This is pretty pointless because I can’t be bothered to write anything interesting when I’m feeling like total shit but I’m writing anyway because I don’t know what else to do. Nobody else gives a shit. If you’re reading this and you care but not that much because I’m just a random dude on the internet, just know that that’s more care than anyone else is giving me.
I just got home after three nights at my girlfriend’s university resident and I’m feeling shittier than ever. I’ve been feel shitty lately but I didn’t blog about it. Shit happened and I may write about it but it seems more effort than it’s worth and it wouldn’t matter anyway once I’m gone. For a long time, I’m just passively suicidal but I don’t know how passive it’s staying. I don’t have any plans to do anything yet but it definitely feels horrible enough that I just want it to end. I don’t know why I give a shit about what people would think of me if I killed myself. I shouldn’t care because it won’t affect me at all once I’m gone.
I haven’t blogged about having a girlfriend yet and I have my reasons for that. There were no fights or anything during this weekend, but that’s only because I’m amazing at avoiding conflict and I’m also such a good person in all situations but it’s a very tiring job and apparently so unrewarding that it makes me want to die. During my previous depressed years, I always thought that having a girlfriend is the last thing I want to try before deciding life isn’t worth living. Maybe it’s my bad luck that my first and only girlfriend is not a good one.
She’s pretty oblivious to all this shit but I think I might send her a link to this blog entry. I’ve been completely uncheap with her and have been making her feel great in all ways while I’m with her so of course there’s a part of me she really likes. But she doesn’t really care about me at all and I don’t know if I can cope with it anymore. We have practically no common interests. It’s almost amazing how little we have in common. She doesn’t enjoy the shit I have to say and doesn’t enjoy my sense of humor. She likes games but doesn’t give a shit about my game developing career and doesn’t like any of the games I like. She doesn’t read this blog. There’s simply nothing. I thought at least I might stay for the sex and hope the other things might get better over time. But nope, those aren’t getting better over time and the sex isn’t worth it. I don’t know if it’s my depression or what, but sex is fairly unenjoyable for me. I’m still constantly horny and always ready to do stuff, but it hasn’t been good. Maybe it’s because I’m not good at it yet but without the opportunity to practise, I can’t get better. Condoms also make the whole thing pretty pointless because I don’t feel anything. Over the past 3 nights, we were sexually active and yet I still had to jerk myself off each night. It’s depressing. I offer for her to help me ejaculate each time but she chooses not to and I’m not going to force her. I’m leaving out a lot of details but the stats are true and I feel shitty about it and no one is doing anything about it.
Today, the last day i was there, I made it abundantly clear that I was unhappy. She observed that I looked “lifeless” and when asked if I was okay, my answer (yes) was “unconvincing”. I’ve briefed her on my depression but she barely knows anything because we can never carry a long conversation. She tells me to just not think shitty thoughts and to just be happier. She claims it’s possible because she’s done it too. That’s not justified reasoning. I’ve done it too for years and years since I’ve always been depressed and I’m still alive as of this moment. But it gets worse and worse each time and I know depression more than most people, especially her. She tells me to try to make new friends but that’s stupid. My current friends are making me unhappy. If I am to replace them with new and better friends, then I won’t need anything to do with the old batch of which she’s a part of. My visit ended with me saying that I don’t want to go home and her telling me that “there’s nothing for [me] here.” I rebuttled by saying there’s nothing for me anywhere. It’s as if she wasn’t even trying to make me feel better and just wanted to get rid of me.
There’s a lot more but I’m not going to write everything because I’m not here to complain about my girlfriend. I’m complaining about all of life. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m unwanted everywhere. If it didn’t hurt so bad, I would just keep on wasting time and living without doing anything. But it’s hurting so much now. My hurt feelings are manifesting as physical pain. It’s happened before but those were only for a night or two. This one isn’t going away and it has no reason to go away. It’s absolutely not due to a lack of trying on my part. I know what can make me feel better. I just want people to care and appreciate me. When I’m a guest, I cook, I clean, I wash dishes, and I offer to help out in all other possible ways but my help isn’t wanted. I don’t know if they’re just hesitant to receive help from someone they barely know or if the help is really unwanted. Either way, I’m left feeling like shit. There are 3 households that I’ve been a guest of so I’ve definitely gave it a shot. Maybe life just isn’t for me. Maybe I’m not as awesome and helpful as a guest as I thought I was being. Maybe I’m just a shitty person to be around. It might be my fault that my life is so crappy or everyone else’s fault. But it doesn’t really matter because no matter what, my life is still crappy and nobody wants me around, especially me.