More specifically, nice girls ruin my day. On an intellectual level, I know that they’re just being nice and not doing anything wrong but on a practical level, my day just gets ruined. This kind of thing happens to me pretty often when I go out so I guess it’s a good thing I only leave the house about once a month. I shall bitch about what just happened to me which is an example of one of these things that I’m being so vague about.
I walked to a supermarket to buy 3 bags of ketchup chips. None of the detail I mentioned matters to the story at all except for the part that I was in the supermarket. One of the few joys I’ve got left in the world is eating junk food but I’m not getting obese because I’m walking an hour to the store to buy the crap I put in my body. Being depressed, I don’t actually have the motivation to exercise and I only chose to walk instead of drive because my mom angry-nagged me a few days ago and I don’t want to use her car now. I don’t want to use it because I don’t want to give her more reasons to angrily re-nag me. To her, it might seem like I’m mad at her and shunning her but I’m not. I’m talking to her as little as I normally do but she just thinks I’m mad at her because she feels guilty. Fuck, I’m digressing. Everything about my life is so retarded that I have to explain and explain and it still doesn’t really make any fuckin’ sense so I’m going to move on now.
On my walk to the store, I noticed that not only do I not like talking to people, I don’t like looking at them either. Well, that’s not exactly right. I don’t like interacting with them in any way and making eye contact might instigate a smile, a nod, a salutation, or a confrontation so I rather just look away and avoid all that. When I walk past people on the streets, I’m actually actively avoiding eye contact. It’s not that I hate all interactions, but I just don’t like pleasantries.
Before I write about my interaction with the nice girl, I’d like to go on record and say that I’m a pretty attractive person. It’s hard to put an objective value on looks and attraction but no one’s ever told me I’m ugly and people often tell me that I’m handsome or good looking or pretty or cute (The last two ain’t that great because it makes me feel androgynous which I know I kinda am). I suspect that some of those times, people just tell me that to be polite but to say the least, I’m arguably attractive. I’m also awkward and don’t know how to smile. I don’t smile around friends and family but that’s mostly because I have shitty friends and family. But I can’t smile for pictures either. It just feels awkward to me. However, I can smile during small talk with strangers. I realized that as I reflected on the events of today. Just a random fact. I don’t know what to make of it yet.
I go in the store and grabbed 3 bags of chips. I’m wearing an oversized superman shirt, not because I like superman, but because I got the shirt for free from my aunt years ago and it’s big and comfy. At the check out, the young cashier girl looks at me for a while and says “Hi.” Then she asks if I’m preparing for a gaming marathon. I told her it was just for myself with was unnecessarily truthful. When the transaction was done, she says “Hope you kick some ass!” I thought it was a little weird that she continued to presume I was gaming but that’s not important.
Most people might tell me that she was just being nice but I think it was a bit more than that. I won’t go as far as to say that she’s hitting on me, but maybe she wants me to hit on her. I think that because I can’t possibly fathom why she would say those things to me, how she can possibly enjoy saying those things without an agenda. But then again, maybe that’s just extroversion because I don’t understand that either. Even assuming that some of these girls might be interested in me, there’s no way I’m asking them out because I hate small talk and I’m cheap so I don’t like the idea of paying money to sit at some place when I don’t even want to be there. After these interactions, I’m left mulling over it for the rest of the day, thinking about whether I should’ve done something. I’d like to have someone to be comfortable with right away, someone to watch tv and just sit around with. But I can’t just go up to a random girl and ask if she wants to come to my house, my parents’ house, and watch tv with me. Society deems that as creepy and I don’t want to get arrested on a hunch that I think the girl wants me to hit on her. Actually, maybe I should do that next time because I don’t have anything to lose and I’ve previously said that I wanted to go to prison anyway.