Unfortunately, I’m just for very susceptible to feeling good. Most of the time, I don’t even bother talking to people about feeling depressed anymore. It’s not that I bottle up my feelings or whatever. it’s just that I’ve expressed them enough times to know that expressing them always makes things worse. At best, it doesn’t change anything.
My biggest recent bad choice is not finishing a collaborative game project with an artist I met online. Sure, I’ve explained the situation to him and he’s being nice about it, but it’s not over. The project is still open right now. Everyday I don’t work on it (which is everyday), I have something real to feel shitty about. One might suggest that I should end the project definitively. But that doesn’t necessarily help me either. I would guess that it’s 80% done, but guessimating these things is nearly impossible because there are endless things that can be done to improve it. Inarguably, there’s already a lot of work put in it and it shows. It’s actually very lucky for me to be allowed to resume the project at any point and not be forced to abandon my efforts.
If I choose to take a firm stand at ceasing that project, I’m essentially giving up my entire potential game developing career. I don’t want to do that because game developing one of my more valuable skill sets. I value this skill because it differentiates me from the masses. It makes me feel more unique. Much more so than blogging can make me feel. With blogs, literally anyone can write, even if they’re illiterate. You get an infant to bash nonsense into a keyboard and that’ll probably get more media attention than I ever will. I wouldn’t even be able to compete with a pebble that was dropped on a keyboard and spelled “ass” by fluke. I need to feel more significant than a pebble. With games, there are far fewer people who can create them, especially quality ones.
Focusing all my efforts into making a name for myself in the video game industry sounds like the obvious career path for me. …until about a year ago when the depression started hitting me harder. I was working away at the aforementioned project when all of a sudden, I felt an utter and complete lost of interest. I’ve never been a jolly person and I’ve always happily labelled myself as depressed. (What a juxtaposition to happily identify oneself as depressed.) Every time the depression hits a new low, it feels like this is the real depression. All the sadness I’ve felt up until this point pale in comparison and can hardly be called depression if this is what depression truly feels like. When people try to empathize and say that they’re been there and it gets better, well, how low did they really get? The crap they describe sounds closer to what I felt several ex-depressions ago. Most of them can’t even imagine what I’m going through. They tell me that it only gets better from here. I beg to differ. I can think of thousands of ways for it to get worse and some of those will probably come true. Things would definitely be worse if I were physically ill, lost a limb, or became homeless. The list goes on.
When I was still working on my most recent game project (almost a year ago now), I was already suffering problems with sleep but I was able to get up and work whenever I couldn’t sleep. Unfavorable conditions must’ve kept piling on until it broke me down. In a sense, I guess I had a mental breakdown. I didn’t freak out or anything… I just didn’t bother doing anything anymore. Most days, I can’t even get myself to watch 3D movies that’s right in front of me and I supposedly look forward to watching them. Not sure if it still constitutes as looking forward to something if I don’t actually do them when I can. Same with TV shows and games. There are tons of them at my disposal to enjoy, some of them just a few mouse-clicks away. I force myself to engage in them every so often, but it just doesn’t last and I soon find myself having returned to doing nothing again. Sometimes I stare at the computer waiting for emails, which I often won’t get any for days or weeks. Sometimes I just hop back into bed, catching a couple of hours of sleep at a time.
I’m not just feeling bad because I’m trapping myself in this rut. I do go out every so often in hopes that it makes me feel better. I do exercise and hope that I get back into shape. But those turned out to be futile attempts. Somehow, I feel even worse on those days. Not everyday is terrible but it just doesn’t seem to get better overall.
…I know I’ve been kind of a bummer lately. I’ll try to go back to writing shit jokes soon.