Nightmare: Fat People, Sex

The title would’ve been a lot more offensive without the comma. It’s still offensive now, just a little less. I’m sure the comma is invisible for people who are offended though. Well, I just woke up at 5am to a nightmarish dream involving fat people and sex… This sounds terrible but I hope it at least intrigues you to read on and see what it’s about.

This dream wasn’t a full on nightmare. It was just a regular dream with a mild sense of fear, especially near the end when the fat people and sex came up. In this dream, I was in some hotel dating function where the women are seated at tables and the guys go around handing them a booklet introducing themselves and the women will respond if they’re interested. Being the introvert that I am, I just hid in the other room and didn’t participate even though I’m holding a booklet of myself. It would appear I was being shy but I had the same sentiment in the dream as I do in real life: Interacting with people is such a hassle, especially in dating/relationship. I say this as a virgin, basically saying that sex isn’t worth the trouble.

Some time passed and all the attractive women have left already, presumably with some guy. In this dream, the women’s role is to be bitchy and selective about their options which I think kind of says something about how I view women and dating. There were only a handful of women left and they were all fat and ugly. Guess what? There’s no such thing as “big beautiful women.” It’s an oxymoron. Just kidding, I just wanted to be offensive since I’ve already defined myself as an offensive writer. I know that ugly and fat aren’t synonymous but then again, let’s be real: there is a big overlap.

The remaining women each had huge piles of booklets of presumably even less attractive men. The women frustratingly scan through the booklets but can’t bring themselves to accept any of them. Now, I won’t go as far as to brag about being attractive since statistically, being a virgin doesn’t help prove my point. But I’m above average or at least average. In the context of the dream, I was by far the most attractive person remaining from both genders. I wasn’t interested in that whole dating function though especially when all the attractive girls are taken. I was kind of trying to wait it out in the other room but then I wondered wtf I was wasting my time there for and decided that I should leave. However, that required me to walk across the room with the remaining women and I retardedly didn’t think about that and waltzed into the room. (I wonder if the euphemism “remaining women” is any less offensive or not lol.)

As soon as I walked into the room, one particular fatty spotted me and confidently walked up to me and said “Let’s go.” This woman is someone I know and have been friendly with so we weren’t total strangers. The “Let’s go” implied that we were getting a room and having sex. She’s easily the most attractive amongst the remaining women but she’s still a remaining woman. I had previously thought of her as mildly attractive but as soon as sex was consolidated, I was loomed with fear. I was frantically trying to think of a legit and inoffensive excuse not to follow through but I couldn’t come up with anything. Being the socially awkward person that I am, in response to “Let’s go”, I paused and stared into space for a moment and almost said “I can’t think of an excuse not to…” Ironically, I was smart enough in the dream not to say that but in real life, I probably would’ve said it. I also felt pressure for having to socialize because I’m normally just a boring mute but when someone’s hanging out with me specifically, I feel the need to entertain even though I don’t want to. I was going through my recent jokes in my head and the only one that came to mind was the one about fat people dying before they get old. But I wasn’t going to say that to her and I realized that I feel uncomfortable mentioning the word “fat” around fat people.

Anyway, the dream kind of teeters off from there and nothing else really happens. Or maybe I’m just trying to hide the fact that I had sex with a fatty in a dream. You can decide. Although I would be doing a terrible job of hiding it if that was the truth. I don’t think this story turned out as interesting as it was in my head but it’s written so I’ll just post it. I also just remember having a full on nightmare right before this “sex” dream. I won’t describe that dream but basically it’s about a sociopathic murderer breaking into my house and I’m trying to defend the house. What the fuck is wrong with my brain…

Fat People (Comment Topic)

This is an excellent topic with tons of material to draw from and it’s a bit of a shame that I can only cover so little of it in one blog entry. If I receive good feedback on this entry, there’s definitely lots of room to create a part 2 and part 3 and so on. In fact, this theme is probably big enough to merit its own blog. Anyway, I’ll stop getting ahead of myself lest I trip and fall over like a clumsy fat fuck.

Fat, as an adjective to describe people, has an extremely negative connotation (and rightfully so). That said, it is very easy for fat people to get offended by what I’m going to say. That’s fine. Sure, you have the right to be offended but please don’t bother me with your fat naggings, also (not actually) known as faggings. Okay, that was a little unnecessarily offensive, but if you got offended by that, let that be a warning for you to stop reading now because you will only get hurt from reading further.

Is it mean for me to pick on fat people? Sure, it’s always mean to pick on any group of people but fat people are very blessed so we shouldn’t feel that bad about creating comedy at their expense. Fat people really are lucky people. Why? Because everyday, they eat a ton of food and they love it. In our society where a lot of people are constantly depressed, if a person can enjoy something everyday, then he’s one lucky fat fuck. And yes, all fat people enjoy eating and all fat people eat everyday. It is realistically impossible to sustain an obese weight without eating several times more than an average person, everyday of your life. As a consistently depressed person, I’m so god damn jealous of fatasses.

I’ve heard all sorts of excuses for being fat but no excuse is going to make you less fat. Some people say that poor people are more susceptible to be fat because they end up buying lots of frozen and fast foods with high fat and sodium content. But that’s a shitty excuse because it doesn’t matter what foods a fatass eats, he’s still eating too much of it. Getting fat is about quantity, not quality. Also, if these fatasses can afford all that food, I suspect they’re not all that poor. They just ate away their savings. Sure, the kinds of food they can afford makes it easier for them to get fat, but they still have to eat a lot of it in order to get as fat as they are. If they just eat less, they won’t be as fuckin’ poor. Solve two problems by doing less of something you lazy fat fuck.

Some dumbass might suggest that there are diseases that make people fat. But the person who suggests that is a dumbass.

(Insert awkward pause here for the reader to laugh or get offended or be unamused.)
The only disease fat people have is enjoying food too much. No matter how different each person’s metabolism is, you cannot gain more weight than you eat so a fat person has undeniably eaten a shitload more than an average person. That is not a real disease. If some such disease does exist, the subject would be constantly gaining weight at an incredible rate and explode before his first birthday. That is not a fat person. That is an unlucky meat balloon. Let us take a moment to grieve all meat balloons. … … …  Let’s not forget why we’re here though. I’m not done with fat people yet.

Basically, all I’m saying is that it’s okay to make fun of fat people. I can say this because I’m a mini fat fuck and I’ve got a good idea of what it takes to become a total fat fuck (a non-mini fat fuck, a fat fat fuck). I don’t take care of my body at all and I eat shitloads of junk food. My history gives me great insight of my body fat. A few years ago, I was pretty fit while still carrying some belly fat and I had then weighed in at 150 lbs. I have not grown any taller; I’m significantly weaker, can’t run for shit, and now I weigh about 180 lbs. That’s at least 30 lbs of pure fat. I constantly notice myself eating bigger portions than I need and sometimes I only eat it so I have less to clean up. Of course I also eat a lot sometimes simply because I want to. Like all true fat fucks, I have a multitude of reasons to overeat. That said, it was actually pretty hard to gain this weight and I can’t imagine how much food a true fatass needs to eat to become that fat. In these past few years, I have been as lazy and as unemployed as a piece of shit can be. If I become a more functioning human being, even if I just walk to a car to drive to work, I would already be exercising enough for my weight to ease back down. I know what it takes to gain weight. It takes a lazy fucker with access to a ton of food. So maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to make fun of lazy food-hoarders because it would give them a reason to be less of what they are.

I did an open mic once for stand up comedy which had a portion of fat jokes/observations. Being the amateur that I am, it’s obviously not the best comedy in the world but it’s not too shabby either.

On the other hand, my absolute favorite comedian Louis CK has a hilarious bit about fat people: Louis CK is the best so you should definitely check out as much of his stuff as you can. There are lots of videos of him on youtube so check those out, love him, and then visit his site where he offers excellent comedy for great prices.

Lastly, I will leave you with a mildly funny observation that takes a sharp sad turn (this will make more sense once you read it). I was just thinking to myself one day and I suddenly realized that I’ve never seen a really old person who also happens to be very fat. They don’t exist. Reason being: all super fat people die before they get old because they’re so fuckin’ fat and unhealthy.

…This is not a great last thought to leave you with but that’s pretty much my life and the way I write: sad funny truths. Bringing it back to the theme of this entry, I might go as far as to say that making fun of fat people is a good thing because it gives them motivation to lose weight, become healthier, and live longer.