Parks And Recreation In Relation to My Creation And Maintenance of Relationships And Careers

I just watched the last season of Parks and Recreations and cried like a little bitch in almost every episode. Every time I cry when I’m watching a show (which seems to be increasingly frequent), it always feels like I’m mixing in a ton of other emotions. I’ve always felt like I’m just crying about other shit and what’s happening on screen is merely a tiny trigger that made it easier for me to cry. But the more I think about it, maybe that’s actually the normal reason to cry when watching something.

 

A lot of people coupled up in the show and watching their loving relationships made me feel things from a relationship I just officially broke up from yesterday. Although I felt like I’ve invested way more than my fair share, I still could’ve done more. Is it the man’s responsibility to selflessly give everything to enhance the woman’s life? The way April hesitated for Andy to leave his TV show to move to Washington for her… The story arc was very short but I think it succinctly summed up all there was to tell. April felt bad that Andy had to change his life for her but he showed no hesitation which put her to ease. I was going to change my entire life for my relationship but I showed too much hesitation and that ruined everything. I hesitated, but I still wanted to do it, but that wasn’t good enough. Is it too much to be asking me to be like the awesome Chris Pratt – awesomer Andy Dwyer? (actually I don’t know which one is awesomer!) Maybe it is asking too much. I’m sure most people would never sacrifice so much with so little thought but I was pretty close….

 

Then there was Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope, where Ben stepped down from running against Leslie. (If it isn’t obvious by now, this blog entry is going to refer to the show a lot.) Once again, the man just selflessly gave the woman everything and made her happy. Even if it objectively was not necessarily the better choice, it doesn’t matter because all it matters is that the woman’s happy. The objectively better choice thing made more sense for the Andy and April storyline; The Ben and Leslie one was fairly equal. Well, they actually made the right choice going for Leslie. I’m getting sidetracked. The main point is that the guy gave a lot to the girl and that was attractive and sexy.

 

There wasn’t any touchy story with Tom Haverford but there was one for Donna. In this relationship, the woman gave to the man. The guy in this relationship seemed kinda gay but that’s beside the point. This sort of breaks the trend I was spotting where the guy is expected to make more sacrifices – not completely though. This was just an exception where the woman was ridiculously far better off financially and it showed that there are no absolutes, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t still a strong trend. The numbers are still 2 vs 1 where men had to make more sacrifices and those sacrifices are arguably greater than Donna’s. I’m not demanding equal rights for men here or something stupid like that. I’m just trying to sort out my own personal feelings of whether I should’ve more readily sacrificed more and whether that should’ve been something I should do as a man, or even just as a lover – regardless of gender.

 

The other reoccurring theme in the finale (arc) was people getting bored of life and trying to find something meaningful to do. That happened to Ron and April. I’ve been struggling with that existential crisis long enough. The main difference is, those are fictional characters with fictional lives, living a fictional happy ending. Even then, they’ve put in years of working hard before chasing their dreams. I haven’t done shit. (Not completely true. I’ve done some shit but not enough…) Whether or not I deserve a dream job some day, I have not earned it yet. Plus, I don’t even know if such a job exists for me. I don’t have the luck to be blessed with a dream job without working hard for it but that’s not something I expect. I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life but apparently, people are starting to offer jobs to me (game development, book editing, mobile app development). The money’s not great yet, but it finally looks like it’s going somewhere and yet I haven’t worked on them for a few days now. Is it a legitimate excuse that I’m going through a heartbreak? I don’t know…. I hope I don’t fuck it up and lose these jobs but seeing as how I’ve been being a procrastinating fuck-up for the past few years, I really don’t know if I’m going to fuck up these opportunities. All I know is, I haven’t started my path on correcting things yet because I’m writing this blog and planning to play 3D Final Fantasy XIII after this, after I just finished binge-watching the last season of Parks and Recreation. The saddest part is, I’m not even going to enjoy playing games. I’ll probably get bored in a few minutes but I just rather do that than work at the moment. What am I working for? Once again, I find myself at a point in my life where I don’t have a future to look forward to. I also hate being such a depressing bum too….

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Email Transcript: Sigh…

I just sent an email to my friend Justin. I figured I’ll post it here too. I remember saying I didn’t want to be a bummer but I guess I’m just feeling extra shitty today.

 

You gotta appreciate what you have more man. So I spent the past month or so talking to various girls and none of them panned out at all. I just went for a walk with the girl that lives on my street and basically she just doesn’t like me. Apparently I’m too wild. wtf, seriously? lol. She didn’t say it so conclusively but it’s basically done. Then, after Laura hasn’t replied to a couple messages i sent her for a whole month, she replies saying she was busy with assignments. Like seriously, you can’t be so busy that you couldn’t have told me you were busy earlier. It’s simply an utter lack of respect from everyone. Sadly enough, as shitty as Laura is, if given the chance, I’ll probably go back. I’ve got no other options.

 

There are lots of things different about our lives, especially at this point, and I partially blame environmental conditions for my life’s shittiness. It’s not that I’ve been given conditions so shitty that they can’t be overcomed, but they’re definitely shittier. Think about everything you’ve got. As hard as it was for you to start clubbing, imagine having to make an extra 30 mins commitment per trip on transportation. Same thing with school. As hard as it was to go through it, imagine going through an extra hour of commute or having to work like crazy to have money to drive and park. Eldoled is kind of the reverse where you had to drive 30 mins which you didn’t have to drive if you lived where I lived but if you had my life, you wouldn’t have had the dad to connect you to that job to begin with.

 

Once again, it’s not like I had it so hard that the obstacles couldn’t be overcome but if we compare us 2 where we shared similar paths at one point, I was given shittier conditions at every step of the way. I’m so tired of this stupid life… Maybe I’ve feeling shittier because I’m off my meds now but there are also plenty of shitty external stimuli. I’ve already learned to not take a single word my family says seriously. My brother arranged to play board games with me during the day and he was out of the house the whole day without even a word. It’s one thing to not have anything, but it’s worse to constantly have people blatantly lie about doing stuff and showing complete no need to respect my feelings whatsoever. If I let myself feel more feelings, how could it be any better. I could go into more detail but whatever, there’s no point. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit.

Stop Being A Depressed Bum

I recently realized that being a depressed bum is very unattractive. It’s kind of stupid that it wasn’t obvious to me from the start. Lately, I’ve been feeling extra unfunny, unmotivated, and uninspired and I made sure everyone knew it. It isolated me from everyone. Expressing my depression doesn’t help me and just bums everyone out so I have decided to stop talking about it. If I feel like I need to talk to someone about it, I will, but I will no longer unsolicitedly talk about it.

 

On the other hand, there is a bright side to being depressed – my version of depression at least. I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about it but this is sort of a positive thing. Because I don’t care about myself much and so desperately want to win someone’s affection – even though I was nice before – I am now a lot more generous with my time, energy, and money. If anyone can benefit from me, it would make me happy to make someone else happy. Now I just need to wait for a special someone to come along and let me give her my all. Or him. If it’s a him, then it’s not a sexual thing or anything. I’m still straight. I know I should be actively pursuing instead of just waiting. The thing is, I really wish my special someone would be someone who is open with me enough to let me know they want me around. That way, I know who I should be giving my 100% to. Basically, I’m just begging for particular someone for ask me for my affection, lol.

 

I’m also starting to get an inkling of a spark to want to be funny. I may start pursuing stand up comedy, podcasting, or other funny creative outlets once again. Hopefully I do.

 

Oh, and I have an interview tomorrow for some job, that CNC thing. We’ll see how that goes.

I’m feeling the most grim

even though I’m now trim.

I worked my ass off,

literally fat ass weight came off.

From people I feel no affection.

All I feel is defection.

Why the fuck am I rhyming?

It’s not like it’s ever good timing.

Why do people insist I live

when they don’t want the things I give.

Life’s bad with lots of trouble.

I’m sad with mood that don’t uphold.

To me, people are so unappreciative.

Or maybe I’m not taking enough initiative.

Whether the problem lies outward or inward,

matter not because either way I’ve been hurt.

Would I be strong to endure the pain?

Or just a dumb dong with nothing to gain.

There’s nothing left for me to enjoy.

No wish, no dream, no toy.

Well, I do want love: unconditional.

Though that term’s definition: null.

Conditions exist, however inane,

like for me not to be insane.

But that kind of love cannot be attained

because my motivation has been detained.

I am but a speck in a population.

No one to seek me for interrelation.

To stand out,

without a doubt,

I would need to bullshit and pretend

like people with full shit in their hand.

Their gestures seem gracious and appealing.

like desk chairs that are spacious with soft filling.

But over time the truth will come out.

Things wear out and smell like trout.

Half these rhymes might make no sense.

That’s a sign I might be dense.

Dating, falsely charming, I will not participate.

Decaying, slowly dying, I have to anticipate.

I want people who wants me to be there.

Otherwise, suicide prevention is not fair.

Taking Anti-Depressants Now…

I just went to the doctor and now I’m taking anti-depressants and sleeping pills. They say anti-depressants often give people suicidal thoughts. I’ve heard it explained that depressed people are too unmotivated to even kill themselves but once they get a little motivation back, they become motivated enough to commit suicide. I kinda hope that happens to me. I’m supposed to go see doctor or emergency room immediately if I get suicidal thoughts but emergency room sounds pretty horrible. I’ve been there enough times with my uncle who died from cancer to know that they’re too busy to give a shit about me and they’ll probably just strap me onto a bed so I can’t kill myself. Sounds torturous.

 

I went to a walk in clinic and it took them a long time to see me. It’s right next to the pharmacy so I spoke with the pharmacist a couple times while I was waiting. I asked how long it takes for anti-depressants to take effect and he told me 6 weeks. The doctor later confirmed that. That blew my mind. I need something to help me immediately. I don’t know if I can stand feeling this shitty for 6 weeks…

I’m Done With Life

This is pretty pointless because I can’t be bothered to write anything interesting when I’m feeling like total shit but I’m writing anyway because I don’t know what else to do. Nobody else gives a shit. If you’re reading this and you care but not that much because I’m just a random dude on the internet, just know that that’s more care than anyone else is giving me.

 

I just got home after three nights at my girlfriend’s university resident and I’m feeling shittier than ever. I’ve been feel shitty lately but I didn’t blog about it. Shit happened and I may write about it but it seems more effort than it’s worth and it wouldn’t matter anyway once I’m gone. For a long time, I’m just passively suicidal but I don’t know how passive it’s staying. I don’t have any plans to do anything yet but it definitely feels horrible enough that I just want it to end. I don’t know why I give a shit about what people would think of me if I killed myself. I shouldn’t care because it won’t affect me at all once I’m gone.

 

I haven’t blogged about having a girlfriend yet and I have my reasons for that. There were no fights or anything during this weekend, but that’s only because I’m amazing at avoiding conflict and I’m also such a good person in all situations but it’s a very tiring job and apparently so unrewarding that it makes me want to die. During my previous depressed years, I always thought that having a girlfriend is the last thing I want to try before deciding life isn’t worth living. Maybe it’s my bad luck that my first and only girlfriend is not a good one.

 

She’s pretty oblivious to all this shit but I think I might send her a link to this blog entry. I’ve been completely uncheap with her and have been making her feel great in all ways while I’m with her so of course there’s a part of me she really likes. But she doesn’t really care about me at all and I don’t know if I can cope with it anymore. We have practically no common interests. It’s almost amazing how little we have in common. She doesn’t enjoy the shit I have to say and doesn’t enjoy my sense of humor. She likes games but doesn’t give a shit about my game developing career and doesn’t like any of the games I like. She doesn’t read this blog. There’s simply nothing. I thought at least I might stay for the sex and hope the other things might get better over time. But nope, those aren’t getting better over time and the sex isn’t worth it. I don’t know if it’s my depression or what, but sex is fairly unenjoyable for me. I’m still constantly horny and always ready to do stuff, but it hasn’t been good. Maybe it’s because I’m not good at it yet but without the opportunity to practise, I can’t get better. Condoms also make the whole thing pretty pointless because I don’t feel anything. Over the past 3 nights, we were sexually active and yet I still had to jerk myself off each night. It’s depressing. I offer for her to help me ejaculate each time but she chooses not to and I’m not going to force her. I’m leaving out a lot of details but the stats are true and I feel shitty about it and no one is doing anything about it.

 

Today, the last day i was there, I made it abundantly clear that I was unhappy. She observed that I looked “lifeless” and when asked if I was okay, my answer (yes) was “unconvincing”. I’ve briefed her on my depression but she barely knows anything because we can never carry a long conversation. She tells me to just not think shitty thoughts and to just be happier. She claims it’s possible because she’s done it too. That’s not justified reasoning. I’ve done it too for years and years since I’ve always been depressed and I’m still alive as of this moment. But it gets worse and worse each time and I know depression more than most people, especially her. She tells me to try to make new friends but that’s stupid. My current friends are making me unhappy. If I am to replace them with new and better friends, then I won’t need anything to do with the old batch of which she’s a part of. My visit ended with me saying that I don’t want to go home and her telling me that “there’s nothing for [me] here.” I rebuttled by saying there’s nothing for me anywhere. It’s as if she wasn’t even trying to make me feel better and just wanted to get rid of me.

 

There’s a lot more but I’m not going to write everything because I’m not here to complain about my girlfriend. I’m complaining about all of life. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m unwanted everywhere. If it didn’t hurt so bad, I would just keep on wasting time and living without doing anything. But it’s hurting so much now. My hurt feelings are manifesting as physical pain. It’s happened before but those were only for a night or two. This one isn’t going away and it has no reason to go away. It’s absolutely not due to a lack of trying on my part. I know what can make me feel better. I just want people to care and appreciate me. When I’m a guest, I cook, I clean, I wash dishes, and I offer to help out in all other possible ways but my help isn’t wanted. I don’t know if they’re just hesitant to receive help from someone they barely know or if the help is really unwanted. Either way, I’m left feeling like shit. There are 3 households that I’ve been a guest of so I’ve definitely gave it a shot. Maybe life just isn’t for me. Maybe I’m not as awesome and helpful as a guest as I thought I was being. Maybe I’m just a shitty person to be around. It might be my fault that my life is so crappy or everyone else’s fault. But it doesn’t really matter because no matter what, my life is still crappy and nobody wants me around, especially me.