Do, or Don’t Do

It is easier to tell somebody to not do something than it is to tell somebody to do something.

That’s all I wanted to write but I’m not about to leave this as a tweet-sized entry so I’ll beef this up with some bullshit filler. That statement is pretty universal save for two exceptions. If a person is physiologically addicted to a substance, then it would be easier to do than not do. The other exception is just semantics, double negatives. My biggest struggle with life right now is to not be a lazy bum. To be a lazy bum is to do nothing. So to tell me not to be a lazy bum is to tell me to do something.

I know I’ve previously stated that I don’t want to write too much about depression crap because it’s not funny and no one gives a shit. Since this is already an unfunny entry, I’ll throw in another thought I’ve been having. I don’t want to die. But even more so, I don’t want to live. My affinity to being suicidal is only because death is the lesser of two evils, given how shitty life is. I’m not suicidal (yet) because I’m living one hell of a dream life. Right now I’m just bumming at home with no financial responsibilities or any other kind of responsibility, Each day, I only need to worry about entertaining myself but life is already barely worth living. Why would doing more of what I don’t like (work, job, employment) to get less of what I already have (basically everything), make me want to live more. And if I don’t want to live, then why bother. Like I said, it’s fine at the moment, but I’m just planning ahead for when I lose my financial freedom, and I will. My parents aren’t wealthy so even if I leeched off them for the rest of their lives, I won’t inherit enough to sustain myself for another year so it’s just an inevitability.

God dammit I’d hate to just end it there so let me try to brighten things up a little. Umm… on the bright side… I did not have black diarrhea yesterday .

(black diarrhea reference:

Fear Of Not Dying

Just like everything I write, it looks weird but let me explain. Of course I know that all lives will end. Most people have a fear of dying. I used to have that fear too. Ever since I’ve entered this new level of depression, I almost embrace death. Living in fear is terrible so there’s actually something liberating about shedding some fears, even though I’m still severely depressed.

I wish that’s all I have to say on the topic but then this entry would be inappropriately titled. I have irrational fears. They’re irrational to the point that it can’t even be conceptualized or put into words. It’s simply raw feelings of fear. The fear is stronger in the dark of night but it’s not as simple as a fear of the dark. I don’t need no night light shit or anything. It might be a fear of being surprised, shocked, or caught off guard. The fear is worse than death. Even though I feel this emotional bullshit, at least (I think) I have it under control. If it worsens, then death would become such an excellent escape from this fear.

I wish I had something interesting or funny to say but I guess I don’t. Umm… I guess I should try to conquer this fear in my head. When I set my mind to doing this, I shall call myself the fear fucker because fucking something is the ultimate proof of conquest. [Insert lame joke to replace FF from Final Fantasy to Fear Fucking.] Yup, I’m becoming too lazy to finish writing my own lame jokes.