My penis is pretty small. There’s no point denying it so I might as well make fun of it. I unfortunately don’t have many other ways to have fun with it. For the longest time, I had no idea how long (short) my dick was. I knew it wasn’t big, but I didn’t know if it was just smaller than average or if it was world record small. I’m not good at eyeballing lengths since I don’t measure things in inches and cm on a regular basis. As a digital artist, I can eyeball lengths in pixels but it would be terribly sad to measure my dick in pixels.
Having a small penis is undesirable for women and I wonder if I’m never going to get a chance to reproduce because of its unattractiveness. I sometimes blame my genetically small penis for not being able to get laid. However, I’m self-conscious enough to know that that is not a legitimate excuse. That would only be a legitimate excuse if girls constantly run away from me as soon as they see how small my penis is. That has never happened. I can’t even get to the point where a girl would see my penis which proves the illegitimacy of that excuse.
Another excuse I often use to not talk to girls is that bars and clubs are too loud and you can’t carry out a conversation in such environment. Once again, that is not a legitimate excuse. If it were true, I would be talking to girls in all other scenarios but I’ve had plenty of chances to talk to girls without loud music and I let each and every one of those opportunities slip away.
There’s a chance I may never get laid again. There’s a chance I’ll never get to reproduce. Natural selection is going to deselect me but it wouldn’t be because of my penis size. I simply suck at all areas of dating.
I always say that I’m depressed and I use my lack of desire for anything as my reason to not do anything. I wonder how much of it is true and how much of it is just an excuse I give myself to not do anything. I’d like to think that I’m very honest with myself but I also know that it’s possible to completely trick oneself into believing something that’s not true. I don’t have any recent examples of that. Either I’m very honest with myself or I live inside an insane bubble.
I can only remember one example where I’ve tricked myself into believing something that’s not real. When I was in preschool, my parents made me learn to use an abacus. Yes, very mathy, very asian. The first thing you learn is how to represent numbers on the device, and then the next thing is to add. An early exercise they get you to practise is to start at 1, then add 2, then add 3, all the way to 100 and if you did it correctly, it should result in 5,050. (I could be wrong about the number, I pulled that out of memory and I’m too lazy to find out if I remembered correctly.) So anyway, the part where I tricked myself is that I would pretend to add all 100 numbers super quickly, within 10 seconds. That’s insanely fast. I’m sure there was a lot of influence from dragonball z to try to perform superhuman feats. It got to the point where I truly believed I was doing it and my mom made me show the teachers and I did it for them and they called bullshit on me.
I wonder if I was really faking it because I know I believed it. When I look at it objectively, I find it hard to believe that I performed all those additions within such short time so I’m pretty sure I was bullshitting it. But I can’t be 100% sure. What if I was actually some insane asian math genius and the adults around me stifled the shit out of me by calling me a little bullshitter. I’m sure I’m no genius, but sometimes I wonder what if…
I guess that’s the kind of self-ego-masturbatory thing I do when I’m bored. I haven’t let myself get bored in a while. Usually, I just lie down, listen to podcasts, and waste my days away. But yesterday, I unofficially moved in to my cancerous uncle’s house to help out around the house. Although I’m not actively assigned any tasks or responsibilities, I’m pretty sure I’m expected to be awake during normal hours and be aware if an accident happens. So now I feel like I can’t sleep off more weeks of my life. I’m still wasting my time, I just can’t waste it on sleep. Since I’m slacking off from my game development, I might try to write more for the blog again. The motivation to write will probably be short-lived and I’ll probably just ramble on about a bunch of crap, but I guess it’s keeping me busy for now…