Lacking Desires: Truth or Excuse?

I always say that I’m depressed and I use my lack of desire for anything as my reason to not do anything. I wonder how much of it is true and how much of it is just an excuse I give myself to not do anything. I’d like to think that I’m very honest with myself but I also know that it’s possible to completely trick oneself into believing something that’s not true. I don’t have any recent examples of that. Either I’m very honest with myself or I live inside an insane bubble.

I can only remember one example where I’ve tricked myself into believing something that’s not real. When I was in preschool, my parents made me learn to use an abacus. Yes, very mathy, very asian. The first thing you learn is how to represent numbers on the device, and then the next thing is to add. An early exercise they get you to practise is to start at 1, then add 2, then add 3, all the way to 100 and if you did it correctly, it should result in 5,050. (I could be wrong about the number, I pulled that out of memory and I’m too lazy to find out if I remembered correctly.) So anyway, the part where I tricked myself is that I would pretend to add all 100 numbers super quickly, within 10 seconds. That’s insanely fast. I’m sure there was a lot of influence from dragonball z to try to perform superhuman feats. It got to the point where I truly believed I was doing it and my mom made me show the teachers and I did it for them and they called bullshit on me.

I wonder if I was really faking it because I know I believed it. When I look at it objectively, I find it hard to believe that I performed all those additions within such short time so I’m pretty sure I was bullshitting it. But I can’t be 100% sure. What if I was actually some insane asian math genius and the adults around me stifled the shit out of me by calling me a little bullshitter. I’m sure I’m no genius, but sometimes I wonder what if…

I guess that’s the kind of self-ego-masturbatory thing I do when I’m bored. I haven’t let myself get bored in a while. Usually, I just lie down, listen to podcasts, and waste my days away. But yesterday, I unofficially moved in to my cancerous uncle’s house to help out around the house. Although I’m not actively assigned any tasks or responsibilities, I’m pretty sure I’m expected to be awake during normal hours and be aware if an accident happens. So now I feel like I can’t sleep off more weeks of my life. I’m still wasting my time, I just can’t waste it on sleep. Since I’m slacking off from my game development, I might try to write more for the blog again. The motivation to write will probably be short-lived and I’ll probably just ramble on about a bunch of crap, but I guess it’s keeping me busy for now…

So This Just Happened…

I don’t know if followers get email notifications for each new post I make. If so, I apologize for posting 3 entries in a row. Actually I don’t really feel sorry but I felt like it was the right thing to write. Anyway, here’s a shitty snippet from my life of something that just happened:

I’m buying a computer from a friend and my dad wanders into the room and was randomly cocky and condescending in asking me about the computer. He asked if my friend is charging me more than retail. That is the dumbest ass question a person can ask. What kind of response does he expect? “Oh shit I forgot to take that into consideration. Thanks for saving me a ton of money!” No.

I didn’t need to respond to that and then he continued interrogating me. Keep in mind that he’s a computer illiterate person who only uses computers to check emails. He asks if it’s faster than his computer and if it’s an hp or dell computer. I told him it was custom built. After hearing my answer, my dad got pissed and stormed out of the room. Yes, this is the kind of random bullshit I have to live with. Expounding the situation only makes it sound more retarded. My dad probably got pissed because he felt dumb and couldn’t sustain his unjustified cockiness. Why the fuck would a person even feel smart for naming hp and dell brands?

Bullshit Parents

Every time I complained about my parents in the blog so far, I titled it rant or complaint but I think “Bullshit Parents” might become another multi part entry. I keep trying to think of how to justify myself to people who might write me off as the bad guy but fuck it. I’m just going to start bitching.

Yesterday morning, at 4am, my mom tells me I need to call the government again to follow up on the tax fiasco that needs fixing. I mentioned this story before and I had said that I’m not going to write about it because it’s boring and I will continue to not write about it. Suffice to say, there was an error somewhere between the bank and government and I’m the one who ends up suffering. I’ve already sent all required documents to fix it and they’re taking their time to do it over months. So at 4am, my mom bitched at me to tell me to call them again to follow up. I keep telling her that there’s nothing to follow up on. The last time I called, they just said someone else is still currently working on it and all I can do is wait. My mom thinks that nagging gets results, both with me and the government but I prove her wrong in both instances. She says I need to find the name of the person working on it and keep following up so they work on it faster aka nag them to death. There was a lot of yelling and screaming about this bullshit. I try to explain to her how it’s completely pointless and even if I know Obama’s the one responsible doing something, if I can’t reach him, I’m just barking up the wrong tree. And guess how she responds? “Oh Baba’s the name of the person responsible? Let me write down that name (and have you call her)” I repeat fuckin’ Obama and she still doesn’t get it. I explain that it’s an example and she’s a dumbass for not getting it. She responds “I didn’t know you were out to trick me.” What the fuck… How do you talk to retards? I wouldn’t know. There was a lot more of this stupid shit but they don’t transcribe well to writing (neither does whatever the fuck I just wrote).

Now this morning, just now, my dad asks me for the 4th time if I’ve checked the route to the casino where he’ll be bringing my aunt to, 4 months from now. The first time he asked, I was going to just fuckin’ do this pointlessness because it takes seconds to do but he told me not to do it because it’s still months away. Yet he insists on asking me to do it 3 more times, but at the same time telling me not to do it yet. “Ted should do it when it’s convenient” is probably what he’s thinking but the whole thing is a fuckin’ inconvenience. Normally, I literally don’t respond to my parents but this morning, I stupidly decided to respond and told him that it takes seconds to do so there’s no need to do it months in advance. Just tell me when you need it. Sure I was irritated. Who wouldn’t be? Then he says “Hah, I got you to reveal your true colors you irritable and hot tempered person.” He continues to say that I am autistic and can’t function in society and that I should be nicer to him because he’s already as good to me as can be. Right… a dad who frames me as autistic and provokes me for no reason is as good as can be. What a great way to kick off mother’s day weekend. I think I ranted for the past two weekends too. Every weekend starts this fuckin’ way…

Explaining “Fucking” In Languge

Sometimes, a saying makes more literal sense than we think. When we saying something is fucking good, we’re saying that it’s as good as sex. When we call someone a fucking jerk, we’re saying that the guy might as well be fucking you. The jerk is fucking you against your will of course so he’s essentially raping you. We better think twice before calling someone a fucking jerk because it’s quite an accusation.

However, I can’t quite figure out the explanation for calling someone a fucking asshole. If there’s some sort of non consensual sexual intercourse happening, the asshole isn’t the one on the offensive. Perhaps the person is an asshole because it was originally consensual sex and I was expecting to be fucking a vagina hole and then part way through I suddenly realize that I was fucking a dude’s ass so that’s why I’m saying “You fucking asshole.” Calling someone a fucking asshole is actually an exclamation of surprise. It’s also important to note that in this scenario, even though the other person’s the asshole, I am an active participant so it’s not the same as the other person being a jerk. Before we call someone a fucking asshole, perhaps we should first re-evaluate our involvement in the conflict.

…Or don’t do any re-evaluating at all because I only wrote this fucking bullshit for fun and there isn’t any profound meaning to extrapolate out of it. Speaking of which, fucking bullshit is as bad as suddenly realizing I’ve been fucking a piece of bull’s shit. I think that pretty much summarizes what you just read.