SFT Podcast Episode 35 – PSW Man Talk, Dumb Honesty

Before reading 50 Shades of Grey, I did a 30 minute podcast of rambling about stuff. I think this episode is alright. It’s probably better than the next one…

Dropbox: https://www.dropbox.com/s/dyszu1jjwmafaj3/SFT-0035-PSW_Man_Talk%2CDumb_Honesty.mp3?m=

Youtube: http://youtu.be/gyz5wnvsLE4

If the above link doesn’t work, you should always check here (https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/where-to-download-sad-funny-truthful-podcast/) for the updated links to download the podcast. I will also provide the link to download all the episodes there and it might even have newer and better links.

Sponsor:

koncepp.com

Web hosting starting at $5 a month. You might get more discount if you mention this podcast. I don’t know. I don’t really care anymore lol.

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Going Full Retard…

I’m not sure where to start… I guess first off, if you’re going to get offended at my liberal use of the word retard, you should stop reading now. This post is not about me going full retard, but I’ve wondered about that before. During one the earlier days of depression, when I was still exploring the extent it can affect me, I had spent some time making retard noises. It all started when I was taking a shit. (A lot of my stories seem to start off with me taking a shit.) I try to make as little noise as possible in all aspects of life so it goes without saying that I don’t make constipated noises either. However, I was home alone and didn’t give a shit and wanted to make some constipated noises for “fun”. From there, I noticed that it sounded similar to retard noises so I started making retard noises instead. There are things you can do in life that marks a new high or low point. Taking a shit while making retard noises definitely marked a new low point.

After I finished taking that shit, I went to lie in bed. It wasn’t because I was exhausted from taking a shit; going to bed is just the default thing to do when a person’s depressed and doesn’t want to do anything. In bed, I made some more retard noises. I noticed that it was kind of similar to bawling noises. Now, I only made these retard noises because I knew there was no one around to hear them so it wouldn’t negatively affect anyone. Even still, why the fuck am I making those noises? Am I becoming a retard? Prior to this incident, I wouldn’t make retard noises even if no one was around, because I’m not a retard. What if I started making retard noises when people are around. Would I be a retard then?

I said this post wasn’t about me turning retarded. It isn’t. That’s as far as I’ve explored in my retard transformation. This story will get really depressing from here on out. My uncle’s been dying from cancer and my aunt has been taking care of him. I’ve been living with them for a couple weeks now to help out. Today, my uncle seems to have gone full retard. It wasn’t an instant change. It was fairly gradual. For a long time now, he’s hasn’t had much energy. He seems to lose more energy with each passing day. Walking had be difficult for him for a while now, but he was still able to walk. He lost his ability to walk yesterday. It’s not completely gone, but he needs a lot of support to barely walk now. Last week, he was pretty much able to walk on his own and it was just safer to have supervision.

Let me backtrack a little more. My uncle’s currently living with his wife who’s taking care of him full time and his 30 year old daughter who’s a teacher during a day, and loving daughter by night. I wrote an entry about that “love” here so I won’t repeat that again. For the past 2 weeks, my uncle has pretty much been completely ignoring his wife and daughter, chalking it up to lack of energy. I get it though. They constantly ask him if he wants anything, if he wants more water, more food, more whatever. Everything except actual love… He obviously has no appetite and no motivation to do anything, so all those questions are just annoying. His wife actually gets pretty pissed that he doesn’t respond to her to his own detriment which causes her more trouble because she has to take care of him. The part she’s really pissed about is that he actually responds to his brothers when they visit. This makes my uncle out to be not in as bad a shape as he is actually in and it makes my aunt look like a bitch for not being able to handle it. Again, I kind of get it. The constant nagging of the same questions can get very annoying, especially for someone who’s depressed and going through a lot of physical pain from the cancer too.

The combination of his increasing difficulty to move and his lack of response has turned my uncle into a full retard in all practical sense. His daughter tries to tell him funny stories from work but he doesn’t laugh, doesn’t even react. I kind of get it. I’m depressed as well, probably not as much as him, and I don’t react to the stories either. I would politely laugh if she were telling me that story in a one-on-one conversation, but in a group setting, I don’t bother laughing. He’s unamused. He tried talking to the personal support worker but she was a dumb bitch who could barely speak English so that didn’t go well either. With no stimulation for so many days, it’s not surprising at all that it’s taking a toll on his mental health. Now I’m not taking sides here. I’m not saying my uncle is justified or not justified to behave the way he’s behaving. I’m just saying that I can kind of see how it got to be this way. I’m not saying my aunt is doing a good or bad job either. I don’t know what things were like a month ago, 6 months ago, a year ago. I can say that my aunt’s trying her best and doing a LOT for him. Maybe her best just isn’t enough. Maybe she’s not giving him what he wants. As far as I can tell, she hasn’t been giving him any stimulating conversation and hasn’t given him any sex. I’m not even sure if he’s even capable of having sex at this point or if he wants it. I don’t know if he wants stimulating conversations either. I’m just listing things that he’s not getting.

The problem I have with this whole situation is that I could’ve made a difference- I could’ve made things better. I also wrote about this before, but about 10 days ago, my uncle tried to talk to me. He asked if I wanted to hear what he has to say about my life and I said “Sure, if you want”. He was a bit unhappy with my response because he was trying to talk to me for my sake, not his. At least back then, he had the energy to respond that way. He went on and said generic crap about how life isn’t fair and I should get a diploma, blah blah blah, typical mainstream advice. Nothing profound about it at all. I just nodded along and said “uh huh” until finally he said he’d leave me to my work. He also advised me to wear more clothes because it’s cold and the flu is going around. I responded but did not wear more clothes because I knew I didn’t need it. One by one, everyone got sick, including my uncle, but I’m still fine. I don’t get sick. Even if I catch a bug and I get a fever, I am not sickly. I can still function at over 90% which is far more than most people’s 100%. The part I feel a little guilty about is that unlike the women in his family, he seems to respond to me the few times I’ve spoken to him over the past couple weeks. I’m not annoying (yet). If I were a better conversationalist, I could’ve helped make his last days a lot less miserable. But unfortunately, I didn’t do shit about it. I feel bad, but not THAT bad because it’s not my responsibility. For instance, he would probably feel better if I listened to his “wise words”. Then what? You want me to go to school and not be able to drive him to the hospital? That doesn’t exactly help him. Plus, my life is not for him to guide. Am I supposed to go to school and get a “good” job just so other people are happy? If I’m supposed to just do everything to make others happy, why don’t I blow him too. I’m sure life would be awesome if everyone tells you that your dick is delicious and they can’t get enough of it. But it’s not my job to do that. Neither is it my job to live my life to their old fashioned standards. If they would stop demoralizing me, maybe it wouldn’t take me so long to make games and be depressed as fuck while I do it. I’m choosing to do what I do regardless of what they say. They can either support me or get in my way. And everyone in my life just wants to fucking get in my way. They just want to relieve themselves of blame. Because of the generic advice they’re giving me, when I fail at life, I can’t justly blame them. Yet they don’t care that I’m presently blaming them for my misery. People are stupid.

Pain and Death

In the last entry, I mentioned that my uncle has cancer and is in a lot of pain, to the point where he wants to die. I drove him to dialysis today and apparently it was one of the worst days he’s ever had. I watched him squirm and moan in pain for a long time. The doctor today estimates that my uncle probably only has 2 weeks left, 3 weeks if he continues dialysis. With the constant intense pain, my uncle just wanted to end it. He wanted to stop the dialysis to end it quicker. But that doesn’t help with his current pains.

It took them a while to increase his pain medication doses. It seems stupid to me that they took so long. Why isn’t the pain addressed right away? Even in all his pain, my uncle didn’t urge for more pain medicine. My aunt only increased the dosage by 1 unit. From 150 to 175 of whatever it is. He was still in a lot of pain. Sure, the medicine didn’t kick in yet, but it was almost certain that it wasn’t going to be enough. I told her to increase it by another unit, to 200, and she did it after resisting the idea for a bit. Throughout the night, my uncle still seemed to experience quite a bit of pain but at least it became a lot more bearable.

Earlier today, my aunt had told me how hard it is for my uncle to die. She says that there a lot of suffering that goes on before finally reaching death. Well fuck, take more painkillers then. I told her that she should ask the doctor tomorrow for way more painkillers. Take as much as he’ll prescribe and increase the dosage every time the pain gets worse. Why the fuck not? When I first suggested it, she said she didn’t want to give him too much because too much isn’t good. I didn’t argue with her but I argued the fuck out of it in my head. Wtf. He’s already dying either way, why not go with less pain? What’s the worst that can happen? He overdoses and dies? Isn’t that the end goal at this point?

I’m sparing you a lot of boring details and simplified the situation a little. My point is, I can hardly fathom why people don’t see such simple solutions to their silly problems. Now I’m not an expert in medicine so maybe mild overdose of painkillers would backfire and cause extreme pain. I don’t know, but I doubt that’s true. The other thing to consider is the cost of medicine but I’m pretty sure money is not the problem here. If my aunt is just overwhelmed by information and all the things she needs to keep track of and forgets about simple things like the simple solution to pain, that’s understandable. But even when I bring it up, she fights it, so it’s not a matter of neglect.

The other thing I noticed tonight was my reaction to other people’s pain. It was definitely uncomfortable to watch, but I’m pretty sure I can watch it for a long time (practically forever) if I had to. I wonder if that’s a sign of my mental strength or a sign of me being a sociopathic cold fucker. I definitely felt uncomfortable so I don’t think it’s a sociopath thing. I wonder how much harder it would be to watch someone I deeply loved and cared for to suffer like that. I wonder if I’ll ever find anyone to love and care for deeply. I also wondered if I would make a good torture supervisor and whether I would be able to hold my breath until I die so don’t take my wonders too seriously.