A Night in the City

My friend insisted I go out with him tonight and he was willing to pay for my expenses so I went out. I’m still a bum (too lazy to write a decent story about it) but I wrote 2 facebook statuses that sum up some of the things that happened tonight. It also seems I may have found a guest for my impending podcast to tell his crazy stories about going out. I have relatives living in the house at the moment but once they leave in 2 weeks, I will begin to attempt making my podcast. Look forward to it. Anyway, here are my self-quotes:

 

I was told that I was in the presence of Sarah Connor from Terminator. Whether or not it was her, the woman I was observing kissed her very flaming gay friend. Random…

We went to get some schrama. A friend dropped some fries on the counter. I went back to pick it up and eat it. The lady behind the counter saw. She laughed. She gave me some free fries. Laugh all you want but free fries is a win in my books.

Talking Dirty and Cyber Sex

These two things are pretty much the same to me. I can differentiate that cyber sex resides exclusively on the internet while talking dirty can happen in person. But as a virgin, those two things have no difference to me. I never really understood the appeal of cyber sex. If you’re looking for sexual stimulation on the internet and you’re begging a girl to write you a book, you’re doing it wrong. And that’s the other thing, good cyber sex is like poetry which to me sounds like more work than fun. A couple years ago, I accidentally stumbled into cyber sexting with a girl. How does that happen? I couldn’t tell you. I really can’t. I don’t remember how it happened and can’t imagine a logical progression.

I can tell you what happened. I walked into a bar... backwards...

I can tell you what happened. I walked into a bar… backwards…

I didn’t know what to do and wasn’t interested in learning how to do it either. I remember a couple days earlier I had saw a funny picture online of some hot and heavy cybering and once the guy gets really into it, the “girl” “pulls out her huge cock” and start whipping it on his face. It was a hilarious prank that toys with the horniness of dumb teenage boys.

And then I whipped out my huge cock.

And then I whipped out my huge cock.

Back to the sext I walked into, (too bad I can’t just accidentally walk into sex the same way) I started copying the dialogue from the prank. I present to you, a master of half-assery.

And I'm a master of full-assery. (writer's note: I want to us a picture of a fuller, plumper ass here but I don't have one readily available. If you want to suggest a picture for me, I can swap it with this one.)

And I’m a master of full-assery. (writer’s note: I want to us a picture of a fuller, plumper ass here but I don’t have one readily available. If you want to suggest a picture for me, I can swap it with this one.)

Recently, I started sending dirty emails with a girl. At first I wasn’t really into it for I have never done it before save for that one time if you want to count that. I guess I was just really lonely and wanted a connection with another human being. But then this girl changed me. I started getting more and more into and now I can’t stop myself from writing more. I’m convinced that this girl can get me to do anything. I have become a slave to her sexual whims.

Unfortunately, sex counts even if you weren't into it.

Unfortunately, sex counts even if you weren’t into it.

Imagine if time travel was possible. If the old me travelled to the present time, I might accidentally sext with myself and then the old me would cybertronically whip his “huge cock” across my face.

I don't need a time machine to rub my ass against myself.

I don’t need a time machine to rub my ass against myself.

I can’t think of a good joke here and reused a picture so I’ll add another one. Two mediocres don’t make a good but you can never have two many sexy girls. Was that a pun or a typo? Whichever one is less embarrassing in your mind.

In the cyber world, I'm more than just a cardboard cut-out. (Obscure 30 Rock reference no one will get.)

In the cyber world, I’m more than just a cardboard cut-out. (Obscure 30 Rock reference no one will get.)