Lacking Desires: Truth or Excuse?

I always say that I’m depressed and I use my lack of desire for anything as my reason to not do anything. I wonder how much of it is true and how much of it is just an excuse I give myself to not do anything. I’d like to think that I’m very honest with myself but I also know that it’s possible to completely trick oneself into believing something that’s not true. I don’t have any recent examples of that. Either I’m very honest with myself or I live inside an insane bubble.

I can only remember one example where I’ve tricked myself into believing something that’s not real. When I was in preschool, my parents made me learn to use an abacus. Yes, very mathy, very asian. The first thing you learn is how to represent numbers on the device, and then the next thing is to add. An early exercise they get you to practise is to start at 1, then add 2, then add 3, all the way to 100 and if you did it correctly, it should result in 5,050. (I could be wrong about the number, I pulled that out of memory and I’m too lazy to find out if I remembered correctly.) So anyway, the part where I tricked myself is that I would pretend to add all 100 numbers super quickly, within 10 seconds. That’s insanely fast. I’m sure there was a lot of influence from dragonball z to try to perform superhuman feats. It got to the point where I truly believed I was doing it and my mom made me show the teachers and I did it for them and they called bullshit on me.

I wonder if I was really faking it because I know I believed it. When I look at it objectively, I find it hard to believe that I performed all those additions within such short time so I’m pretty sure I was bullshitting it. But I can’t be 100% sure. What if I was actually some insane asian math genius and the adults around me stifled the shit out of me by calling me a little bullshitter. I’m sure I’m no genius, but sometimes I wonder what if…

I guess that’s the kind of self-ego-masturbatory thing I do when I’m bored. I haven’t let myself get bored in a while. Usually, I just lie down, listen to podcasts, and waste my days away. But yesterday, I unofficially moved in to my cancerous uncle’s house to help out around the house. Although I’m not actively assigned any tasks or responsibilities, I’m pretty sure I’m expected to be awake during normal hours and be aware if an accident happens. So now I feel like I can’t sleep off more weeks of my life. I’m still wasting my time, I just can’t waste it on sleep. Since I’m slacking off from my game development, I might try to write more for the blog again. The motivation to write will probably be short-lived and I’ll probably just ramble on about a bunch of crap, but I guess it’s keeping me busy for now…

Sexual Desire to Live

I don’t know why I make these weird titles because I don’t even like them. They’re like 1% clever but that’s exactly what it is. 1% is a horrible fail. It’s retard level…

Anyway, this one’s about sexual desire and the desire to live. Most guys I know go crazy for girls and it looks kinda pathetic to me, to the point that it pisses me off. It’s not that I don’t understand horniness because believe me, I do. It’s people’s inability to control it that bothers me. Why do most people have so little control of it? When I go to the bank and see people handling a wad of money, of course I’d like to have that in my hands but that doesn’t mean I’m going to steal it. Most men can resist the money and yet they can’t resist the pussy.


If I didn’t perform …physical maintenance on my body as often as I do, I’m sure I’d be crazy for pussy too. But because I can achieve self satisfaction, I don’t see what all the fuss over puss is all about. I just woke up from a weird dream and it’s interesting to see myself do what I preach… or I guess I’m just imagining what I preach since it’s just a dream. The dream starts off with me hiding out in a building, not being able to sleep because a war is starting the next day. It felt like a zombie-esque environment, where people band together and barricade in buildings except we were fighting off soldiers instead of zombies. Eventually, I’m in a group with a number of girls. I was sitting in a swivelling computer chair and the girls walk past me in the nude, about to take a shower. For some reason, them walking past me in the nude was socially natural (in the dream) but I reached out to squeeze a boob as they pass me and I immediately apologized for being inappropriate. The girl told me I didn’t need to be sorry and that it was reassuring to her that she was still desirable. So I continued to squeeze their boobs as they walked past me, all 3 of the girls. After they’ve passed, I jerked off with that hand and resumed defending my position.


“What the fuck did I just read?” is probably what most of you are thinking. Look, it was a dream and certain things don’t always make sense. What was the point of this? Just the fact that even in my dreams, I was happy enough with masturbation that sex wasn’t necessary. I’m not saying sex is bad. If you have a stable partner to do it with, go and have all the fun you want; why the heck are you even reading this crap? I’m just annoyed at people who make it their life’s work to chase pussy down. In the dream, I even made a speech that the girls should make it their top priority not to have vaginal intercourse with the guys. They can fool around all they want, but getting pregnant would be a major inconvenience when we’re under attack and need to escape. If they don’t mind getting left behind, then go and have sex. As a person lacking a desire to live, I can understand the notion of not minding getting left behind, but I just felt like I needed to warn them about what they would be getting themselves into.


Okay, I should stop talking about this stupid dream now. Ultimately, I find that I have a less vaginal-sexual desire than most men. Sure I’ve got hormones but there are much more efficient ways to deal with them. As a person with more control of himself, it’s sad to see other people run around on their chases. But am I any better? Probably not. I’m probably far worse off. I am controlling my sexual desires as much as I control my desire to live comfortably and my desire to live altogether. Most people would look at my apathetic ways and I’d be the pathetic looking one. I’m just going in circles now… The only conclusion out of all this is that I don’t like people and I have weird-ass dreams.