My blog may not have a lot of views or followers or make any money for me, but it’s still a success. How? Because I met the love of my life on here as well as many other cool people. Is it too soon to call her the love of my life? Maybe. But at the very least, she’s definitely the love of my life thus far.
What is an article of writing? Technically, any piece of writing is an article of writing. Once upon a time, there was a lot less bullshit and you can back up a fact by saying you read it in an article. But what article did you get your facts from? Some dude’s blog? Get out of here.
Ever since I got an email from wordpress summing up my stats for the year, one thing really stuck to my mind. There was a stat for how many consecutive days I’ve blogged and I got 6. I don’t know how I feel about that number. Considering I never really tried to blog everyday, 6 isn’t a bad number, but it’s definitely not a good number either. Now knowing that that is something they keep track of, I wonder if I should make an effort to raise that number for next year. I feel like that stat did help make me blog more, but not everyday, which is kind of weird.
Time for the random words thing again. First word is canny. This word doesn’t come up often. I usually see the antonym, uncanny. It’s odd how sometimes we would see the prefixed version of a word but not see it used in its base form. …Maybe I just made up that oddity because I can’t come up with another example at the moment. Maybe canny is a word they use more in England or something. Cheeky is one of those I think, at least in my world. I never hear the word cheeky but an English girl called me that today. I think it was a good thing but I can’t tell. The other thing that comes to mind is the uncanny valley but I don’t feel like writing about that right now.
Next word is balac which is not a word…. It sounds like a guy with an over the top Chinese accent trying to say “black”. Alright, I’ve got an embarrassing story about this that I probably shouldn’t tell but fuck it, it’s coming out. I made a couple stupid videos where I played a dumb character with a thick Chinese accent. I will not link it and hopefully you can’t find it since I don’t think I gave you any keywords to search. I won’t write out the whole bit here, but there’s a joke I wrote involving Barack Obama and pronouncing identically to Black Obama with that thick accent, and saying that I should call myself Yellow.
Next word is plenipotent which means to possess full power. That is a really cool definition. Sometimes, I think of reasons for why something is the way it is, and it would make sense, but it would also often have absolutely nothing to do with the real etymology. In this case, I think of it as have plenty of potent. This word also makes me think of Dragon Ball Z, mostly because it was already on my mind because I just found out about Dragon Ball Z XenoVerse today. It comes out February 17 and looks pretty awesome.
I’m going to cut this list short today. I have too many distractions right now. A guy from high school just started talking to me tonight. I’ve shown him the games I’ve been making, we talked about earnings and now he’s showering me with compliments and wants to meet. I will not make a gay joke here, lol. Hearing all these praises really made me realize how little positive energy I had been receiving. (Maybe I should’ve left out that last line….)
I want to get back into the habit of blogging regularly but there’s isn’t always something interesting to say everyday. Yesterday I drank too much vodka and got a little sick. I felt nausea but didn’t throw up. I usually drink straight vodka just to get drunk quicker but it was really hard to do it yesterday. I theorize that maybe because I got purified water in my house now and because I wash my vodka down with water, maybe the purified water is cleansing my pallets too much and making me taste more of the shittiness of vodka. I’m done with vodka for a while. I haven’t had a bad experience with beer yet so now I’m drinking beer (yes, right now as I’m typing this). Sure, it tastes like piss but I’m starting to not mind it so much.
Today was a pretty good day. It started off pretty slow and seemed like it might be a bad day. I watched Rules of Engagement all morning. Even though I like the show, I have a hard time enjoying things these days. Then I messaged a friend and got him to run with me. We don’t really run much. We usually just end up walking and chatting but that’s still pretty good. After I walked him home, I went for a run by myself. I had eaten a lot over the weekend so it was good to burn off some fat. I didn’t eat THAT much, but it was a lot in comparison to what I’ve been eating lately. I actually don’t enjoy eating for the most part but I tend to eat just to not waste food and I eat biggish portions so I don’t have to clean as many plates. Now that I’m trying to lose some weight and look awesome, I’m intentionally eating less which is not difficult for me. But yesterday, we went out for a shitty family birthday dinner for me so I had a little more to eat than I normally do. I also pigged out a little today for some random reason. I think I was able to balance it out with considerable exercise today.
After the run/walk with that one friend, I messaged another friend to hang out. We went to get some beer, had a few, then we went out for dinner and played some ping pong. I met with “Uncle Eddie” who he knows from church. The three of us had dinner and played ping pong. I hadn’t played ping pong for a couple years but I picked it back up pretty quickly. I’m pretty damn good. For a casual player, I’m insanely good. Compared to competitive tournament players, I’d probably fit in one of the lower tiers which is still not bad. I feel somewhat ashamed for being good at ping pong though because I feel like I’m fitting straight into the stereotype of being asian and being good at ping pong and math.
I played some pretty intense ping pong with uncle Eddie. He’s an old asian guy who’s played for many years and I’m a bit better than him so it was really fun and a really good workout since I voluntarily picked up the ball the majority of the time. Now I’m drinking beer and blogging. Getting beer was actually the primary reason I went out with the second friend today and played ping pong. I had a tiny buzz when I met Eddie and I was more chatty and friendly with him than my usual self. I know that I’m sort of at risk of developing mild alcoholism and that it’s bad, but it seems to be doing good in my life so far. At this stage, I know I can easily quit so if someone wants me to stop (I think you know who you are), I can stop and quit drinking right away. Otherwise, I think I’m going to drink (responsibly) for a while until some bad happens.
There were actually quite a number of random little things yesterday I should’ve included but I had forgotten about them. They are really random and really little.
On my walk home from the library yesterday, it had been snowing a lot for hours and snow was gathering up. When I was about to turn into the street where I live, I see a car sliding all over the place and having a hard time gripping the road. When I walked past the car, the driver yelled out the window, “You’re making better time than me!” He said it in a really hill-billy kind of way. That’s all.
You know the stereotype where Asian tourists take pictures of everything? Well I saw some next level stuff yesterday. I have a new next door neighbour and I haven’t talked to the guy yet, but yesterday, from inside my house, I saw him stick a 2L bottle of Nestea in the snow on his driveway and taking pictures of it. It’s like he’s in his own little world. A lot of neighbours were out shovelling the snow but he just did his own thing without caring about anyone else. If I were him, I would’ve done that silly stuff in the backyard or not do such stupid shit at all. I almost envy the way he can ignore the rest of the world like that.
This last one is kind of odd. Well, everything I say and write is kind of odd. The night before last, I went to bed and start dreaming right away. I literally only lied down for less than a minute and I was already dreaming. It was almost as if I was dreaming while still awake, or I just fell asleep super fast. In the dream, I was riding a bike down the street and all of a sudden I fell over. This is was not uncommon based on my last couple weeks of biking and walking to the library in the snow. With snow and ice, sometimes the ground is completely uneven and you can see it through the thick soft snow. As I fell off the bike in the dream, I woke up and my entire body shook as if I just landed from the fall. It was a pretty weird experience. I don’t know what else to say about it. It was just weird.
I promised that I was going to procrastinate from programming with blogging and voila. There really isn’t any paradox with it. I only included it in the title because I’m going to write a bit about a game called The Guided Fate Paradox. Also, it starts with P and I apparently want to alliterate my title. I’m actually not really procrastinating right now. I did try to procrastinate by asking people like Justin to podcast with me but those didn’t happen and I ended finishing all my work instead. That doesn’t mean I was hard working though. I only assigned myself very little work for today and it turned out to be even less than I expected. I finished it in a couple minutes. That’s all the work I’ve done not only for today, but for the past week. I’ve been a major slack off lately. This is still procrastinating though because I create games and I literally have an endless amount of work I can be doing but fuck that, I’m done for today.
Just like the title of this blog entry, the word “paradox” doesn’t fit into the game title at all. If I look online, I’m sure I can find people who can explain what the title means but instead of doing that, I’m just going to bitch about it. The Guided Fate Paradox is simply a bad name all around. That title would only attract people looking for a deep intelligent game with philosophical ideas but when they look at the game and see anime characters and 2D sprites, they would probably be turned off. Or maybe not. I don’t know what people think and I’m just talking shit here but that’s what I think.
The game is a Nippon Ichi Software game and I love all their games. NIS America is the American branch that localizes the games. Disgaea is their most famous series and I just picked up Disgaea D2 from the library today. If I had to describe their game in short, it’s 2D tactical RPGs with hilarious dialogues and a level cap of 9999 instead of the traditional 100 which satisfies my level-grinding needs. There are lots of ways to develop your characters and I really admire that aspect of their games.
Nippon Ichi’s style of games easily does not fit most people’s tastes but it fits my tastes perfectly. I don’t enjoy the 2D graphics, but I don’t mind them. One thing that confused me quite a bit is how few players they have. In this game, there’s a feature where you can check online stats for all the collective players. The game was released half a year ago and it only has less than 13,000 players. Now, that stat is only for players who go online which I don’t know how many ps3 players don’t go online but when you even it out with piracy and people borrowing and reselling games, that number is around the sales number they’ve got. They’re an accomplished game company and off the top of my head I can remember at least 8 of their games that I’ve enjoyed. 13,000 is such a sad number. I think that number is only for North America. I hope so. If it’s worldwide, then it’s really sad. I’m pretty sure the game is much more popular in Japan. I’m sure it’s still profitable for them, otherwise they would stop localizing these games, but I still can’t get over that number.
If I made a game and got those kinds of numbers, I wouldn’t be satisfied with it at all. My last game, Tek Tactical, is kind of a failure and it still got several hundred thousand plays. I know that I’m comparing a shitty free web game to a $60 ps3 game, but I still can’t get over the number of players. I’d like to get viral and popular so it seems I’m actually on the right path right now by making free games. I just gotta actually get my ass working on these games instead of procrastinating all the time.
Anyway, I guess that’s all I’ve got to say about that game for now. The other thing I promised to write about is how I accidentally cooked/burned my thigh. I’ve been boiling water and taking it upstairs to the bathtub. On one of my many trips through the halls of my house, I bumped the empty hot pot into the wall and it hit my thigh. It bounced off my thigh and barely touched it but it’s been two days now and I’ve got this red mark. It looks like one of those red marks as if I pressed my elbow on my thigh for several minutes and when I let go, it’s red. Or when you fall asleep in class and when you wake up, your face has those red marks. It just looks like one of those, except it’s not one of those because this one doesn’t go away after a few minutes and it hurts a little. Funny thing about touching hot things is that you can see how slow the body reacts. If you try to stick your hand in hot water, you can feel an obvious delay before you feel the heat and the need to pull your hand away. On a similar note, sometimes I test how hot something is by just touching it and withdrawing right away. After I’m no longer touching the object, I slowly get a sense of how hot it was when I touched it. I thought about including a picture of my thigh but I got too lazy.
Umm… I don’t think I wrote anything funny in this entire entry. That’s quite a shame. I’ll quote two funny things I heard on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast lately:
When confronted with comparing UFC with human cock fighting, a good response is “Nope, all our fighters wear pants in the UFC.” – Campbell McLaren, co-founder of UFC
“Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser.” – Kron Gracie
I don’t expect anyone to have read my entire blog. It’s too much. But if someone can’t even be bothered to check it out, then that person doesn’t really want to talk to me and I wouldn’t want to talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk to me. If someone does want to talk to me, there’s no reason not to read my blog. What is there to be afraid of? It’s too thought out? Would they be more comfortable with dumbed down conversation? This is all just a pointless rant though because it’s a pretty obvious point I’m making. Ironically, reading my blog can replace the need to talk to me because you’ll pretty much already know everything that’s happening with me.
This reminds me of why I began blogging in the first place. I had originally intended it to be autobiographical and document my entire life. By the time I finished writing and reflecting my life, if it doesn’t make me want to live, then I guess I wouldn’t have much reason to live. At that point, it would serve as a suicidal note for people to read if they question my motives. I would expect most people to not bother reading it or not read the whole thing and it would prove that my life isn’t even worth a few hours of their time.
Well that was depressing. I probably shouldn’t even bother posting this but I’m gonna do it anyway. Let me see if I can end it with a joke to lighten the mood a little: Being depressed is rarely a good thing. The only time I find it useful is when I’m around an annoyingly cheerful person and I watch them awkwardly react to my apathetic ways.
Before I write about the friend, let me do a little hospital update. A new woman got pushed in to occupy the spot next to me. She looks like an old person who looks good for her age. Or maybe she looks old for her age. I wouldn’t know unless I actually know her age which I doubt I’ll find out. There’s not much that’s worth writing about other than the fact that I’m glad I’ve seen a prostitute so that the first boob I’ve ever seen is not the boob of a dying old woman. She was probably operated on recently because she’s naked under the blankets. She tells the nurse that her arm is numb and so I got to see 60% of her boob when they were looking at her arm. She maintained that level of exposure for a long time. I’m not proud to say that I glanced over many times to see if I could see more of the boob. Surprisingly, they were able to keep the nipple perfectly concealed during that entire time. This was not a proud night for me. It would’ve been embarrassing if someone caught me looking and told me to look away.
I feel like anything I say now will have no credibility because I just made myself out to be quite a pathetic perverted loser. Anyway, let me write about this friend that I mentioned in the title. My friendship with him is a bit of an odd one. I met him in high school, in grade 9, when we partnered up for a few science projects. We never chatted in school but we talked quite a bit when I was over at his house working on those projects. We seem like we’re friend-compatible but we never really became friends because neither of us were particularly looking for more friends.
That was pretty much the extent of our interaction in high school. After finishing high school, I got invited out to play soccer, basketball, and other sports quite often because I’m a sporty guy and not a douche and they could always use more players. I met this friend several times during these sport gatherings and we were friendly with each other, but there was no special connection or anything. Within the next 2 years, this guy invited me out to several 1-on-1 activities. We played basketball once, just the two of us. We also played tennis and did 5k runs together several times. I was invited to play Rock Band and other games with him on a number of occasions. I never initiate contact though. He does the inviting every time and I say yes to it every time.
I never thought anything of it but when I think back on those days, it almost seems like he’s making an effort to befriend me and I just go along with it, without putting in any effort of my own. One time, he even invited me to go swimming with him, just the two of us, at night, at his uncle’s condo. In retrospect, that almost sounds like a gay experience. There was nothing gay about it though. We never touched each other, not even accidentally or “accidentally”. I also knew that he had a girlfriend so it didn’t cross my mind that the whole thing might’ve seemed a little gay.
About a year ago, he invited me out to brunch, just the two of us. Okay, I made that sound gay on purpose. It wasn’t actually brunch. It was dim sum which is a Chinese meal between breakfast and lunch so it’s kind of like brunch except it doesn’t have any of the romantic connotations. Chinese restaurants are not romantic at all. I agreed to go at first but for one reason or another, I bailed out in the end. I don’t remember the detail, but it wasn’t a firm “date” and I already ate lunch by the time he contacted me that day. I also didn’t have a car that day. He didn’t offer to drive and I didn’t ask because it wasn’t like I really wanted to go anyway.
This past Saturday, I saw him posting on facebook, asking if anyone wanted to have dim sum with him on Sunday. No one responded and I know exactly how sucky it feels to post something on facebook that everyone ignores so I decided to reach out and ask if he wanted to go with me. He said sure, so I figured we had a “date”. I tried to set up a tentative time with him but he didn’t respond. He continued to not respond until Sunday evening when he said, “Sorry, I had dim sum with my girlfriend. We’ll go next time.”
Is it just me or was that pretty shitty of him? He should’ve at least had the decency to tell me if he was going to cancel instead of making me wait around all day. This is really starting to sound like some gay relationship drama. Not that he’s done this to me before (or at least not that I remember), but it seems all my friends have done this kind of shit to me. Not only do they cancel plans, they play these stupid bitch-hunting games where they don’t respond. Fuck this shit. I don’t need “friends” like these. Is it any wonder why I dislike people as much as I do? Everyone around me behaves so damn disrespectfully.
Note: There are certain things that make more sense to read on the scans but the transcript is edited and better written. So I’m basically forcing you to read everything twice or more likely, this stuff won’t make sense. …Without a scanner, I took pictures of the scans with my aunt’s samsung galaxy. It worked alright but I didn’t put enough effort to make it look good. This whole blog is a bust… When things are going wrong like this, I just want to call it quits, lol…
It seems I’ll be spending a lot of time in the hospital for the next few weeks. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt or anything; I’m not the patient. I’m just driving my uncle to the hospital to do dialysis. He has to go 3 times a week and they’re 5 hour sessions. That’s a lot of time for me to sit around so I figured I’d write blog entries while I’m here. I’m writing these old fashion onto a piece of paper. If I had a laptop with me, I wouldn’t be writing freaking blogs for 5 hours.
I will describe the nature of these posts in a bit. For now, I want to take note of this very annoyed patient that’s beside me. In appearance, he’s a grumpy old white man. The first thing I heard out of him was him asking a nurse how much longer he had to wait until his dialysis will begin. The nurse paused for a long time to think of an answer while maintaining a friendly smile. She told him she doesn’t know for sure, maybe 15 minutes. I thought that was a fair answer. If she doesn’t know, she doesn’t know, and she still gave him an estimate to the best of her ability. The grumpy guy tried to bitch about the long wait and the nurse immediately told him, “I’m not your nurse” and walked away. I thought that was brilliant.
These are the kinds of stories you can expect out of this hospital blog series. I don’t know how many variations of grumpy patient stories will pop up so most of it will just be what you normally see from my blog. I will try to scan these papers I’m writing on. The only reason for that is because I’m about to bitch about my handwriting. I wish I had prettier handwriting. If I try really hard to make it look neat, it still looks kind of retarded. It’s fine but it doesn’t look good and I want it to look good. I’m not an artist and I don’t really want to be an artist, but for some reason, I think of myself as sort of an artist. I don’t draw often, but every time I try, I’m a lot better than the previous time I try, without any practice in between.
Half the time I draw stuff, it looks pretty awesome. However, the other half of the time it looks like a retarded kid drew it. I will demonstrate by attempting to draw a dog… (refer to image)
Okay, that actually didn’t turn out so bad considering I’ve never drawn a dog before. There was a situation a while ago where a kid asked me to draw a dog. I froze and was unable to draw anything. I thought it would turn out more like this: (refer to image) I know these aren’t amazing drawings by any stretch of the imagination, but I think they’re pretty good for a non-artist.
A couple years ago, I applied to a few colleges for animation and game design. I was required to have a portfolio and they said it was okay to draw anime characters so I drew a few. Two of them look really good (especially by non-artist standards) and the rest were kind of crap but they were still alright. You can see them here. (After hyperlinking it, I don’t know how I feel about these pictures anymore. Maybe there’s just 1 good one, lol.)
…This turned into a mini self promoted art gallery but that wasn’t my original point. I went from handwriting to art because I have some form of mild artistic proficiency but I’m unable to translate that into writing. Why can’t I write as good as I draw? It’s essentially the same thing if I focus purely on making it look good, but I can’t do it. Let me try again… Nope… (That makes more sense when you look at the scans.)
Anyway, the grumpy old guy is still bitching about the same shit. I feel bad that people like him exist. Either he doesn’t know that he’s ruining other people’s days or he doesn’t give a shit that he’s ruining them. Either way, his presence is no good. Now I feel a little guilty for that rant because he just thanked a nurse for bringing him a blanket like a normal decent human being. (Sketch of grumpy guy) That’s what the grumpy guy looks like. Imagine all the hair being white. I don’t know how I would draw white hair with a pencil. …I surprise myself at how well the sketch turned out. Again, I know it’s not brilliant but at least it doesn’t look like the shit that I expected to turn out. I expected it to look like this: (crappy shit sketch)
I tried to take a picture of the grumpy guy. The only camera I had on me was my ps vita so I tried using it. I pointed the camera towards him and right before taking the picture, I decided to point it down to test and see if it makes the stupid camera sound. Turns out, the vita makes a super loud camera sound at max volume even though I muted it and plugged in headphones. Good thing I did the test, otherwise it would’ve been super obvious that I took a picture. I couldn’t figure out how to turn the sound off and it can’t zoom so it was just a piece of shit. I later tried to use the vita to take pictures of the scans to email it to myself but it turns out the vita camera is super low res and you can’t read the text. Pure piece of shit…
I want to be loved. I think that’s a normal emotion to have. I’m not a super needy person so I don’t bother anyone in my real life about this need for love. If anything, I would’ve given the impression that I don’t want their love and want to be left alone. I don’t expect people to love me for no reason. That’s why I present people with my offerings of creating content: games, blogs, podcasts. I provide you with some funny shit and you show me some love in return. Pretty fair trade I’d say.
Unfortunately, I’m not THAT brilliant. I can’t just magically create content in seconds. Heck, I often don’t create content for days and weeks and months and years. And sometimes I write shitty sentences like that last one. Of the three types of content I’ve listed, creating games is the hardest one. It’s the hardest, the most frustrating, the most time consuming, and most people don’t give a shit about it. It’s by far the least efficient content if I’m solely looking for love. But it’s the only one that makes money so I can’t just abandon it. It also gets the most views. There are way too many blogs and podcasts so it’s hard capture an audience but a great new game will still get a lot of attention, at least initially when it’s new. I seemed to have lost track of the point I was making and just started listing random facts about games.
Anyway, if I’m looking at a quick dose of love, making a game isn’t the way to go. So I’m left with blogging and podcasting. Blogging’s well and good, but I feel like I need to have more than two lines to say about something before I write about it. Writing also feels like more work because I feel obligated to refine it. I need to proofread and make sentences flow, otherwise, it would just be shit that hurts people to read and I wouldn’t get love from that anyway. That’s why podcasting seems like the best medium if I want to create content but don’t feel particularly motivated to do a lot of work. With podcasts, I don’t need to nor am I expected to edit it. I can talk about smaller topics that I only have two lines to say about, like nuclear pants. It sounds like nuclear plants but it’s not and it sounds silly. That’s all I have to say about it. I can’t write a whole blog entry on that. I snuck it in here but look at how much crap I wrote just to squeeze that in. Podcasting isn’t exactly easy either but I feel like once I get used to talking more, it CAN become easy.
…Everything you read just now is kind of bullshit. It’s not bullshit because they’re not true, but it was kind of an extended exercise of beating around the bushes. The real reason I want to do more podcasts is because a very special person tells me she loves my accent. Okay, that might’ve sounded a bit cliche and creepy and weird, given the context that I will not be providing. I think she gets it though. We kinda talked about this. You get it, right? As for trying to get love, can anything be easier than talking with my natural accent?
Okay, so I explained why I want to do more podcasts. Why don’t I do it then? Well, that’s because of my current living situation. I hate repetition so I hate that I’ve repeated this so many times in my blog already. I’m going to skip the detail and assume you’ve read my previous posts. Too bad for new readers. This is true wherever I’m living, but especially because I’m living at my aunt’s, I don’t want to cause unnecessary disturbance. I think sitting in the corner and seemingly talking to myself would be considered pretty disturbing. There’s one hour a week that no one else is home. It’s one of the days that my uncle has to do dialysis. If I could only do one hour of podcasting a week, that wouldn’t be so bad considering I naturally do much less than that anyway. However, I’m a nice guy and I’m supposed to be helping out and I can help out by driving them to the hospital. When I drive, I can drop them off at the door and pick them up at the door which is a lot more helpful than it sounds due to their current situation. So now, I basically have to choose between helping out my aunt who doesn’t NEED my help but could definitely benefit from it, or I can selfishly seek love from putting out podcasts. Despite how much of an asshole I may appear to be, I’m actually a nice guy. As a nice guy, I’ve gotta drive them to the hospital. That is why I can’t make any podcasts. I’ll try to find some other time to do it. For now, I’m stuck with blogging. Even though I idiotically laugh at my own sentences, I sit in the corner and silence my laughters so it doesn’t draw any attention. From behind, it’ll just look like I’m shivering which makes sense because I exclusively wear shorts and t-shirts despite how cold it gets. I feel like I can go on and expand on many tangents here but I won’t. I’ll just stop this here. This is starting to feel like my podcasts, the way I never know how to end it and just keep saying it over and over again in different ways. Okay… End.