Silliness of Nudity

Nudity is silly. The only reason this word even exists is because we clothe ourselves. The power of nudity is completely controlled by whatever society deems appropriate. In north american culture, a woman can pretty much show everything except for the nipple and pussy. Because of that, I tend to look for porn with nipples and pussies. There no real reason I should be seeking out nipples more than the boobs themselves. It makes no sense but that’s how I’ve been wired by society. There are middle eastern men out there who’ll jizz their pants when they see a nude face. Society shouldn’t have that much power over our bodily functions.

I’ve been living with my girl cousin lately and I noticed her bathroom has a low window. It’s right behind the toilet and I noticed it after taking a shit and wiping my ass and realized that I was pretty much putting my ass on display for the world to see. When I take showers, I feel like I’m putting myself on display. I don’t mind it since I’m a dude. I’m so lonely, I almost wish someone’s looking. But I wonder what my girl cousins think about that window. I don’t think they close the blinds and they’ve lived here for many years so they must’ve noticed the window there. Maybe they checked and made sure that when you look at the window from the outside, you only see a reflection. Maybe they decided that people don’t get a clear view and with the abundance of porn on the internet, there’s no need for people to peep. If they’re that open about it, they should show me the goods. It doesn’t cost them anything and it’ll be such a thrill for me. It’s silly that they would want to hide their nude bodies from me. It’s silly that I want to see them. Everything’s silly.

In an earlier post, I mentioned that I should probably stop talking about incest one day. I guess today’s not that day.

Shit Stories Part IX: Shit Adjacent and Tangent Stories

Foreword: In this entry, I didn’t transition between my thoughts very well. All these thoughts are interesting, tangental, and related so I want to keep them all together. But at the same time, I don’t want to clog it up with more sentences just for the sake of transitioning between thoughts without adding any additional content. …Okay, that was a lie, I’m just too lazy to put in the time to turn this shit story into a masterfully written shit story. Plus, I didn’t get any sleep and wrote about shit all night while having chocolate milk diarrhea so give me a break, alright?

Am I dozing off or just staring at my boobs? Why not both? Oh shit, I stole Ted's line.

Am I dozing off or just staring at my boobs? Why not both? Oh shit, I stole Ted’s line.

Some of you might wonder what the heck “shit adjacent” even means. I don’t mean it literally because the story doesn’t involve me standing next to a piece of shit or anything. In fact, there’s no actual shit in the story. It’s like when you’re taking a shit and you’re mentally prepared for shit to appear but you can’t push anything out. That is the analogy I have chosen. I chose a shitting analogy to describe my shit story. Actually, it’s not even an analogy because that’s basically the whole story, told in the guise of an analogy.

I am also shit adjacent.

I am also shit adjacent.

As a guy, I follow the convention that I should pee standing up. So when I falsely think that I need to shit and I’m s(h)itting but nothing comes out, I have to try really hard to squeeze some shit out and if nothing comes out in the end, I feel a bit of shame for having peed sitting down. That is some fucked up retarded emotions. I know that intellectually but it doesn’t stop me from feeling this way. Feelings are so gay. And by gay, I mean retarded. Which one is more offensive? “Why not write both?” – me. (…Everything I write is in my word so I wonder why I bothered quoting myself…)

And I'm ashamed of peeing while standing. Wait. Why am I taking a picture of this?

And I’m ashamed of peeing while standing. Wait. Why am I taking a picture of this?

That last section is interesting to me. I’m obviously aware that I am potentially offending a lot of people but I wrote it anyway. Why? Because it’s funny to me. I only wrote it because I found it funny and I chose not to censor my comedy. But what makes it so funny? It’s funny because of how easily I can offend so many groups of people. If people didn’t get offended by this stuff, it wouldn’t have been funny to me and I wouldn’t have written it, thus, not having created anything for them to be offended by. Ironically, it’s because they DO get offended that there’s more of this stuff to offend them.

Let me put on my "nerd" glasses and smile and pretend I understood what you just read.

Let me put on my “nerd” glasses and smile and pretend I understood what you just read.

Girls living with guys often complain about them not putting the seat back down. I wonder why I never hear complaints about guys not lifting the seats up at all and peeing all over the seat. There’s no way this never happened. I guess people just generally don’t talk about shit and piss as casually as I do. Where’s our thanks for not peeing all over the seat? Even if we end up peeing all over the floor, at least you’re not sitting in our urine. I also never hear guys complaining about girls always leaving the seat down. Mathematically speaking, the guy would’ve lifted the seat up as many times as the girl had to put the seat down. She may complain about having accidentally sat in the bowl with no seat, maybe even touching some CLEAN toilet water, but that’s not the same as peeing on the seat (because our urethra is set to shower setting) and having to clean up the urine. You also never hear about a guy who sat in the bowl without the seat. It would seem that guys are conditioned to always check the seat status with every toilet visit where girls have a problem of assuming it’s down.

Stop complaining about the seat you guys. Do you want to pee in snow instead?

Stop complaining about the seat you guys. Do you want to pee in snow instead?

So many hypothetical girlfriends have left me for being thoughtless and counter nagging them. It’s thoughts like these that keep me in the single and virgin statuses. To continue counter nagging my hypothetical girlfriend, I’m actually not thoughtless at all as evidenced by the amount of thought put into this blog.

 I'm one of those hypothetical girlfriends. I'm so hypothetical that I don't even have a head.


I’m one of those hypothetical girlfriends. I’m so hypothetical that I don’t even have a head.