There Are Haters, And Then There Are Assholes.

So… I released a game last week. It’s just a limited release and got over 50k views in a week, blah blah blah. It’s not wildly successful or anything, but it’s nothing to scoff at either. Going in, I knew that the world was full of stupid people but it seems I couldn’t predict how stupid people can get. Stupidity truly knows no bounds. There are a lot of haters who’ll just hate shit for no reason. They’re annoying, but they don’t really bother me much. Haters are like farts. Like a douchebag passing by and farting a cloud in your face. As much as it sucks, it goes away in a few moments. But then there are assholes that are made of pure hate. Unlike haters and their farts, these assholes take a full shit in your house and you have to go out of your way to clean that shit up. Sure, you can ignore the shit and just wait for it to decompose into dust, but that’s not very good. …I’m not sure if the analogy holds up at this point. I also don’t know why I always use shit in my analogies.

Anyway, I encountered a giant asshole today. Right off the bat, the site seemed a little off. Most places probably have less than 10% assholes and the rest of humanity is usually surprisingly pleasant. This site seemed to have at least 90% asshole. I’m slowly putting the pieces together and it kind of makes sense. The site specializes in finding web games, creating cheats for them, and posting the game on their site with the cheats. The staff seems to have the decency to keep my ads within the game, so they’re not “stealing” anything from me. But then I should’ve realized that players who seek out cheats for games have no integrity and that carries over to all aspects of life.

I try to respond to every comment. Whenever I comment, I always want someone to respond to them and I felt like I should deliver that to as many people as possible. If I didn’t care about people reading my comment, then I wouldn’t make the comment at all. If the comment is a little shitty, I still try to respond positively, giving the person the benefit of the doubt. If a comment is really shitty, I just ignore them because I know people are retarded and there’s no point in engaging them. However, one particular comment stuck out to me a little. I could easily just ignore it, but I felt like pissing him off for fun. I can easily detach myself conversation and maybe the drama will draw some people in. Bad publicity is good publicity and all that jazz, you know?

This is the first comment that caught my attention:

Damn tedgaming, are you of such low self esteem that all you have is the desire to troll your a$$ off and making weird almost nonsensical comments towards anyone and everyone? Dude we get it, you “made” this game, and you think it’s top notch.

I responded with this:

What kind of imbecilic retard reads comments and then complains that there are comments? I’m making sure that the game’s working and offering info about the game. Wtf are you doing here? Are you of such feeble mind that you need to female dog about dust?

That last line was a product of the site’s censorship. It was supposed to be “bitch about shit” instead of “female dog about dust”. His response is:

I guess I rest my case. At no time in your incoherent ramblings did you make any sort of sense. Are you Drunk? Drugging? Both? Just do us all a favor and crawl back in that dark hole you call a home, and STFU. Thanks for shopping, bye-bye now…

I respond with: (I hate these I respond, he respond lines, lol.)

I’m sorry that you lack the ability to comprehend logic and simple censorship.

He said:

Just giving u the FYI, it seems that the only person alive that will listen 2 u is urself. I guess marveling @ your own magnificent’s knows no bounds it will continues till one day you realize that ur the only 1 around who will believe ur own bs

Then I said:

If I were a troll, then I would’ve succeeded in trolling you. Touche to you for trolling me too. I don’t get how you can be so blind to that.

He just wrote another response but it’s riddled with grammatical errors and nonsense. I think I broke him. Oh, and I forgot to mention the weirdest part of this. The first comment I quoted was actually this guy’s 2nd comment to my game. His first comment was:

This is a pretty good game. I do like the blood gore, especially when u do headshots or using ur grenades. IDK if it’s ppl’s setup, maybe the reason ppl r having probs w/loading is their web browser. Firefox, or I.E seems 2 b crap w/Larger games.

I expected his kind of behavior from someone who didn’t like the game, but this guy just seems like a total mess. I’m bored with him now. If he tries to instigate shit again and it’s amusing, then I’ll write another blog post about it. He probably won’t be very amusing though.

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Quick Burst of Thoughts

I just realized that when I talk to adults, I refer to my mom as “mommy” which sounds pansy but it’s better than the alternative of calling her a cunt.

 

I hate clubbing but the one part I do enjoy about it is that I can fart freely on the dance floor and no one will know.

 

When adults talk to me, it’s annoying when they say something to me with the presumption that I enjoy playing video games. I don’t. I don’t enjoy anything in life anymore. The only reason I still play games is to numb my mind. Even then, I can barely keep it up. So when they start a conversation saying that I like to play games, I know that I can stop listening right there and start spacing out.

 

Lately, I feel like my weird body hairs are getting longer: armpit hair, nose hair, ear hair, asshole hair, nipple hair, etc…

 

I asked a dude if he would fuck a female bum and was surprised that there was a misunderstanding. That’s when I know I’ve been using the word “bum” for “homeless” too much.

 

I know I’m not gay, but I think I would be willing to give a guy a hand job for as little as $5. There will need to be a couple realistic conditions for me to offer this amazing deal. I wouldn’t have to pretend to enjoy it and I would need to have access to soap and water immediately afterwards. Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. I don’t enjoy touching a dick by any means but c’mon guys, it’s just a dick. That’s much better than touching a shitty asshole. Wait a minute… Does this mean I would rather touch a guy’s dick than a girl’s asshole? Umm… I don’t think I want to think about this anymore…

 

Next topic.

 

It is said that the average man uses 7,000 words a day and the average woman uses 20,000 words a day. Who says that? I just quoted the first site that came up on google. Whatever the amount is, I literally use 0 words on an average day. People should be surprised I’m even capable of speaking.

These are the kinds of random little things I plan to talk about in my podcast that I’m still planning to do. Hopefully this little tease will help get me a couple listeners when I finally make it.

Shit Stories Part XII

There are some words that just sound funny together, like anal leakage. Unfortunately, I don’t actually have a story about that. The closest thing I can think of is still just hypothetical. In Shit Stories Part V, I mentioned that I had wiped some blood from my asshole. I haven’t wiped any more blood since, but if I did, then I would’ve needed to consider using tampons.

I'm high as a kite and have no idea wtf I just read.

I’m high as a kite and have no idea wtf I just read.

The only productive thing I’ve been doing all week is writing these shit stories and this isn’t even productive at all. It’s sad that I actually fantasized about getting laid from these shit stories. There’s 0% chance of that happening and it’s still the closest I’ve ever been to getting laid.

Ted knows as little about sex as we do about basketball.

Ted knows as little about sex as we do about basketball.

There wasn’t really much of a shit story this time. I just wanted to use some more of these pictures since I spent so much time downloading them. Anyway, it’s past midnight and my whole family’s asleep so I shall proceed to use this freedom to entertain myself, feel shitty for several minutes, then entertain myself again.

That's how Ted's going to look when he's waiting his several minutes.

That’s how Ted’s going to look when he’s waiting his several minutes.

Shit Stories Part X: Where Exactly Is My Asshole?

That is a question I ask myself every time I wipe my ass. I want to know this so that I can clean my asshole more effectively. I know where the crack is, that’s obvious, and I know the 5 inch diameter from which I wipe shit. However, I do not know the exact location of my asshole. I could find out by poking around until my finger goes into me but I don’t really want to do that. But if I don’t want to stick my finger in my ass, how would pinpointing the location of my asshole help me clean it better?

You got it down to 5 inches? Lucky.

You got it down to 5 inches? Lucky.

I haven’t poked around my ass too much but if I were to do it, I think I would need to poke upwards, at around 45 degrees. I think that’s the direction that leads inside me. I would be poking upwards as opposed to poking horizontally because that would just be poking where my vagina would be if I were a girl. It’s weird to analyze and write about (and read about) the finer details of an asshole.

45 degrees. Like this.

45 degrees. Like this.

A lot of guys wouldn’t want anything to poke around their assholes because they fear that it might feel gay to have something go up their ass. I’m actually not afraid of the gay part. In fact, writing this blog is actually giving me an urge to try it out. The main thing that’s stopping me is sanitation (or sanity). I don’t want to use my finger because I don’t want to get shit on it. I don’t know how much shit is in a passive asshole and I’m not about to find out with my own naked finger. I don’t want to use disposable gloves because I’m THAT cheap, even though it’s only a couple cents. And I don’t want to use any of my household tools because it would get tainted for life.

Do you want to borrow the vines from my house?

Do you want to borrow the vines from my house?

…Umm… the more I’m writing about this, the more I’m actually curious about fingering my own ass. I shall give strangers on the internet power over my life. If this entry gets more than 100 likes, I will finger my own ass. If it turns out to be a terrible experience, I will have hilarious new material to write about. Even if I don’t get 100 likes, I would probably do it if I read a very convincing testimony. If it turns out that I like it and I don’t have anything funny to say, well, you will have made my shitty life a little better… and gayer. It’s a win-win.

You should try two fingers.

You should try two fingers.

Shit Stories Part VIII: Asshole Hair

Finally, the asshole hair story has arrived. …Actually I take that back. I’m going to delay that story a little more… I hope I’m not inadvertently hyping up that story too much.

Delayed again?

Delayed again?

(edited) I’m often amazed at how young pretty girls (like this one http://acaffeinatedbrunette.com/about/) actually appreciates my shit humor. Too bad that the closest I ever get to these girls is over the safe distant gap of the internet. The thought of a pretty girl laughing at my shit and gaping hairy asshole is a bittersweet image. I should post pictures of gorgeous girls in my Shit Stories to create a wonderful contrast of imagery.

I'm a pretty girl too, right?

I’m a pretty girl too, right?

Hmm… That’s actually not a bad idea. I should post random pictures of pretty girls to my shit stories just for a laugh. It’s hilarious because it subliminally associates these pretty girls to my shit stories. If 10 people likes this entry, I’ll make it happen.

Because of this stupid context I got mixed up in, now it looks like I've having an accident.

Because of this stupid context I got mixed up in, now it looks like I’ve having an accident.

Finally, for real this time: Asshole Hair. I’m asian and don’t have body hair for the most part so it freaks me out to know that I have hair in a place as disgusting as my asshole. Because I can’t actually see it, I have some denial of its existence. Maybe I’m too smart for my own good because I can’t fool myself and I know it’s there. I know it’s real because I can feel it when I scrub my asshole during showers.

I'm asian and scrubbing my hair too. I'm talking about the other hand you can't see.

I’m asian and scrubbing my hair too. I’m talking about the other hand you can’t see.

I’ve been paying more attention to my shits lately to gather material for this blog. (It’s sad that this is what my life has become… a shit blogger…) I was thinking about my asshole hair one day and realized something disgusting about it. When I shit, those asshole hairs are bound to get smeared with fecal matter. And when I wipe, because I’m not wiping each strand of asshole hair individually, there’s no way they’re clean. Does this mean I spend most of my days with traces of shit in my pants? Since I’m not the only one with asshole hair, that means most people are walking around with shit in their pants. For sanitary reasons, I want to get rid of those hairs but there’s no way I can do that on my own; it’s a recipe for a comedic disaster. Maybe I need to pay someone to trim my asshole hair. I feel sorry for whoever has that job.

Does that... does that mean I have shit in my pants too? =(

Does that… does that mean I have shit in my pants too? =(

Explaining “Fucking” In Languge

Sometimes, a saying makes more literal sense than we think. When we saying something is fucking good, we’re saying that it’s as good as sex. When we call someone a fucking jerk, we’re saying that the guy might as well be fucking you. The jerk is fucking you against your will of course so he’s essentially raping you. We better think twice before calling someone a fucking jerk because it’s quite an accusation.

However, I can’t quite figure out the explanation for calling someone a fucking asshole. If there’s some sort of non consensual sexual intercourse happening, the asshole isn’t the one on the offensive. Perhaps the person is an asshole because it was originally consensual sex and I was expecting to be fucking a vagina hole and then part way through I suddenly realize that I was fucking a dude’s ass so that’s why I’m saying “You fucking asshole.” Calling someone a fucking asshole is actually an exclamation of surprise. It’s also important to note that in this scenario, even though the other person’s the asshole, I am an active participant so it’s not the same as the other person being a jerk. Before we call someone a fucking asshole, perhaps we should first re-evaluate our involvement in the conflict.

…Or don’t do any re-evaluating at all because I only wrote this fucking bullshit for fun and there isn’t any profound meaning to extrapolate out of it. Speaking of which, fucking bullshit is as bad as suddenly realizing I’ve been fucking a piece of bull’s shit. I think that pretty much summarizes what you just read.