Detached Attachment

I fall for girls way way waaaay too easily. If a girl says one nice thing to me or even just smiles at me, I’m smitten. At the same time, I am not a crazy stalker person. … Maybe I’m lying a little. I may do a little facebook stalking but that’s it. But who doesn’t facebook stalk nowadays? I know there are people who don’t but shut up, you’ll do it eventually… probably… maybe…. Okay, but I don’t show up unexpectedly and I don’t send crazy texts. I may send one crazy text by accident (because I was too in the moment and didn’t know how crazy it sounds), but once I figure out that the other person is uninterested, I don’t spam them with crazy texts. I get the message and I never take my anger out on anyone.

 

Most people get to know other people step by step. I don’t. I jump around and skip a bunch of random steps and maybe go back to the earlier steps at a later point. I don’t do things in order. I enjoy deeper and more personal conversation. What that means is, I probably end up talking about sex stuff really early on. Most guys I talk to aren’t prudes and they find it hilarious how I would randomly just start talking about my sex failures and asking for their opinions. However, when it comes to talking to girls, my conversation “style” becomes really creepy and inappropriate. Because of my natural pervertedness, I wind up propositioning girls and creeping them out pretty much as soon as I start talking to them. It is completely my fault. I don’t proposition guys so that’s why I’m so much cooler around them. I need to (I repeat, I REALLY NEED to) stop being such a pervy creep. I didn’t realize how bad I was until a girl was honest with me and helped me realize how bad I really was.

 

Back to the title’s topic…. The combination of me falling for girls way too quickly and my ability to not be a completely crazy person grants me the ability to easily detach myself after clinging onto a girl and scaring them away. I open up to people 100% instantly. Maybe because getting me to open up is not a special thing, there’s a slight lack of warmth in getting me to reveal my deepest darkest secrets. I don’t really have a conclusion here. If I do, my dating life would be better off and I wouldn’t be blogging alone on the computer right now.

Naturally Deselect My Penis

My penis is pretty small. There’s no point denying it so I might as well make fun of it. I unfortunately don’t have many other ways to have fun with it. For the longest time, I had no idea how long (short) my dick was. I knew it wasn’t big, but I didn’t know if it was just smaller than average or if it was world record small. I’m not good at eyeballing lengths since I don’t measure things in inches and cm on a regular basis. As a digital artist, I can eyeball lengths in pixels but it would be terribly sad to measure my dick in pixels.

 

Having a small penis is undesirable for women and I wonder if I’m never going to get a chance to reproduce because of its unattractiveness. I sometimes blame my genetically small penis for not being able to get laid. However, I’m self-conscious enough to know that that is not a legitimate excuse. That would only be a legitimate excuse if girls constantly run away from me as soon as they see how small my penis is. That has never happened. I can’t even get to the point where a girl would see my penis which proves the illegitimacy of that excuse.

 

Another excuse I often use to not talk to girls is that bars and clubs are too loud and you can’t carry out a conversation in such environment. Once again, that is not a legitimate excuse. If it were true, I would be talking to girls in all other scenarios but I’ve had plenty of chances to talk to girls without loud music and I let each and every one of those opportunities slip away.

 

There’s a chance I may never get laid again. There’s a chance I’ll never get to reproduce. Natural selection is going to deselect me but it wouldn’t be because of my penis size. I simply suck at all areas of dating.

Special Someone

No one is born special. There are some people with certain mutations that make them special but I’m not talking about mutants right now. For normal people, no one is born special. Everyone wants to be special but you’re not born that way. You have to earn it.

 

In a new relationship, you can’t expect to be special. Maybe if you meet your special friend in a little church group or something, but online dating is a whole different world. When you’re dating online, you have to acknowledge that you’re not the only person they’re talking to. In an ideal world, both people would be really into each other right away and they can tell each other they’re special without being creepy and that does happen a lot. But when the dating is more casual, the other person can’t be special. If you tell them they’re special, they get turned off that you’re coming on too strong. Fact is, you are not special at this point. You are totally replaceable. You might be hotter or more attractive, but you’re not special. Whether or not you’re special is entirely up to how the other person treats you. If they’re putting in more effort into you than anyone else, that makes you special. If special treatment is not enough to make you feel special, then the onus is on you.

Charity Dating

Even without the dickish title, there’s nothing I can say that won’t sound bad. I’m going to try to pour all my thoughts in this blog entry. There will be some horrible thoughts that’s better left unsaid, unwritten. In fact, most of this will be horrible…

 

So… I went on a date tonight. This was not a sexy hot date. I sort of went on the date out of sympathy. I had been warned not to date someone out of sympathy and perhaps I should have heeded that advice. I’d like to think I’m a fairly attractive person, especially since I started working out again and getting back my hot bod, lol. I’m sort of kidding of course. It’s hard to know for sure whether I’m good looking or not because I’m obviously biased and you never know when people are just being polite when they tell me that. I have my doubts because it’s not like girls throw themselves at me but nobody ever seemed repulsed by me either so there’s that. All we can say for sure is that… I’m very self-absorbed…. I’ve been talking about myself for a while now.

 

As for the girl I saw tonight, we wouldn’t even throw the term “attractiveness” around. She has very visible deformities and she was nice enough to warn me about it ahead of time instead of surprising me with it. And I was “nice” enough to… be nice about it…. I may actually be doing a bad thing by accidentally stringing her along. That wouldn’t be nice. I don’t want to seem like a shallow person so I say that looks isn’t the most important thing. It’s a nice bonus, but personality counts more. I was certainly put to the test tonight.

 

This next section is going to make me sound bad, especially because I’m not even trying to be mean, which makes it worse. I’m going to describe her looks a little. When I first saw her pictures, I thought she sort of looked like a classic rendering of an extraterrestrial alien. I get scared of ghosts and aliens easily. If you show me even a kid’s drawing of an alien, I’m going to feel fear and paranoia for the next little while, and possibly have trouble sleeping. In fact, I even get scared of the words “ghosts and aliens” because they trigger thoughts. I’m getting a little scared right now even though I’m the one using those words. I’m trying to overlook appearances but if I’m going to have nightmares, it’s not going to work out. I’m not exaggerating. She’s done a few background acting jobs and they’ve used her for sci-fi shows and medical patients in pain.

 

Next up is one of many horrible thoughts to come. After hearing her talk about how thrifty she is with money and how she visits the food bank, I realized she didn’t dress sharply either and could pass as a homeless person. She has dark markings all over her skin which someone might think is dirt on a homeless person. I am also very thrifty and don’t dress sharply so I’m not judging that at all. Thing is, you never see a beautiful homeless person. The fairy-tale explanation is that beautiful people will find a way to be taken care of and live cush lives. The dark reality is that if there ever was a beautiful homeless person, it won’t take long until they get raped or killed or both.

 

Prior to the date, I had time to organize my thoughts and I should’ve ended things before they started. But I procrastinated… Then she texted me saying that she was feeling lonely and depressed and wanted to go see a movie with me. I know what it’s like to feel lonely and depressed and since I was able to help, I decided to take her out and give her a chance. Who knows, I might be surprised and actually enjoy her personality. …I did not enjoy her personality. It wasn’t bad and she was nice, but we just didn’t click. To be fair, I started feeling that way even before seeing the pictures. One of the first things she did was tease me that my iphone 3 is old and urging me to get a new phone. Teasing is fine, but she said (jokingly? half-jokingly?): “Why don’t you just get a new phone?” which has the subtext of “what is wrong with you?” By comparison, the last girl I saw (who doesn’t even want a relationship with me) found novelty value in my even older Nokia brick phone. The girl tonight has no interest in gaming, the games I’ve made, comedy I’m involved in, and my blog. Most people don’t care and I’ve learned not to expect people to care. Once again, comparing to the last girl, she was actually interested in everything I’ve done. She checked them all out and enjoyed them (because they’re great, lol, just kidding… half kidding). In fact, she’s probably reading this right now. Howdy. She hasn’t seen the comedy stuff yet but she’ll probably like those too since she likes my sense of humour. It’s good to have someone like that in your life, who actually appreciate your work. Umm… I didn’t mean for this to turn into a comparison fest and then into a letter of appreciation. Moving on…

 

Back to the “charity date”, how can I tell a person, who only has her personality to offer, that I did not enjoy it? Well, that’s easy, but how can I do it without feeling bad afterwards? I feel like a coward for not saying anything sooner and still haven’t said anything yet. The longer I wait, the worse it’s going to be. She tells me that she likes me. How can she not? I was very nice and I’m already such a likeable person ;). I imagine she doesn’t have many dating options so it’s easy for her to fixate on someone really quickly. I’ve done the same thing in the past. If I learned to talk smoothly to strangers and date properly, I’d probably do okay. But I’m not into that kind of lifestyle so I haven’t pursued it. Now I’m started to get an idea of what kind of pressure I’ve been putting on the girls in my past. It’s a tough situation and it’s tough to let people down, so I sincerely apologize for that behaviour. I’ve never had to let someone down before. It’s hard. I have to steel myself for it or it’s not going to work. Girls have to do it all the time. Must be tough.

 

Did I even do a charity tonight or am I just about to hurt someone really bad? I did pay for everything so at least that part was charitable. No date ever took me out and paid for everything and if girls wanted to throw me a bone every so often, I would feel bad to complain about it. The girl tonight had a tough life and I can see how it’s hard for her personality to fully develop. It’s almost impossible not to react to her condition. People either avoid her or act extra nice around her. I’m guilty of the latter too. I probably shouldn’t have done this “charity” though. I’m not a fan of charities. I’m not saying they’re bad, but they get very problematic. The thing is, there is no end to suffering, starving, unfortunate people. Once you get involved, you realize how much problem there really is and how powerless you are to effect any big changes. It’s a perfect example for how ignorance is bliss.

 

I was able to learn a lot about myself tonight. I learned some empathy and my humanity (or maybe the lack thereof). I feel like there’s lots of room to learn a lot more too. But I’m not eager to learn. I’ve never been eager to learn things.

 

I know I always ask for comments but this time I need it more than ever. If you don’t think I’m a horrible person, please please please let me know. If you do think I’m horrible, you can leave a comment too but I’m not begging for those, lol.

Persistent Preoccupying Ponders

Here I go with the words again. The first one is preimport. … I don’t know what I’m doing with these words. I don’t really feel like blogging right now and I was going to just blaze through the 5 words, get snippy with them and just post a short little entry like that. But then I remember my post a couple hours ago about half-assing stuff and I don’t want to seem like a bullshitter so I’m going to try to suck it up and write a half decent entry on these words. Preimporting should be when one anticipates that something needs to be imported, and they import it ahead of time. This term can only be used relatively. When the guy is preimporting something, during the the act, he’s just importing. If you tell someone you’re preimporting something, it’s like you’re begging them to ask you what you’re preimporting it for. When I feel like a stranger wants me to ask them something, I sometimes make an effort not to ask it. Just now, I was trying to think about why I do that and I can’t think of a reason that doesn’t make me sound like a dick.

 

Next word is brackened. A bracken is a large fern so being brackened would be being covered with a large fern I guess? Ferns make me think of Between Two Ferns. In the definition, it says that a brake means fern but when I look up brake, I only get the definition we’re all familiar with – the car brakes. This confuses me. I’ve been confused all day. There’s this girl and I thought we were having a great time together but then she suddenly doesn’t want to see me at all and doesn’t give me a good reason for it. She doesn’t owe me a reason but I really have no idea what went wrong. At the end of the day, I guess if she doesn’t want to see me, there’s no point in trying to get a reason out of her. I’m going to do my best not to relate every word back to this but maybe that’s what’s going to happen. I don’t know yet.

 

Next word is incriminate. Incriminate, that reminds me of when I told the girl that… – just kidding, I’m not actually bringing it back to that. The first thing that comes to mind is Charlie Day’s character in Horrible Bosses. The character is a registered sex offender because he peed in a school yard while there were kids there. When I first met the girl, we watched Horrible Bosses 1 and Horrible Bosses 2 together so I guess every word is reminding me of her after all. I don’t think I should keep mentioning her. I think maybe one of the reasons she doesn’t want to see me is because I’m too obsessive. I sort of am, but sort of not. I’d like to think I’m obsessive in a good way, because I’m willing to give it my all. I don’t think I’m obsessive in the bad way because I don’t expect full reciprocation and I don’t get angry.

 

Anyway, moving on, the next word is deficiently. Well, how can I not relate that to all this girl talk? lol. Let me broaden it some more. I feel like I exist deficiently. I really don’t get it. I’m pretty sure I perform great and I feel like people have a great time with me but no one really feels like they need to see me again. Are they all just pretending to have a good time when I’m around? Am I really so unneeded by everyone? No matter what the explanation is, there seems to be something missing, something deficient. …I’m staring at the soda and snacks on my desk and it occurred to me that I’m probably pretty nutrient deficient too.

 

Last word is hayward. That’s an old term used to describe a man who was in charge of fences and enclosures. That word reminds me of a song in Rock Band called Wayward Son or something. I don’t really know what wayward means… let me look it up. … I thought that word meant lost or missing a sense of direction but it turns out that it means uncontrollable pervert. It’s weird when words mean something totally different than what I expect. I may have accidentally described myself as wayward in the past, lol…

Learning People’s Tempers (Comment Greatly Appreciated)

I really want some feedback on this. I have a theory but it’s quite a condescending one so assuming I might be in the wrong, I really want to know why so I can learn from it.

 

So I was talking to this girl and we actually kicked it off pretty well. Turns out we live on the same street and knew a lot of the same people growing up so it felt like there’s a history or connection or something even though we only barely knew of the people in common so the history doesn’t actually play any particularly big role in all this.

 

I chatted with her for a couple days and all seemed well at first. I think it was about 3 days in when we had a phone chat. The phone chat was okay but not great. I asked about past relationships and she cried a bit while retelling the most recent tale. I tried to be nice and let her know that she didn’t have to talk about it if it’s hard but she carried on and finished her story. There was talk about sex – about our history with sex. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned my experience with prostitution but I did because I’m honest to a dumbass fault. It seemed to have stained her impression of me as dating material, but I don’t think there was anything negative as a human being during that conversation.

 

Since then, she seemed less interested in the conversations, understandably so. But she would still start a conversation every so often. She was working away from home and only came home on the weekends. She’s really busy which made meeting a little hard. After 2 weeks, we finally met up for a walk and talk yesterday.

 

By this point, I feel like she all but lost interest already. I would often ask questions that gets completely ignored. I chalked it up as her being busy since she really was busy. She would respond and at least courteously inform me she’s busy, but there are chunks of conversations she seems to completely ignore.

 

The walk was okay, again, not great. And from the follow up conversation, it seemed like that’s pretty much it and she’s not interested.

 

Early on, I had already casually opened up the discussion of whether or not we see each other as dating material. She wanted it to just be casual at first, maybe at a friend level or something, and I was fine with that. I brought that up to mention that I’ve opened up the conversation. So today, she informs me that I’m probably not dating material for her and that we could still be friends and whatnot. You know, the same old lines. She ended by saying I could always talk to her if I want someone to talk to.

 

I will start quoting the conversation at this point. I tried to sum up everything up until now but the wording from this point might begin to matter.

 

Her: anyway. yea. if you ever just wanna chat or anything, I’m always around 🙂

 

Me: sure, but you’re also always super busy so…
lol

 

Her: lol one thing about me. my family and friends I put above all in my life.

even if I’m busy. I try to make time.

 

Me: And apparently I’m not family nor friend so that leaves me with nothing. I’ve always shown that I always want to talk but, especially the last few times, you’ve been a lot less respondent.

I don’t know if you say the “if you want to talk” thing just purely as a polite thing or if you mean it. I know I’ve been guilty of saying it and thinking I mean it but looking back and analyzing it closely, not really.

 

Her: lol. well that is truly your loss then. your small talk isn’t exactly the easiest to follow…and not to mention I am studying for exams and working.

sometimes its hard to follow.

but to be honest, if this is how you make everyone feel, I now see why it is hard to keep longterm friendships

so I’m sorry ted. maybe you’re right. even friendship isn’t an option because friends don’t say shit like that and they try to at least be understanding of a situation

and you’re right I have no obligation to you. I did it because I was genuinely trying to be nice and get to know you

and whatever I do know about you tells me you’re not my kind of person.

 

I tried to keep this as unbiased as possible without over telling my side of the story.

 

Sure, that last thing i said wasn’t the greatest but I felt like she jumped in and became way too angry and defensive and offensive. There was no point in advancing the conversation with her any further so I just apologized for being passive aggressive and left it at that.

 

My question to you is: was my response really that bad? If anyone’s interested, I’ll happily provide more background info. I wanted to keep this first post a little shorter.

Political Dating

In politics, candidates run campaigns and make tons of speeches and promises to look as good as possible regardless of whether they can be keep their word or not. The only goal is to get people’s approval and vote. After that, whatever happens happens and reality can never live up to the promises. As long as they are appealing at first, that’s all that matters. Dating is just like that. Sales is like that too. Heck, all of life is like that and I hate that.

 

In dating, guys will do everything in their power to make themselves as appealing as possible to girls. They have to, because everyone else is doing it. Everyone does it because it works. Without knowing anyone in depth, why wouldn’t a girl choose a guy who seems better on the surface? Who knows what’s under the surface. Some people can have a shitty surface and shitty insides. With a pretty surface, there’s at least that.

 

This is why life fails me… or why I fail at life, however you want to put it. I have no interest in putting up a show. I’m not going to wow anyone on a first date. I’m great in the long run but that doesn’t matter because I don’t ever get to start. I’m reliable, nice, and good at many things. I’ll be fun and funny eventually, just not at first. I’m helpful in many way. I’ll drive you to the airport with no complaints. I’ll drive your relatives to the airport. I’ll do anything. All you have to do is ask but no one’s asking.