Problems I Caused That Are Not My Fault

This past month, there have been three incidents that something bad happened to someone else and it wasn’t my fault. However, I still feel guilty because the bad thing wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t there. It’s really weird to explain but I’ll just go ahead and describe those incidents.

 

The first one was me doing that last stand up comedy thing. Without going into too much detail, The psychic got into a fight with his band about bringing me up on stage more and he left the band for a few weeks. I don’t know if I would even do it justice explaining the situation further so I’ll just leave it at that. There was already tension in the band and the fight was gonna happen eventually and it wasn’t my fault for sucking too much or anything, but the specific fight wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t show up to do the stand up gig.

 

The next incident is when my girlfriend visiting Toronto. We were taking a walk and we were getting home for dinner and I instigated a little run. After running about 10 seconds, I… I just got bored about writing this entry. The topic is still sort of interesting but I lost interest in my examples. I’ll just finish it though. After 10 seconds, I suggested to stop but she kept running and her phone fell out of her pocket and the screen cracked some more. It was already previously cracked and if she had listened to stop running, it wouldn’t have broken. Even still, it’s not really my fault that she didn’t keep her phone safe. I wasn’t sprinting away or anything. Once again, not my fault, but it wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for me.

 

The last example is at my friend, Justin’s house. His girlfriend was there and she was sitting with a cup of tea while we were trying to troubleshoot a printer. I had been sickly that day and after a while, I gestured being tired and she offered for me to sit on the couch too. The couch was messy and whilst moving to make room for me, she knocked over her tea and broke the cup. Just like the theme of this whole thing, it wasn’t my fault, but it wouldn’t have happened if I weren’t there.

 

I don’t know how to feel about all this. Today also marks the 6th day I’ve got all diarrhea so I guess this is the story of my life going to shit.

Parks And Recreation In Relation to My Creation And Maintenance of Relationships And Careers

I just watched the last season of Parks and Recreations and cried like a little bitch in almost every episode. Every time I cry when I’m watching a show (which seems to be increasingly frequent), it always feels like I’m mixing in a ton of other emotions. I’ve always felt like I’m just crying about other shit and what’s happening on screen is merely a tiny trigger that made it easier for me to cry. But the more I think about it, maybe that’s actually the normal reason to cry when watching something.

 

A lot of people coupled up in the show and watching their loving relationships made me feel things from a relationship I just officially broke up from yesterday. Although I felt like I’ve invested way more than my fair share, I still could’ve done more. Is it the man’s responsibility to selflessly give everything to enhance the woman’s life? The way April hesitated for Andy to leave his TV show to move to Washington for her… The story arc was very short but I think it succinctly summed up all there was to tell. April felt bad that Andy had to change his life for her but he showed no hesitation which put her to ease. I was going to change my entire life for my relationship but I showed too much hesitation and that ruined everything. I hesitated, but I still wanted to do it, but that wasn’t good enough. Is it too much to be asking me to be like the awesome Chris Pratt – awesomer Andy Dwyer? (actually I don’t know which one is awesomer!) Maybe it is asking too much. I’m sure most people would never sacrifice so much with so little thought but I was pretty close….

 

Then there was Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope, where Ben stepped down from running against Leslie. (If it isn’t obvious by now, this blog entry is going to refer to the show a lot.) Once again, the man just selflessly gave the woman everything and made her happy. Even if it objectively was not necessarily the better choice, it doesn’t matter because all it matters is that the woman’s happy. The objectively better choice thing made more sense for the Andy and April storyline; The Ben and Leslie one was fairly equal. Well, they actually made the right choice going for Leslie. I’m getting sidetracked. The main point is that the guy gave a lot to the girl and that was attractive and sexy.

 

There wasn’t any touchy story with Tom Haverford but there was one for Donna. In this relationship, the woman gave to the man. The guy in this relationship seemed kinda gay but that’s beside the point. This sort of breaks the trend I was spotting where the guy is expected to make more sacrifices – not completely though. This was just an exception where the woman was ridiculously far better off financially and it showed that there are no absolutes, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t still a strong trend. The numbers are still 2 vs 1 where men had to make more sacrifices and those sacrifices are arguably greater than Donna’s. I’m not demanding equal rights for men here or something stupid like that. I’m just trying to sort out my own personal feelings of whether I should’ve more readily sacrificed more and whether that should’ve been something I should do as a man, or even just as a lover – regardless of gender.

 

The other reoccurring theme in the finale (arc) was people getting bored of life and trying to find something meaningful to do. That happened to Ron and April. I’ve been struggling with that existential crisis long enough. The main difference is, those are fictional characters with fictional lives, living a fictional happy ending. Even then, they’ve put in years of working hard before chasing their dreams. I haven’t done shit. (Not completely true. I’ve done some shit but not enough…) Whether or not I deserve a dream job some day, I have not earned it yet. Plus, I don’t even know if such a job exists for me. I don’t have the luck to be blessed with a dream job without working hard for it but that’s not something I expect. I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life but apparently, people are starting to offer jobs to me (game development, book editing, mobile app development). The money’s not great yet, but it finally looks like it’s going somewhere and yet I haven’t worked on them for a few days now. Is it a legitimate excuse that I’m going through a heartbreak? I don’t know…. I hope I don’t fuck it up and lose these jobs but seeing as how I’ve been being a procrastinating fuck-up for the past few years, I really don’t know if I’m going to fuck up these opportunities. All I know is, I haven’t started my path on correcting things yet because I’m writing this blog and planning to play 3D Final Fantasy XIII after this, after I just finished binge-watching the last season of Parks and Recreation. The saddest part is, I’m not even going to enjoy playing games. I’ll probably get bored in a few minutes but I just rather do that than work at the moment. What am I working for? Once again, I find myself at a point in my life where I don’t have a future to look forward to. I also hate being such a depressing bum too….

Feeling Down

Feeling down – as usual.

 

Nothing to do – plenty to do but don’t really want to do them or feel guilty doing them instead of working.

 

No one to talk to – partially true? But more so that I hesitate to bother people about the same old crap.

 

Life – I knew you were tricking me when I thought things were getting better….

Resultless Effort

In preparation for my stand up comedy set tonight, I tried to write some jokes. I want to clarify that I didn’t write anything, but I tried. Trying is a tricky thing. A lot of people want to be given credit for trying. Their demand makes me want to give them even less credit. If you want to give someone credit for trying, that’s nice. But people shouldn’t go around expecting people to be nice, especially after they failed something. Well, I can’t generalize too much. There are times when the thought is appreciated. But when I go out tonight completely unprepared even though I tried, my failed attempts at writing jokes isn’t worth shit.

 

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know why I’m struggling so much to write jokes I want to tell. I can hardly even write any blog entries these days. I’ve only been able to write these short little things but at least I wrote something. I actually started writing this hoping to use it on stage but I don’t think I can use any of this. It’s just very heartbreaking to see that maybe I’m really unfit for the job. I wish I could write new stuff but I’m running out of time so I guess I’m going to have to reread my blog in hopes of finding something I can use instead of sitting around twiddling my thumbs and thinking about masturbating and not even doing that for reasons I don’t really know.

 

By the way, I know I’m being hard on myself and I’m not completely screwed for tonight. Last night, I already went through a bunch of joke material I’ve kept and pulled out a few that I’m going to use. I’m just disappointed there isn’t more and that I couldn’t write many new ones.

Micro Penis Phobia

Lately I’ve been parading around the fact that I have a pretty small penis. On a number of occasions, people have tried to cheer me up by telling me to look up micro penises. I still have not looked up micro penis yet. First off, I don’t want to look at a penis, big or small. Secondly, what if it’s bigger than mine? I’m not really afraid of that but I still don’t want to look at any more penises than I have to, and I hope I never have to look at one.