Dumb Sex Drive

I hate being horny. Correction, I hate being horny with no one to fuck. And given that I’ve never had anyone to fuck, I hate being horny. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been providing my body with the pussies that it desperately desires and it’s returning the favor by making me super depressed.

…I was going to write more and describe a “sex” dream I had but I don’t feel like doing shit anymore. I’ll just briefly summarize that in the dream, I was Ted from How I Met Your Mother about to sexually engage Lily. I thought it was weird that in my dream, I was someone with the same name as me, but not actually me.

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Erectile Misfunction

That’s right, the title is not a typo. I know it’s supposed to be erectile dysfunction; I’m not retarded (yet…). Before you start judging me, fuck you and let me explain. (Aren’t I great at antagonizing the reader right off the bat?) Before I get into the definition of this term I just made up, I need to provide some background information.

I’m a 22 year old male virgin. I’m never been in a relationship and never even came close to having sex. I mean, I haven’t really tried that hard so it’s okay. Yes I’m making excuses here. You might call me sour grapes but fuck you. (Yup, I’m antagonizing you again. Bitch.) I’m heterosexual and I’m one of those heterosexuals who overcompensate by only watching solo and lesbian porn. If there’s a dick in the video, I can’t watch it. As mentioned earlier, I’ve never even come close to getting laid. The main reason is because I don’t hang around people much, let alone girls. I can go weeks and months and probably years without ever interacting or making physical contact with a girl  Being the horny young male that I am, one might imagine that I might get raging hard-ons really easily upon physical contact.

Finally, here’s where erectile misfunction comes in. When I watch my lesbian porn, I’ve never ever had any trouble getting a hard on. Even if I’m not really in the mood (believe it or not, guys jerk off even when they don’t want to…) I am still able to easily get it hard enough to finish the job, with my library of visual stimulation of course. However, there have been at least 3 distinct instances in my life where I have been squished into a seat or sofa with a fairly attractive girl but I’m soft as a… what the fuck is soft? Ice cream? As I’ve stated twice already, I have never even come close to getting laid. (I don’t know why I keep reiterating it. It seems I subconsciously really want you to know that I’m a super virgin.) I would not be surprised at all that when I do get an opportunity to have sex, I won’t get hard. However, this is erectile misfunction as opposed to dysfunction. I just need access to the internet or my harddrive and I will be ready to go. I wonder who will be the lucky gal to have to wait for me to watch porn before I fuck her.