Making Sense Out of Fiction

A friend of mine showed me an article where the author developed something he called “the pixar theory”. The theory tries to explain how every pixar movie is within the same universe and are all connected. To me, that is a perfect example of someone with way too much time on the hands and trying way too hard to earn people’s approval of his intelligence.

I hate that I'm using this picture so many times but it's just so appropriate to what I'm saying.

I hate that I’m using this picture so many times but it’s just so appropriate to what I’m saying.

So you can chain together similarities between all the movies, big whop.You know what else is similar between all the movies? They’re all animated with computers, they’re all the stories born from human imagination, and they’re all fiction. Fiction means that it’s not real, which means that ANYTHING can happen. If anything can happen, then you can explain anything you want, as long as you want to.

I want to cover myself with snow and freeze half to death to take a artsy picture.

I want to cover myself with snow and freeze half to death to take a artsy picture.

As a creator of stories and things, I like to throw in cameos from my other works just for fun and no other reason whatsoever. Even if pixar claims to have had plans all along, it doesn’t mean it’s true. What do you think a big company would want to do? Would they want to borrow a fan idea, alter it and make it into their own, have that fan shit his pants with joy, and gain free publicity? Or would they rather call that fan a dumbass douche that needs to spend his time doing more important things?

Or do less important things like holding up a fake book about red squares that I'm not even reading because I'm too busy staring at the camera.

Or do less important things like holding up a fake book about red squares that I’m not even reading because I’m too busy staring at the camera.

Have you ever seen an accomplished scientist come up with these extensive movie theories? No, because they’re spending their time doing more important things. If coming up with these theories is so brilliant, why doesn’t the person use that brilliance to actually do something… brilliant.

Do something brilliant like pretending to read a smart book. Look at me, I'm totally reading it. Look how I'm adjusting my glasses because that's how smart people read.

Do something brilliant like pretending to read a smart book. Look at me, I’m totally reading it. Look how I’m adjusting my glasses because that’s how smart people read.

Sorry if I sounded a little harsh on some people. I don’t think I’m better than you or anything. It’s just that I’m an attention-craving bum myself so I know one when I see one.

We don't need to know how to spell because we're hot.

We don’t need to know how to spell because we’re hot.

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Some Messages To My Readers

If this is the first entry you’re reading from my blog, go away. Go read a shit story and then come back.

Comments: Even though I don’t always reply to every comment, I have read and will continue to read each and every one of them. I really enjoy reading them. The reason I might not respond is because I don’t have anything funny to say and I can’t just say a straight thank you. I’m weird like that. That said, a lot of the comments and my responses can be as funny as the main entry so you should check those out too, like the conversation about fleshlights here.

More comments please: I’m an attention whoring little bitch and I want more feedback! This will keep my mind active and in return, I’ll be able to write more funny things for you to read. You won’t believe how much I’m just wasting away my life at the moment. I spent most of today lying in bed and checking my email for new comments. Normally, I would just go masturbate and then feel sad 20 seconds later, but my brother’s home a lot these days so I’ve lost a lot of my masturbatory freedom.

Female readers, want to volunteer a picture of yourself? I’ve started adding pictures of pretty girls to all my shit stories and if you so desire, those could be pictures of you! Along with the picture, you will get a funny caption and a link to your site so you get some free advertising. The captions will not make a joke at your expense. It will be something along the lines of the ones you see here. This and this are examples of ways I will not be using your pictures. If you’re not happy with what I did, you can always ask me to modify or remove it. I’m very reasonable. Don’t be shy. I’ll be gentle.

More Pretty Girls? Have you guys been enjoying the pictures and the accompanying captions? If this entry gets 25 likes, I will add pictures to every entry I write, not just the shit stories.

Don't you want to see me everywhere and not confined to just shit stories?

Don’t you want to see me everywhere and not confined to just shit stories?

Oh, and I just noticed that I missed part ix when I was adding pictures earlier today so I’ve gone back and added them. Go check out what I have to say about myself in the voice of these girls.