Strip My Night Away

I don’t really like that title but oh well. The more straightforward title is My First Stripclub Experience. Yes, I went to my first stripclub today. For a depressed guy who usually doesn’t do shit all day, today was actually quite eventful. First, I did almost 4 hours of podcasting with MrJohnson. That alone would have already made the day stand out, but then Justin decided to invite me out to go to Niagara casino with him. He offered to pay for food and expenses as long as I drive to his house first so I decided to take advantage of the kind offer.

I attempted to record a podcast during the car ride but it didn’t turn out too well so I probably won’t be uploading it. As usual, I make gay jokes about myself, talk openly about sex (or the lack thereof), and told them about the recent fat hooker experience. They realized that I haven’t seen live boobs of a pretty girl yet so they decided to drop by the stripclub before going to the casino. This was my first time going to a stripclub. It was fine, but nothing to get crazy about. The mere proximity of some pretty boobs weren’t exactly going to cure my depression. Maybe if a girl I really like presented her boobs just for me, that might help with my depression but that’s a whole different fantasy altogether.

I didn’t even get hard at all, but that was because I didn’t try to get hard. But then if I do try to get hard, I could do it without having hot girls around. Justin wanted to buy me a lap dance but we went in when the club was going to close in half an hour and he said I should pick a girl I really want. There was one girl that caught my eye. In fact, I pretty much stared at her the whole time. I probably seemed really pervy because she was at the table right next to mine and I just kept staring. But then again, I was at a stripclub so it doesn’t really matter that I seem pervy. I didn’t end up getting a lap dance because she was busy with a rich guy the whole time. I basically spent my first time at a stripclub staring at a dude.

There are a few other things I could write about but I’m going to skip ahead. We left the stripclub and I needed to pee. Just for fun, I decided to pee in the snowpile in the middle of a cul-de-sac. Then we went to the casino and my friends proceeded to lose a bunch of money. I had no intention to gamble so I didn’t gamble and didn’t lose any money and didn’t have to feel shitty about that. On the ride back, I had a long and repetitive talk with Justin and now it seems I might be dabbling in android game development very soon, like right after posting this entry, as long as I don’t lose my motivation which could very well happen. Tonight, I saw some boobs and possibly got some motivation to work, can’t say it was a bad night.

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Hospital Blog: Let Down By Friend Again

Before I write about the friend, let me do a little hospital update. A new woman got pushed in to occupy the spot next to me. She looks like an old person who looks good for her age. Or maybe she looks old for her age. I wouldn’t know unless I actually know her age which I doubt I’ll find out. There’s not much that’s worth writing about other than the fact that I’m glad I’ve seen a prostitute so that the first boob I’ve ever seen is not the boob of a dying old woman. She was probably operated on recently because she’s naked under the blankets. She tells the nurse that her arm is numb and so I got to see 60% of her boob when they were looking at her arm. She maintained that level of exposure for a long time. I’m not proud to say that I glanced over many times to see if I could see more of the boob. Surprisingly, they were able to keep the nipple perfectly concealed during that entire time. This was not a proud night for me. It would’ve been embarrassing if someone caught me looking and told me to look away.

I feel like anything I say now will have no credibility because I just made myself out to be quite a pathetic perverted loser. Anyway, let me write about this friend that I mentioned in the title. My friendship with him is a bit of an odd one. I met him in high school, in grade 9, when we partnered up for a few science projects. We never chatted in school but we talked quite a bit when I was over at his house working on those projects. We seem like we’re friend-compatible but we never really became friends because neither of us were particularly looking for more friends.

That was pretty much the extent of our interaction in high school. After finishing high school, I got invited out to play soccer, basketball, and other sports quite often because I’m a sporty guy and not a douche and they could always use more players. I met this friend several times during these sport gatherings and we were friendly with each other, but there was no special connection or anything. Within the next 2 years, this guy invited me out to several 1-on-1 activities. We played basketball once, just the two of us. We also played tennis and did 5k runs together several times. I was invited to play Rock Band and other games with him on a number of occasions. I never initiate contact though. He does the inviting every time and I say yes to it every time.

I never thought anything of it but when I think back on those days, it almost seems like he’s making an effort to befriend me and I just go along with it, without putting in any effort of my own. One time, he even invited me to go swimming with him, just the two of us, at night, at his uncle’s condo. In retrospect, that almost sounds like a gay experience. There was nothing gay about it though. We never touched each other, not even accidentally or “accidentally”. I also knew that he had a girlfriend so it didn’t cross my mind that the whole thing might’ve seemed a little gay.

About a year ago, he invited me out to brunch, just the two of us. Okay, I made that sound gay on purpose. It wasn’t actually brunch. It was dim sum which is a Chinese meal between breakfast and lunch so it’s kind of like brunch except it doesn’t have any of the romantic connotations. Chinese restaurants are not romantic at all. I agreed to go at first but for one reason or another, I bailed out in the end. I don’t remember the detail, but it wasn’t a firm “date” and I already ate lunch by the time he contacted me that day. I also didn’t have a car that day. He didn’t offer to drive and I didn’t ask because it wasn’t like I really wanted to go anyway.

This past Saturday, I saw him posting on facebook, asking if anyone wanted to have dim sum with him on Sunday. No one responded and I know exactly how sucky it feels to post something on facebook that everyone ignores so I decided to reach out and ask if he wanted to go with me. He said sure, so I figured we had a “date”. I tried to set up a tentative time with him but he didn’t respond. He continued to not respond until Sunday evening when he said, “Sorry, I had dim sum with my girlfriend. We’ll go next time.”

Is it just me or was that pretty shitty of him? He should’ve at least had the decency to tell me if he was going to cancel instead of making me wait around all day. This is really starting to sound like some gay relationship drama. Not that he’s done this to me before (or at least not that I remember), but it seems all my friends have done this kind of shit to me. Not only do they cancel plans, they play these stupid bitch-hunting games where they don’t respond. Fuck this shit. I don’t need “friends” like these. Is it any wonder why I dislike people as much as I do? Everyone around me behaves so damn disrespectfully.

Ungratefulness

I can appear ungrateful at times. It’s not because I’m depressed or that I’m douchebag. I’m probably not any less grateful than anyone else. It’s all about what the individual values. I’m living at my aunt’s house right now and she’s making me breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Sometimes it would take quite a bit of time and effort to make these meals. I try to say thanks, but it’s really, REALLY forced. I simply don’t feel very thankful for the food. I feel a little thankful, but not very much. I’m not complaining that the food tastes bad or that I’m godly and don’t need to eat or anything. I’m not picky about food, at all. I know that I get more enjoyment out of frozen foods and they take less effort to make so proper meals just feel like wasted effort. I’m also a pretty badass defroster.

Okay, so far, I just made myself sound like an asshole. Now let me turn the table around. My aunt doesn’t play or appreciate video games. I have a shit load of top notch video games ready for her to access. At the snap of a finger, I can let her play the best games on the best systems, a privilege that many people don’t get. She’s even less grateful for this than I am of food. I’m not saying she needs to be grateful about it. She doesn’t. She couldn’t give less of a shit about video games and that’s perfectly fine. In fact, it’s normal. Video games is a bit of an extreme example and I didn’t prepare them just for her. But I’ve also prepared access to Chinese TV and movies on my computer that she’s not using and isn’t grateful of. I hate Chinese shit so that’s not for me at all. Again, I’m not saying she needs to be grateful about it. But just as she’s not grateful about these, I shouldn’t have to be grateful about food.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not crazy retarded. I do understand that there’s a bit of a difference between constant daily meals and media. But the difference in gratitude is a lot less than what you might first assume. I’m also not just making excuses to be douchey. I’ve been voluntarily doing all the dishes. It’s not exactly an equal exchange for the meals, but at least it’s better than not doing the dishes. And it’s not like I can’t be a very grateful person. It’s just that no one has ever given me what I want. If a girl ever offers me sex or cuddling, I’d be super grateful, so grateful that I’ll probably make it awkward. No one has ever offered me that so it’s no surprise that I’m not very grateful of life. Heck, if my cousins gave me full tit access, that would already get me to maximum gratefulness. …One day, I should stop talking about incest.

Sexual Desire to Live

I don’t know why I make these weird titles because I don’t even like them. They’re like 1% clever but that’s exactly what it is. 1% is a horrible fail. It’s retard level…

Anyway, this one’s about sexual desire and the desire to live. Most guys I know go crazy for girls and it looks kinda pathetic to me, to the point that it pisses me off. It’s not that I don’t understand horniness because believe me, I do. It’s people’s inability to control it that bothers me. Why do most people have so little control of it? When I go to the bank and see people handling a wad of money, of course I’d like to have that in my hands but that doesn’t mean I’m going to steal it. Most men can resist the money and yet they can’t resist the pussy.

 

If I didn’t perform …physical maintenance on my body as often as I do, I’m sure I’d be crazy for pussy too. But because I can achieve self satisfaction, I don’t see what all the fuss over puss is all about. I just woke up from a weird dream and it’s interesting to see myself do what I preach… or I guess I’m just imagining what I preach since it’s just a dream. The dream starts off with me hiding out in a building, not being able to sleep because a war is starting the next day. It felt like a zombie-esque environment, where people band together and barricade in buildings except we were fighting off soldiers instead of zombies. Eventually, I’m in a group with a number of girls. I was sitting in a swivelling computer chair and the girls walk past me in the nude, about to take a shower. For some reason, them walking past me in the nude was socially natural (in the dream) but I reached out to squeeze a boob as they pass me and I immediately apologized for being inappropriate. The girl told me I didn’t need to be sorry and that it was reassuring to her that she was still desirable. So I continued to squeeze their boobs as they walked past me, all 3 of the girls. After they’ve passed, I jerked off with that hand and resumed defending my position.

 

“What the fuck did I just read?” is probably what most of you are thinking. Look, it was a dream and certain things don’t always make sense. What was the point of this? Just the fact that even in my dreams, I was happy enough with masturbation that sex wasn’t necessary. I’m not saying sex is bad. If you have a stable partner to do it with, go and have all the fun you want; why the heck are you even reading this crap? I’m just annoyed at people who make it their life’s work to chase pussy down. In the dream, I even made a speech that the girls should make it their top priority not to have vaginal intercourse with the guys. They can fool around all they want, but getting pregnant would be a major inconvenience when we’re under attack and need to escape. If they don’t mind getting left behind, then go and have sex. As a person lacking a desire to live, I can understand the notion of not minding getting left behind, but I just felt like I needed to warn them about what they would be getting themselves into.

 

Okay, I should stop talking about this stupid dream now. Ultimately, I find that I have a less vaginal-sexual desire than most men. Sure I’ve got hormones but there are much more efficient ways to deal with them. As a person with more control of himself, it’s sad to see other people run around on their chases. But am I any better? Probably not. I’m probably far worse off. I am controlling my sexual desires as much as I control my desire to live comfortably and my desire to live altogether. Most people would look at my apathetic ways and I’d be the pathetic looking one. I’m just going in circles now… The only conclusion out of all this is that I don’t like people and I have weird-ass dreams.