Sue A Cider

The title’s just a dumb pun. I don’t know if the meds are giving me more suicidal thoughts or not. They’re not too intense but they’re more frequent. It’s practically all I’ve thought about for the past 48 hours. But I probably would’ve thought about suicide this much, if not more, even if I weren’t on the meds.

Taking Anti-Depressants Now…

I just went to the doctor and now I’m taking anti-depressants and sleeping pills. They say anti-depressants often give people suicidal thoughts. I’ve heard it explained that depressed people are too unmotivated to even kill themselves but once they get a little motivation back, they become motivated enough to commit suicide. I kinda hope that happens to me. I’m supposed to go see doctor or emergency room immediately if I get suicidal thoughts but emergency room sounds pretty horrible. I’ve been there enough times with my uncle who died from cancer to know that they’re too busy to give a shit about me and they’ll probably just strap me onto a bed so I can’t kill myself. Sounds torturous.

 

I went to a walk in clinic and it took them a long time to see me. It’s right next to the pharmacy so I spoke with the pharmacist a couple times while I was waiting. I asked how long it takes for anti-depressants to take effect and he told me 6 weeks. The doctor later confirmed that. That blew my mind. I need something to help me immediately. I don’t know if I can stand feeling this shitty for 6 weeks…

I’m Done With Life

This is pretty pointless because I can’t be bothered to write anything interesting when I’m feeling like total shit but I’m writing anyway because I don’t know what else to do. Nobody else gives a shit. If you’re reading this and you care but not that much because I’m just a random dude on the internet, just know that that’s more care than anyone else is giving me.

 

I just got home after three nights at my girlfriend’s university resident and I’m feeling shittier than ever. I’ve been feel shitty lately but I didn’t blog about it. Shit happened and I may write about it but it seems more effort than it’s worth and it wouldn’t matter anyway once I’m gone. For a long time, I’m just passively suicidal but I don’t know how passive it’s staying. I don’t have any plans to do anything yet but it definitely feels horrible enough that I just want it to end. I don’t know why I give a shit about what people would think of me if I killed myself. I shouldn’t care because it won’t affect me at all once I’m gone.

 

I haven’t blogged about having a girlfriend yet and I have my reasons for that. There were no fights or anything during this weekend, but that’s only because I’m amazing at avoiding conflict and I’m also such a good person in all situations but it’s a very tiring job and apparently so unrewarding that it makes me want to die. During my previous depressed years, I always thought that having a girlfriend is the last thing I want to try before deciding life isn’t worth living. Maybe it’s my bad luck that my first and only girlfriend is not a good one.

 

She’s pretty oblivious to all this shit but I think I might send her a link to this blog entry. I’ve been completely uncheap with her and have been making her feel great in all ways while I’m with her so of course there’s a part of me she really likes. But she doesn’t really care about me at all and I don’t know if I can cope with it anymore. We have practically no common interests. It’s almost amazing how little we have in common. She doesn’t enjoy the shit I have to say and doesn’t enjoy my sense of humor. She likes games but doesn’t give a shit about my game developing career and doesn’t like any of the games I like. She doesn’t read this blog. There’s simply nothing. I thought at least I might stay for the sex and hope the other things might get better over time. But nope, those aren’t getting better over time and the sex isn’t worth it. I don’t know if it’s my depression or what, but sex is fairly unenjoyable for me. I’m still constantly horny and always ready to do stuff, but it hasn’t been good. Maybe it’s because I’m not good at it yet but without the opportunity to practise, I can’t get better. Condoms also make the whole thing pretty pointless because I don’t feel anything. Over the past 3 nights, we were sexually active and yet I still had to jerk myself off each night. It’s depressing. I offer for her to help me ejaculate each time but she chooses not to and I’m not going to force her. I’m leaving out a lot of details but the stats are true and I feel shitty about it and no one is doing anything about it.

 

Today, the last day i was there, I made it abundantly clear that I was unhappy. She observed that I looked “lifeless” and when asked if I was okay, my answer (yes) was “unconvincing”. I’ve briefed her on my depression but she barely knows anything because we can never carry a long conversation. She tells me to just not think shitty thoughts and to just be happier. She claims it’s possible because she’s done it too. That’s not justified reasoning. I’ve done it too for years and years since I’ve always been depressed and I’m still alive as of this moment. But it gets worse and worse each time and I know depression more than most people, especially her. She tells me to try to make new friends but that’s stupid. My current friends are making me unhappy. If I am to replace them with new and better friends, then I won’t need anything to do with the old batch of which she’s a part of. My visit ended with me saying that I don’t want to go home and her telling me that “there’s nothing for [me] here.” I rebuttled by saying there’s nothing for me anywhere. It’s as if she wasn’t even trying to make me feel better and just wanted to get rid of me.

 

There’s a lot more but I’m not going to write everything because I’m not here to complain about my girlfriend. I’m complaining about all of life. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m unwanted everywhere. If it didn’t hurt so bad, I would just keep on wasting time and living without doing anything. But it’s hurting so much now. My hurt feelings are manifesting as physical pain. It’s happened before but those were only for a night or two. This one isn’t going away and it has no reason to go away. It’s absolutely not due to a lack of trying on my part. I know what can make me feel better. I just want people to care and appreciate me. When I’m a guest, I cook, I clean, I wash dishes, and I offer to help out in all other possible ways but my help isn’t wanted. I don’t know if they’re just hesitant to receive help from someone they barely know or if the help is really unwanted. Either way, I’m left feeling like shit. There are 3 households that I’ve been a guest of so I’ve definitely gave it a shot. Maybe life just isn’t for me. Maybe I’m not as awesome and helpful as a guest as I thought I was being. Maybe I’m just a shitty person to be around. It might be my fault that my life is so crappy or everyone else’s fault. But it doesn’t really matter because no matter what, my life is still crappy and nobody wants me around, especially me.

Inconvenience of “No Thanks”

People often say “no thanks” to things to not cause any trouble or inconvenience. However, declining the offer is often far more inconvenient and annoying. Usually, by the time the person offers, he’s already prepared to do whatever he’s offering. Declining the offer then becomes more troublesome than actually doing whatever’s offered.

I’m not saying people should say yes to everything. There are many times where you really don’t want the thing that’s offered. But when someone defaults to saying no to everything, it becomes very annoying. What, is my company a nuisance to you? If so, why don’t you say so and I will get out of your hair forever.

Life and social interactions aren’t as straight forward as that. But why not? Why do people make things so complicated. I often fantasize about a utopia of honesty. It’s just a fantasy though, because I’m sure it can never happen. Not only because people are stupid, but there are probably scenarios that led people to socially evolve to the way we are. The prime problematic example I can think of, is desiring and not desiring sex from people. At first, it would seem that if everyone’s honest about who they’d like to fuck, everyone would fuck more and everyone would be happier. The problem lie with the people that others don’t want to fuck. How depressing would that be? Very.

SFT Podcast Episode 23 – Depressing Shits

I guess I just rambled on about my depressing thoughts for the whole episode. Not sure if there’s much more to say here.

Dropbox:

SFT Podcast Episode 23 – Depressing Shits

Youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ih-sTY-lIAM

If the above link doesn’t work, you should always check here (https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/where-to-download-sad-funny-truthful-podcast/) for the updated links to download the podcast. I will also provide the link to download all the episodes there and it might even have newer and better links.

Sponsor:

koncepp.com

If you mention Ted (my name) and this podcast, you’ll get 10% off any service they provide from branding to logo design to website design to social media to mobile apps. Basically anything that’s online (which is everything), they can help you with it. The special deal right now is that they can host your personal website for $80 a year!

SFT Podcast Episode 10 – Depressing Shit Relationship With Parents

I skipped podcasting for a day to play some borderlands and then I’m hit with a mommy shit storm. That inspired a rant about my shitty relationship with my parents. This is a depressing one and it’s not even nearly as depressed as I get.

Dropbox:

SFT Podcast Episode 10 – Depressing Shit Relationship With Parents

Youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXZnL5oFWNw

If the above link doesn’t work, you should always check here (https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/where-to-download-sad-funny-truthful-podcast/) for the updated links to download the podcast. I will also provide the link to download all the episodes there and it might even have newer and better links.

Sponsor:

koncepp.com

If you mention Ted (my name) and this podcast, you’ll get 10% off any service they provide from branding to logo design to website design to social media to mobile apps. Basically anything that’s online (which is everything), they can help you with it. The special deal right now is that they can host your personal website for $80 a year!