Think Dammit, Think

I guess I have what’s called a writer’s block. It feels a bit self-aggrandizing to call it that because that implies I have some sort of goal, which I don’t. My path can’t be blocked if I’m not going anywhere. I’m pretty sure a couple posts ago I said I was going to write about Shadow of Mordor and The Last Of Us but I didn’t end up doing that. Maybe I should finally write about them. Maybe I won’t. …I probably won’t.


Because of my lack of writing goals, I don’t really mind my writer’s block much. What sucks more is when I have talker’s block. (…I don’t like the way that term came out but I’m just going to leave it.) I would like to believe that I’m an interesting and thoughtful person but these blocks serve as empirical evidence to prove otherwise.


Sometimes, I think that I ought to be able to come up with something interesting about anything so I should just take a look at what’s around me. But I don’t like that because I’m pretty much going to have the same shit on my desk all the time. If only there’s a random word generator to generate topics for me. … …A simple google search provided me that exact tool.


The first word that came up was strophius. Apparently that’s some dude from trojan times. That reminds me of when I randomly took a second year Greek Mythology class back in university. I have no interest in the topic and I know next to nothing about it but I took that class because I thought it might be fun to take a class with people I know. I didn’t go to many classes in first year so I didn’t make many friends from classes, which was one less reason to go to those classes. Most people go to classes to learn but I guess that didn’t really cross my mind. I spent all my days at the gym and recreation room and made lots of friends there. A bunch of them were taking that Greek Mythology class so I decided to take it with them. I thought that taking a class with people I know might be fun but it turned out to be disappointingly not much fun. It was still a class after all. I eventually stopped going to classes and considering how I learned nothing, I’m surprised I was able to pass the course with an okay grade. If there was a textbook to study, I would’ve been fine. But I didn’t have a sense of direction of what I was even supposed to study, probably because I didn’t go to classes. I somehow randomly studied some of the right material and I had aced the creative assignment so it all worked out. …except for the course fee I spent on a course that didn’t matter at all.


Next word is explore. The first thing that came to mind was sexual exploration. I don’t really have much to say on the topic but I guess it shows where my head is all the time.


Next up is concurrency. I thought it had something to do with currency at first but upon looking it up, I found out what it actually means. I’m ashamed of myself on 2 levels. It’s a computer science term so I should’ve known that but also, I know the word concurrently so I just failed as a computer scientist and as an English word forming person, um, a writer. I don’t know if I should try to expand on this word or just leave it. I can’t do both concurrently.


Paramedic is the next word. The first thing that comes to mind is the time when I was living with my uncle who was dying of cancer and there were a few interactions with paramedics during that time. I remember feeling somewhat disappointed after seeing them work. They didn’t do anything wrong, but there were little things like the fact that many of them were students or when I see them standing around in the hospital, occasionally making awkward small talk with one another, their co-workers, and then going to vending machines to grab snacks. That did not make their job seem as urgent and heroic as I had in my mind. They didn’t do anything wrong. I just had some dumb false image of them, probably influenced by media, because I only see them on TV when they’re responding to whatever the plot of the show is.


Another somewhat interesting thought on paramedics that might is worth sharing is something I heard on a podcast. I think it was The Todd Glass Show. I think it came up in conversation when someone was talking about the same mild disappointment I had with paramedics. They were saying that in your mind you would think that paramedics would be running around all the time to do things quickly because time is of the essence. But in real life, they just walk. They’re not wasting time and dilly-dallying while they’re walking, but they’re still just walking. Once again, they’re not doing anything wrong, but it’s just interesting how there’s a slight mismatch between our conception of what paramedics are and what they really are. The podcast also mentioned that the paramedics always walk except when there’s a baby involved. Then they run. I guess that’s good? I don’t really have anything to conclude this thought.


Finally, the last word is endomorph. Even though it’s a scientific term, the definition sounds like it was written by a bully. It’s basically just saying that some people are born round and fat. Even if they starve and lose most of their body fat, they’ll still be round and wide. It sounds like they want to tag that by saying these people will never be hot models so they may as well give up on life.


That’s the 5 random words I got. This was sort of fun: rambling about random words. Maybe I’ll do that again. I’ll see.

Rant and Wonder

It seems that every so often I decide that I get a little fed up with my parents’ bullshit and I vent about it online. This is another one of those times. About a year ago, I started listening to a lot of podcasts and nowadays, I listen to it on my psp. My hearing is adequate but I wish the psp could go a little louder because sometimes when there are other noises around me, I miss a word or two. It’s audible, but it’s not loud by any measure of the word. Three times now, my dad has wandered towards me and asked me why I have to listen to my things so loudly. Apparently, barely audible is too loud. Then I put my headphones on and my mom nags that I shouldn’t always wear headphones because it’ll make my deaf. Groundless non-fact babbled at me that completely contradicts what the other parent just said. And somehow, they actually don’t realize their own fucked up parenting. Either that, or they notice it but they try to ignore it and not address it because they know they are bad parents and they’re not trying to change that. Not long after, my dad would tell me to cheer up and not be so frustrated with myself and that I’m the only one annoying myself. There are clearly two external forces actively annoying me and yet I don’t know how he’s completely blind to it.

I’m forced to ignore all these retardedness because telling them would accomplish nothing. No wait, I take that back. Telling them off would actually accomplish giving them a reason to hate me and kick me out of the house and I’m not necessarily ready to be homeless or catalyze my prison plan yet. I’ve long since mentally prepared myself for homelessness and come to terms to it, as much as any sane, first-world person can, but I don’t want to actively trigger the event.

Now you might wonder what the “wonder” part of the title refers to. I was playing Dragon Ball Z Ultimate Tenkaichi and just fought Racoome. Racoome is kind of a retard but I just noticed that he’s also kind of flamboyantly gay. That’s when I started wondering about the existence of people who are gay AND retarded. I don’t think I’ve seen any, but they’re bound to exist. People (like me) often make fun of gay people and people (like me) often make fun of retarded people but I don’t think we combine them often enough. Obviously, I recognize that what I just wrote sounds kind of wrong, but it only sounds wrong and isn’t actually very wrong. Louis CK says it very well in this clip: I think that’s from his special Shameless and it’s really funny and I can’t recommend highly enough for you to watch it. If you get any enjoyment out of reading my writing, you must watch that one minute clip because he says it so well. Even if you don’t enjoy my writing, you should watch it anyway because Louis CK is better than me; his fame and fortune and my lack of fame and fortune is evidence of that. We make fun of gay people not because of their homosexuality, but because of their abnormal flamboyant behavior. We don’t make fun of the sex at all because that’s not funny. It’s kind of gross. Actually, all sex is pretty gross. Same with retards. We don’t make fun of them because of their disability. We make fun of their retarded behaviors which happens to be caused by their disability. We don’t make fun of the difficulty they have adjusting to life because that’s not funny. It’s sad. I guess their inability to adjust to social protocol is part of the difficulty they experience…

Hmm… I think I’ve just sorted my thoughts on making fun of people who are different. It’s wrong to bully them and make their lives hard, but it’s okay to make fun of them behind their backs. And I say this as an asian man who has lots of non-asian friends who make fun of my asian-ness behind my back but I’m fine with it as long as I don’t hear it. And I know that these things go on behind my back because I actually have a recording of it. One of my friends stupidly thought it would be funny for me to hear it so he sent it to me. It wasn’t funny (for me…).  But we’re still great friends and the racist recording did not affect that at all.