My Dad Vs. Normal Part IV: Catchphrases

I’ve avoided writing about this story for a long time because a lot of it is lost in translation (FYI: I’m Chinese). I don’t really have a good story right now but who knows, sometimes it gets good after I start writing it. I gotta find something to write about because of my stupid rule to write about both parents vs. normal whenever I decide to write one. I’ve been consistently showing you that I follow these rules so if you want more, go back and see some my older entries to see what you can make me do and how you can make me do it. If you need help finding those, let me know and I will gladly help you find them. Or you can just read everything I’ve ever written because my writing so awesome.

This time I'm going to pay more attention and even take notes!

This time I’m going to pay more attention and even take notes!

I don’t know if these constitutes as catch phrases, but I just call it that for simplicity’s sake. They’re words that my dad really likes to say for some reason and he’ll say them all the time. Not only are the words themselves kind of ridiculous, but he ends up misusing them a lot in his effort to keep saying it.

I'll be smarter if I read this book? Okay, I can pretend to do that. Do I look smarter yet?

I’ll be smarter if I read this book? Okay, I can pretend to do that. Do I look smarter yet?

The most famous of my dad’s catchphrases amongst my friends is “redundant”. Think about it. In everyday life, how often can you actually say “redundant” and have it make sense? Not very often, right? At this point, my dad just says “redundant” as a negative adjective for any situation. He’s saying it like some people might say “nonsense” except that would’ve made more sense.

“What? You’re not eating the food? So ‘redundant’.”

“You want me to drive you to work? So ‘redundant’.”

“You don’t want me to drive you to work? So ‘redundant’.”

There are too many girls. So "redundant".

There are too many girls. So “redundant”.

His other catchphrase is “full of himself”. Just like “redundant”, he uses it as a negative adjective to describe anything.

“Ted thinks he can just get a job when he needs one? He’s so ‘full of himself’.”

“Ted thinks he can write? He’s so ‘full of himself’.”

“Ted thinks he doesn’t like eggs? He’s so ‘full of himself’. So ‘redundant’.”

She thinks she can just pick up a book and look smarter? She's so "full of herself". And for me to use the same picture twice, so "redundant".

She thinks she can just pick up a book and look smarter? She’s so “full of herself”. And for me to use the same picture twice, so “redundant”.

My Dad Vs. Normal Part III: Thoughts for Food

These are both food related stories but they’re not really about food. Because I don’t talk to my parents, food just happens to be the only (forced) topic of conversation and you will soon see that they’re not much of a conversation.

Dad: Do you want eggs?

Me: No.

Dad: You’re wrong.

What's that you say? We don't know what we're doing with the basketball? You're wrong.

What’s that you say? We don’t know what we’re doing with the basketball? You’re wrong.

That same dialogue exchange has happened many times in the house. The main problem is, by the time my dad asks if I want eggs, he already really wants me to want eggs and expects me to say yes. I say that’s the main problem because that’s not the only problem. He also fails the grasp the concept that I am capable of thought.

I'm capable of thought too. I'm totally making this face on purpose and not because I got some glitter shit in my eye.

I’m capable of thought too. I’m totally making this face on purpose and not because I got some glitter shit in my eye.

The other day, my dad made breakfast for my brother and he didn’t eat it. At night, he asked me why I didn’t eat it when I saw that my brother didn’t eat it. He was more disappointed in me for not eating leftovers than my brother for creating said leftovers. I wish I could come up with a possible explanation for this but I can’t. It’s just plain old crazy.

As crazy as we are about basketball. By the way, where's the basket? Over where? Oh forget it, just touch me.

As crazy as we are about basketball. By the way, where’s the basket? Over where? Oh forget it, just touch my butt.

My Dad Vs. Normal Part II

I joke that I’m socially retarded but I’m just too lazy to follow social norms. My dad, however, is truly a socially retarded person. He literally has no friends and has no intentions of making any. I know a lot of people who might think their parents have no friends but they just don’t have close friends who keep in touch. My dad actively avoids calls from casual acquaintances of the past. Maybe he has some kind of twisted fear of phones. He would often tell my mom to call people for him, like making appointments with doctors or setting up a dinner with relatives for the holidays. Yesterday, the optometrist called during the day and asked me to tell my dad to call them to confirm his appointment tomorrow. Normally, doctors just tell me to remind the patient but this one really wanted a call back.

I had written this message on a note and left it on the table for him. There was also another call yesterday for my mom and I wrote the message on the same note. My mom read it and told my dad but he just ignored her (normal behavior). Today, the optometrist called again. I didn’t answer it this time because the call woke me up and I didn’t want to bother taking the same message again. Moments ago, during dinner, my mom told my dad again and he continued to ignore her. I don’t know if I should add my say in it and suggest he calls as well. If I say something (, anything), he would either get pissed or make fun of me (even though there’s nothing to make fun of). So I never bother saying anything to them. Maybe I should say something (for his own good, and) so I could record it and transcribe for other people’s entertainment to read and hear about on the internet. If you want me to do it, you gotta comment tonight to tell me because tomorrow will be too late.

Introducing My Parents Vs. Normal

My parents keep spoon feeding me stuff to bitch about so I’m going to make this a multi-part entry as well. I will separate them by mom and dad. Just for fun, each time I update one, I will update the other to keep things balanced .I will probably do a collective one at some point. It took me so long to start this because they constantly give me too much material and actively trying to document that will consume my whole life.

My Dad Vs. Normal Part I

I just bitched about my mom so I’ll bitch about my dad too to be fair. I didn’t have anything planned for this but just when I finished writing the last entry, my dad came home from work and from upstairs, I heard him say “gagagagagagagagagagagaga” in a mocking high pitch. If you can’t imagine how that sounds, that’s a testament to how retarded it sounded. He was presumably mocking about something annoying my mom just said but he isn’t aware that his mockery is far more annoying than anything imaginable. Or he just doesn’t care. Oh, and he does this mocking angrily too. Add that to the already unimaginable dialogue. That is simply not a noise a normal person should ever make. I feel retarded when I imitate it for my friends so I can only imagine how retarded it feels to make that noise unironically. Does a retard even feel retarded?

Then he walked past my room and (high-pitch) grunted “aaaarg”. He was annoyed with me but I wasn’t doing anything annoying and he had nothing to complain about. He was annoyed that I was alive basically. He makes that noise no matter what I’m doing. Even if I’m sleeping, he’ll turn on the light to make that noise and make sure I wake up to hear his annoyance with me. And yes, that has happened many times before.

Random Rantings and Random Free Plugs

My dumb brain doesn’t want me to sleep again so I’m going to write a little something. On a side note (already?? Can I even have a side note as my second sentence without having said anything yet? What is it a side note from? Isn’t this just poor writing? Why am I questioning myself?), I have work in the morning and I refuse to use alarm clocks so we’ll see how the battle between my insomnia and sheer mind power will turn out. I’m one of those people who can wake up before a certain time as long as I fix my mind on it. It has historically worked but I’ve never given it any tests where there are stakes, not that the stakes are particularly high this time either. It’s fun to be depressed and suicidal and not care about anything because I don’t need to care about losing my job, not that I’m a bad worker mind you.

(This paragraph wasn’t something I was originally planned to complain about.) I randomly decided to write this free plug entry and discovered that the 2 “likes” my blog has ever received were from wordpress. When I first started the blog, I used google’s blogger as well as wordpress to see which I liked better. I liked google more so I’ve been only updating blogger for the past few months but it turns out wordpress publicizes my blog better. So for the next little while, I’m going to be updating both blogs identically. What a hassle… I shouldn’t be complaining though because people are finally reading my shit.

Alright, time to start the real rant. My dad tends to create catch phrases and will say them over and over again for a while. They’re not funny or clever though. They tend to be condescending or hateful or otherwise exude some kind of negative vibe. Actually, it’s not his catch phrases’ fault; everything he says exudes negativity.

I’m going to give a bit of context on how annoying my dad is before I write about his new catch phrase. My dad behaves in such an eccentric way that there’s literally no word that describes whatever the fuck he does. No verbs describe his crazy actions and no adjectives describe his fucked up attitude towards things. Bear in mind that this is a man who has no friends and does nothing for fun. He often walks into the room while I’m watching TV and condescending (and rhetorically) ask why I’m watching such boring things. Sure dad, the most successful TV shows are boring simply because you don’t like them nor understand them because you don’t fuckin’ speak English. Goddammit, Chinese people are annoying. (Man… I can never give enough context which shouldn’t be unexpected since I’m trying to describe things that (I claim) has no words to describe.) (Are nested parentheses allowed? Fuck grammar. As long as the reader understands, that’s all that matters. At its core, that’s what language is all about.)

Another thing my dad does is look at a game I’m playing, GTA IV was one of them, and after watching 10 seconds, he’ll snort “Heh, and that’s all it takes to scam money from dumb people like you.” This is coming from someone who knows nothing about programming and refuses to believe that I can do programming without formal education even after I’ve self-published 3 games on and have earned money for them. Turns out money isn’t a universal language when it’s on paypal and you’re speaking to computer illiterate people.

I could probably create a whole blog with daily updates of my dad’s stupidity but his behaviors are so annoying that it irks me just to describe them. (If enough readers want it though, I’ll do it. I’m a total sellout who’ll happily throw my dad under the bus(figuratively) for online followers.) The last example I will give is directly related to the catch phrase. Nowadays, I’m super gloomy around him because he actually criticizes me for laughing or having any signs of enjoying life in any way, shape, or form. There’s no logic or reasoning behind it either. He just likes to bitch. When I carry out brief friendly conversations with my friends on phone, he gets a combination of pissed off and jealous and bitches about it. So now his new catch phrase is: (while I’m in my usual bad mood around this fucktard) “Jeez Ted, you can’t be so stupid and let other people influence you. Whether you’re happy or not, the days will still pass. So you might as well be happy.” Sound advice under normal circumstances but this comes from the same mouth that criticizes his depressed and suicidal son whenever said son shows any glimmer of joy out of life. I won’t even go into the irony of him saying such things, especially when he juxtaposes it with an old fashion unsolicited (and ungrounded) insult. I guess I got into it a little but that’s all for now. I hope I was able to get across how fucked up he is ‘cause I would have otherwise made myself sound like a whiny little bitch.

I hate how riled up I get whenever I write about him. Because I can’t even describe his ridiculousness accurately, it feels like he’s winning. Anyway, here’s the free plugging portion of this entry that I intended. I have compiled a list of blogs of all the people (all 7 of them) who liked my blog as of April 25, 2013. Check them out if you’re looking for more things to read:

(these next 2 came in while I was proofreading)

To be honest, I haven’t read any of those and I apologize for that. If they like my blog though, then at least I can safely assume that they’re not stupid people who get offended by every little thing (since my blog can be quite upsetting if you don’t get the humor). They might simply be stupid people who don’t get offended. Okay… I just retardedly went and insulted my 7 followers. Sorry. I didn’t mean it, I swear! We’re still friends right? Please keep reading my blog.