Learning People’s Tempers (Comment Greatly Appreciated)

I really want some feedback on this. I have a theory but it’s quite a condescending one so assuming I might be in the wrong, I really want to know why so I can learn from it.

 

So I was talking to this girl and we actually kicked it off pretty well. Turns out we live on the same street and knew a lot of the same people growing up so it felt like there’s a history or connection or something even though we only barely knew of the people in common so the history doesn’t actually play any particularly big role in all this.

 

I chatted with her for a couple days and all seemed well at first. I think it was about 3 days in when we had a phone chat. The phone chat was okay but not great. I asked about past relationships and she cried a bit while retelling the most recent tale. I tried to be nice and let her know that she didn’t have to talk about it if it’s hard but she carried on and finished her story. There was talk about sex – about our history with sex. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned my experience with prostitution but I did because I’m honest to a dumbass fault. It seemed to have stained her impression of me as dating material, but I don’t think there was anything negative as a human being during that conversation.

 

Since then, she seemed less interested in the conversations, understandably so. But she would still start a conversation every so often. She was working away from home and only came home on the weekends. She’s really busy which made meeting a little hard. After 2 weeks, we finally met up for a walk and talk yesterday.

 

By this point, I feel like she all but lost interest already. I would often ask questions that gets completely ignored. I chalked it up as her being busy since she really was busy. She would respond and at least courteously inform me she’s busy, but there are chunks of conversations she seems to completely ignore.

 

The walk was okay, again, not great. And from the follow up conversation, it seemed like that’s pretty much it and she’s not interested.

 

Early on, I had already casually opened up the discussion of whether or not we see each other as dating material. She wanted it to just be casual at first, maybe at a friend level or something, and I was fine with that. I brought that up to mention that I’ve opened up the conversation. So today, she informs me that I’m probably not dating material for her and that we could still be friends and whatnot. You know, the same old lines. She ended by saying I could always talk to her if I want someone to talk to.

 

I will start quoting the conversation at this point. I tried to sum up everything up until now but the wording from this point might begin to matter.

 

Her: anyway. yea. if you ever just wanna chat or anything, I’m always around 🙂

 

Me: sure, but you’re also always super busy so…
lol

 

Her: lol one thing about me. my family and friends I put above all in my life.

even if I’m busy. I try to make time.

 

Me: And apparently I’m not family nor friend so that leaves me with nothing. I’ve always shown that I always want to talk but, especially the last few times, you’ve been a lot less respondent.

I don’t know if you say the “if you want to talk” thing just purely as a polite thing or if you mean it. I know I’ve been guilty of saying it and thinking I mean it but looking back and analyzing it closely, not really.

 

Her: lol. well that is truly your loss then. your small talk isn’t exactly the easiest to follow…and not to mention I am studying for exams and working.

sometimes its hard to follow.

but to be honest, if this is how you make everyone feel, I now see why it is hard to keep longterm friendships

so I’m sorry ted. maybe you’re right. even friendship isn’t an option because friends don’t say shit like that and they try to at least be understanding of a situation

and you’re right I have no obligation to you. I did it because I was genuinely trying to be nice and get to know you

and whatever I do know about you tells me you’re not my kind of person.

 

I tried to keep this as unbiased as possible without over telling my side of the story.

 

Sure, that last thing i said wasn’t the greatest but I felt like she jumped in and became way too angry and defensive and offensive. There was no point in advancing the conversation with her any further so I just apologized for being passive aggressive and left it at that.

 

My question to you is: was my response really that bad? If anyone’s interested, I’ll happily provide more background info. I wanted to keep this first post a little shorter.

Hospital Blog: Let Down By Friend Again

Before I write about the friend, let me do a little hospital update. A new woman got pushed in to occupy the spot next to me. She looks like an old person who looks good for her age. Or maybe she looks old for her age. I wouldn’t know unless I actually know her age which I doubt I’ll find out. There’s not much that’s worth writing about other than the fact that I’m glad I’ve seen a prostitute so that the first boob I’ve ever seen is not the boob of a dying old woman. She was probably operated on recently because she’s naked under the blankets. She tells the nurse that her arm is numb and so I got to see 60% of her boob when they were looking at her arm. She maintained that level of exposure for a long time. I’m not proud to say that I glanced over many times to see if I could see more of the boob. Surprisingly, they were able to keep the nipple perfectly concealed during that entire time. This was not a proud night for me. It would’ve been embarrassing if someone caught me looking and told me to look away.

I feel like anything I say now will have no credibility because I just made myself out to be quite a pathetic perverted loser. Anyway, let me write about this friend that I mentioned in the title. My friendship with him is a bit of an odd one. I met him in high school, in grade 9, when we partnered up for a few science projects. We never chatted in school but we talked quite a bit when I was over at his house working on those projects. We seem like we’re friend-compatible but we never really became friends because neither of us were particularly looking for more friends.

That was pretty much the extent of our interaction in high school. After finishing high school, I got invited out to play soccer, basketball, and other sports quite often because I’m a sporty guy and not a douche and they could always use more players. I met this friend several times during these sport gatherings and we were friendly with each other, but there was no special connection or anything. Within the next 2 years, this guy invited me out to several 1-on-1 activities. We played basketball once, just the two of us. We also played tennis and did 5k runs together several times. I was invited to play Rock Band and other games with him on a number of occasions. I never initiate contact though. He does the inviting every time and I say yes to it every time.

I never thought anything of it but when I think back on those days, it almost seems like he’s making an effort to befriend me and I just go along with it, without putting in any effort of my own. One time, he even invited me to go swimming with him, just the two of us, at night, at his uncle’s condo. In retrospect, that almost sounds like a gay experience. There was nothing gay about it though. We never touched each other, not even accidentally or “accidentally”. I also knew that he had a girlfriend so it didn’t cross my mind that the whole thing might’ve seemed a little gay.

About a year ago, he invited me out to brunch, just the two of us. Okay, I made that sound gay on purpose. It wasn’t actually brunch. It was dim sum which is a Chinese meal between breakfast and lunch so it’s kind of like brunch except it doesn’t have any of the romantic connotations. Chinese restaurants are not romantic at all. I agreed to go at first but for one reason or another, I bailed out in the end. I don’t remember the detail, but it wasn’t a firm “date” and I already ate lunch by the time he contacted me that day. I also didn’t have a car that day. He didn’t offer to drive and I didn’t ask because it wasn’t like I really wanted to go anyway.

This past Saturday, I saw him posting on facebook, asking if anyone wanted to have dim sum with him on Sunday. No one responded and I know exactly how sucky it feels to post something on facebook that everyone ignores so I decided to reach out and ask if he wanted to go with me. He said sure, so I figured we had a “date”. I tried to set up a tentative time with him but he didn’t respond. He continued to not respond until Sunday evening when he said, “Sorry, I had dim sum with my girlfriend. We’ll go next time.”

Is it just me or was that pretty shitty of him? He should’ve at least had the decency to tell me if he was going to cancel instead of making me wait around all day. This is really starting to sound like some gay relationship drama. Not that he’s done this to me before (or at least not that I remember), but it seems all my friends have done this kind of shit to me. Not only do they cancel plans, they play these stupid bitch-hunting games where they don’t respond. Fuck this shit. I don’t need “friends” like these. Is it any wonder why I dislike people as much as I do? Everyone around me behaves so damn disrespectfully.

Parent Children Relationship

There are people out there who genuinely believe that parents should be parents and they’re not the child’s friends. I think that’s stupid. I hope it’s not true but I wouldn’t be surprised if it were true for most people because most people are genetically stupid. It’s definitely easier to ensure a child doesn’t get spoiled by playing the role of a “bad guy”, but there has to be a better way. A lot of miserable and depressed people have no friends. Most of them still have parents. Wouldn’t their lives be much better if they had 1 friend? Also, while you’re friends with someone, you’re with them a lot more and you’ll have more opportunities to parent them. If anything, it just seems like more parents aren’t willing to put in the time and effort to do it right.

Without friendship, how can two people truly love one another? Most people I see seem to be playing the role of a good child or a good parent. They’re acting. They’re pretending. There’s no genuine relationship there. I’m not saying any of these people are assholes or anything. They truly want to be good parents and good children. But they’re not. The best they can do is pretend to be the thing they want to be.

I’ve been living at my aunt’s house lately and this whole acting thing is becoming more apparent to me. It’s not like I never noticed it before, but I just decided to write about it now. Without writing out everyone’s life stories, my uncle’s had cancer for years now and is very sickly and one of his daughters tries to be a really good daughter. She tries to do things for him like helping him walk and stuff. Let’s look at the walking. She holds him while he walks, which is a very good girl thing to do. Unlike some white families, Chinese families tend to have very little physical contact. She obviously doesn’t want to be touching him. Not because he’s sick or germy or anything. Touching’s just naturally a little uncomfortable to us because it feels alien. She wants to help and she wants to show that she wants to help, but the awkward touching probably does more harm than good. That’s not true. It’s probably not doing any harm, but it’s not doing much good either is my point.

She tends to him very well. An excellence performance indeed. But at the end of the day, how much does she actually care? My uncle spends the other 23 ½ hours sitting by himself with no one to talk to. Because they’re not friends, they cannot carry out prolonged conversations. She’ll try to include him when she talks about her day or something, but it’s not a conversation. I’ve seen my uncle talk to other people. It’s not like he doesn’t have the energy to talk. It does exhaust him a little to make sounds, but it’s at least more enjoyable than slowly dying. But he doesn’t talk much with his family, because they’re not friends, because it’s not worth the energy.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s genuine love there. If love means leaving the guy alone for most of his day and watching him die slowly, then I don’t want any part in that kind of love. I want more than that. If I ever have a child, I’ll make sure to do a better job. If I end up raising a fucked up criminal for a child, at least I’ll be friends with him/her.

Sexual Favor Requests

Yesterday, I asked another girl on facebook for a sexual favor and she seems pretty offended. So far, 3/5 girls I asked have gotten clearly offended. The other 2 might’ve been offended too, but they were at least able to maintain composure (all of this is on facebook). It baffles me. Why get offended? If I made a physical advance, then that’s legit reason to get offended, but I didn’t. Asking is as respectable as possible. What, am I supposed to pretend they’re not girls and I don’t have hormones? I find THAT offensive, to pretend like we’re above our biochemical bodies.

Now, I’m not completely ignorant on why it’s offensive. The main argument is that I’m objectifying them or some shit like that. It’s a stupid argument. Human bodies are objects, so I’m not objectifying anything, I’m just not following the delusional trend to pretend like it’s more sacred than it is. This doesn’t mean I’m a psychopath because I do respect people and their consciousness. That’s why I ask for permission instead of making rape-y presumptions. I get denied permission, and I respect that. I don’t question it any further. So why get offended? There’s no rational reason for that.

The other possible argument is that I don’t value our friendship. … What friendship? The term “friends” gets tosses around way too lightly. I think people should start using the term “familiars” because that’s what most people are to me. We’ve seen each other several times, we’re nice and friendly with each other and we have the potential to become friends, but we’re not. Even if we were friends at one point, after not talking or seeing each other for several years, the relationship would have dropped to being familiars. There’s nothing wrong with that. It is what it is.

I also wonder if there are misconceptions when I ask for these sexual favors. If these girls think that I’m asking for free prostitution, then sure, it might not be nice, but they should clarify that with me because that’s not what I’m asking for. But these girls are so uncomfortable by this point that I never get to elaborate. I’m just a depressed and lonely guy who wants a bit of physical contact, mostly in the form of hugs and cuddles (and maybe some boob action), and form a relationship with someone. I’m a nice and generous person but I have no one to be nice and generous to, and that breaks my heart as a utilitarian to see it go to waste. Relationship is a weird word too. I use that word in the broadest sense which encompasses but is not limited to what we normally define as relationships.

Look, I’m a decent looking guy and that’s going to be wasted because I’m just going to continue getting old and get less attractive. When I ask these sexual favors, I’m hoping to develop a mutually beneficial relationship. I guess it doesn’t work though because girls already pretty much get to fuck anyone anytime they want.

I wrestle with this a lot. I’m not exactly suicidal, but I’ve pretty much got no will to live and nothing to live for. I generally try not to make other people depressed. Because I’m already depressed and it’s pretty contagious, I cut myself off from other people which eventually makes me more depressed. I think girls underestimate the power of their boobs. I’m a strong young man with lots of potential and I’m completely enslaved to boobs. If I die, my life and potential would be wasted. Boobs can grant me life. A constant supply of boobs can get me to do anything. And it’s so taunting because they’re everywhere. Boobs…

For several months, I thought I had my sexual urges suppressed pretty well but it’s randomly emerging again. Tack that on my already depressed and loner lifestyle makes life very irritating for me. Enough ranting… I guess I’ll just go and burn the rest of my bridges. I’d generally like to think that I’m a good person, but then I go around spreading these bad vibes… at Christmas… I guess that makes me a dirty little yellow chinese grinch.

SFT Podcast Episode 22 – Sales and Borderlands

Like most episodes, I talk about what I did in Borderlands 2 the previous day. Looking for people to play with so if you’re reading this and you like Borderlands, let’s play together! If you’re not familiar with the game, then consider joining me because I really want to find someone to play with lol. I’ll try my best to chat and make it a whole lotta fun. As far as the podcast episode goes, I talked about my history with sales jobs.

Dropbox:

SFT Podcast Episode 22 – Sales and Borderlands

Youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXMei_LB_ng

If the above link doesn’t work, you should always check here (https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/where-to-download-sad-funny-truthful-podcast/) for the updated links to download the podcast. I will also provide the link to download all the episodes there and it might even have newer and better links.

Sponsor:

koncepp.com

If you mention Ted (my name) and this podcast, you’ll get 10% off any service they provide from branding to logo design to website design to social media to mobile apps. Basically anything that’s online (which is everything), they can help you with it. The special deal right now is that they can host your personal website for $80 a year!

SFT Podcast Episode 11 – Introducing Justin

Whenever I refer to “a friend”, that friend is usually Justin. We ran a few errands and he popped by for an introduction and then went off to eat lunch with some other people. I struggled to fill time and talk about other things to make an episode out of it. I talked about my microphone set up and talked a bit about how I met Justin.

Dropbox:

SFT Podcast Episode 11 – Introducing Justin

Youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogOOVlIZMQM

If the above link doesn’t work, you should always check here (https://tedgaming.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/where-to-download-sad-funny-truthful-podcast/) for the updated links to download the podcast. I will also provide the link to download all the episodes there and it might even have newer and better links.

Sponsor:

koncepp.com

If you mention Ted (my name) and this podcast, you’ll get 10% off any service they provide from branding to logo design to website design to social media to mobile apps. Basically anything that’s online (which is everything), they can help you with it. The special deal right now is that they can host your personal website for $80 a year!

The Depth of Depression

There are many levels of depression. For a lot of my life, depression had lingered around, tampering with my motivation and making it harder to do things. But that’s all it used to do, make things harder. In the past few days, it has become debilitating. That is a whole different level. It’s a miracle that I can even write this blog in my current state. As of now, I am completely misunderstood and if I were to end my life, people would think that it was a stupid and impulsive thing to do. Stupid? Maybe. Some people think that suicide is always stupid. They’re entitled to their opinions. But impulsive? No. But it’s hard to justify that given I’m only 22 and haven’t lived my life at all yet.

I force myself to treat this blog as my last attempt to get people to understand me. Even as I write this, I realize its futility and perhaps in just a couple of days, I will lose the motivation to continue writing. Every time I re-read one of my sentences, I recognize how stupid it sounds and my motivation drops. I mean, c’mon, getting people to understand me? Who gives a shit? I can’t believe I even wrote that. Why am I lying to myself? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I’m doing this for money and recognition. Even when I don’t give a shit about life, I’m still so vain as to pursue the impossible dream of making a name for myself.

I envy the depressed people who can’t find a reason to get out of bed. Being riddled with insomnia is another reason why I’m doing this. I can’t even lay in bed like a corpse. I get up, check my email and facebook and find zero messages. Look for someone who I can complain about my shitty life to. Find no one. Go to bed. Can’t sleep. And repeat this hellish cycle again.

When I listened to Marc Maron’s WTF podcast episode 190, the interview with Todd Hanson, it really opened my eyes. I will provide the link again here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mnOgjJwO14

Todd Hanson had been experiencing his depression for 20 or so years before he decided he should just end his life. I’ve only been depressed for 6 years or so and I still have a bit of desire to live. But if I extrapolate the bleakness of life to 20 more years, I can completely understand why Todd decided that it’s better off for him to end his life.

Then Todd talks about how he tried to end his life. I started becoming more interested and used his experience as a simulation for what could happen if I go down the same path. Somehow he survives but he ended up being in the hospital for 30 days. During that time, he was really touched by all the people who visited him. Even when they failed to cheer him up, they kept showing up to be there for him. There was one woman in particular who showed up practically everyday. Then I started thinking about what would’ve happened if I were in the hospital recovering from a failed suicide attempt. I wouldn’t have anyone visiting me. Even if there were people who are there for me during that time, it’s only a temporary thing. Once I get out of the hospital, everything will be back to normal and I’ll be just as alone as I was before. In fact, that happened to Todd too to some degree. I’m amazed that he was able to survive the tough times after that. To know that people will show up and pretend to be there for me, but they can’t spare time for me when I need them most on lonely nights, that would kill me. Actually, I would be the one killing myself, but that would be the reason for it.

I had these feelings when I first listened to the podcast a few months ago. Before writing this entry, I listened to it again and the feelings are even stronger now. Back to the question of why I’m writing this suicide blog… it’s a very petty reason. I don’t want people to look down on me when I end my life. I want them to know it’s their fault. Fuck everyone who wasn’t there for me when I was alive. I’m not saying I deserve help just cause I’m crying for help like a baby with this blog. But if you read this and do nothing about it, when I die, don’t go spewing nonsense saying you don’t understand why I would do something like this. You never gave a shit when I was alive, so don’t pretend to give a shit after I die.

Why Am I Depressed?

I won’t pretend like I understand why I’m depressed. I have some theories but they will also be disproved within this entry. One thing I do know is that I hate the flaws of being human. Everything, like my genetic inferiority, mood swings, over stimulation, you name it, I hate it. Emotionally healthy people would be able to embrace these flaws but I can’t stand them. Why must I be depressed? On a logical level, I know that I’m not in a terrible situation and even if I do feel sad, I should get over it. But I can’t get over it. I tell myself to steel my heart and not feel these emotions, but that doesn’t work. I then try the opposite and hope to cry it out, but I can’t shed a fuckin’ tear for myself either.

What is my current situation? I’m 22. I live with my parents. I pay no rent. I do no chores. I have no responsibilities. I neither work nor go to school. I can basically just sit on my ass and watch TV all day. On paper, it sounds fuckin’ awesome but I am absolutely miserable. I have no real aspirations, no goals, no reason for living. I have never had a romantic life, and my social life is pretty barren as well. Actually, one of my friends is coming over right now to play some ping pong. But so what? We hit a few balls, we get amused like chimps and move on with our lives. I may still have a few social interactions here and there, but there’s no connection. Sure, I’m a bit less depressed while I’m cracking jokes with my friends but once they go home, it just leaves me feeling even lonelier afterwards. The instant gratification of living in a developed society has given me an insatiable need to be entertained.

A big part of why I feel depressed right now is because I don’t talk to other humans on a regularly basis. Sure, I live with my parents but I barely say a word to them. In fact, I just grunt most of the time. I have gone days and weeks without saying a word to another human being. If I disappeared, no one would know, and no one would care.

Actually that’s not quite true. My parents would definitely notice if I’m gone. But there’s no love lost there. At the risk of sounding like a stupid teenager, they don’t know me at all. They don’t know anything about my personal projects, what I studied in school, my strengths, my weaknesses, heck they don’t even speak English. Sure they will be sad at first, but only because of the idea of losing a son, not me specifically. They’ll get a bad reputation for being bad parents, so if anything, they might despise me for dying on them. Reputation aside, they should actually be glad that it’s load off their hands since they’ll no longer have to do my laundry or cook for me.

It would seem that if I can somehow find a friend who can commit enough time to me, then my depression problem can be solved. But such a friend does not exist for me. In the previous entry, I mentioned that some people use suicide threats as a cry for help and I said that that was shallow and stupid and they deserve to die. I recognize that this blog is a cry for help and I’m not going to be hypocritical. If I do end up killing myself, I would indeed be one of the shallow and stupid people I hate and I deserve to die. Right now, I’m just shallow, I’m not stupid yet.

At this point, I would almost like to conclude that feelings of depression are strongly tied into a person’s social life. However, my messed up father is the perfect example to disprove that. He has no friends. None. The other day, one of his old friends called to wish him Merry Christmas and he literally got pissed at my mom for bothering him by handing him the phone. He’s a bit of a workaholic and doesn’t appear to have any hobbies. Well, if verbal abuse can be considered a hobby, then that would be his hobby. Several times a day, he’ll yell at my mom for being the dumbass that she is, and he even yells at me on occasion too. But he doesn’t yell at me for long because I don’t respond to him at all and one would get bored very quickly yelling at a rock. How long can a person yell at a rock for? Maybe a minute?

Next I want to discuss my realization of the depth of my depression. Marc Maron’s WTF podcast episode 190, interview with Todd Hanson, helped me a lot in my realization of my own depression. That was an amazing story to listen to. Very sad, very touching. Anyone who gets any joy out of reading sad depression related stories would enjoy it very much. There’s a lot to talk about it so I will give it an entry of its own. Here’s a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mnOgjJwO14