Shit Stories Part XI: Anal Pleasures

Congratulations. My asshole hair got 10 likes so I will now be adding pictures of pretty girls to all my shit stories. I have also gone back and retroactively added them to all previous shit stories. I spent a lot of time on these so you should revisit them and appreciate all my hard work. Let me help you. And don’t forget the older ones too.

Like a good book, I can read these shit stories again and again.

Like a good book, I can read these shit stories again and again.

Okay, anal pleasures. The more homophobic readers might think this is gay; but it’s not. There are sensitive nerve endings in our assholes that give us pleasure when stimulated. That is a fact. That is why taking a good healthy shit feels wonderful. It’s the way our bodies have evolved to encourage us to get rid of waste instead of keeping it in the body. The thicker and longer the shit, the better it feels. Read: Phallic objects feel good in our asses. That said, it’s only gay when you put an actual dick in there.



I haven’t fingered my ass yet so this isn’t a post-justification; it’s a pre-justification. I’m still waiting to get 100 likes here. Once I get 100 likes, I will do it as promised. I need these arbitrary rules in my life. Even though I still can’t blame anyone but myself if things go wrong, at least I know there will be people who gets a laugh out of it. With all my recent anal talk and my discussion with MrJohnson about fleshlights in the comment section here, I’m turning into quite a sex-freak and shit-monger. Living with my parents, I don’t have many places I can hide a fleshlight but I just thought of a brilliant place for it. Now I just need someone to send me a fleshlight so I can make some delightful pictures for the internet to see. Sponsors are welcomed. Come on, sex toy shops, are you reading this?

C'mon sponsors. Please?

C’mon sponsors. Please?

As a tech savvy person, I always joked that it would be funny if I ran a porn site because of what I have to say at family gatherings when people ask me what I do. Now it will be even funnier if I get sponsored to play with and blog about sex toys.

Your family will forever avoid eye contact like I'm doing right now.

Your family will forever avoid eye contact like I’m doing right now.

My Sexuality

I have thought about this a lot and I think it’s time to share this with the 5 people who reads this blog. In the previous blog entry, I’ve made mention of observing men’s ass and being repulsed by labia. There’s also another previous entry titled “Erectile Misfunction”. Enough said there. This question has to have crossed everyone’s mind: Is Ted maybe gay?

As much as I like being called a faggot, I’m not gay unfortunately. Attraction is based on how a person’s mind is wired. Even if on a logical level, I might enjoy the company of men, I am also undeniably (sexually) attracted to women. The hair, the scent, the boobs… I love it all. …just not the labia. Oh I forgot to mention this in the previous entry but another reason boobs should be more attractive than butts is the proximity to shit. Anyway, I can’t say whether sexuality comes from nature or nurture or whatever-fuck-ture, at the end of the day, it’s not a conscious decision.

I do often wonder what would happen if I were gay. I’ve imagined what it would be like to be in a homosexual relationship with my buddies. Here’s another sign that I’m not gay, I think about how I cope with the gay sex to experience the rest of the non-sexual part of the relationship. If you’re reading this and you know me in real life, then I’ve probably imagined being in a gay relationship with you. Sorry, but the conclusion I arrived at should make this all okay, lol. The other fundamental flaw of my homosexual fantasies is that I fantasize being with straight men. But it has to be straight men though because I hate gay men. No, I’m not being homophobic because I hate all people. I just hate gay men a little more. I guess that makes me a little homophobic. Sure, I can accept that easy enough, it’s the rest of the world that has to deal with it.