oh I’m not getting emails so I guess I’ll just go put my clothes back on.

By the way, I made none of this up. Everything I just wrote about has happened. Most of these things have happened more than once. Why would something so specifically stupid be repeated? I don’t know, but anything’s fair game at this point. It may be rude for me to ignore my mom all the time, but you can’t really blame me, can you? And maybe she asks questions in ways that I can’t respond because she already expects me to ignore the questions. I wonder which came first, the chicken or the egg, the CHeCKEd out mind or the EGGnorance. Wow, that HAS to be the most terrible and forced pun in history. I apologize for that.

I'm so embarrassed I have to hide my face in a hat. You can still enjoy my boobs though.

I’m so embarrassed I have to hide my face in a hat. You can still enjoy my boobs though.

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Going Out: To Be A Dick or An Ass

As a person living with his parents, it’s only courteous for me to let my parents know whenever I go out, and I’m fine with that. As a very flexible person who can let go of little things, my friends can make, change, or cancel plans up until the last minute and I don’t really mind it. But when you combine these things together along with my parents’ inherent craziness, I always have to wind up being a dick or an ass.

Did someone say ass? Come check out MY ass. me, Me, ME!

Did someone say ass? Come check out MY ass. me, Me, ME!

If I tell my parents I was supposed to go out that night and then it gets cancelled and I don’t end up going out, they make me feel like an ass. My dad’s basically an asshole and would just outright laugh at my face for having friends who bailed out on me. My mom would ask retarded questions and try to drag out the unpleasantness for as long as possible. She wouldn’t be retarded if that was her goal, but it’s not. After telling her the plans are cancelled, she would go on and on: “I thought you were supposed to go out?” “Didn’t you say you were going out at 7? It’s 7 now.” “Oh you’re not going out anymore? How come?” “Really? Your friends cancelled? Why?” You get the idea. There have been many times where a plan got cancelled and I just leave the house and do nothing for a few hours because that’s easier than explaining the cancellation to my parents.

Going out and doing nothing... kind of like this except I'm not a sexy girl at the beach. Okay, maybe it's nothing like this.

Going out and doing nothing… kind of like this except I’m not a sexy girl at the beach. Okay, maybe it’s nothing like this.

In order to avoid being an ass, I’m forced to be a dick. I can’t really control my friends cancelling the plans so that leaves me with one other option, to tell my parents about the plans the moment I leave the house. This makes me a dick because going out usually means going out for dinner and telling my parents last minute would mean they made dinner for me that I’m not going to eat. So I have to choose whether I want to be an ass 90% of the time (apparently I only trust my friends 10%) or be a dick 100% of the time. Because I don’t go out much and I’m a selfish ungrateful child, I choose to be a dick.

So many asses...

So many asses…

Oh and I just realized all this “going out” and “dick” and “ass” talk might sound like euphemisms for gay talk. It’s not. I swear, it’s not. Oh dammit, why did I even put that idea in your minds?…

Oh come on, Ted. Why are you being so homophobic when you love us lesbians so much?

Oh come on, Ted. Why are you being so homophobic when you love us lesbians so much?

My Mom Vs. Normal Part III: Bitching, Animation, Programming

My mom does this annoying thing where she bitches about everything. Sometimes, they’re joke-y “friendly” bitching. Other times, they’re just bitching. I got a 3D monitor about 2 months ago and my mom has “friendly” bitched me twice to show her 3D movies.

Woah... the world looks so 3D...

Woah… the world looks so 3D…

What makes this bitching instead of asking? Well, that’s because I’ve already offered her to watch 3D movies 5 times (2 of those times were immediately after the bitching) but she turned down my offer every single time. So fuckin’ annoying.

What's that you want to offer me? Nah, I've already got something to suck on.

What’s that you want to offer me? Nah, I’ve already got something to suck on.

She does the same thing with food too. Every time she sees me throw out a container, she bitches that she never got to try any but every time I offer, she says no. And no, don’t argue for her that she just wants to be asked. She says no in a depressed and suicidal tone. Can you even imagine how that sounds? I highly doubt it. There was this one tiny box of chocolate that I distinctly left on the table and waited a year to eat it and she still bitched about that.

We just love to say no to boys.

We just love to say no to boys.

Here’s a little background information about me that you’ll need for the next story. I went to 2 years of university studying computer science. I have discontinued my education indefinitely because I am capable of learning those skills on my own, and going to school made me depressed, and I’m just a lazy fuck-tard.

And my background is in netting. I learned that on my own too!

And my background is in netting. I learned that on my own too!

A couple days ago, my mom said this thing to me that she has said at least two other times before. She told me that if I didn’t like what I was studying before, I should go back to school to study something else, like programming, because she heard that it’s good. If you ask her what I studied for my first 2 years, she would tell you that I was studying animation. I have said nothing that would’ve led her to think that other than saying the word “computer”. It’s one thing to not know what I’m studying, but at least have the decency to know its name or what it’s NOT.

Look at me! I'm computering!

Look at me! I’m computering!

My Mom Vs. Normal Part II

My mom does this thing where she’ll cook something, wait until I take a bite, and then ask me if it’s raw because she isn’t sure. A normal person would easily test it herself if she has any respect for her cooking or the person eating it. She might as well wait until I take a bite and ask if I taste any shit because she forgot if she got shit on her hands from wiping.

This next little section doesn’t really belong here but I’m too lazy to create a new entry for it:

I was just thinking that it would be cool if a friend wanted to hire me as a live-in housekeeper. My main goal is just to keep a roof over my head and avoid having to pay bills. Damn, I’m so jealous of slaves.

My Mom Vs. Normal Part I

I always bitch about how my parents annoy me and on a few rare occasions, I wonder if I’m the one at fault. Maybe I’m just easily annoyed and they’re not actually that annoying. But then they brilliantly come in and prove me wrong. There are many ambiguous situations where it seems like I’m pissed at them for asking a perfectly normal question, but upon closer inspection, it wasn’t asked quite so perfectly normal(ly? this sounds weird… oh well).

To the untrained eye, I might seem like the bad guy but people who have annoying people in their lives will understand me. You have to bear in mind that my mom is constantly so annoying and that there are no existing pleasant experiences with her. Even if it’s not THAT bad, she overwhelms me with quantity. If you don’t have someone like that in your life, you simply won’t understand. You can’t just imagine yourself in that position because human imagination sucks. You just can’t understand just like how I would never understand what it’s like to be a black person. I’ll never know what it’s like to have a big dick, dance well, and see floating eyes and teeth in the mirror at night.

So I volunteered to drive my brother from the airport tomorrow and my mom annoyingly asked me if I’ve set up a meeting with him yet… and I got annoyed. Let’s analyze what my mom just did and how a normal person should’ve done it. First of all, if she trusts me, I shouldn’t even be questioned at all. Sure, it would be okay to give me a passing reminder but the key words are “passing” and “reminder”. What my mom did was a failed attempt at firm interrogation. A normal person might just ask if I remember about tomorrow and I’ll say “yup” and that’s the end of a normal pleasant conversation. The person reminding me knows that it’s a reminder and that it’s a brief conversation, so she would probably be doing something else or just walking past. Of course, my mom did the complete opposite. She walked into my room, planted herself next to me, and asked if I’ve told my brother that I’m driving him yet. The wording is so negatively presumptuous. She assumes that there’s even a delay between my volunteering and updating my brother on the information. Annoyed, I just grunted “yeah” and that COULD have been the end of a not so pleasant, but not terrible, exchange of words. But then she goes on and asks if I’ve discussed where to meet him yet. Really? I need HER help to do this? Bear in mind that I’m a very self sufficient person who can do everything on my own and never fails and never asks for help. Meanwhile, she’s a publicly stupid person who fears doing stuff she’s unfamiliar with and asks for help all the time. I don’t need any help and I did, she wouldn’t be helpful anyway.

To back myself up even more, my aunt once asked my mom to pick her up at the airport and my mom said no because she doesn’t know how to drive to the airport. She genuinely believed that was a legit excuse and had no ill intentions but it was stupid nonetheless. Nobody’s born knowing how to drive to the airport. The question is whether the person is worth learning to drive to the airport for and my mom’s response was no.