Sexual Desire to Live

I don’t know why I make these weird titles because I don’t even like them. They’re like 1% clever but that’s exactly what it is. 1% is a horrible fail. It’s retard level…

Anyway, this one’s about sexual desire and the desire to live. Most guys I know go crazy for girls and it looks kinda pathetic to me, to the point that it pisses me off. It’s not that I don’t understand horniness because believe me, I do. It’s people’s inability to control it that bothers me. Why do most people have so little control of it? When I go to the bank and see people handling a wad of money, of course I’d like to have that in my hands but that doesn’t mean I’m going to steal it. Most men can resist the money and yet they can’t resist the pussy.


If I didn’t perform …physical maintenance on my body as often as I do, I’m sure I’d be crazy for pussy too. But because I can achieve self satisfaction, I don’t see what all the fuss over puss is all about. I just woke up from a weird dream and it’s interesting to see myself do what I preach… or I guess I’m just imagining what I preach since it’s just a dream. The dream starts off with me hiding out in a building, not being able to sleep because a war is starting the next day. It felt like a zombie-esque environment, where people band together and barricade in buildings except we were fighting off soldiers instead of zombies. Eventually, I’m in a group with a number of girls. I was sitting in a swivelling computer chair and the girls walk past me in the nude, about to take a shower. For some reason, them walking past me in the nude was socially natural (in the dream) but I reached out to squeeze a boob as they pass me and I immediately apologized for being inappropriate. The girl told me I didn’t need to be sorry and that it was reassuring to her that she was still desirable. So I continued to squeeze their boobs as they walked past me, all 3 of the girls. After they’ve passed, I jerked off with that hand and resumed defending my position.


“What the fuck did I just read?” is probably what most of you are thinking. Look, it was a dream and certain things don’t always make sense. What was the point of this? Just the fact that even in my dreams, I was happy enough with masturbation that sex wasn’t necessary. I’m not saying sex is bad. If you have a stable partner to do it with, go and have all the fun you want; why the heck are you even reading this crap? I’m just annoyed at people who make it their life’s work to chase pussy down. In the dream, I even made a speech that the girls should make it their top priority not to have vaginal intercourse with the guys. They can fool around all they want, but getting pregnant would be a major inconvenience when we’re under attack and need to escape. If they don’t mind getting left behind, then go and have sex. As a person lacking a desire to live, I can understand the notion of not minding getting left behind, but I just felt like I needed to warn them about what they would be getting themselves into.


Okay, I should stop talking about this stupid dream now. Ultimately, I find that I have a less vaginal-sexual desire than most men. Sure I’ve got hormones but there are much more efficient ways to deal with them. As a person with more control of himself, it’s sad to see other people run around on their chases. But am I any better? Probably not. I’m probably far worse off. I am controlling my sexual desires as much as I control my desire to live comfortably and my desire to live altogether. Most people would look at my apathetic ways and I’d be the pathetic looking one. I’m just going in circles now… The only conclusion out of all this is that I don’t like people and I have weird-ass dreams.


Nothing Learned

Fuck… I just woke up at 4am from a weird dream. Last night, in real life, my mom was being her usual kind-of-bitchy self and then in my dream, she hit her head and became dumber and slower. You can actually see her take a couple seconds to think and process every time she enters a room. In real life, she’s loud and dumb but in the dream, she became quiet after she hit her head and I actually felt really bad for her and gave her a hug. Then I woke up and my throat burns. I think I threw up a little during my sleep, that’s the kind of burn it feels like. When writing this, it almost a sounds like I threw up at the thought of caring for my mom.

I took a moment and thought about whether I should feel bad for the normal way I crappily treat my mom and decided that I have no need to change my behaviour because there’s no other way to react to her current bitchiness. At least now I know that I will actually care for my mom and my life will improve if she hits her head and becomes stupider.

…I don’t have time to finish this short blog before she just walked down the stairs and bitched at me again. You know what she’s bitching about? The fact that I’m awake, even though I’m supposed to drive her to work… Doesn’t make sense? Welcome to my world. This momentous dream feels like it completely changed the cynical way I’ve been thinking of my mom, but it doesn’t change anything. Nothing learned. Nothing to learn…

Nightmare: Fat People, Sex

The title would’ve been a lot more offensive without the comma. It’s still offensive now, just a little less. I’m sure the comma is invisible for people who are offended though. Well, I just woke up at 5am to a nightmarish dream involving fat people and sex… This sounds terrible but I hope it at least intrigues you to read on and see what it’s about.

This dream wasn’t a full on nightmare. It was just a regular dream with a mild sense of fear, especially near the end when the fat people and sex came up. In this dream, I was in some hotel dating function where the women are seated at tables and the guys go around handing them a booklet introducing themselves and the women will respond if they’re interested. Being the introvert that I am, I just hid in the other room and didn’t participate even though I’m holding a booklet of myself. It would appear I was being shy but I had the same sentiment in the dream as I do in real life: Interacting with people is such a hassle, especially in dating/relationship. I say this as a virgin, basically saying that sex isn’t worth the trouble.

Some time passed and all the attractive women have left already, presumably with some guy. In this dream, the women’s role is to be bitchy and selective about their options which I think kind of says something about how I view women and dating. There were only a handful of women left and they were all fat and ugly. Guess what? There’s no such thing as “big beautiful women.” It’s an oxymoron. Just kidding, I just wanted to be offensive since I’ve already defined myself as an offensive writer. I know that ugly and fat aren’t synonymous but then again, let’s be real: there is a big overlap.

The remaining women each had huge piles of booklets of presumably even less attractive men. The women frustratingly scan through the booklets but can’t bring themselves to accept any of them. Now, I won’t go as far as to brag about being attractive since statistically, being a virgin doesn’t help prove my point. But I’m above average or at least average. In the context of the dream, I was by far the most attractive person remaining from both genders. I wasn’t interested in that whole dating function though especially when all the attractive girls are taken. I was kind of trying to wait it out in the other room but then I wondered wtf I was wasting my time there for and decided that I should leave. However, that required me to walk across the room with the remaining women and I retardedly didn’t think about that and waltzed into the room. (I wonder if the euphemism “remaining women” is any less offensive or not lol.)

As soon as I walked into the room, one particular fatty spotted me and confidently walked up to me and said “Let’s go.” This woman is someone I know and have been friendly with so we weren’t total strangers. The “Let’s go” implied that we were getting a room and having sex. She’s easily the most attractive amongst the remaining women but she’s still a remaining woman. I had previously thought of her as mildly attractive but as soon as sex was consolidated, I was loomed with fear. I was frantically trying to think of a legit and inoffensive excuse not to follow through but I couldn’t come up with anything. Being the socially awkward person that I am, in response to “Let’s go”, I paused and stared into space for a moment and almost said “I can’t think of an excuse not to…” Ironically, I was smart enough in the dream not to say that but in real life, I probably would’ve said it. I also felt pressure for having to socialize because I’m normally just a boring mute but when someone’s hanging out with me specifically, I feel the need to entertain even though I don’t want to. I was going through my recent jokes in my head and the only one that came to mind was the one about fat people dying before they get old. But I wasn’t going to say that to her and I realized that I feel uncomfortable mentioning the word “fat” around fat people.

Anyway, the dream kind of teeters off from there and nothing else really happens. Or maybe I’m just trying to hide the fact that I had sex with a fatty in a dream. You can decide. Although I would be doing a terrible job of hiding it if that was the truth. I don’t think this story turned out as interesting as it was in my head but it’s written so I’ll just post it. I also just remember having a full on nightmare right before this “sex” dream. I won’t describe that dream but basically it’s about a sociopathic murderer breaking into my house and I’m trying to defend the house. What the fuck is wrong with my brain…