In preparation for my stand up comedy set tonight, I tried to write some jokes. I want to clarify that I didn’t write anything, but I tried. Trying is a tricky thing. A lot of people want to be given credit for trying. Their demand makes me want to give them even less credit. If you want to give someone credit for trying, that’s nice. But people shouldn’t go around expecting people to be nice, especially after they failed something. Well, I can’t generalize too much. There are times when the thought is appreciated. But when I go out tonight completely unprepared even though I tried, my failed attempts at writing jokes isn’t worth shit.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know why I’m struggling so much to write jokes I want to tell. I can hardly even write any blog entries these days. I’ve only been able to write these short little things but at least I wrote something. I actually started writing this hoping to use it on stage but I don’t think I can use any of this. It’s just very heartbreaking to see that maybe I’m really unfit for the job. I wish I could write new stuff but I’m running out of time so I guess I’m going to have to reread my blog in hopes of finding something I can use instead of sitting around twiddling my thumbs and thinking about masturbating and not even doing that for reasons I don’t really know.
By the way, I know I’m being hard on myself and I’m not completely screwed for tonight. Last night, I already went through a bunch of joke material I’ve kept and pulled out a few that I’m going to use. I’m just disappointed there isn’t more and that I couldn’t write many new ones.
I want to expand on the personality clashes I mentioned in the last post. I mentioned that I didn’t have many shared interests with that girl. I’ve always been on the receiving end of that and it’s a real bummer to hear. I was ashamed of even thinking of saying the same thing because it’s not exactly truthful. In 99% of the cases, there are at least some shared interests. The real truth is just that the other person is less than you expected, usually because you have expectations that are too high. At least that was the case for me. Lack of shared interest, much like looks, does not need to be the be-all and end-all of things. Take me and my ex-girlfriend for example. We had a profound lack of shared interests. Every interaction, we found we have less in common. Sure it didn’t work out but it was still able to last a while because I put in the effort. If I were more crass, I could say I got everything out of her that I needed. …I just said it so I’m already that crass; I didn’t need to be snobby about it as well.
Above all, the thing that didn’t work out the most is language and communication. As a purveyor of words, language is very important to me. Whether it’s a love interest or just a guy friend, I need the other person to have an appreciation of the language and be comfortable with it. This does not mean that all my friends need to be patronizing multi-syllabic superficial word whores. They don’t even need to be active readers. Heck, I’m not. I rarely tell people to read my blog because I don’t want to be a nuisance. But when I do, there are people who cower at the wall of text, and people who enjoy, appreciate, and even get inspired by them. People may even get turned on, if I will it. Some of my best friends can’t differentiate “then” and “than” if their balls depended on it. But they still respect good writing when they see it.
The girl last night did not possess the language proficiency that I desire. Her English is fine, but there’s still just too many errors all the time and it does not feel comfortable for her. Her English is probably above average for an ESL person, but the lack of interest and appreciation for my work loses her a few points. This reminds me of the last season of Louie where he pursued a love interest who didn’t speak a lick of English. He toured the city and went on dates with her, all the while not being able to understand each other. I could never do that.