Going Out: To Be A Dick or An Ass

As a person living with his parents, it’s only courteous for me to let my parents know whenever I go out, and I’m fine with that. As a very flexible person who can let go of little things, my friends can make, change, or cancel plans up until the last minute and I don’t really mind it. But when you combine these things together along with my parents’ inherent craziness, I always have to wind up being a dick or an ass.

Did someone say ass? Come check out MY ass. me, Me, ME!

Did someone say ass? Come check out MY ass. me, Me, ME!

If I tell my parents I was supposed to go out that night and then it gets cancelled and I don’t end up going out, they make me feel like an ass. My dad’s basically an asshole and would just outright laugh at my face for having friends who bailed out on me. My mom would ask retarded questions and try to drag out the unpleasantness for as long as possible. She wouldn’t be retarded if that was her goal, but it’s not. After telling her the plans are cancelled, she would go on and on: “I thought you were supposed to go out?” “Didn’t you say you were going out at 7? It’s 7 now.” “Oh you’re not going out anymore? How come?” “Really? Your friends cancelled? Why?” You get the idea. There have been many times where a plan got cancelled and I just leave the house and do nothing for a few hours because that’s easier than explaining the cancellation to my parents.

Going out and doing nothing... kind of like this except I'm not a sexy girl at the beach. Okay, maybe it's nothing like this.

Going out and doing nothing… kind of like this except I’m not a sexy girl at the beach. Okay, maybe it’s nothing like this.

In order to avoid being an ass, I’m forced to be a dick. I can’t really control my friends cancelling the plans so that leaves me with one other option, to tell my parents about the plans the moment I leave the house. This makes me a dick because going out usually means going out for dinner and telling my parents last minute would mean they made dinner for me that I’m not going to eat. So I have to choose whether I want to be an ass 90% of the time (apparently I only trust my friends 10%) or be a dick 100% of the time. Because I don’t go out much and I’m a selfish ungrateful child, I choose to be a dick.

So many asses...

So many asses…

Oh and I just realized all this “going out” and “dick” and “ass” talk might sound like euphemisms for gay talk. It’s not. I swear, it’s not. Oh dammit, why did I even put that idea in your minds?…

Oh come on, Ted. Why are you being so homophobic when you love us lesbians so much?

Oh come on, Ted. Why are you being so homophobic when you love us lesbians so much?