Depression Unretraction (…traction?)

I started writing something about “depression retraction” but it was messy and I don’t feel like cleaning it up so I’ll just leave that in the back burner for now. One thing I will mention is that there’s this girl that I’ve sort of started seeing but she’s very busy with friends and family and doesn’t have time to see me much. Because we’ve only just met, she doesn’t like to involve me in her existing life and doesn’t want me to help her move, which is understandable. To contrast that, I have my brother’s friend’s ex-girlfriend who talks to me like once a month. I’ve asked her and she doesn’t want to date me because it would make things “complicated” (I call bs on that), and she requests favours from me all the time, like driving her to the airport and helping her move. These two girls make the world a very chaotic and confusing place for me. I’ve got one girl who I want to help but she won’t let me and I’ve got another girl who I’m just friends with and wants lots of help from me… Anyway, I’m going to write about 5 random words again, like I did yesterday.


The first word is rematriculating. Apparently there are a lot of words I don’t know and this random word generator thing is making me feel dumb. To matriculate means to enroll in university and I think the second definition means to register weapons (in Scottish Heraldry – whatever that means). It’s kind of interesting how randomly different those definitions are. Usually, with multiple definitions, I can see where they might be a connection. In this case, is it suggesting that university students are like weapons? Maybe in a conscription kind of way. The word was rematriculate so I guess that means to re-enroll. It’s almost like this random word generator is telling me to go back to school. Fuck you, word.


The next word is unbiting. Once again, it’s a word with a prefix that makes it “not a real word” according to and google definitions and I get the red squigily line under it. To be biting means the person is being aggressive or cutting so unbiting would mean a person is friendly and “doesn’t bite” I guess. Do I have any thoughts or stories about that? I feel like I’m just defining words here, lol. Hmm, I’m trying to think of a story of an animal biting me but I’ve never been bitten by an animal. There’s this one story… I think I might have told it on the podcast but I don’t think I’ve ever written about it.


When I visited Hong Kong, I hung out with one of my cousins a lot. I was 21 at the time and he was a year old than me. He was going through this phase where he was living at home, not going to school, not working, and being weirdly private, like not letting anyone in his room. It’s hilariously unfortunate that a person exhibiting weird behaviours also happens to have a weird name. He doesn’t use his English name so the two weirdness aren’t correlated. His last name is Ting, and his English first name is Ding. Ding Ting. His parents are rightfully somewhat concerned for his future but they can’t do much because they divorced around 5 years ago and that is what arguably fucked him up. My mom is nosy and gets herself involved as well, always telling me to try to “save” him. She thinks that if I could get him to come to Canada for a vacation, that’ll fix his whole life. I should remind you that my mom is fairly unintelligent. I feel like I’m a bad person for saying that but I’m not saying it in a harsh way. It’s just a fact and I’m the one you should feel sorry for because I have to live with that. Okay, that was another horrible thing to say. You see what I mean? That’s actually a perfect example. I’m not horrible at all. In fact, I’m probably one of the nicest people ever and I sound horrible just by expressing honest feelings or facts. Let me balance things out though. Admittedly, I’m not exactly making a living but I do work and do a lot of stuff. My mom is unaware of 97% of what I do and thinks I do nothing all day everyday. When she gets pissed, she would call me a Ding. That’s just insulting to everyone.


Okay, that got off track. So… I went hiking a lot with Ding and one time, I mentioned that life gets so stale and uneventful at times that I almost wish I got attacked by a bear or something, just so something exciting happens. I wouldn’t seek out danger on purpose, but it’s just a thought I’ve had many times. The same day I told Ding that, we were hiking and I decided to take the odd trail (which I always did). I focused on the ground as I was climbing a steep slope and right when I got to the top, a dog appeared, barked at me, and ran towards me. I wasn’t expecting a dog and was totally caught off guard. My immediate reaction was to turn around and run, like a coward. I hate that that was my first reaction. I would like to think I’m braver than that but apparently not when a dog barks at me. So I turned around and headed down the really steep slope. I don’t remember tripping, but I somehow fell over, rolled down the hill a bit, and stopped when I hit my head on a tree. When I got up to evaluate the damage, the dog had already headed back and did not chase after me. That dog must have been very confused. I had scrapes on my head and knees but nothing serious. It seemed a lot worse than it was since my head was technically bleeding. Once Ding felt assured that I wasn’t seriously injured, he poked fun at the irony of it all, and asked if I was happy with my “bear” experience.


After writing a story like that, it feels odd to just abruptly resume the random word thing. I also feel very repetitive when introducing each word. Maybe I’ll think of a better format to write these things in the future. For now, I’ll just keep going I guess. The next word is serbian. I don’t know anything about Serbia. I don’t even know the colour of the people that live there. Any guess I make would just sound racist. For a moment, I thought Serbia was in the title of a Eurobeat Initial D song but I think that was “Night in Arabia”. …I guess my only thought on Serbia is that it rhymes with Arabia. I don’t know anything about Arabia either. Isn’t it Arab? Is Arab the adjective? That’s how little I know…


Next word is competitor. My first thought is about business competitors and my business is video games. I don’t actually have any stories about that though. I don’t really compete often, by all definitions of the word. I guess the thing that comes up most recently about that is dating. I don’t like how I’m competing with tons of other guys to date girls. I’ve written about that a few times and I don’t really have anything to add. The other recent competition that comes to mind is the new season in Path of Exile, an online game. With the new season, there are new items and a new leaderboard. Because I had quite a lot of time on my hand this past month, I thought I might try and be #1 on the leaderboard. After about 8 hours, I got to level 40 and saw that there were people at level 70. It took me like a week to get my previous characters to level 70. I felt absolutely pummelled by the competition and gave up trying to be #1.


Last word is compromisingly. I like the word compromise. It’s a word with a very clear definition and concisely expresses what would otherwise be very wordy. It condenses many words into one word without losing any of its meaning. The only bad things about it is that it has a generally negative connotation and it’s a slightly uncommon word that some people might not know and if the other person doesn’t know the word, it loses its ability to concisely deliver a thought because you then have to define it for the person. I have a few loose thoughts on this but I’ll just write about the shorter one and wrap this entry up. Recently, I was listening to Penny Arcade’s DLC podcast and one person was saying “rapport” but pronouncing it like a person who doesn’t know how to actually pronounce it. “Compromise” is another word that could happen to. If you pronounce “promise” in the middle, it evokes some emotional feelings which makes it extra weird.


That’s it for these 5 words. Writing this was pretty fun too. “Fun” for writing, but it’s still work. I wonder how many days I’ll do this for.