Shit Stories Part V

Sometimes at the end of a shit, I try to squeeze out one last piece and I can feel it kinda sorta come out but it won’t detach and I just know that it’s going to be a bad wipe. It’s the complete opposite of a clean shit that doesn’t require wiping. Moments ago, I was taking a shit and it felt like one of those. I stood up and looked in the bowl. Nothing intense: I wasn’t staring or holding up a magnifying glass or anything. I just casually took a glance to see what kind of shit came out of me. I know that it’s perfectly normal behavior but somehow writing it out in words makes it sound perverse or some shit. Anyway, I looked and saw that the shit had pretty normal color and texture, not (black) diarrhea or anything. I wiped with mental preparation that it’s going to be a messy wipe and sure enough, there was… substance. With these lingering shit wipes, it’s always mushy or wet. If it were dry, it would just plop out and not stick to the asshole. So the substance felt a little wet. At this point, everything is still within expectation.

I'm mentally prepared too.

I’m mentally prepared too.

When I felt the moisture during the wipe, I thought I had mistakingly taken too small a piece of toilet and wiped shit on my hand… again… It was turning into a bad day because I hate getting shit on my hand. Then I looked at the toilet paper to see what I had wiped. (Again, I know that this is perfectly normal behavior but it still sounds so fucked up when described.) First off, no shit on my hand, phew, but what I saw surprised the shit out of me. (By the way, it’s kind of retarded that I can’t even tell whether I touched shit or not.) Bear in mind that the crap I just took was painless and normal looking so I wasn’t expecting anything crazy. What I saw on the toilet paper was… pure blood. There was no blood in the toilet bowl, but I wiped blood (with no shit) from my ass. That has never happened to me before. Blood wasn’t oozing out or anything, but there was enough that I felt it through the toilet paper when I wiped with my back turned. The blood was also pretty light colored, almost pink. First I have black diarrhea and now I have pink blood. I’ve been taking some pretty colorful shits.

Hah, coloful.

Hah, coloful.

My Sexuality

I have thought about this a lot and I think it’s time to share this with the 5 people who reads this blog. In the previous blog entry, I’ve made mention of observing men’s ass and being repulsed by labia. There’s also another previous entry titled “Erectile Misfunction”. Enough said there. This question has to have crossed everyone’s mind: Is Ted maybe gay?

As much as I like being called a faggot, I’m not gay unfortunately. Attraction is based on how a person’s mind is wired. Even if on a logical level, I might enjoy the company of men, I am also undeniably (sexually) attracted to women. The hair, the scent, the boobs… I love it all. …just not the labia. Oh I forgot to mention this in the previous entry but another reason boobs should be more attractive than butts is the proximity to shit. Anyway, I can’t say whether sexuality comes from nature or nurture or whatever-fuck-ture, at the end of the day, it’s not a conscious decision.

I do often wonder what would happen if I were gay. I’ve imagined what it would be like to be in a homosexual relationship with my buddies. Here’s another sign that I’m not gay, I think about how I cope with the gay sex to experience the rest of the non-sexual part of the relationship. If you’re reading this and you know me in real life, then I’ve probably imagined being in a gay relationship with you. Sorry, but the conclusion I arrived at should make this all okay, lol. The other fundamental flaw of my homosexual fantasies is that I fantasize being with straight men. But it has to be straight men though because I hate gay men. No, I’m not being homophobic because I hate all people. I just hate gay men a little more. I guess that makes me a little homophobic. Sure, I can accept that easy enough, it’s the rest of the world that has to deal with it.

Boobs or Butts? (Comment Topic)

The anonymous person who gave me this topic suggested that I would be funny for a topic like this. That’s a lot of pressure. Things don’t always have to be funny so don’t be surprised if this entry turns out to be less funny than you expect. This then begs the question: If Ted’s not going to be funny, why the fuck is he writing this and wasting everyone’s time? Sorry, I don’t have an answer for that. Maybe it’ll turn out okay though? We’ll see.

The quick answer is that I like boobs. If that’s all you wanted to know, you can stop reading now since the rest of this will only be tangentially related to the topic. There shouldn’t be a single person who stopped reading. Who the fuck actually cares whether I like butts or boobs and stops reading once they find out? Anyway, I shall stop myself from getting angry at imaginary people.

Butts and boobs are like apples and oranges. A sweet butt is better than nasty boobs and vice versa. And like fruit, I’d rather have no apples than bad rotten apples. Logically, boobs should be the preferable choice for most men. Boobs are what differentiates women from men the most. All men have butts too so it’s not as special. Hmm… I can imagine butt enthusiasts would argue than female butts are different than men’s. I have never observed a male butt carefully enough to confirm that but I assume it’s true. However, boobs are still more different. The best man-boobs in the worst can’t compare to real boobs but I’m sure the best men butts would be comparable to a woman’s.

It’s also interesting that the labia is not part of the equation. Sexually, that should be the body part we’re most attracted to but it isn’t. I’m happy to go on record and say that the labia is practically repulsive. No one should be offended by this statement. If you’re a woman and you’ve read this far, then you’re pretty much looking to get offended in which case, you’ve come to the right place. Please read on. …Actually, I think I’ve run out of things to write about. Just so I don’t disappoint you, I shall now state something overly offensive just for the sake of being offensive. I know how we can eliminate 100% of all rape crime. Every time you get raped, all you have to do is consent and then it’s not rape anymore. So simple. You have the power to prevent yourself from ever getting raped. Isn’t it such a mystery that a problem solver like me is still single?

Fat People (Comment Topic)

This is an excellent topic with tons of material to draw from and it’s a bit of a shame that I can only cover so little of it in one blog entry. If I receive good feedback on this entry, there’s definitely lots of room to create a part 2 and part 3 and so on. In fact, this theme is probably big enough to merit its own blog. Anyway, I’ll stop getting ahead of myself lest I trip and fall over like a clumsy fat fuck.

Fat, as an adjective to describe people, has an extremely negative connotation (and rightfully so). That said, it is very easy for fat people to get offended by what I’m going to say. That’s fine. Sure, you have the right to be offended but please don’t bother me with your fat naggings, also (not actually) known as faggings. Okay, that was a little unnecessarily offensive, but if you got offended by that, let that be a warning for you to stop reading now because you will only get hurt from reading further.

Is it mean for me to pick on fat people? Sure, it’s always mean to pick on any group of people but fat people are very blessed so we shouldn’t feel that bad about creating comedy at their expense. Fat people really are lucky people. Why? Because everyday, they eat a ton of food and they love it. In our society where a lot of people are constantly depressed, if a person can enjoy something everyday, then he’s one lucky fat fuck. And yes, all fat people enjoy eating and all fat people eat everyday. It is realistically impossible to sustain an obese weight without eating several times more than an average person, everyday of your life. As a consistently depressed person, I’m so god damn jealous of fatasses.

I’ve heard all sorts of excuses for being fat but no excuse is going to make you less fat. Some people say that poor people are more susceptible to be fat because they end up buying lots of frozen and fast foods with high fat and sodium content. But that’s a shitty excuse because it doesn’t matter what foods a fatass eats, he’s still eating too much of it. Getting fat is about quantity, not quality. Also, if these fatasses can afford all that food, I suspect they’re not all that poor. They just ate away their savings. Sure, the kinds of food they can afford makes it easier for them to get fat, but they still have to eat a lot of it in order to get as fat as they are. If they just eat less, they won’t be as fuckin’ poor. Solve two problems by doing less of something you lazy fat fuck.

Some dumbass might suggest that there are diseases that make people fat. But the person who suggests that is a dumbass.

(Insert awkward pause here for the reader to laugh or get offended or be unamused.)
The only disease fat people have is enjoying food too much. No matter how different each person’s metabolism is, you cannot gain more weight than you eat so a fat person has undeniably eaten a shitload more than an average person. That is not a real disease. If some such disease does exist, the subject would be constantly gaining weight at an incredible rate and explode before his first birthday. That is not a fat person. That is an unlucky meat balloon. Let us take a moment to grieve all meat balloons. … … …  Let’s not forget why we’re here though. I’m not done with fat people yet.

Basically, all I’m saying is that it’s okay to make fun of fat people. I can say this because I’m a mini fat fuck and I’ve got a good idea of what it takes to become a total fat fuck (a non-mini fat fuck, a fat fat fuck). I don’t take care of my body at all and I eat shitloads of junk food. My history gives me great insight of my body fat. A few years ago, I was pretty fit while still carrying some belly fat and I had then weighed in at 150 lbs. I have not grown any taller; I’m significantly weaker, can’t run for shit, and now I weigh about 180 lbs. That’s at least 30 lbs of pure fat. I constantly notice myself eating bigger portions than I need and sometimes I only eat it so I have less to clean up. Of course I also eat a lot sometimes simply because I want to. Like all true fat fucks, I have a multitude of reasons to overeat. That said, it was actually pretty hard to gain this weight and I can’t imagine how much food a true fatass needs to eat to become that fat. In these past few years, I have been as lazy and as unemployed as a piece of shit can be. If I become a more functioning human being, even if I just walk to a car to drive to work, I would already be exercising enough for my weight to ease back down. I know what it takes to gain weight. It takes a lazy fucker with access to a ton of food. So maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to make fun of lazy food-hoarders because it would give them a reason to be less of what they are.

I did an open mic once for stand up comedy which had a portion of fat jokes/observations. Being the amateur that I am, it’s obviously not the best comedy in the world but it’s not too shabby either.

On the other hand, my absolute favorite comedian Louis CK has a hilarious bit about fat people: Louis CK is the best so you should definitely check out as much of his stuff as you can. There are lots of videos of him on youtube so check those out, love him, and then visit his site where he offers excellent comedy for great prices.

Lastly, I will leave you with a mildly funny observation that takes a sharp sad turn (this will make more sense once you read it). I was just thinking to myself one day and I suddenly realized that I’ve never seen a really old person who also happens to be very fat. They don’t exist. Reason being: all super fat people die before they get old because they’re so fuckin’ fat and unhealthy.

…This is not a great last thought to leave you with but that’s pretty much my life and the way I write: sad funny truths. Bringing it back to the theme of this entry, I might go as far as to say that making fun of fat people is a good thing because it gives them motivation to lose weight, become healthier, and live longer.

Erectile Misfunction

That’s right, the title is not a typo. I know it’s supposed to be erectile dysfunction; I’m not retarded (yet…). Before you start judging me, fuck you and let me explain. (Aren’t I great at antagonizing the reader right off the bat?) Before I get into the definition of this term I just made up, I need to provide some background information.

I’m a 22 year old male virgin. I’m never been in a relationship and never even came close to having sex. I mean, I haven’t really tried that hard so it’s okay. Yes I’m making excuses here. You might call me sour grapes but fuck you. (Yup, I’m antagonizing you again. Bitch.) I’m heterosexual and I’m one of those heterosexuals who overcompensate by only watching solo and lesbian porn. If there’s a dick in the video, I can’t watch it. As mentioned earlier, I’ve never even come close to getting laid. The main reason is because I don’t hang around people much, let alone girls. I can go weeks and months and probably years without ever interacting or making physical contact with a girl  Being the horny young male that I am, one might imagine that I might get raging hard-ons really easily upon physical contact.

Finally, here’s where erectile misfunction comes in. When I watch my lesbian porn, I’ve never ever had any trouble getting a hard on. Even if I’m not really in the mood (believe it or not, guys jerk off even when they don’t want to…) I am still able to easily get it hard enough to finish the job, with my library of visual stimulation of course. However, there have been at least 3 distinct instances in my life where I have been squished into a seat or sofa with a fairly attractive girl but I’m soft as a… what the fuck is soft? Ice cream? As I’ve stated twice already, I have never even come close to getting laid. (I don’t know why I keep reiterating it. It seems I subconsciously really want you to know that I’m a super virgin.) I would not be surprised at all that when I do get an opportunity to have sex, I won’t get hard. However, this is erectile misfunction as opposed to dysfunction. I just need access to the internet or my harddrive and I will be ready to go. I wonder who will be the lucky gal to have to wait for me to watch porn before I fuck her.